Ode to a Morning Alone

I love a morning alone. I haven't had one in a couple of weeks. Not one where I didn't have somewhere I had to be sometime during the morning hours. Yesterday I went to KTC and did my bookkeeping chores in the hopes that I could have alone time this morning after F went to work. The morning started off with me being woken up by the Boogies. It wasn't bad though, not like it was 5:30 a.m. or anything. They patiently waited until 7:15 to wake me.

I could have woke up F as she had to get up at 7:30 to get ready for work, but as she hadn't come to bed until 5:30 a.m., I thought I should let her have at least 2 full hours of sleep.

The dogs were good and they left me to watch TV and drink my coffee quietly. At 8:45 F walked out the door, got in her car and drove to the gate. There she found that a large tree limb had fallen across the lane blocking the road. It fell from a neighbors tree onto the lane and their pick-up truck. F came in and called her job and asked if someone would come and get her.

I went out to look at the tree and realized there was no way me, F, or even a couple of others could move the tree without it first being sawed up. That is usually done by our neighbor Wayne. As a matter of fact it was Wayne's tree branch that had fallen and it had fallen right in front of his house and onto his wife's pick-up truck. But Wayne and the little missus are away looking for a new home and job in Alabama.

I decided I would be proactive and walked down the lane to ask the assistance of A. I called to her from her driveway and she came out, beckoning me to come closer to the house. I told her the tree had fallen on R's truck and did she have Wayne's son's phone number. I know his sons have cut trees in the past. A. said that Wayne's sons could not operate powertools without supervision (they are mentally impaired, which I knew). She also told me why she and R aren't talking, what her health issues are, her frustration at trying to arrange medical appts., her husband's prostate problems, his blood sugar level of 756, the day he called 911 from his hospital bed to complain about a nurse who was trying to kill him by being inattentive, and many other things.

A. told me that if our other neighbor came home or if her son came home she would ask them to get their power saw out and clear the tree. I thanked her and went on my way. Yes, good neighbors are hard to find.

I went back to the house and got my camera. I decided to photograph the tree in case Wayne needed it for insurance purposes. So now it is 11:40 a.m., and my morning alone is passing into oblivion. I am stuck here on the property - like I needed a reason not to leave home today.

I would really have preferred to have nothing to do this morning but sit quietly, write in my journal, read my email, watch the JAG episode I've been saving all week. But then I wouldn't have photos of that to post with my blog.

One Done, One in Progress

The images of Santa Fe linger. It is partially fed by reading American Prometheus, a bio of J. Robert Oppenheimer. What I hadn't realized while I was in Santa Fe, is that Oppenheimer had fallen in love with northern New Mexico early in his life and that he leased and then owned a ranch there from his early 20's. There are many tales about the time he spent there prior to the Manhattan Project being planted there.

I am putting more of the memories to paint and paper. I hope to do more.

The completed one...

The one in progress...

New Mexico Lingers

There is something about New Mexico that has stayed with me. There is room there. The sky is big. The ground is high. 7,000+ feet higher than Jacksonville. I didn't know when we got there that we would be that high up. I didn't think you could visually see the difference. But you can.

It's peaceful there. It's quiet there. There is no background drone of traffic sound anywhere. Not even in the city of Santa Fe. It's really quiet.

The mountains are beautiful. In the east mountains are covered in lush green trees. That's what you see, large, high mounds of green upon green. In the Fall it becomes a vibrant field of color upon color. Then comes the grey of the winter sky and the grey of leafless trees. In New Mexico you see rock. The mountains aren't covered with trees. They are bare, and colorful, revealing many millenium of strata, fallen or split rocks, layers that tell geologists the history of the mountain and our planet. It's so impressive. The mountains are so solid and yet seem so vulnerable in their nakedness.

Why didn't I find New Mexico when I was younger? Why didn't I find it when I had the ability to hike its mountains and walk through the desert searching for bones and artifacts. I had more courage then. Or was it just the folly of ignorance that led me to places with risk? How much nicer it would have been to sleep below the New Mexico sky then to sleep several levels below Grand Centeral Station.

Surprised - Not Shocked

I'm surprised by the events that took place this week at Virginia Tech University. Surprised, but not shocked. Waco shocked me. Oklahoma City shocked me. The killing rampage at Columbine H.S. shocked me. 9/11 happened and that shocked me. So another senseless act of violence against people going about the activities of their lives does not shock me. Not in America. Not anymore.

I feel sadness for the families, friends, and students of VTU, but it is just a small part of the deep sadness I feel for those of us who remember a time before presidential assassinations, mass killings by government agents, students as killing machines, and airplanes used as bombs. Hope and honor and freedom from mental, emotional, and social assault is what we have lost. I mourn the death of my own idealism and optimism. I'm beyond a hope that "something will change."

Instead, I make my world smaller, I keep my attention and emotions closer. I find joy and hope in the individuals in my personal life. My delight comes from the innocence and naturalness of my animals. My honor and pride comes from the priveledge of being loved and from living in a world where the holy still roam and beauty can be found in a rock formation. That and the air I breathe is all there is.

while we played, they played

"Hmmmm. What's this, I wonder?"

"Wow! How Did Alice get in there?"

"Ahhhhh. Nothing like a sand bath on a sunny day."

"Uncle Dwight, what's that in your hand?"

All photos courtesy of Dwight Fisk

The Joke or the Joker

So, Imus is gone. Not just off MSNBC but also off the radio.

*snap* Things change. Quickly.

In the course of a week, I heard 2 prominent, well known comedians make racist comments. One had no repercussions. One lost his job.

The first comment was a joke told by Whoopi Goldberg. She had a special on Bravo that Christi and I happened to catch a week ago. She introduced the last joke she told by telling the audience "the community" would not approve. One can assume "the community" was the black community. She told the joke, the punchline had God uttering the "n" word to a child, and everyone, including me, laughed. She said she would not use "that" word again.

While the audience was still laughing Whoopi told everyone to think about why they were laughing. I have thought about it.

I think a black person telling a joke using white racist attitudes as the punchline gives all of us white people permission to laugh at it. I know for myself that had the same joke been told by Michael Richards, Jerry Seinfeld, Phyllis Diller, Joan Rivers or any other white comic, I would have been horrified and would have been embarrassed by my desire to laugh. But Whoopi's telling the joke meant I could laugh with her, loudly, unashamed, guilt-free. But Whoopi wasn't laughing herself. She was teaching.

The other comment was said by Don Imus, a very funny, in your face, radio personality. In the 1970's I listened to Don Imus regularly. Back then he made fun of southern preachers and cracker sterotypes. He had a favorite character named Billy Saul Hargas from the Discount House of Worship. He was hysterically funny and I would laugh whenever I heard him.

Imus' comments last week were not a punchline or a satirical monologue. He was joking around with a friend, a producer of his radio show. His comments weren't funny to anyone else but the two of them. His reference to the Rutger's Women Basketball Varsity team as "nappy-headed ho's" is not funny in any context except as a private joke between racist buddies. His mistake was that he said it all on air. That he didn't hesitate to air those comments, or even catch himself or apologize or clean them up somehow immediately after making them, says to me that the man doesn't have a clue that those comments reveal his racist beliefs.

I wish I could say I was so enlightened as to not have a racist bone in my body. I can't say that. But I know enough to know when a comment or thought is racist and that it should be censored. I believe racism and racist thoughts are habitual, even after one has examined these beliefs and discarded them. The true test of discarding racism is not in intellectually understanding the unreasonableness of your attitudes and ideas, but in doing the work day after day of not laughing at jokes, even when safe, not allowing those thoughts to go unchecked in your own mind, not seeking out others who will "enjoy" it and not be offended by those thoughts or comments. That's the hard part of reforming racist attitudes.

Imus has said he is not a racist, that he had no racist intent. In the past he has publicly vowed not to use racial epithets. I think Imus got fired because he still didn't know that it was not ok to do that privately and certainly not publicly if you want to break the habit of racism.

Santa Fe

Frankye and I have had the priveledge and good fortune of accompanying our friends Christi and Sue to Santa Fe as their guests. We've had an absolutley wonderful time and have seen more beauty than I knew existed. Here are some photos, as words could not describe the beauty of the landscape.

Mean while, back home, the sentient beings we share our home with were on duty protecting the homestead with Aunt Lori and Uncle Dwight. Uncle Dwight has a nice camera and knows how to use it. He took this lovely picture of the Lords of the Manor diligently at their post, keeping the world as they know it safe from preditors.

Photos by D. Fisk, C. Cripps, S. Molare, & C.C. Kessler

Smarter Minds Than Mine

Great is the guilt of an unnecessary war.

~~John Adams

This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness.

~~Dalai Lama

A crust eaten in peace is better than a banquet partaken in anxiety.

~~Aesop

I don't believe in killing whatever the reason!

~~John Lennon

Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.

~~Buddha

Eros will have naked bodies; Friendship naked personalities.

~~C.S. Lewis

As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light in the darkness of mere being.

~~Carl Jung

Cause and Cure

I believe in justice and truth, without
which there would be no basis for human hope.

-His Holiness the Dalai Lama

The lack of justice and truth is the cause of pain and suffering even for those of us who have so much physical comfort.

Justice and truth and human hope can change and eliminate all the suffering (but not the pain of life) and evil in the world and move humanity forward.

Catching Up

This past week I feel like I've been catching up with myself. The previous six weeks were a whirlwind of activity and people. I've been busy at work and doing additional duty with special projects. I've been tired and sleeping hard. This past weekend was the first weekend in 5 weeks that I had no commitment to do anything specific and I celebrated it in style.

I got home from work Friday night with dinner in hand and didn't leave the house again until Monday morning at 9:30 to go to work. I spent the entire weekend wearing only a t-shirt. I was a slug. I was happy. I did next to nothing. Yes, I ate and drank, cooked a little bit, slept - a nap each day, let the dogs in, let the dogs out - over and over again, wrote/read email, surfed the web, played computer solitaire, watched tv, ignored the tv but still had it on, wrote and painted in my journal, read a magazine and an art book, sighed a lot, heard F's voice (a lot), talked to a boy on the phone, and heard the sounds of life outside the door. Never left the house. Did I say that already? It deserves being said twice. I loved it.

Now it is Tuesday, a/k/a toosday. Work is still a whirlwind, but I got some big projects off my plate so the special projects aren't a burden. I've been sleeping late each morning, anywhere between 6:45 - 7:20. I really prefer to have more time in the morning to be with myself before I hustle to work, but I've really needed the sleep so I am allowing myself to roll-over that one last time. I'm not in danger of "over sleeping" for work and as a result I still have the luxury of sleeping til I'm done so I don't need an alarm clock.

I bought a new pair of jeans today. I had a discount coupon and so they cost $19.28 and that includes postage and handling. They should be here next week. They are just like the other pair I have that I wear almost every single day and love. I didn't wear jeans for a long long time and now it is all I want to wear. I wonder why we (I) refer to jeans as a pair? Is it because they have 2 legs? A pair is 2 of something, and yet the term a pair of jeans refers to just one clothing item. But I digress.

I've done some more dreaming about trailers and then scolded myself for being obsessive. I've spent time on-line looking at military shoulder bags - again obsessive, hence, scolded. I was sitting in my car the other day eating a bean buritto. It was my lunch time and I had time left to do something before returning to the office. I didn't feel like going to the library. Everything I thought about doing in the 30 minutes I had left involved looking at things in stores. Looking at products. Looking to buy something. Anything. Consuming as recreation. As a time passer. It wasn't ok. I wrote in my journal for a while about the whole thing and then went back to work. Of course, later in my work day, before I went home, I went on-line to ebay to look at the military bags available for cheap. Oy!

So now it is the end of my work day again. I am going to stop at Blockbuster and drop off films then go to get Chinese take-out. I had a good salad for lunch at Bennigan's. They make a nice Greek salad with sliced grilled chicken breast. Very delicious. I went back to work and had a really good evacuation. Lots of energy afterwards and I finished another project and emailed it off. A good toosday.

a paint box

I have many paint boxes. I have an oil paint box, an acrylic paint box, a gouache paint box, 2 large watercolor paint boxes, and about 5 small travel watercolor kits. Most of them have been gifts I received over the years.

When I am painting in little sketch books or my journal, I tend to use my Windsor Newton travel watercolor box whether I am traveling or at home. Until recently, I didn’t have a box that I carried with me everyday in my shoulder bag. About 2 months ago I made one out of an Altoids box. After a short time that too seemed too big.

I recently found amongst my things a little 2 ½” x 3” tin box that can hold 12 half-pans of watercolor firmly. The lid is hinged on one-side and when opened both sides lay flat. The lid can be used as a mixing palette. It’s very lightweight and convenient. It fits in my pencil case or slips into my pocket easily. I have a Niji mini waterbrush, 6" log when capped. Today I used it at work and there was no fuss and no muss. I like it.

I Hate This War

I hate this war. I am so angry at the people who created it. It has caused and continues to cause so much pain and suffering to so many.

I've had my own private protest against this war going for over 3 years now. On the first Veteran's Day after the start of the Iraq war I hung the American flag on the flag pole by the front gate of my house. I have not taken it down since that day. It is looking disheveled, discolored, and worn. It is a metaphor for the effect this war is having on Americans. I will not remove the flag, no matter how tattered it becomes, until the last American soldier is home from Iraq.

Everyday something comes out in the news about how this war is mishandled, how our leaders lied and manipulated the truth to get this war. We hear stories of veterans who's lives and bodies have been irrevocably damaged by the war are poorly treated in VA hospitals overflowing and underfunded. We hear stories of helicopter shootdowns, car bombs, suicide bombers and ruthless attacks on Americans who would not be in harm's way were they not sent to Iraq. 3,148 American military killed to date. Stories of innocent Iraqi civilians being slaughtered on a daily basis are mind numbing. The are dying at a rate of almost 100 a day.

This war is an abomination. The leadership of our government is an abomination. We MUST make a change. We must make it soon.

my journal

I have kept a journal for over 30 years. When I was young I wrote in an old ledger. It was huge. 17" x 12" tall and heavy. It had lined, numbered pages and I wrote long narratives in pen. I had that journal for several years. I finally got tired of it and moved to an 8" x 12" bound blank-page sketch book. I began writing in different colored inks, script sometimes, print other times. I began gluing in movie tickets and photos and doing collages. I have filled many, many of those sketch books. I would use one book a year. Some years I had to use more than one book. Whether I had completed the book or not I would start a new book each and every January 1st. Occassionally, I would off road to another smaller art book for special trips or themes.

About 8 years ago I began keeping my journal in a 5 1/2" x 8" unlined book that I bought from Levenger's. Levenger's sells this wonderful book called the Stanley Journal. It has a nice leather sleeve and replaceable journal incerts. I used this journal for about 6 years. As I began to paint more frequently in my journals the thinness of the paper became an issue. While the paper is lovely, it didn't handle fountain pen or markers without bleeding through.

About 2 years ago I began using a moleskine sketchbook as a journal. I've used the 5" x 8 1/4" sketchbook, plain notebook, and the squared notebook. While I love the design and feel of the book itself, none of them take water color paint well. The thinner paper of the plain notebook buckles easily and certain inks bleed through. The heavy sketchbook paper seems to have some kind of coating that causes water color paint to bead on it. However, liking the book itself, I persevered and have adjusted to this quirkiness in the moleskine sketchbook.

My most recent change in journals has been to the 3 1/2" x 5 1/2" moleskine sketchbook. The size forces me to write smaller and to journal alongside drawings and doodles. I've been using the smaller sketchbooks for about 3 years to do small drawings and paintings but haven't used them as a journal. I've filled 1/2 a dozen of these little books and carried them along with my larger journal. Too much stuff. So I'm downsizing.

With money from my mom for xmas I've purchased a cover for my moleskine sketchbook from Renaissance-Art. It fits the small book like a glove. The leather is high quality, durable and attactive. The stitching is strong and should wear well. The cover doesn't hinder the ease and comfort of the moleskine at all. Renaissance Art also makes covers for the larger sized moleskine as well. I'm pleased with this new variation of my journal. I highly recommend this product to other moleskine lovers.

A Birthday

Today is the 54th birthday of my favorite person in the whole world - my sister, Brenda. Happy Birthday Bren! I miss you and hope to see you soon.

February 12th

I remember when the nation celebrated the birthday of Abraham Lincoln as a separate holiday. Prior to the acceptance of M.L.King's birthday as a national holiday we looked forward to 2 national holidays in February - Feb 12th and Feb 22nd for George Washington's birthday. Two 3-day weekends in the coldest month of the winter was a welcome relief from "having" to go out into the bitter cold.

No sense in avoiding this next paragraph.

C & S, "the" best friends, moved yesterday morning to MD. They came and picked up their dogs, the movers packed their belongings and they drove north to their new home. So it's done. We now live 800+ miles apart. For right now it just feels like any other Monday. I don't usually see them during the week. Sometimes C comes over on Wednesday nights, but our usual time together is Friday night and either Sat or Sun or both. During the week we exchange email and phone calls. This week will feel typical. This weekend I am going away and would not see them anyway, and then next week, another typical week of emails and phone calls. After that - adjustment.

I had trouble with my car and it is in the shop. I was in Fernandina Beach and the car was over heating like crazy. I made it back to town and took it to the mechanic and he opened the hood and saw immediately that the radiator was cracked. So the radiator has to be replaced. He will take the opportunity to replace all the hoses and $456 later I should be safe to drive to S. Florida on Friday. I really can't complain about it. This car has been strong and dependable for 10 years. I'm almost at 101,000 miles. We've only spent a moderate amount on general, regular maintenance. It's never been a problem.

I've got a damn cold again. Doesn't seem as bad as it was 2 months ago when I had it. But it's still a pain in the ass. I'm working through it and just feeling like shit, which I would feel like if I stayed home in bed all day with it. Might as well work. F has it too and she has it worse than me this time.

I've been trying to do at least one sketch everyday. I am trying to limber up my drawing skills. I hope to do a lot of quick sketches when we are in Santa Fe in April. I don't want to be so rusty.

The thing about drawing is the more I do it the easier it gets and that happens relatively quickly. But I never feel competent or secure in that and as a result it is not relaxing for me to draw. It creates tension for me. I have performance anxiety about it. Even if it's just me and I can throw the paper away and no one will know. I could still feel embarassed to myself about my lack of drawing skills. I'm trying to get past that and draw anyway. I'd like to work through the anxiety and get to a place where I can enjoy it like I enjoy doing abstract works.

When I do abstract drawings it doesn't matter to me if it doesn't work. Most of them don't. That's okay because I enjoyed the time I spent doing it whether it works as a picture or not. When it does work as a picture it is something I will enjoy each time I look at it. When it doesn't, I just look at the next picture.

And tomorrow is another day.

The Rising Swarm

We've been gifted with the "swarm" visiting us again, teaching me more than I ever wanted to know about patience. Notice I didn't say more than I needed to know. The swarm has grown by one, there are now 7 dachshunds when all together. For the most part 6 hang out in the same place at any given time.

In the morning, the only free and alone time I have, they pile up on my lap, spill across my thighs, make themselves comfortable, and go to sleep. Part of my morning schedule is to write in my journal, do some doodling, paint in wc, etc. What skills I am learning do be able to do all this with a swarm pile in my lap!

This morning I wrote about a dream I had travelling the country in a 5th wheel with (only) 2 dachshunds. I did this quick sketch of the trailer from my dreams while leaning my 3 1/2" x 5 1/2" moleskine sketchbook on Ben's head. Not too bad. A few sweeping strokes as he tried to watch what I was doing. I didn't mind that so much as I minded his snicker when he saw the drawing.

"The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect but by the play instinct acting from inner necessity. The creative mind plays with the objects it loves." (Carl Jung)

John

Pissed Off Again

As if it isn't bad enough that idiot boy told us all was well last night in his State of "His" Union Speech, but then today the Senate voted down the Minimum Wage Bill by a vote of 54 - 43 with 3 absences.

Senator Bill Nelson of FL voted "yea." The other Senator, Mel Martinez, a/k/a mental midget, voted "nay." I fired off an email to him expressing my dismay.

Dear Senator Martinez

I am very disappointed in your vote on H.R.2 -Fair Minimum Wage Act of 2007.

There is no reason that service and entry level workers should not get an increase in their minimum wage after 10 years of being at the same rate. To withhold the badly needed increase for reasons of tax breaks to
restaurants is riduculous as anyone who has worked in the industry knows, restaurant workers are exempt from minimum wage guidelines because a portion of their wage is collected and taxed through tipping.

The working poor in this country need to be valued and respected. They need an increase in wages. How shallow of you not to realize that when you work in a state with a large service industry work force.

The hipocracy of this vote is so insulting. The U.S. Senate has enjoyed 7 increases totalling $31,600 in the same time period that our working poor received $0 increase! I am angry about it.

Sincerely,

Hrumph!!!

The Truth

is always the truth regardless of when it was said or written. The following statements were written by Thomas Merton 45 years ago. They are applicable to our world today.

Hence it becomes more and more difficult to estimate the morality of an act leading to war because it is more and more difficult to know precisely what is going on. Not only is war increasingly a matter for pure specialists operating with fantastically complex machinery, but above all there is the question of absolute secrecy regarding everything that seriously affects defense policy. We may amuse ourselves by reading the reports in mass media and imagine that these “facts” provide sufficient basis for moral judgments for and against war. But in reality, we are simply elaborating moral fantasies in a vacuum. Whatever we may decide, we remain completely at the mercy of the governmental power, or rather the anonymous power of managers and generals who stand behind the façade of government. We have no way of directly influencing the decisions and policies taken by these people. In practice, we must fall back on a blinder and blinder faith which more and more resigns itself to trusting the “legitimately constituted authority” without having the vaguest notion what that authority is liable to do next. This condition of irresponsibility and passivity is extremely dangerous. It is hardly conducive to genuine morality.

From: Thomas Merton. Passion for Peace: The Social Essays. William H. Shannon, ed., p 113-114

We used to have an unrivaled reputation among the backward people of the world. We were considered the true defenders of liberty, justice and peace, the hope of the future. Our anger, our ignorance and our frustration have made us forfeit this tremendous advantage [written in 1962].

Passion for Peace: 110

The Swarm

Frankye and I are borrowing 3 dachshunds from our friends C and S. The 3 were available for borrowing because C & S went up to Baltimore to visit C’s new job assignment and to house hunt for their upcoming move to MD.

Normally I would say that we were taking care of 3 or their 6 dogs while they dealt with their impending move, but then that would not explain the opportunity F and I have to develop patience and acceptance in our march toward bodhisattva-hood. The visiting 3 added to our 3 means we have six dachshunds under our roof at this time. C and S have 5 dachshunds and 1 golden retriever that they share their lives with on a regular basis. In the past they have babysat our 3, making it an uneven 9.

Having 6 dachshunds under our roof not only gives us an opportunity to develop patience and acceptance but it also allows us to develop compassion for our good friends. On a regular basis C & S wake up to the yelps and cries of 5 teckels (a German word for Dachshunds, which is German for badger dog) screeching to be let outside. Dachshunds are hunters, and no matter how sound proof your house is, or how many blankets you cover their kennel with, if a worm has moved anywhere on your (their) property they will know about it and seek it out as soon as you let them out. Regardless of the time of day, or the weather, teckels loudly announce their worm-hunt, as hounds chasing a fox do.

If you know anything about dachshunds you know they are pack animals. It is easier to care for 2 than for 1. They thrive on and demand attention, not just from you, but from each other as well. They are more likely to sit together in a clump than to go off alone to separate areas to sit and watch or nap. Having 6 of them at one time has caused them to function like a swarm of bees. If the lead dog changes direction, they all follow suit and fly around the house or yard as an ever-in-motion group.

This morning the worms moved early and so I was awakened at 4:45 with an ever insistent yelp from Yeshe. It took 30 seconds to call all the troops to attention and 5 of the 6 (the old lady Alice thinks she has caught enough worms in this lifetime) bolted out the front door yelping and running at full speed in a swarm to the sound of the worm, 3 inches below the surface, somewhere on the side of the house. It was exhilarating, not just to me, but to my neighbor’s 2 outdoor German shepherds who also heralded the fact that a worm had moved…somewhere…though they knew not where…in the vicinity of the long dogs. That was good enough for them.

And so, most of us on the lane today got to practice patience and acceptance, courtesy of a swarm of dachshunds.

Post Atlanta

I had a wonderful time in Atlanta with Clio. It felt so good to be with her. I've missed her and really got in touch with that when I was with her. It's been so long since she and I have spent quality time together. I really wish we lived in the same city. But she is not likely to move to Jacksonville, and I am just as unlikely (if not more) to move to a city as big as Atlanta.

I have to tell you about a most incredible meal I had while in Atlanta. Food is important in my life and good food is a treat to be enjoyed, reminisced and remembered. Two good friends of Clio's, Peggy Jean and Leslie, invited us to dinner Saturday night. Clio's other friends, Peter and Francois, invited the dinner party to their house. Peggy Jean bought and cooked the meal, and Peter and Francois hosted it.

First, I have to say that Peter and Francois have a really nice home. I don't know what part of Atlanta it is in, so don't ask. The house has beautifully painted colorful walls, with restored wood features. The furniture is comfortable and big, and the ambience of the home reeks of comfort and welcome. The kitchen is open with a center island and beautiful appliances. The kitchen, dining room and living room flow into one another like in a loft. The floors are hard wood and beautifully done. The kitchen ceiling is also light hard wood. It was an incredibly comfortable environment to be in.

Peggy Jean, with some support from Peter, prepared the meal. What a meal it was! I am just going to list the menu:

broiled seasoned lamb served sliced and rare
spiced turkey sausage with no casing
roast pork sliced
baked perch and tilopia served in a delicious sauce
baked salmon steak
baked tuna steak
steamed and buttered green beans with feta cheese
boiled russet potatoes with butter and spices
roast bread with butter and garlic
wine
fresh cherry compote
pound cake
apple pie
Vanilla, dulce de leche, and chocolate Haagen-Dazs
cool whip

It was a feast. Everything was so delicious that I wished I could eat more than I was able. It was wonderful! And so was the company. In the hours we spent together we talked about our families, our histories of how we knew one another, retold funny anecdotes and jokes, laughed a lot, and just had a really wonderful evening. I feel so good that Clio has this group of friends in Atlanta. While I know she is lonely for a relationship and someone to share her life in an intimate way, I'm glad she has bright, interesting, caring friends to spend time with.

The other things we did included going to eat Indian food together and then spending time at Borders, eating out at a local pizzeria with Peggy Jean and Leslie, hanging out and watching movies together at home, going to look at an apartment for Clio together, fitting in a nap each day, talking, talking, talking, and just enjoying one another. We spent a little time at Peggy Jean and Leslie's apt and I got to see Peggy Jean's artwork. It is very unique, witty, funny and creative. We fit a lot in but we also had too little time together. It just went so quickly.

I want to see Clio more frequently. It only took 5 1/2 hours to drive up and it was worth every mile of it. I consider, and have considered, Clio my daughter (step-daughter but I couldn't love her more if I had birthed her) but I didn't know that she considered me her parent. When she said that to me it just felt so good. I felt as though I had actually contributed something to the world. Clio is truly a gift in my life and I am so proud of her. It was a good, good trip.

LIVE!!!!! from Atlanta - it's Saturday

morning!

Before I get into Atlanta and Clio, I want to recount an experience I had yesterday. I stationed myself in Macclenny so I would be halfway to I-75 when I got off work. In the course of my shuttling between centers in Macclenny I was temporarily postponed by the annual MLK Day parade.

I've been to many parades in my life: St.Patrick's Day, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day, Thanksgiving Day, Gay Day in 1/2 dozen cities, Mardi Gras parades, but I had never been to a country parade.

The size of the parade underwhelmed me. It consisted of the following: every Baker County owned vehicle including the fire engines, police, sheriff, EMT, water administation, NE FL telephone co., etc, sirens blaring if they had them. Music was supplied by the Baker County High School band in full marching velvet uniforms; though from what I saw and heard only the drummers knew how to play their instruments. There was another band that didn't even beat their drums. They had no uniforms or identifying sashes but by their ages they seemed to be intermediate school age. The elementary school provided a contingent from the "Just Say No" club.

There was a limo but the persons they were driving (windows up, a/c on, windows tinted) were not identified in any way. There was a wagon load of City Commissioners, followed by another wagon load of County Commissioners. There were several vans filled with elderly black people, a xeroxed photo of MLK taped to the sides of the van. There was a school bus from the local Baptist Church with two ladies and a driver practicing their Queen Elizabeth wave. There were six antique cars in the procession, in age order, the oldest, a model T, first, next a 1936 Chevrolet. The drivers declined in age as the vehicles did. I got the impression these were original owners. After the antique cars came the Black motorcycle club on their rice burners. Not a Harley to be found anywhere.

After all the VIPs came the best part of the parade. The one float in the parade that truly signifies the commitment of the community to honor Dr. King: On a long flatbed truck pulled by a huge Mac truck cab was the biggest John Deere tractor I had ever seen! Sitting proudly atop the seat of the tractor was a man dressed as Smokey the Bear, waving wildly to all six of us watching the parade.

Afterwards, I asked a co-worker why the parade was held on Friday and not Monday, the actual holiday. She said the county would have to pay time and half to get county workers to drive those vehicles in the parade. Friday is cheaper. And there it was. My first country parade.

I arrived safely in Atlanta and was absolutely thrilled to see Clio. Upon arrival we immediately went to a restaurant to pick up a pizza Clio had ordered in advance. En route she received a phone call from friends and we decided to meet them at the restaurant and stay in and eat our pizza. I met Clio's best friends and enjoyed our time together. I was surprised at how much they knew about me and that Clio had obviously mentioned me on at least one occassion. I liked her friends a lot and would easily include them in my social circle if I lived in the area.

Afterwards, we wnt to Clio's home. She lives on the second floor and that was a bit of a challenge but it's a short flight and I arrived in good shape. Her apt is tiny. Like NYC tiny. It has a NY feel to it and is charming. There is no wasted space in the apt, no halways or foyers and has limited closets and storage. Unlike NY it doesn't cost her $2400 a month and is really quiete reasonable since it is in trendy Little Five Points.

Today we are having breakfast with friends and going to see an apt. Clio might move into. Tonight - dinner with her friends at their apt.

It feels really good to be with Clio. I will write more as the weekend moves along.

A Day is a Day is a Day

Today is just another day. It will not stand out in my memory but will blend into the mass of days I have lived with no particular distinction. I guess that means I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Putting one foot in front of the other. Going to work, doing chores, thinking, reading, talking when I must, listening, resting, eating, sleeping.

Tomorrow I will get up and do it again. Until about 2 pm. At 2:00 I will begin a 5 1/2 hour drive to Atlanta to visit with Clio, one of my all time favorite people on this planet. It will be good to see her and to talk and laugh, and gossip, and laugh some more. We have breakfast plans with some of her friends, we will look at an apt she is thinking of leasing, we will eat out and walk and chill out in her apt and sleep in and enjoy one another for the brief time we are together. We will probably reminisce about a time when she was much younger and we shared daily life together. I will remember the days I am with her, as I remember the last time I was with her and the time before that and before that.

I'm glad to have Clio in my life. I guess that's what kids do, they make days memorable and the older you get the more you need them to help add value and depth to your life. I have long regretted not having children. I have also long been grateful that I was never able to get pregnant, for the sake of the children. I was not fit for parenthood most of my adult life. While I still hold that to be true the sorrow of not having had children of my own is always there. But I have been gifted with children in my life. Clio has been in my life since 1983. Hazel has been in my life since 2003. And the children my agency serves have been the recipient of my work efforts since 1998.

41 - 14

Good Fortune

I had a nice day yesterday. It was relaxing and easy, yet productive. I got the reorganization of the art book shelf done, and some reorganizing in the bedroom as well. I read some dharma and watched The Lion's Roar again (3rd time). I wrote email and a blog, and read some on-line info and the NY Times on-line. I spoke to my friend Lee and my mother, visited with C & S for a bit and played with the dogs. I watched the N.E. Patriots wallop the N.Y. Jets and enjoyed a JAG episode I had tivo'd. I cooked a frozen pizza, had a meeting with F to discuss household finances and cleaned the kitchen. I did a lot.

I'm feeling much more settled about the loss I am feeling. The pain has passed and so has much of the sorrow. I expect it to arise again as the date of C & S's departure approaches. But I think dealing with it yesterday by thinking it through, talking about it and writing about it, and realizing that loss is my reaction to change and no more than that has greatly reduced the degree to which I feel sadness and upset about it. As Christi herself has said, we are not losing friends, they are merely moving and we will still have plenty of contact and face-to-face time. There really is something to be said about dealing with things head on.

Today I read a short article about H.H. Karmapa and it mentioned he was trying to be vegetarian. I had heard recently that many Tibetans in exile were adopting vegetarianism, as they are no longer reduced to meat as one of the few sources of protein available to them. Of course, this makes me want to go back to being vegetarian. I often eat vegetarian meals but have eaten more meat, especially red meat, since my bariatric surgery. I can digest red meat better than chicken and it is a high source of protein for me. But I will consider a gradual conversion to vegetarianism. I know it is the right thing morally and spiritually.

Right now I am feeling very positive about the future. I am feeling more and more open to and protective of my relationship with the sangha. I am excited about Bardor Tulku Rinpoche coming to Jacksonville and everytime I think of him I wonder what good fortune to befall me that I have met him in this life. It causes me to wonder about my previous lives and whether I knew him then or is this our first encounter. I am such a neophyte Buddhist it would not surprise me if this were the very first life time in which I heard the name Buddha or met any Buddhists.

The other night I had a dream that I had retired and sold all my possessions but clothing, some books and art supplies. I still had Ben and Yeshe and I bought a pick-up truck and a small 5th wheel and lived in it very near KTD. I dreamed that I walked to practice in the main shrine room everyday and that the field where I had the trailer held a small community of other Kagyu practitioner's who had retired and wanted to be near the Monastery. My dream was peaceful. My practice was deep, and daily life was simple. I took great delight in the noodles and slept with them on my bed, the boys wrapped around each other in their sleeping bag. I thrived in the solitude. Even the snow didn't bother me!

Whether that dream is a glimpse at the future or not, I choose to see it as the future is bright. I look forward to seeing it unfold.

Talking To Myself

I’d like to avoid having this talk with myself today. I’d like to watch tv and the Patriot/Jet game, read, sleep, daydream, do some more reorganizing of the book shelves...and on and on. I’d like to fill my day with things that don’t disturb or worry me. I’d like to do all that everyday between now and February 5th. But February 5th is still going to come, like it or not.

February 5th is the day that Christi needs to be in Baltimore to start her new job. I’m sure she will go up sooner but I don’t have that date as of yet. So in my mind it is February 5th. She and the Q are our, my, very good friends. I think I haven’t laughed as much with anyone in my life, except Tommy G (we didn’t know enough at the time that we were laughing at the wrong things, and he didn’t live long enough to learn that). We always laugh when together. No matter how much pain any of us may be in, after the crying we always get to the laughter, and I will miss that the most of all.

I wish I could say I don’t know how someone could just pick up and leave everything but I’ve done that myself. I did it in 1992 when Lin and I picked up and moved to Ft. Lauderdale from NY. Like Christi, I decided to leave as I was turning 40 and actually moved at age 41. I left family, good friends, a job I loved, an apt that was wonderful, affordable and that I had lived in for 10 years. I left a city I had once loved and thrived in and come to dread but that still held treasures of art, theatre, and an abundance of culture I could lose myself in. But I knew it was time for me to move on and none of the losses mattered as much as moving on. A part of me was dying inside. I didn’t have the inner life I have now. I didn’t have the inner reserve I have now. It no longer matters to me where I live. I don’t think I would have developed in this way if I stayed in NY. No way of being sure of that but I suspect it’s true.

Loss didn’t stop happening after I left NY. There’s been plenty more of it since then. The most devastating I think was the break up of my 12 year relationship 3 years after we left NY. I know now, more than ever before in my life, that loss is a daily occurrence. No way to stop it. Loss is my experience of change. And change is ever present in life and always has been.

So this change I will take in stride also. It will hurt. It will need a period of adjustment. But like the other changes I have lived through it will find its place in my life. For Christi and Sue their move will open opportunities for new things in their lives. New jobs, people, surroundings, experiences. The vacuum their leaving creates in my life will also be filled with new things. I don’t know what they will be exactly but I sense that they will be good things that will continue to enrich my life, inner and outer.

I am ready for this now. I can do this without shutting C & S out and backing off. I can do this and not adjust to their being gone before they actually leave. I can love them and enjoy them now and in the way our relationship develops in the future. I am happy for their upcoming adventure. I know it is a great career move for Christi. It sounds like a perfect fit for her talents and intelligence and I know she will excel in it.

I’m so glad I had this talk.

Change

"This is the fundamental teachings of all buddhas: the consistency of actions and their results."
Karma Chakme's Mountain Dharma, Vol. 1, as taught by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche

It's Just Another Day

It's only the 5th day of January and already it's turning into a wondrous 2007!

Found out today that our good friends C & S, a/k/a, J & Q will be moving to Baltimore where C has been offered a very good promotion. I'm happy for her because this new appointment opens doors to career opportunities for her that do not exist in Jacksonville. I'm happy for S because she dislikes Jax so much and has wanted to get out for quite awhile. Beyond that, in terms of my self and F, I am sad about them leaving the city. While they will remain close friends always the frequency with which we'll see them (currently at least 1 or 2x per week) will change to several longer visits a year.

Change, change is ever present and I need to take this one in stride as well.

I finished the grant request I was working on at work 5 days early so I am pleased about that. My work week was a mixture of being brain dead and achieving little to doing enormous amounts of work in a very short time. Next week is a 5 day work week and then a 3 day weekend that I will spend in Atlanta with Clio. I'm really looking forward to that.

Taylor went back to SC this week and while I am enjoying privacy again and a return to my routine, he is on my mind a lot. He's such a wonderful kid, but like most kids can do some of the most mindless dumb stuff. You cannot infuse maturity or wisdom the way you can nutritious food. At some point you have to step away from the child learning to ride a 2 wheeler with no training wheels and hope they don't damage themselves when they fall.

Suddenly I am extremely tired and want to sleep for 4000 years.

Nowhere Man

He's a real nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?
Nowhere Man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command.

He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere Man can you see me at all?
Nowhere Man, don't worry,
Take your time, don't hurry,
Leave it all till somebody else
lends you a hand.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command.

He's a real Nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.

Lennon/McCartney, Northern Songs, Ltd.

1, 2, Buckle My Shoe

First day back to work in the new year. Wish I can say I came back with a blast, but I haven't. I'm tired. Sleepy tired, though I slept like a rock!

I have not made any "formal" resolutions this year, but I can't seem to stop thinking in terms of resolutions. I keep thinking that now I am going to start this, or now I am going to study and practice dharma more diligently, or now I am going to eat better. Then I catch myself and say to myself that it shouldn't be about now, just because its a new year. A new year signifies a new beginning, but every second is a new beginning. Anything short of that is just giving myself permission to not do what is there for me to do.

This Calendar Year...

...comes to an end today.

It's strange that we measure time so minutely. Scientists have it measured to the nanosecond. It categorizes each instant as if it were a separate entity unto itself, instead of the continuum it is.

Yesterday at Sangha, during our book discussion, a 20+ year practitioner pointed out that enlightenment is a continual process of learning and realization. You don't practice, practice, practice and then one day enlightment strikes. It is ongoing. Awakeness is an on-going practice. Pema Chodron also alluded to this in her interview with Bill Moyers on his Faith and Reason special. We watched it again last night and it was so good, again.

Yet, we westerners are programmed to hope that this year ends today and perhaps the new one, which starts tomorrow, will be better or different. As if each year were a chapter of our life. As if what is going on in our lives, who we are, will be different tomorrow because the calendar has changed. We attribute the hardships or good fortune we've experienced in the past year to luck, rather than our karma or our decisions to behave in certain ways. There is always the effects of other people's karma that we witness and can cause us pain or not. And so we hope that those we love will be safe, healthy and prosperous too.

I am not a nihilist, nor do I believe in fate. I do believe in karma, as a constant, and I do believe you can consciously create karma, whether negative or positive and that can effect your future life and lives. Painful experiences will still occur to me and to those I love, and to the world at large. And that is just life. I can willfully end this life, but I cannot willfully end life, as I believe I will come back again and again until not only I get it right, but I have vowed to come back again and again and again until all beings take the opportunity to get it right.

So "the calendar's changing, the pages fell off, but the singer remains the same." Lyrics by Harry Nilson, fromMr. Richland's Favorite Song

2006

I woke up to the news that Saddam Hussein's hanging is imminent. This brings me sadness. Any kind of murder makes me sad. There is no justification for it. I heard an Iraqi official say yesterday that the hanging will not be televised or held publicly because they do not want to appear barbaric and they feel he should be given the respect of privacy. If they don't want to appear barbaric they should not hang him or kill him in any other manner. If he is due the respect of a private murder then he is due the respect of valuing life.

I'd like to say that I'm glad to see this year go. But it has already gone, up to and including the time it took me to type this sentence. Emotionally I am feeling the effects of the cumulative events of this past 10 - 11 months. I am feeling the effects of being off schedule for the past several weeks, longer maybe, since vacaton in early November. I am feeling the effects of living in a disordered home right now. I am feeling the effects of not having enough privacy right now. Those are the difficult feelings.

The easy feelings are that I am feeling very close to my sangha. Close and protective of it. I am feeling the urge to paint and as soon as I decide what medium to use I will begin to paint a small series of paintings. I am reading the dharma and enjoying it and learning. I am chanting and practicing more. I have close friends who I can tell I am blue. I have a boss whom I can tell I am blue and she makes a suggestion that I take one of those weekend retreats for myself. She reminds me how renewed I come back from one of those. I have friends who care and ask if they can do anything to help. Always there, needed or not. Always getting me to laugh and be outside myself. These are all the easy things right now.

The only thing I know will happen in the future is that each day will be a different date. I have no new year resolutions. I have no intention of making any. I aspire everyday to be better than I am now. Sometimes I succeed. Frequently I do not. I keep trying anyway.

'Tis the Season...

Today is my Friday. I will be off work from tomorrow through Tuesday, returning next Wednesday for a 3 day work week and then a 3 day weekend for the New Year. Taylor is staying with us til he goes back to school so some of what I hoped to do during this long weekend will probably not get accomplished, but then other things can be accomplished. Taylor is always willing to do anything his grandmother asks so I'm sure some of the chores in the garage will get done, which is a very good thing.

We have some fun stuff planned for the holidays, not the least of which is downtime. Tomorrow I will bake cookies and maybe work in my studio for a while. I need to do some organizing and cleaning in there -- so it is ready for me to work in. I feel a large painting coming on. I have a 60" x 40" canvas waiting to be painted and I think I will start it sometime over this holiday period. I haven't decided yet whether to do it in oil or acrylic. I'm attracted to both for this particular painting.

Saturday morning I will pick up the ham for Sunday evening and bring it to Shannon's, then go to Sangha. I think Michael and I will be the only Board members in town this weekend. Sunday night we will spend xmas eve at Shannon's with our special group of people. Sunday and Monday we have NO plans, and intend to keep it that way. Perhaps a movie, studio time and relaxation with friends is in order. The weekend of New Year's eve has us with a dinner date with our sangha friends and a viewing of the Bill Moyers interview with Pema Chodron. No plans for the eve, just us - our favorite way to shed a past year and welcome in a new one.

New Years morning will find us at our KTC center celebrating First Light with our sangha. It's a lovely practice and we follow it with a pot luck brunch at the center.

All in all, the next 11 days has space for a balanced mix of quiet time, family, friends, socializing, practice, creative time and work. I'm ready for it. I'm feeling better than I was earlier in the week. Perhaps is it just the effects of that brownie I ate 20 minutes ago...

Toosday

A rehash of yesterday as I post a rehash of a drawing I posted last week. Same shit different day is all I'm saying.

Spent several hours today with a young man that had been thrown out of his parents home for insisting on doing it his own way. It brought back many memories of what I went through at 17, same reasons, different way of dealing with it. I remember it felt awful and I think this youngster feels that way too, though I doubt he would admit it. I didn't either back then. It's scary enough being "out there" without admitting the fear, despair and confusion.

As I wrote the word confusion I remembered a quote by Robert Motherwell: "Confusion is the absence of real feeling." Hmmmm

I will take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha today.

Here is a photo taken in India on Dec 17, 2006 of H.H. The XIVth Dalai Lama and H.H. The XVIIth Karmapa.

Monday

I am feeling down and blah today. It is disguising itself as fatigue, but I'm not really tired. It was a difficult weekend. Not restful. Parts were enjoyable. Certainly a highligh was watching Julian dance the role of the Prince in the Nutcracker at the Florida Theater. He was wonderful and his improvement from production to production is amazing to watch. He is clearly gifted in dance, ballet in particular. It was good to see Taylor, though I worry about him.

I attended Chenrezig practice with the sangha on Saturday. It was good to be there and to practice together. I am understanding more and more the "refuge" of the sangha. I seek it more earnestly.

Unfortunately, home didn't feel restful or pleasurable. Too much strife. Some times it is unavoidable. It's a difficult time of the year to be in mourning, everything is amplified by the "good cheer" of others. This too shall pass.

I'm at work and I don't feel at all industrious. I am brain dead and want to read or quietly browse the web, though I'm not sure what I would look at. I feel xmas as pressure this year, rather than joy. And then this too will pass.

A watercolor on board. I like using watercolor as opaque as I can get it.

Taking Ourselves Seriously

If we are feeling very nervous all the time, the first step toward doing something to remedy the situation is to take ourselves and the quality of our life seriously. Suppose we are walking down the street and we step on a bug and partially crush but have not actually killed it. If we continue walking and ignore the bug's experience of its leg being crushed or severed, we do so because we do not take the insect and its life seriously. We have no respect for it. If we treat ourselves no better than we do a bug and ignore our innermost pains and anguish, that is most unfortunate. Taking ourselves seriously means actually looking at how we are experiencing our life and, if there is something unsatisfactory about it, admitting it to ourselves. Our tension and stress do not go away by denying them or avoiding taking an honest look. And admitting that something is amiss is not the same as complaining about it and feeling sorry for ourselves. Nor does it imply that something is fundamentally wrong with us and we are guilty of being a bad person because we are nervous. Being objective, not melodramatic, and remaining non-judgmental are essential for any healing, spiritual process.

--from The Gelug/Kagyu Tradition of Mahamudra by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and Alexander Berzin, published by Snow Lion Publications

Notes to Myself (Who's That?)

I have often written about my need for solitude (I think I've written about it). What I don't know is what it's like to live with me, or with someone who wants to be alone. I obviously don't want to be alone, or I wouldn't be in a relationship. I've been in relationships for most of my adult life. Two long relationships, one 12 years long, and my current one 9 1/2 years and counting.

So I have to ask myself why would I go into a relationship if I wanted to be alone? Well, wanting solitude is not synonymous with wanting to be alone. Well, yeah, actually it is. Hence, one of the major contradictions (of which there are many) of my life. So, again, the question of why?

Well, maybe I am mislabeling, or misdescribing my need. I can't say I want someone who doesn't talk at all, I would have chosen someone deaf who only knows sign language or I would have chosen partners who are quiet and non-communicative. Instead, I have chosen the opposite. My 2 long term relationships have been with people with very similar personalities. Both bright, educated, articulate, very talkative ADDers who verbalize every thought that comes into their mind. Is it that I feel more alive or become more introverted as a result, that I like and need? Am I more self reflective because I need to retreat into myself to get quiet time? Do opposites really attract and that is my opposite? Would I fold up into a ball if left to my solitude? I can't say.

I know in the past I didn't but then I have to look at the fact that the periods in my life when I did live alone I spent much of my time seeking social contacts and being on the hunt. I can always humor myself with "I was so much younger than," or that was my "pre-Buddhist" days (not sure how that would make a difference). But I still have a tendency to "fill my time," when I get time alone. I make lunch and dinner dates, social committments in advance of a period of pending aloneness. I am not afraid of being alone as I once was. I'm not sure where the impulse comes from.

It's a stange thing. Seeking aloneness when not alone; seeking company when alone. I have no answers. This has been on my mind for a while. Just questioning my patterns of behavior. Trying to find the source of my impulses. I'm trying to align who I think I am with how I live my life. I'm not sure how I live will be the part that changes, or needs changing. Perhaps it is just what I think that needs to change. Or how I think it should be that needs to change.

Wondering

Is there a truth more honest than...I have to pee right now?

When I think...I wish I knew what I wanted...Who am I talking to?

Dear Diary, how come you never write back?

2 Quotes I Like

Just as the word chariot is merely a means of expressing how axle, body, wheel, and poles are brought together in a certain relationship, but when we look at each of them one by one there is no chariot in an absolute sense; and just as the word house is a way of expressing how wood and other materials stand in relationship to each other in a certain space, but in the absolute sense there is no house; and just as the word fist is an expression for the finger and thumb in relationship, and tree for trunk, branches, leaves, and so on, but in an absolute sense there is no fist or tree--in exactly the same way the words living entity and person are but ways of expressing the relationship of body, feeling, and consciousness, but when we come to examine the elements of being, one by one, we find there is no entity there. In the absolute sense there is only name and form and the mystery which they express. Such ideas as "I" and "I am" are not absolute.

~ Visuddhi Magga, From "The Pocket Buddha Reader," edited by Anne Bancroft

Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.

~ Ernest Hemingway

What's In a Name

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;"
~~Wm. Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

"Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose"
~~Gertrude Stein, "Sacred Emily"

A friend asked me today to name my feeling of yesterday. I told her it was named "Come Together" as the sheet music implied. I don't know how else to express the feeling except to show that graphic. Today I posted another graphic that depicts more than words can express, my feelings. There are times when I can be very verbal and select the appropriate words to express an experience I am having. Sometimes when that experience is completely internal, such as in deep feelings, I can't find the words to even begin to express to someone else what it is I am experiencing. I also lack the motivation to work very hard at it.

Some things just are. Some breaths I take are better, fuller breaths than others that I take. Some thoughts are fleeting and some linger for days or years. Some feelings lie low and are ever present like a drone that underscores the many passing feelings in my day. Some feelings are deep emotions that ground me to experience them as separate entities. They are not situational. They are not provoked. They are born and get my attention. They are inexpressable. They stop me in my tracks and make me think. They are just there. They are part of me, in me, and there is no way to share them but to express them visually.

So that is what I do, whether it be here, in my studio, or in my journal.

Instrumental

Sometimes I experience deep feelings but have nothing to say. So this piece of sheet music is here to express that I have a feeling but nothing to say.

JAGS vs. COLTS

Today is the rematch game between the Jaguars and the Colts. Their first meeting this year ended in a Colt victory (Sept 24, 2006 21-14). IF (caps deliberate) the Colts were coming into AllTel Stadium with a perfect record I would be very soft about them beating the JAGS again. The Colts are a great team and quite capable of a perfect season. HOWEVER (caps intended), they have lost 2 games and I want the JAGS to win BADLY!!! Watching the game is how I will spend my time during 1 - 4 p.m., today, Sunday, December 10, 2006.

This date is also the 57th anniversary of my parents marriage. I do not acknowledge their anniversary as it has not been a happy marriage. Of course, that is a judgement on my part. Though they split twice during their marriage they reconciled and continue on into old age living in a way that I find torturous. Perhaps they are happy being miserable. Perhaps nisery is what it takes for them to feel alive. Perhaps disappointment, angst and constant friction is what they expect and thusly can only feel successful if they realize those expectations. In all good conscience I cannot applaud a milestone that I prayed would never be achieved. When I was a child divorce was what we prayed for, and though attempted, never achieved.

How I spent Saturday, December 9, 2006: F and I went to Sangha for regular Chenrezig/Amitabha practice. I also had some bookeeping to do and a deposit to prepare. THe practice was nice. I'm always so glad when I have gone. I enjoy being in the presence of the sangha. I feel open and relaxed in their presence.

Yesterday a former congregant from F's old church was there. This is someone I have not had great feelings about and who was one of the anti-F people when the church split went down. My experience of him is as a voyeur who then critiques and judges what he sees. I have experienced this with him in other venues other than church. Needless to say, his presence provoked a feeling of being invaded. After practice F and I asked if L & S would like to join us for lunch. They did and we went off to an Avondale restaurant. Others from the sangha joined us which was fine. This person also joined us and I was aware of feeling guarded, closed up and resentful of his presence. I admit I have not been warm and opening to him. I feel protective of MY experience within the sangha. I feel protective of F and his critiques of her. SHe has already been hurt by this man and needs no more of this at this time.

The Dalai Lama would say that this is an opportunity to practice humility, forgiveness and compassion. I know he would be right. I'm not happy having these feelings emerge. This man can't hurt me, or F. He cannot invade my sangha or my experience of my sangha, unless I allow him to change my experiences of that which I hold precious. I really need to mneditate on this and do some tonglen practice about this. This morning josh and the Q came over and I talked with them about it. That was good for me to do. I needed to put it out there, not hold it in. I want to let it go out and blow away. It's a windy enough day for that to happen.

We received very good news at sangha yesterday. The Venerable Bardor Tulku Rinpoche (my teacher) will be coming to Jax instead of Tampa in February. I'm very excited about that.

Time to watch the game!

FryDay - Immaculately

...and another one's gone and another one's gone....another one bites the dust! Another work week almost over. I've put in for Friday 12/22 off so I will have a 5 day weekend xmas weekend.

I'm at work and the other day I put out the few xmas holiday decorations I have. Throughout the year I keep them in a bag in my file cabinet. I bring them out and put them around my workspace, this year a cubicle, for 3 weeks then I pack them away again. I'm the only Buddhist at this agency, which is 90+% Christian, and I am only one of two who have decorated as of yet. I'm grateful to not decorate at home this year. F put out a fiber-optic xmas plant. That's all she'll do this year as well. She is in mourning and doesn't feel like xmas at all. Neither do I, but not for mourning. I just feel so detached from the religious aspect of xmas at this point. It's about as relevent to my life as celebrating Moses' or Mohammed's birthday.

Something else of complete irrelevance is today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. In 1439 the Council of Basel stated that the belief was in accordance with Catholic faith, and in 1709 Pope Clement XI made the feast of the Immaculate Conception a holy day of obligation (fasting and Mass). In 1854 Pope Pius IX issued a papal statement making the Immaculate Conception official church dogma. The Immaculate Conception relates to Mary, mother of Jesus, having been born without original sin. So not only was Jesus born without human intercourse, but Mary, though conceived in the usual sexual way was given a pass from original sin, and all sin throughout her life, by God himself. Ergo, an immaculate conception. That makes her worthy to have been the mother of God. And we westerners think its weird that Muslim jihadist suicide bombers can believe they will be rewarded with 37 virgins in heaven. Heaven obviously has the corner on virgins!

Not much else going on today. Looking forward to a quiet evening at home. It is EXTREMELY cold for us southerners. Last night was in the 30's, and tonight it is forcasted to go below 30o. I will make a nice fire tonight and we will eat leftovers. And we will LIKE it!

It's been a pretty good week. The Buddha Relics Tour came to town. The special puja Monday night. Seeing Julian, if even for a brief time on Monday. The quiet, but busy, work week. The quiet and oh-so-pleasant home life. The visit Wednesday evening by Lori's new puppy, Hannah, and the time she spent playing with Yeshe. Wishing my father happy birthday on his 76th! The ease with which I was able to replace my and F's windshield wiper blades. The house cleaning that got done this week. It's the small things in life that make it pleasant to be alive.

I'll give George Carlin the last word today:

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

Toosday

We had a wonderful Chenrezig puja at our KTC center last night. The two female custodians of the relics brought them to the center last night. They were encased and placed before our shrine. Almost 30 people attended this special puja and it was very exhilerating. Here are some photos:

Three members of the KTC JAX Board of Directors with the two organizers and attendents at the special Chenrezig puja. The relics are contained within the yellow silk casing to the right of the people.

The encased relics on the small table before Bardor Tulku Rinpoche's seat. In front of the casing are offerings. Michael Turnquist, Founder and Director of KTC Jacksonville sits to the right of the relics.

The goal of the Relics Tour is to bestow blessings on those who view the relics, to inspire practitioners, and to raise funds to build a shrine in India that will permanently house the relics. I know funds were raised. I have confidence that blessings were received by those who viewed the relics and worked for their safe arrival and departure. I can say that I was greatly inspired by being in the presence of the relics. It is almost an indescribable feeling to be in the same room with relics from the historical Gautama Buddha and the 1st Karmapa, Dusum Khyenpa. To view the writing of Yeshe Tsogyal in two fragments from letters she wrote to Padmasambhava sent shivers up my spine. It was a very physical response. I have a sense that the full impact of this experience is not yet perceivable by me or others.

Also on view was the relics of Lama Tsongkhapa, a 14th century teacher from the Amdo Province in Eastern Tibet. He taught:

"If you knew how hard it is to acquire,
Living the average life would be impossible.

If you saw its great benefits,
You would be sorry if it stayed meaningless.

If you thought about death,
You would make preparations for your future lives.

If you thought about cause and effect,
You would stop being reckless."