September 30, 2007

I am reading a very thought provoking book called Karma Chakme's Mountain Dharma as taught by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche. It's really a wonderful book of Buddhist teachings, and Rinpoche presents it in a very simple way for us western learners. The teachings are 5 volumes and to date 2 have been published. Volume 3 is schedule for the end of this year and volumes 4 and 5 are scheduled for release in 2008. It will probably take me that long just to finish volume 1. I know I'm not dense (well, actually I don't know that) but it does take me a long while to absorb this completely new way of seeing life and the world and reality. I need to munch on each point for quite a while, like a cow chewing her cud. The hardest part is to see it as it is, and not through my own cultural references. Is that possible? Yes, but it's damned hard.

September 28, 2007

Negative, negative, negative....for my pap, the biopsy, and the ultrasound. More about this later.

September 24, 2007

I woke up tired, sunburned, feeling good and energized. I took an inventory of why I felt so good after having had none of the things this weekend I usually crave: sleep, uninterrupted alone time to watch my favorite reruns on TV, watching football, playing SNOOD or WORD WHOMP on my computer, scrolling through dozens of art blogs on-line, and napping. Instead, I participated in the KTC Jax Meditation-thon.

The Meditation-thon began Friday night at 5:00 p.m. in Memorial Park and ended Sunday night in Memorial Park at 5:00 p.m. The entire event wasn’t in the park. As a matter of fact, half of it was held at our center, with an opening program of Chenrezig sadhana on Friday night and all night meditation Friday and Saturday nights. In addition, one of our members led a midnight Chenrezig sadhana at the center Saturday night/Sunday morning. This was all in celebration of the United Nation’s International Day of Peace. It was an honor to be a part of it. And I was only a very small part of it.

But what I did that made me feel so good was break my pattern. Instead of feeding my craving for mindless activities I believe I deserve to indulge in, I meditated more, chanted more, spent more time with like-minded people, contributed something to the world – if only a wish and a prayer for peace, spent time talking, listening, laughing, watching meditation, listening to birds, squirrels, and people playing in the park, talking to strangers, playing with a dog, talking and visiting with friends, and being outdoors in the sun. I drank lots of water, ate nutritious and delicious Viet Namese vegetarian food prepared by the daughter of a sangha sister, and enjoyed fresh fruit. I took good care of my body and I fed my inner life. The only thing tired at the end of it was my body, and 9 hours out in the sun will do that to anyone. I feel renewed by the whole experience and am so glad I participated. It was a gift to me.


Credits
1. Photo of the Meditation-thon by EMILY BARNES/The Times-Union
2. International Day of Peace Poster by the United Nations

September 22, 2007

I'd really prefer to ignore what I'm going to write but I'm not ignoring it, I just haven't written about it up to this point. So I might as well write about it.

I have recently been going through some medical tests to determine why I had a post-menopausal period after 7 years. I got the blood results first and they were fine - even better than fine - they were very good. I went to a GYN, who I really like, and she did a biopsy of my uterus and scheduled me for a transvaginal ultra-sound, which I've also had. I have not yet received the results of these 2 tests.

I was buoyed by the blood test results and in general do not feel overly concerned about having uteran cancer, except that while all this is also going on I have been so fatigued as to be in pain at times, just from exhaustion. I am not anemic, or deficient in anything that would cause fatigue. I get a good night's sleep every night, and have been able to nap several times a week. My morning's start off ok and I feel energized. About 3 in the afternoon I feel like I hit a wall and I have to sleep. I admit to having fallen asleep at work on several occassions, right here in my little cubby.

I am scheduled to see the GYN again next Wednesday to get results from the babopsy and the ultrasound. I'm sure it will be fine and then I won't have anything to ignore. For now.

September 11, 2007

I'm ignoring the relevance of the date.

September 7, 2007

This picture of me and my sister was taken this past weekend in Delray Beach. We were there to celebrate our mother's 75th birthday. My sister and I had planned a dinner party at a nice Italian Restaurant and it included 14 family members traveling from Jacksonville, New York, and Sarasota.

Was it a surprise to my mom? Yes. But it was more of a surprise to my dad, my siblings and me that my mother was such a difficult bitch about the whole thing. Thirteen of us were absolutely thrilled to be there together for something as celebratory as a 75th birthday, and not a funeral. Knowing my mother, she will be difficult during her own funeral because it won't go down the way she wants it to.

But I'm not writing this blog about my mother. I'm writing it about my sister.

I absolutely adore my sister. If I have a truly best friend in this world it is my sister. She know's me better than anyone. I know her for her entire life. She knows me for all but the first 15 months of my life. She has seen me at my lowest point and she has seen me slowly recover. She's always been in my corner rooting for me.

I ALWAYS feel good when I am with Brenda. I can talk to her easily. We share very similar memories about growing up. We spent the first many years of our lives together, sharing a bedroom, being paired off as the "girls," treated alike, regardless of the age and school grade difference. While we are only 15 months apart, we were 3 school grades apart. My sister had to follow after me in school and got the "oh, no, you're not like your sister, are you?" treatment. She wasn't like me. She's very different.

In some ways my sister's not as smart as I am, nor as educated, or streetwise, or as curious about the world around her, but she is much smarter about living than I am. While she has suffered too, she has a built in tendency toward balance in her life. She chose her spouse well, and they have been married for 35 years. It's the smoothest marriage I have ever witnessed. They have not been without challenges, for they have had heartbreaking challenges. But they have always faced them together, with no division between them. They don't bicker. They enjoy each other and a quiet, but active life. They have friends, two of whom are their closest friends and have been since their teen years. They have just become grandparents for the first time.

I envy the ease with which my sister has approached her life. She had many of the same obstacles as I and yet was clear about what she wanted and what she didn't want. She stood firm in her determination to achieve her goals. I, on the other hand, never could see past my own nose and pain to create goals. And if I had, I doubt I would have had the confidence to strive for them, let alone accomplish them.

The thing that makes me feel best about my sister is that she reminds me on a fairly regular basis that I am her big sister. I am someone she looked up to while growing up. It was my bed she ran into at night when she was frightened by storms or shadows, or yelling. It was my hand she reached for when we were little and she was scared. It was my face she looked toward for comfort and reassurance when one of our parents were beating the shit out of us or each other. If was me she turned to when our mother would make her so angry all she could do was cry.

Brenda has always let me know that I am important to her too. That I am as loved by her as she is by me. She is the best medicine this life has to offer me. I can't imagine a world without her in it.