John

Pissed Off Again

As if it isn't bad enough that idiot boy told us all was well last night in his State of "His" Union Speech, but then today the Senate voted down the Minimum Wage Bill by a vote of 54 - 43 with 3 absences.

Senator Bill Nelson of FL voted "yea." The other Senator, Mel Martinez, a/k/a mental midget, voted "nay." I fired off an email to him expressing my dismay.

Dear Senator Martinez

I am very disappointed in your vote on H.R.2 -Fair Minimum Wage Act of 2007.

There is no reason that service and entry level workers should not get an increase in their minimum wage after 10 years of being at the same rate. To withhold the badly needed increase for reasons of tax breaks to
restaurants is riduculous as anyone who has worked in the industry knows, restaurant workers are exempt from minimum wage guidelines because a portion of their wage is collected and taxed through tipping.

The working poor in this country need to be valued and respected. They need an increase in wages. How shallow of you not to realize that when you work in a state with a large service industry work force.

The hipocracy of this vote is so insulting. The U.S. Senate has enjoyed 7 increases totalling $31,600 in the same time period that our working poor received $0 increase! I am angry about it.

Sincerely,

Hrumph!!!

The Truth

is always the truth regardless of when it was said or written. The following statements were written by Thomas Merton 45 years ago. They are applicable to our world today.

Hence it becomes more and more difficult to estimate the morality of an act leading to war because it is more and more difficult to know precisely what is going on. Not only is war increasingly a matter for pure specialists operating with fantastically complex machinery, but above all there is the question of absolute secrecy regarding everything that seriously affects defense policy. We may amuse ourselves by reading the reports in mass media and imagine that these “facts” provide sufficient basis for moral judgments for and against war. But in reality, we are simply elaborating moral fantasies in a vacuum. Whatever we may decide, we remain completely at the mercy of the governmental power, or rather the anonymous power of managers and generals who stand behind the façade of government. We have no way of directly influencing the decisions and policies taken by these people. In practice, we must fall back on a blinder and blinder faith which more and more resigns itself to trusting the “legitimately constituted authority” without having the vaguest notion what that authority is liable to do next. This condition of irresponsibility and passivity is extremely dangerous. It is hardly conducive to genuine morality.

From: Thomas Merton. Passion for Peace: The Social Essays. William H. Shannon, ed., p 113-114

We used to have an unrivaled reputation among the backward people of the world. We were considered the true defenders of liberty, justice and peace, the hope of the future. Our anger, our ignorance and our frustration have made us forfeit this tremendous advantage [written in 1962].

Passion for Peace: 110

The Swarm

Frankye and I are borrowing 3 dachshunds from our friends C and S. The 3 were available for borrowing because C & S went up to Baltimore to visit C’s new job assignment and to house hunt for their upcoming move to MD.

Normally I would say that we were taking care of 3 or their 6 dogs while they dealt with their impending move, but then that would not explain the opportunity F and I have to develop patience and acceptance in our march toward bodhisattva-hood. The visiting 3 added to our 3 means we have six dachshunds under our roof at this time. C and S have 5 dachshunds and 1 golden retriever that they share their lives with on a regular basis. In the past they have babysat our 3, making it an uneven 9.

Having 6 dachshunds under our roof not only gives us an opportunity to develop patience and acceptance but it also allows us to develop compassion for our good friends. On a regular basis C & S wake up to the yelps and cries of 5 teckels (a German word for Dachshunds, which is German for badger dog) screeching to be let outside. Dachshunds are hunters, and no matter how sound proof your house is, or how many blankets you cover their kennel with, if a worm has moved anywhere on your (their) property they will know about it and seek it out as soon as you let them out. Regardless of the time of day, or the weather, teckels loudly announce their worm-hunt, as hounds chasing a fox do.

If you know anything about dachshunds you know they are pack animals. It is easier to care for 2 than for 1. They thrive on and demand attention, not just from you, but from each other as well. They are more likely to sit together in a clump than to go off alone to separate areas to sit and watch or nap. Having 6 of them at one time has caused them to function like a swarm of bees. If the lead dog changes direction, they all follow suit and fly around the house or yard as an ever-in-motion group.

This morning the worms moved early and so I was awakened at 4:45 with an ever insistent yelp from Yeshe. It took 30 seconds to call all the troops to attention and 5 of the 6 (the old lady Alice thinks she has caught enough worms in this lifetime) bolted out the front door yelping and running at full speed in a swarm to the sound of the worm, 3 inches below the surface, somewhere on the side of the house. It was exhilarating, not just to me, but to my neighbor’s 2 outdoor German shepherds who also heralded the fact that a worm had moved…somewhere…though they knew not where…in the vicinity of the long dogs. That was good enough for them.

And so, most of us on the lane today got to practice patience and acceptance, courtesy of a swarm of dachshunds.

Post Atlanta

I had a wonderful time in Atlanta with Clio. It felt so good to be with her. I've missed her and really got in touch with that when I was with her. It's been so long since she and I have spent quality time together. I really wish we lived in the same city. But she is not likely to move to Jacksonville, and I am just as unlikely (if not more) to move to a city as big as Atlanta.

I have to tell you about a most incredible meal I had while in Atlanta. Food is important in my life and good food is a treat to be enjoyed, reminisced and remembered. Two good friends of Clio's, Peggy Jean and Leslie, invited us to dinner Saturday night. Clio's other friends, Peter and Francois, invited the dinner party to their house. Peggy Jean bought and cooked the meal, and Peter and Francois hosted it.

First, I have to say that Peter and Francois have a really nice home. I don't know what part of Atlanta it is in, so don't ask. The house has beautifully painted colorful walls, with restored wood features. The furniture is comfortable and big, and the ambience of the home reeks of comfort and welcome. The kitchen is open with a center island and beautiful appliances. The kitchen, dining room and living room flow into one another like in a loft. The floors are hard wood and beautifully done. The kitchen ceiling is also light hard wood. It was an incredibly comfortable environment to be in.

Peggy Jean, with some support from Peter, prepared the meal. What a meal it was! I am just going to list the menu:

broiled seasoned lamb served sliced and rare
spiced turkey sausage with no casing
roast pork sliced
baked perch and tilopia served in a delicious sauce
baked salmon steak
baked tuna steak
steamed and buttered green beans with feta cheese
boiled russet potatoes with butter and spices
roast bread with butter and garlic
wine
fresh cherry compote
pound cake
apple pie
Vanilla, dulce de leche, and chocolate Haagen-Dazs
cool whip

It was a feast. Everything was so delicious that I wished I could eat more than I was able. It was wonderful! And so was the company. In the hours we spent together we talked about our families, our histories of how we knew one another, retold funny anecdotes and jokes, laughed a lot, and just had a really wonderful evening. I feel so good that Clio has this group of friends in Atlanta. While I know she is lonely for a relationship and someone to share her life in an intimate way, I'm glad she has bright, interesting, caring friends to spend time with.

The other things we did included going to eat Indian food together and then spending time at Borders, eating out at a local pizzeria with Peggy Jean and Leslie, hanging out and watching movies together at home, going to look at an apartment for Clio together, fitting in a nap each day, talking, talking, talking, and just enjoying one another. We spent a little time at Peggy Jean and Leslie's apt and I got to see Peggy Jean's artwork. It is very unique, witty, funny and creative. We fit a lot in but we also had too little time together. It just went so quickly.

I want to see Clio more frequently. It only took 5 1/2 hours to drive up and it was worth every mile of it. I consider, and have considered, Clio my daughter (step-daughter but I couldn't love her more if I had birthed her) but I didn't know that she considered me her parent. When she said that to me it just felt so good. I felt as though I had actually contributed something to the world. Clio is truly a gift in my life and I am so proud of her. It was a good, good trip.

LIVE!!!!! from Atlanta - it's Saturday

morning!

Before I get into Atlanta and Clio, I want to recount an experience I had yesterday. I stationed myself in Macclenny so I would be halfway to I-75 when I got off work. In the course of my shuttling between centers in Macclenny I was temporarily postponed by the annual MLK Day parade.

I've been to many parades in my life: St.Patrick's Day, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day, Thanksgiving Day, Gay Day in 1/2 dozen cities, Mardi Gras parades, but I had never been to a country parade.

The size of the parade underwhelmed me. It consisted of the following: every Baker County owned vehicle including the fire engines, police, sheriff, EMT, water administation, NE FL telephone co., etc, sirens blaring if they had them. Music was supplied by the Baker County High School band in full marching velvet uniforms; though from what I saw and heard only the drummers knew how to play their instruments. There was another band that didn't even beat their drums. They had no uniforms or identifying sashes but by their ages they seemed to be intermediate school age. The elementary school provided a contingent from the "Just Say No" club.

There was a limo but the persons they were driving (windows up, a/c on, windows tinted) were not identified in any way. There was a wagon load of City Commissioners, followed by another wagon load of County Commissioners. There were several vans filled with elderly black people, a xeroxed photo of MLK taped to the sides of the van. There was a school bus from the local Baptist Church with two ladies and a driver practicing their Queen Elizabeth wave. There were six antique cars in the procession, in age order, the oldest, a model T, first, next a 1936 Chevrolet. The drivers declined in age as the vehicles did. I got the impression these were original owners. After the antique cars came the Black motorcycle club on their rice burners. Not a Harley to be found anywhere.

After all the VIPs came the best part of the parade. The one float in the parade that truly signifies the commitment of the community to honor Dr. King: On a long flatbed truck pulled by a huge Mac truck cab was the biggest John Deere tractor I had ever seen! Sitting proudly atop the seat of the tractor was a man dressed as Smokey the Bear, waving wildly to all six of us watching the parade.

Afterwards, I asked a co-worker why the parade was held on Friday and not Monday, the actual holiday. She said the county would have to pay time and half to get county workers to drive those vehicles in the parade. Friday is cheaper. And there it was. My first country parade.

I arrived safely in Atlanta and was absolutely thrilled to see Clio. Upon arrival we immediately went to a restaurant to pick up a pizza Clio had ordered in advance. En route she received a phone call from friends and we decided to meet them at the restaurant and stay in and eat our pizza. I met Clio's best friends and enjoyed our time together. I was surprised at how much they knew about me and that Clio had obviously mentioned me on at least one occassion. I liked her friends a lot and would easily include them in my social circle if I lived in the area.

Afterwards, we wnt to Clio's home. She lives on the second floor and that was a bit of a challenge but it's a short flight and I arrived in good shape. Her apt is tiny. Like NYC tiny. It has a NY feel to it and is charming. There is no wasted space in the apt, no halways or foyers and has limited closets and storage. Unlike NY it doesn't cost her $2400 a month and is really quiete reasonable since it is in trendy Little Five Points.

Today we are having breakfast with friends and going to see an apt. Clio might move into. Tonight - dinner with her friends at their apt.

It feels really good to be with Clio. I will write more as the weekend moves along.

A Day is a Day is a Day

Today is just another day. It will not stand out in my memory but will blend into the mass of days I have lived with no particular distinction. I guess that means I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Putting one foot in front of the other. Going to work, doing chores, thinking, reading, talking when I must, listening, resting, eating, sleeping.

Tomorrow I will get up and do it again. Until about 2 pm. At 2:00 I will begin a 5 1/2 hour drive to Atlanta to visit with Clio, one of my all time favorite people on this planet. It will be good to see her and to talk and laugh, and gossip, and laugh some more. We have breakfast plans with some of her friends, we will look at an apt she is thinking of leasing, we will eat out and walk and chill out in her apt and sleep in and enjoy one another for the brief time we are together. We will probably reminisce about a time when she was much younger and we shared daily life together. I will remember the days I am with her, as I remember the last time I was with her and the time before that and before that.

I'm glad to have Clio in my life. I guess that's what kids do, they make days memorable and the older you get the more you need them to help add value and depth to your life. I have long regretted not having children. I have also long been grateful that I was never able to get pregnant, for the sake of the children. I was not fit for parenthood most of my adult life. While I still hold that to be true the sorrow of not having had children of my own is always there. But I have been gifted with children in my life. Clio has been in my life since 1983. Hazel has been in my life since 2003. And the children my agency serves have been the recipient of my work efforts since 1998.

41 - 14

Good Fortune

I had a nice day yesterday. It was relaxing and easy, yet productive. I got the reorganization of the art book shelf done, and some reorganizing in the bedroom as well. I read some dharma and watched The Lion's Roar again (3rd time). I wrote email and a blog, and read some on-line info and the NY Times on-line. I spoke to my friend Lee and my mother, visited with C & S for a bit and played with the dogs. I watched the N.E. Patriots wallop the N.Y. Jets and enjoyed a JAG episode I had tivo'd. I cooked a frozen pizza, had a meeting with F to discuss household finances and cleaned the kitchen. I did a lot.

I'm feeling much more settled about the loss I am feeling. The pain has passed and so has much of the sorrow. I expect it to arise again as the date of C & S's departure approaches. But I think dealing with it yesterday by thinking it through, talking about it and writing about it, and realizing that loss is my reaction to change and no more than that has greatly reduced the degree to which I feel sadness and upset about it. As Christi herself has said, we are not losing friends, they are merely moving and we will still have plenty of contact and face-to-face time. There really is something to be said about dealing with things head on.

Today I read a short article about H.H. Karmapa and it mentioned he was trying to be vegetarian. I had heard recently that many Tibetans in exile were adopting vegetarianism, as they are no longer reduced to meat as one of the few sources of protein available to them. Of course, this makes me want to go back to being vegetarian. I often eat vegetarian meals but have eaten more meat, especially red meat, since my bariatric surgery. I can digest red meat better than chicken and it is a high source of protein for me. But I will consider a gradual conversion to vegetarianism. I know it is the right thing morally and spiritually.

Right now I am feeling very positive about the future. I am feeling more and more open to and protective of my relationship with the sangha. I am excited about Bardor Tulku Rinpoche coming to Jacksonville and everytime I think of him I wonder what good fortune to befall me that I have met him in this life. It causes me to wonder about my previous lives and whether I knew him then or is this our first encounter. I am such a neophyte Buddhist it would not surprise me if this were the very first life time in which I heard the name Buddha or met any Buddhists.

The other night I had a dream that I had retired and sold all my possessions but clothing, some books and art supplies. I still had Ben and Yeshe and I bought a pick-up truck and a small 5th wheel and lived in it very near KTD. I dreamed that I walked to practice in the main shrine room everyday and that the field where I had the trailer held a small community of other Kagyu practitioner's who had retired and wanted to be near the Monastery. My dream was peaceful. My practice was deep, and daily life was simple. I took great delight in the noodles and slept with them on my bed, the boys wrapped around each other in their sleeping bag. I thrived in the solitude. Even the snow didn't bother me!

Whether that dream is a glimpse at the future or not, I choose to see it as the future is bright. I look forward to seeing it unfold.

Talking To Myself

I’d like to avoid having this talk with myself today. I’d like to watch tv and the Patriot/Jet game, read, sleep, daydream, do some more reorganizing of the book shelves...and on and on. I’d like to fill my day with things that don’t disturb or worry me. I’d like to do all that everyday between now and February 5th. But February 5th is still going to come, like it or not.

February 5th is the day that Christi needs to be in Baltimore to start her new job. I’m sure she will go up sooner but I don’t have that date as of yet. So in my mind it is February 5th. She and the Q are our, my, very good friends. I think I haven’t laughed as much with anyone in my life, except Tommy G (we didn’t know enough at the time that we were laughing at the wrong things, and he didn’t live long enough to learn that). We always laugh when together. No matter how much pain any of us may be in, after the crying we always get to the laughter, and I will miss that the most of all.

I wish I could say I don’t know how someone could just pick up and leave everything but I’ve done that myself. I did it in 1992 when Lin and I picked up and moved to Ft. Lauderdale from NY. Like Christi, I decided to leave as I was turning 40 and actually moved at age 41. I left family, good friends, a job I loved, an apt that was wonderful, affordable and that I had lived in for 10 years. I left a city I had once loved and thrived in and come to dread but that still held treasures of art, theatre, and an abundance of culture I could lose myself in. But I knew it was time for me to move on and none of the losses mattered as much as moving on. A part of me was dying inside. I didn’t have the inner life I have now. I didn’t have the inner reserve I have now. It no longer matters to me where I live. I don’t think I would have developed in this way if I stayed in NY. No way of being sure of that but I suspect it’s true.

Loss didn’t stop happening after I left NY. There’s been plenty more of it since then. The most devastating I think was the break up of my 12 year relationship 3 years after we left NY. I know now, more than ever before in my life, that loss is a daily occurrence. No way to stop it. Loss is my experience of change. And change is ever present in life and always has been.

So this change I will take in stride also. It will hurt. It will need a period of adjustment. But like the other changes I have lived through it will find its place in my life. For Christi and Sue their move will open opportunities for new things in their lives. New jobs, people, surroundings, experiences. The vacuum their leaving creates in my life will also be filled with new things. I don’t know what they will be exactly but I sense that they will be good things that will continue to enrich my life, inner and outer.

I am ready for this now. I can do this without shutting C & S out and backing off. I can do this and not adjust to their being gone before they actually leave. I can love them and enjoy them now and in the way our relationship develops in the future. I am happy for their upcoming adventure. I know it is a great career move for Christi. It sounds like a perfect fit for her talents and intelligence and I know she will excel in it.

I’m so glad I had this talk.

Change

"This is the fundamental teachings of all buddhas: the consistency of actions and their results."
Karma Chakme's Mountain Dharma, Vol. 1, as taught by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche

It's Just Another Day

It's only the 5th day of January and already it's turning into a wondrous 2007!

Found out today that our good friends C & S, a/k/a, J & Q will be moving to Baltimore where C has been offered a very good promotion. I'm happy for her because this new appointment opens doors to career opportunities for her that do not exist in Jacksonville. I'm happy for S because she dislikes Jax so much and has wanted to get out for quite awhile. Beyond that, in terms of my self and F, I am sad about them leaving the city. While they will remain close friends always the frequency with which we'll see them (currently at least 1 or 2x per week) will change to several longer visits a year.

Change, change is ever present and I need to take this one in stride as well.

I finished the grant request I was working on at work 5 days early so I am pleased about that. My work week was a mixture of being brain dead and achieving little to doing enormous amounts of work in a very short time. Next week is a 5 day work week and then a 3 day weekend that I will spend in Atlanta with Clio. I'm really looking forward to that.

Taylor went back to SC this week and while I am enjoying privacy again and a return to my routine, he is on my mind a lot. He's such a wonderful kid, but like most kids can do some of the most mindless dumb stuff. You cannot infuse maturity or wisdom the way you can nutritious food. At some point you have to step away from the child learning to ride a 2 wheeler with no training wheels and hope they don't damage themselves when they fall.

Suddenly I am extremely tired and want to sleep for 4000 years.

Nowhere Man

He's a real nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?
Nowhere Man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command.

He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere Man can you see me at all?
Nowhere Man, don't worry,
Take your time, don't hurry,
Leave it all till somebody else
lends you a hand.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command.

He's a real Nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.

Lennon/McCartney, Northern Songs, Ltd.

1, 2, Buckle My Shoe

First day back to work in the new year. Wish I can say I came back with a blast, but I haven't. I'm tired. Sleepy tired, though I slept like a rock!

I have not made any "formal" resolutions this year, but I can't seem to stop thinking in terms of resolutions. I keep thinking that now I am going to start this, or now I am going to study and practice dharma more diligently, or now I am going to eat better. Then I catch myself and say to myself that it shouldn't be about now, just because its a new year. A new year signifies a new beginning, but every second is a new beginning. Anything short of that is just giving myself permission to not do what is there for me to do.