December 31, 2006

This Calendar Year...

...comes to an end today.

It's strange that we measure time so minutely. Scientists have it measured to the nanosecond. It categorizes each instant as if it were a separate entity unto itself, instead of the continuum it is.

Yesterday at Sangha, during our book discussion, a 20+ year practitioner pointed out that enlightenment is a continual process of learning and realization. You don't practice, practice, practice and then one day enlightment strikes. It is ongoing. Awakeness is an on-going practice. Pema Chodron also alluded to this in her interview with Bill Moyers on his Faith and Reason special. We watched it again last night and it was so good, again.

Yet, we westerners are programmed to hope that this year ends today and perhaps the new one, which starts tomorrow, will be better or different. As if each year were a chapter of our life. As if what is going on in our lives, who we are, will be different tomorrow because the calendar has changed. We attribute the hardships or good fortune we've experienced in the past year to luck, rather than our karma or our decisions to behave in certain ways. There is always the effects of other people's karma that we witness and can cause us pain or not. And so we hope that those we love will be safe, healthy and prosperous too.

I am not a nihilist, nor do I believe in fate. I do believe in karma, as a constant, and I do believe you can consciously create karma, whether negative or positive and that can effect your future life and lives. Painful experiences will still occur to me and to those I love, and to the world at large. And that is just life. I can willfully end this life, but I cannot willfully end life, as I believe I will come back again and again until not only I get it right, but I have vowed to come back again and again and again until all beings take the opportunity to get it right.

So "the calendar's changing, the pages fell off, but the singer remains the same." Lyrics by Harry Nilson, fromMr. Richland's Favorite Song

December 29, 2006

2006

I woke up to the news that Saddam Hussein's hanging is imminent. This brings me sadness. Any kind of murder makes me sad. There is no justification for it. I heard an Iraqi official say yesterday that the hanging will not be televised or held publicly because they do not want to appear barbaric and they feel he should be given the respect of privacy. If they don't want to appear barbaric they should not hang him or kill him in any other manner. If he is due the respect of a private murder then he is due the respect of valuing life.

I'd like to say that I'm glad to see this year go. But it has already gone, up to and including the time it took me to type this sentence. Emotionally I am feeling the effects of the cumulative events of this past 10 - 11 months. I am feeling the effects of being off schedule for the past several weeks, longer maybe, since vacaton in early November. I am feeling the effects of living in a disordered home right now. I am feeling the effects of not having enough privacy right now. Those are the difficult feelings.

The easy feelings are that I am feeling very close to my sangha. Close and protective of it. I am feeling the urge to paint and as soon as I decide what medium to use I will begin to paint a small series of paintings. I am reading the dharma and enjoying it and learning. I am chanting and practicing more. I have close friends who I can tell I am blue. I have a boss whom I can tell I am blue and she makes a suggestion that I take one of those weekend retreats for myself. She reminds me how renewed I come back from one of those. I have friends who care and ask if they can do anything to help. Always there, needed or not. Always getting me to laugh and be outside myself. These are all the easy things right now.

The only thing I know will happen in the future is that each day will be a different date. I have no new year resolutions. I have no intention of making any. I aspire everyday to be better than I am now. Sometimes I succeed. Frequently I do not. I keep trying anyway.

December 21, 2006

'Tis the Season...

Today is my Friday. I will be off work from tomorrow through Tuesday, returning next Wednesday for a 3 day work week and then a 3 day weekend for the New Year. Taylor is staying with us til he goes back to school so some of what I hoped to do during this long weekend will probably not get accomplished, but then other things can be accomplished. Taylor is always willing to do anything his grandmother asks so I'm sure some of the chores in the garage will get done, which is a very good thing.

We have some fun stuff planned for the holidays, not the least of which is downtime. Tomorrow I will bake cookies and maybe work in my studio for a while. I need to do some organizing and cleaning in there -- so it is ready for me to work in. I feel a large painting coming on. I have a 60" x 40" canvas waiting to be painted and I think I will start it sometime over this holiday period. I haven't decided yet whether to do it in oil or acrylic. I'm attracted to both for this particular painting.

Saturday morning I will pick up the ham for Sunday evening and bring it to Shannon's, then go to Sangha. I think Michael and I will be the only Board members in town this weekend. Sunday night we will spend xmas eve at Shannon's with our special group of people. Sunday and Monday we have NO plans, and intend to keep it that way. Perhaps a movie, studio time and relaxation with friends is in order. The weekend of New Year's eve has us with a dinner date with our sangha friends and a viewing of the Bill Moyers interview with Pema Chodron. No plans for the eve, just us - our favorite way to shed a past year and welcome in a new one.

New Years morning will find us at our KTC center celebrating First Light with our sangha. It's a lovely practice and we follow it with a pot luck brunch at the center.

All in all, the next 11 days has space for a balanced mix of quiet time, family, friends, socializing, practice, creative time and work. I'm ready for it. I'm feeling better than I was earlier in the week. Perhaps is it just the effects of that brownie I ate 20 minutes ago...

December 19, 2006

Toosday

A rehash of yesterday as I post a rehash of a drawing I posted last week. Same shit different day is all I'm saying.

Spent several hours today with a young man that had been thrown out of his parents home for insisting on doing it his own way. It brought back many memories of what I went through at 17, same reasons, different way of dealing with it. I remember it felt awful and I think this youngster feels that way too, though I doubt he would admit it. I didn't either back then. It's scary enough being "out there" without admitting the fear, despair and confusion.

As I wrote the word confusion I remembered a quote by Robert Motherwell: "Confusion is the absence of real feeling." Hmmmm

I will take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha today.

Here is a photo taken in India on Dec 17, 2006 of H.H. The XIVth Dalai Lama and H.H. The XVIIth Karmapa.

December 18, 2006

Monday


I am feeling down and blah today. It is disguising itself as fatigue, but I'm not really tired. It was a difficult weekend. Not restful. Parts were enjoyable. Certainly a highligh was watching Julian dance the role of the Prince in the Nutcracker at the Florida Theater. He was wonderful and his improvement from production to production is amazing to watch. He is clearly gifted in dance, ballet in particular. It was good to see Taylor, though I worry about him.

I attended Chenrezig practice with the sangha on Saturday. It was good to be there and to practice together. I am understanding more and more the "refuge" of the sangha. I seek it more earnestly.

Unfortunately, home didn't feel restful or pleasurable. Too much strife. Some times it is unavoidable. It's a difficult time of the year to be in mourning, everything is amplified by the "good cheer" of others. This too shall pass.

I'm at work and I don't feel at all industrious. I am brain dead and want to read or quietly browse the web, though I'm not sure what I would look at. I feel xmas as pressure this year, rather than joy. And then this too will pass.

December 16, 2006

A watercolor on board. I like using watercolor as opaque as I can get it.

December 15, 2006

Taking Ourselves Seriously


If we are feeling very nervous all the time, the first step toward doing something to remedy the situation is to take ourselves and the quality of our life seriously. Suppose we are walking down the street and we step on a bug and partially crush but have not actually killed it. If we continue walking and ignore the bug's experience of its leg being crushed or severed, we do so because we do not take the insect and its life seriously. We have no respect for it. If we treat ourselves no better than we do a bug and ignore our innermost pains and anguish, that is most unfortunate. Taking ourselves seriously means actually looking at how we are experiencing our life and, if there is something unsatisfactory about it, admitting it to ourselves. Our tension and stress do not go away by denying them or avoiding taking an honest look. And admitting that something is amiss is not the same as complaining about it and feeling sorry for ourselves. Nor does it imply that something is fundamentally wrong with us and we are guilty of being a bad person because we are nervous. Being objective, not melodramatic, and remaining non-judgmental are essential for any healing, spiritual process.


--from The Gelug/Kagyu Tradition of Mahamudra by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and Alexander Berzin, published by Snow Lion Publications


December 14, 2006

Notes to Myself (Who's That?)

I have often written about my need for solitude (I think I've written about it). What I don't know is what it's like to live with me, or with someone who wants to be alone. I obviously don't want to be alone, or I wouldn't be in a relationship. I've been in relationships for most of my adult life. Two long relationships, one 12 years long, and my current one 9 1/2 years and counting.

So I have to ask myself why would I go into a relationship if I wanted to be alone? Well, wanting solitude is not synonymous with wanting to be alone. Well, yeah, actually it is. Hence, one of the major contradictions (of which there are many) of my life. So, again, the question of why?

Well, maybe I am mislabeling, or misdescribing my need. I can't say I want someone who doesn't talk at all, I would have chosen someone deaf who only knows sign language or I would have chosen partners who are quiet and non-communicative. Instead, I have chosen the opposite. My 2 long term relationships have been with people with very similar personalities. Both bright, educated, articulate, very talkative ADDers who verbalize every thought that comes into their mind. Is it that I feel more alive or become more introverted as a result, that I like and need? Am I more self reflective because I need to retreat into myself to get quiet time? Do opposites really attract and that is my opposite? Would I fold up into a ball if left to my solitude? I can't say.

I know in the past I didn't but then I have to look at the fact that the periods in my life when I did live alone I spent much of my time seeking social contacts and being on the hunt. I can always humor myself with "I was so much younger than," or that was my "pre-Buddhist" days (not sure how that would make a difference). But I still have a tendency to "fill my time," when I get time alone. I make lunch and dinner dates, social committments in advance of a period of pending aloneness. I am not afraid of being alone as I once was. I'm not sure where the impulse comes from.

It's a stange thing. Seeking aloneness when not alone; seeking company when alone. I have no answers. This has been on my mind for a while. Just questioning my patterns of behavior. Trying to find the source of my impulses. I'm trying to align who I think I am with how I live my life. I'm not sure how I live will be the part that changes, or needs changing. Perhaps it is just what I think that needs to change. Or how I think it should be that needs to change.

Wondering

Is there a truth more honest than...I have to pee right now?

When I think...I wish I knew what I wanted...Who am I talking to?

Dear Diary, how come you never write back?



2 Quotes I Like

Just as the word chariot is merely a means of expressing how axle, body, wheel, and poles are brought together in a certain relationship, but when we look at each of them one by one there is no chariot in an absolute sense; and just as the word house is a way of expressing how wood and other materials stand in relationship to each other in a certain space, but in the absolute sense there is no house; and just as the word fist is an expression for the finger and thumb in relationship, and tree for trunk, branches, leaves, and so on, but in an absolute sense there is no fist or tree--in exactly the same way the words living entity and person are but ways of expressing the relationship of body, feeling, and consciousness, but when we come to examine the elements of being, one by one, we find there is no entity there. In the absolute sense there is only name and form and the mystery which they express. Such ideas as "I" and "I am" are not absolute.

~ Visuddhi Magga, From "The Pocket Buddha Reader," edited by Anne Bancroft

Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.

~ Ernest Hemingway

December 13, 2006

What's In a Name


"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;"
~~Wm. Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

"Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose"
~~Gertrude Stein, "Sacred Emily"

A friend asked me today to name my feeling of yesterday. I told her it was named "Come Together" as the sheet music implied. I don't know how else to express the feeling except to show that graphic. Today I posted another graphic that depicts more than words can express, my feelings. There are times when I can be very verbal and select the appropriate words to express an experience I am having. Sometimes when that experience is completely internal, such as in deep feelings, I can't find the words to even begin to express to someone else what it is I am experiencing. I also lack the motivation to work very hard at it.

Some things just are. Some breaths I take are better, fuller breaths than others that I take. Some thoughts are fleeting and some linger for days or years. Some feelings lie low and are ever present like a drone that underscores the many passing feelings in my day. Some feelings are deep emotions that ground me to experience them as separate entities. They are not situational. They are not provoked. They are born and get my attention. They are inexpressable. They stop me in my tracks and make me think. They are just there. They are part of me, in me, and there is no way to share them but to express them visually.

So that is what I do, whether it be here, in my studio, or in my journal.

December 12, 2006

Instrumental


Sometimes I experience deep feelings but have nothing to say. So this piece of sheet music is here to express that I have a feeling but nothing to say.

December 10, 2006

JAGS vs. COLTS


Today is the rematch game between the Jaguars and the Colts. Their first meeting this year ended in a Colt victory (Sept 24, 2006 21-14). IF (caps deliberate) the Colts were coming into AllTel Stadium with a perfect record I would be very soft about them beating the JAGS again. The Colts are a great team and quite capable of a perfect season. HOWEVER (caps intended), they have lost 2 games and I want the JAGS to win BADLY!!! Watching the game is how I will spend my time during 1 - 4 p.m., today, Sunday, December 10, 2006.

This date is also the 57th anniversary of my parents marriage. I do not acknowledge their anniversary as it has not been a happy marriage. Of course, that is a judgement on my part. Though they split twice during their marriage they reconciled and continue on into old age living in a way that I find torturous. Perhaps they are happy being miserable. Perhaps nisery is what it takes for them to feel alive. Perhaps disappointment, angst and constant friction is what they expect and thusly can only feel successful if they realize those expectations. In all good conscience I cannot applaud a milestone that I prayed would never be achieved. When I was a child divorce was what we prayed for, and though attempted, never achieved.

How I spent Saturday, December 9, 2006: F and I went to Sangha for regular Chenrezig/Amitabha practice. I also had some bookeeping to do and a deposit to prepare. THe practice was nice. I'm always so glad when I have gone. I enjoy being in the presence of the sangha. I feel open and relaxed in their presence.

Yesterday a former congregant from F's old church was there. This is someone I have not had great feelings about and who was one of the anti-F people when the church split went down. My experience of him is as a voyeur who then critiques and judges what he sees. I have experienced this with him in other venues other than church. Needless to say, his presence provoked a feeling of being invaded. After practice F and I asked if L & S would like to join us for lunch. They did and we went off to an Avondale restaurant. Others from the sangha joined us which was fine. This person also joined us and I was aware of feeling guarded, closed up and resentful of his presence. I admit I have not been warm and opening to him. I feel protective of MY experience within the sangha. I feel protective of F and his critiques of her. SHe has already been hurt by this man and needs no more of this at this time.

The Dalai Lama would say that this is an opportunity to practice humility, forgiveness and compassion. I know he would be right. I'm not happy having these feelings emerge. This man can't hurt me, or F. He cannot invade my sangha or my experience of my sangha, unless I allow him to change my experiences of that which I hold precious. I really need to mneditate on this and do some tonglen practice about this. This morning josh and the Q came over and I talked with them about it. That was good for me to do. I needed to put it out there, not hold it in. I want to let it go out and blow away. It's a windy enough day for that to happen.

We received very good news at sangha yesterday. The Venerable Bardor Tulku Rinpoche (my teacher) will be coming to Jax instead of Tampa in February. I'm very excited about that.

Time to watch the game!

December 8, 2006

FryDay - Immaculately

...and another one's gone and another one's gone....another one bites the dust! Another work week almost over. I've put in for Friday 12/22 off so I will have a 5 day weekend xmas weekend.

I'm at work and the other day I put out the few xmas holiday decorations I have. Throughout the year I keep them in a bag in my file cabinet. I bring them out and put them around my workspace, this year a cubicle, for 3 weeks then I pack them away again. I'm the only Buddhist at this agency, which is 90+% Christian, and I am only one of two who have decorated as of yet. I'm grateful to not decorate at home this year. F put out a fiber-optic xmas plant. That's all she'll do this year as well. She is in mourning and doesn't feel like xmas at all. Neither do I, but not for mourning. I just feel so detached from the religious aspect of xmas at this point. It's about as relevent to my life as celebrating Moses' or Mohammed's birthday.

Something else of complete irrelevance is today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. In 1439 the Council of Basel stated that the belief was in accordance with Catholic faith, and in 1709 Pope Clement XI made the feast of the Immaculate Conception a holy day of obligation (fasting and Mass). In 1854 Pope Pius IX issued a papal statement making the Immaculate Conception official church dogma. The Immaculate Conception relates to Mary, mother of Jesus, having been born without original sin. So not only was Jesus born without human intercourse, but Mary, though conceived in the usual sexual way was given a pass from original sin, and all sin throughout her life, by God himself. Ergo, an immaculate conception. That makes her worthy to have been the mother of God. And we westerners think its weird that Muslim jihadist suicide bombers can believe they will be rewarded with 37 virgins in heaven. Heaven obviously has the corner on virgins!

Not much else going on today. Looking forward to a quiet evening at home. It is EXTREMELY cold for us southerners. Last night was in the 30's, and tonight it is forcasted to go below 30o. I will make a nice fire tonight and we will eat leftovers. And we will LIKE it!

It's been a pretty good week. The Buddha Relics Tour came to town. The special puja Monday night. Seeing Julian, if even for a brief time on Monday. The quiet, but busy, work week. The quiet and oh-so-pleasant home life. The visit Wednesday evening by Lori's new puppy, Hannah, and the time she spent playing with Yeshe. Wishing my father happy birthday on his 76th! The ease with which I was able to replace my and F's windshield wiper blades. The house cleaning that got done this week. It's the small things in life that make it pleasant to be alive.

I'll give George Carlin the last word today:

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

December 5, 2006

Toosday

We had a wonderful Chenrezig puja at our KTC center last night. The two female custodians of the relics brought them to the center last night. They were encased and placed before our shrine. Almost 30 people attended this special puja and it was very exhilerating. Here are some photos:


Three members of the KTC JAX Board of Directors with the two organizers and attendents at the special Chenrezig puja. The relics are contained within the yellow silk casing to the right of the people.



The encased relics on the small table before Bardor Tulku Rinpoche's seat. In front of the casing are offerings. Michael Turnquist, Founder and Director of KTC Jacksonville sits to the right of the relics.

The goal of the Relics Tour is to bestow blessings on those who view the relics, to inspire practitioners, and to raise funds to build a shrine in India that will permanently house the relics. I know funds were raised. I have confidence that blessings were received by those who viewed the relics and worked for their safe arrival and departure. I can say that I was greatly inspired by being in the presence of the relics. It is almost an indescribable feeling to be in the same room with relics from the historical Gautama Buddha and the 1st Karmapa, Dusum Khyenpa. To view the writing of Yeshe Tsogyal in two fragments from letters she wrote to Padmasambhava sent shivers up my spine. It was a very physical response. I have a sense that the full impact of this experience is not yet perceivable by me or others.

Also on view was the relics of Lama Tsongkhapa, a 14th century teacher from the Amdo Province in Eastern Tibet. He taught:

"If you knew how hard it is to acquire,
Living the average life would be impossible.

If you saw its great benefits,
You would be sorry if it stayed meaningless.

If you thought about death,
You would make preparations for your future lives.

If you thought about cause and effect,
You would stop being reckless."

December 4, 2006

Relic Photos

I went to the Relics exhibit again on Saturday. It's so impressive to be in that environment. We took Shannon with us and she was quite moved. Christi's grandmother became quite emotional while viewing the relics. While we were there F did her Medicine Buddha sadhana, her primary practice.

This photo is the Relic display table with the statue of Maitreya in the center. That is F, Shannon and Christie on the right viewing the relics.

This is a picture of the Milarepa
and Marpa relic display. It is truly moving to be in the presence of such things.

There seems to have been a very good response to the tour in Jacksonville. The FL Times-Union published an article in the Sunday newspaper along with two color photos of the relics.


This is a photo of F and her daughter, Shannon, in the Shrine Room of the Cambodian Buddhist Center. Sunday evening Shannon brought her son, Julian, to the exhibit. Julian is a ballet dancer, and is dancing the lead this season in the FL Ballet Company's performance of The Nutcracker. He, too, made it into yesterday's Times Union. Way to go, Jules!

And if all that wasn't enough, the Jaguars beat the Miami Dolphins yesterday 24-10.

December 2, 2006

Heart Shrine Relics Tour

Last night we went to the opening ceremony of the Heart Shrine Relics Tour visit to Jacksonville. What an incredible gift to have here in our city!

The shrine has been set up at the Cambodian Buddhist Center of Jacksonville. The building is beautiful. There were 5 Cambodian monks in attendance and they did an opening ceremony in Cambodian. Our KTC chanted the Tashi prayer in Tibetan and then the women who bring the shrine to cities all over the world did an opening ceremony in English. It was very moving - all of it. There were well over 100 people in attendance, many of whom were Asian.

The shrine itself is beautifully set up. Everything is done with the highest respect and homage to the relics. There are relics from the historical Buddha, Shakyamuni. Twenty-five hundred years old, preserved and revered all that time. The majority of the relics are from Tibetan Buddhist lineage Masters of the past including Marpa and Milarepa, Yeshe Tsogyal, the First Karmapa, and many others. The relics that moved me the most were from H.H. Karmapa XVI. I'm not sure why, except that he was the first Karmapa to come to America, and without his efforts here, I would not have become Buddhist, nor would I have met my teacher, Bardor Tulku Rinpoche.

We are going to see the shrine again today and we will probably go at least one other time while it is here. This is a once in a lifetime event as the relics will be enshrined in India at some point.

I'm enjoying my Saturday morning. I slept until 7:15, when F's clock radio went off. She has the radio tuned to a CW station and the radio came on blasting a song about Osama bin Laden, or all things. I don't get CW music at all.

December 1, 2006

fry-day

I am often fried by the time Friday comes. I'm not particularly fried today. But I'm still glad it's Friday.

I slept late again. After 7 a.m. This is troubling me because I generally don't require as much sleep as I am getting lately. For the longest time I got up between 5 and 6 every morning regardless of what day it was. I'm glad I still don't need to set an alarm clock but I miss having more time to myself in the morning.

This weekend we have loose plans. F is working tomorrow so I will have quiet time in the morning. Then we will go to the Buddha exhibit. Not sure what time, but sometime tomorrow. Nothing planned for Sunday -- and not sure if I will be doing a shift at the Buddhist Relics that day. I'm looking forward to the exhibit, and of seeing the Cambodian Buddhist Center. I was a little disappointed that there was nothing about it in today's Times Union paper. There was something in this week's Folio, and that's good.

I am still feeling a sense of sluggishness. I can't tell if it's emotional or physical or a combo of both. All I know is that I don't feel any adrenalin flowing through my body. Funny how an absence of adrenalin is something I notice. Most people notice when they have a spurt of adrenalin. That's the difference between people who grow up in crisis as a way of life and those who grow up with ocassional crisis to deal with.

I was thinking about my therapist last night. This is the most different therapeutic relationship I've ever had. There is no transference. Just me and her, 2 women roughly the same age, both obese, me white, she black, both professionals. I talk freely to her. No hesitation. She knows I'm not in crises and I think sometimes she's not sure why I come there. Right now I want to go. She is a good sounding board. She is not critical and I can talk to her and she will be supportive, not critical. If I express criticism of myself she helps me explore it. I've really needed someone in my life like her for a long time. I find the therapy helpful and also enjoyable. I can't say that I've ever "enjoyed" therapy before. I have always found it helpful to some degree or another but never enjoyable. But I do now and that's a good thing! Indeed.

some quotes I came across today....

"Rather than thinking up ways to escape from suffering, the approach in Buddhism is much more to understand suffering and what it means to be discontent.." – Jamgon Kongtrul Rinpoche from The Buddha Nature


"The moment one says one is happy one no longer is." (2-12-1939)
"It is better to be bored on one's own than with others." (9-4-1940)
"He who sings is not always happy." (1-17-1944)
~~~~Pierre Bonnard



A Post from the weblog of Ramesh Gandhi:

Former Pakistani cricket captain and current politician Imran Khan was being interviewed on NDTV. He was asked, "Do you think President Bush is a terrorist?" He replied, "President Bush is not smart enough to be a terrorist."