JAGS vs. COLTS

Today is the rematch game between the Jaguars and the Colts. Their first meeting this year ended in a Colt victory (Sept 24, 2006 21-14). IF (caps deliberate) the Colts were coming into AllTel Stadium with a perfect record I would be very soft about them beating the JAGS again. The Colts are a great team and quite capable of a perfect season. HOWEVER (caps intended), they have lost 2 games and I want the JAGS to win BADLY!!! Watching the game is how I will spend my time during 1 - 4 p.m., today, Sunday, December 10, 2006.

This date is also the 57th anniversary of my parents marriage. I do not acknowledge their anniversary as it has not been a happy marriage. Of course, that is a judgement on my part. Though they split twice during their marriage they reconciled and continue on into old age living in a way that I find torturous. Perhaps they are happy being miserable. Perhaps nisery is what it takes for them to feel alive. Perhaps disappointment, angst and constant friction is what they expect and thusly can only feel successful if they realize those expectations. In all good conscience I cannot applaud a milestone that I prayed would never be achieved. When I was a child divorce was what we prayed for, and though attempted, never achieved.

How I spent Saturday, December 9, 2006: F and I went to Sangha for regular Chenrezig/Amitabha practice. I also had some bookeeping to do and a deposit to prepare. THe practice was nice. I'm always so glad when I have gone. I enjoy being in the presence of the sangha. I feel open and relaxed in their presence.

Yesterday a former congregant from F's old church was there. This is someone I have not had great feelings about and who was one of the anti-F people when the church split went down. My experience of him is as a voyeur who then critiques and judges what he sees. I have experienced this with him in other venues other than church. Needless to say, his presence provoked a feeling of being invaded. After practice F and I asked if L & S would like to join us for lunch. They did and we went off to an Avondale restaurant. Others from the sangha joined us which was fine. This person also joined us and I was aware of feeling guarded, closed up and resentful of his presence. I admit I have not been warm and opening to him. I feel protective of MY experience within the sangha. I feel protective of F and his critiques of her. SHe has already been hurt by this man and needs no more of this at this time.

The Dalai Lama would say that this is an opportunity to practice humility, forgiveness and compassion. I know he would be right. I'm not happy having these feelings emerge. This man can't hurt me, or F. He cannot invade my sangha or my experience of my sangha, unless I allow him to change my experiences of that which I hold precious. I really need to mneditate on this and do some tonglen practice about this. This morning josh and the Q came over and I talked with them about it. That was good for me to do. I needed to put it out there, not hold it in. I want to let it go out and blow away. It's a windy enough day for that to happen.

We received very good news at sangha yesterday. The Venerable Bardor Tulku Rinpoche (my teacher) will be coming to Jax instead of Tampa in February. I'm very excited about that.

Time to watch the game!