Holiday Week

Thanksgiving week. Am I grateful? You betcha!

But I'm scared too. I know just enough about economics to understand what dire straits the world and the USA are in right now. I know just enough to know that this isn't going to change overnight, regardless of who the President is. I know just enough to know that this will not turn around on January 20th, but will take 3 - 7 years before there is real relief. And sadly, I know just enough to know that I am on the wrong side of the equation to not be in trouble along with millions of other Americans. That said, I'm still grateful, for many things.

I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by. Late November already. It will soon be 2009. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Except Sunday's. On Sunday's I try not to take any steps. I sometimes succeed.

The weather here in Jax has been chilly by northern standards, very cold by Florida standards. It's nice during the day, freezing in the house at night. We are trying to keep the electric bill down, so we've been layering in the house and using blankets in the den to keep warm. Two days ago I dragged out a big blanket that a little cub keeps here and me and the dogs have been taking shelter of it.

Wednesday afternoon F and I will make our way to south Florida to spend the holidays with my family. I'm looking forward to it, but also looking forward to it being over. The rest of the holidays will be stress free. We have no $$, and we won't be doing gifts this year. We are in the majority on this one, I think. I feel no stress to spend. I feel no stress about not being able to give to friends and family. Something changes as you age. So many things fall away. And it's so ok when they do.

I will end with this last thought that I read in an email this week, "We have no time for impatience."

His Holiness the Dalai Lama Congratulates
US President-elect Barack Obama

Barack Obama last met His Holiness the Dalai Lama in 2005 at a Senate Foreign Relations Committee event (Photo: barackobama.com)

November 5, 2008

H. E. Barack Obama
President-elect of the United States of America
Washington, DC U.S.A.

Dear President-elect Obama,

Congratulations on your election as the President of the United States of America.

I am encouraged that the American people have chosen a President who reflects America's diversity and her fundamental ideal that any person can rise up to the highest office in the land. This is a proud moment for America and one that will be celebrated by many peoples around the world.

The American Presidential elections are always a great source of encouragement to people throughout the world who believe in democracy, freedom and equality of opportunities.

May I also commend the determination and moral courage that you have demonstrated throughout the long campaign, as well as the kind heart and steady hand that you often showed when challenged. I recall our own telephone conversation this spring and these same essential qualities came through in your concern for the situation in Tibet.

As the President of the United States, you will certainly have great and difficult tasks before you, but also many opportunities to create change in the lives of those millions who continue to struggle for basic human needs. You must also remember and work for these people, wherever they may be.

With my prayers and good wishes,

Yours sincerely,

THE DALAI LAMA

The First Baseman

I use to be a writer. Years ago, when I was in the fourth grade, I wrote my first short story. It was my first attempt at creative writing and it was a class assignment. I called the story "The First Baseman," and yes, it was about my one true love at the time, baseball. I don't remember much about the story and I have no copy of it. But I do remember how lost I was in the process of writing the story and what a satisfying experience it was. I also remember that on the basis of that story, I was put into a high level English class. In the fourth grade we sat in the same seat, with the same teacher and classmates, day in and day out for the whole school year. Post story, I was leaving 3 days a week to sit it on an advanced English class. I had never been singled out in such a way up to that point in my life.

During my high school years I continued to spend time writing short stories and very bad poetry for my own pleasure. By that time I was in an all-girls Catholic school in the Bronx, and we were all knee deep in the 60's experience. I still have the notebook that I kept much of that personal writing in. The few times I 've picked it up to read what I had written 40 years ago (how the hell did that happen?) I cringed and put it down quickly.

During those years I wrote freely and without self-consciousness. As a matter of fact, it was one of the very few things I was NOT self-conscious about. Adolescence was a painful, torturous time for me, and I retreated to my writing as the only haven available. I didn't want to "be" a writer back then. I was a writer. Defining a writer as someone who writes, without regard to the quality or commercial value of it, I was very much a writer and worked at it almost daily.

As I got older I relied less and less on writing as an emotional and psychic outlet and engaged instead in rehab, verbal communication with others and, to put it bluntly, acting out. I lost my inner voice for writing. Every once in a while I'd get a desire to write again, but while I think about writing I can't think of what to write.

Could it be that after having lived for more than half a century that I have less to say than I did when I was 10 or 16 years old? Or is it that I have nothing to say at all regardless of how long I have lived? Perhaps I am just really self-conscious about it now. Maybe I've let go of all the modesty and uptightness I had in my youth in all areas and moved it to the expression of my inner voice. I wrote a series of essays on gay history in the late eighties that was published in some local gay and lesbian newspapers in NYC, but beyond that I have only written in my journal and this blog, and I consider neither real writing. This, to me, is journaling. Journaling has its value, but it is a behind the scenes precursor to writing, making art, or just finding balance in my life. It is not a final product.

I'm stuck. I want to write again, and I don't. I don't even know where to begin. Rather than sit with this, as I usually do, I am writing it and putting it out there. Not to get feedback or advice. Just to get it out of me. So, if all I write about is not writing, well, at least I've written something.

a Nano world

My friend josh came to Jax and visited this past weekend. We had a lot of fun hanging out. We went to the Ballet, ate Indian food at the very good "Cilantro" restaurant, dined at our favorite Italian restaurant, Vito's, gabbed a lot, and in general enjoyed our time together. It was my birthday weekend and josh was a generous friend. She gave me several gifts which I enjoyed very much (a restaurant card, a book store card, dinner out for F and I, and a wonderful Obama t-shirt! Lovely. My parents were generous, giving me cash, as did Lori.

I got a Nano iPod and I love it. I have not really been so much into music lately. Partly because I haven't really had a means of listening to it. I listen to music when I am in my studio. I'm not usually in my car long enough to do more than catch a bit of NPR. I listen to NPR when I can at work. Since I've had the iPod I have listened to music everyday. I've learned to download free mp3 files on line, I opened an itunes acct and have actually bought music downloads! I don't feel like such an old fart now.

Coincidently, while at the Ballet, it was the Florida Ballet Company's 30th Anniversary Show, both josh and I (as well as F and probably many others there) were introduced to the music of Rufus Wainwright. Curtis Williams, a gifted dancer/choreographer, choreographed a piece for 4 dancers with 4 tunes written and performed by Rufus on his "Release the Stars" album. The first song, "Going to a Town" really grabbed me. It's hard to explain, but while watching the dance I was really listening to the song. The music wasn't secondary. I was hearing the lyrics. I was both enjoying it, paying attention to it, wondering who it was, hoping to hear more, all while watching this interesting dance.

The four of us, Lori, F, josh, and I, all talked about it on the way home. The following day, josh decided she needed to buy some Rufus albums. She got four of them, all of which wound up on my iPod in very short order. I can honestly say that I haven't been as struck by a singer/songwriter in a long time. I'm really enjoying listening to his music. Here's a sample of "Going to a Town" by Rufus Wainwright. Enjoy!

The Morning After

I was jittery all day yesterday about the election. I was afraid to be too hopeful. Over the last 3 days F had been asking over and over again, who do you think will win. All I could say was that I hoped Obama would win. I hoped the polls were true. I hoped it wasn't going to be a cruel joke at the end of all this. I hoped we weren't going to have more of the same. I stopped short of stating that I thought Obama would win. Not because I didn't want to be wrong, or jinx Obama, but because I couldn't trust that the media was telling the truth and not just making a story. I couldn't trust that white folks of my age and older would see beyond race and vote for the man with the better plan for America's future. I couldn't trust that the election wouldn't be stolen by the same demons that stole the last two elections.

I came home from work and prepared dinner, did my night time chores, and settled F in after work. We began watching CNN just as the first of the polls were closing. The early returns were frightening. Obama was not getting the first good returns. As the evening wore on, and quite rapidly as each time of poll closings occurred, Obama's momentum built stronger and stronger. I don't remember what time he was actually projected to be the winner by CNN, but it was before my usual bedtime. And still, I didn't trust it.

I went to bed and turned the TV on. I watched as John McCain made his concession speech. He was gracious and generous and open about his willingness to continue his bi-partisan cooperation. That's when I allowed that maybe I could trust the result.

By the time Obama came on to greet the crowd and make his first speech as President-elect, I knew and trusted that he won the election. Obama has a clear mandate across this nation. This is something no one in the White House has had for quite a long time. Bill Clinton didn't have a mandate, as popular as he was, he never got 50% of the popular vote.

More important than Obama's mandate is the excitement he has generated across the generations to do more, to be better citizens. There is no more invisibility for Generations X and Y, the groups of people that followed the boomer generation; the groups that lived in the shadow of the largest generation ever, in the world, not just in America. The groups that have certainly gotten my attention by how they have changed how they believe and, more importantly, how they behave across racial, gender, and sexual orientation lines.

I have said several times in the past, and still believe of my generation, the boomer generation, that never before in the history of the world has a generation aspired to do so much and accomplished so little. So maybe, the only accomplishment of my generation was to raise a generation that can and will accomplish what my generation was only able to dream.

The other day I heard Andrew Young say that Barak Obama did not have the scars he himself had. That really struck me. I really understood that. Barak Obama did not grow up in Jim Crow America. He grew up in a multi-racial family, part of both races, influenced by both races, a product of both races. He has often said that his white grandparents poured everything they had into him. That's a very different experience than having a relationship with white people that is filled only with obstacles and closed doors.

The same is true for the two younger generations in America today. They don't have the scars my generation have. They don't have the experience of hoping, dreaming, and having leaders who can make the dreams reality, one after the other, shot down, murdered, eliminated. They don't have the experience of being afraid to hope -- afraid to believe in leaders -- afraid their adulation will make their heroes a target. I'm so glad they don't have that. I'm so glad for them that they are free to believe, without reservation or cynacism. I need them to keep going, regardless of what happens. I need them to do what we could not. The country needs them to do what we could not.

Last night as I watched and listened to President-elect Barak Obama's speech I sat awed with tears flowing. I heard what he stood for, what he believed we needed, what he aspired to accomplish, and who he hoped would get on board with him. I was struck by the fact that through most of this campaign I missed it. I missed what they all saw in him. I was stuck in Hillary Clinton. I was stuck in something I trusted, rather than something that felt too scary to me. I started to get it a few weeks ago. I did come around. I did vote for Obama, not against McCain. I'm glad to be on board, too. I'm still afraid. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid for his life. I'm afraid for Clio, and her generation, that they will have their dreams shattered in an awful way.

So, while this was an election, a political event, it is also a very personal event. It is a new day. A brighter outlook for this country and for the world. Though he rarely spoke ot it, I see the road Obama is walking as a road toward peace.

3X Caspar

Yes, that's me. I'm being a ghost for Halloween. A simple costume, just an old sheet. But as everyone knows, ghosts are invisible, unless you wear clothing. So I wore jeans and my Tilly hat so people wouldn't walk through me. I was the only ghost.

We had the principal cast of the Wizard of Oz (all upper management, with the CEO as the Wizard). We had a whole school of rainbow fish who smam through the room in a group dropping silver scales as they went by. There were m&m's of all colors, a nun in a traditional habit, hippies, animals, witches, oh my! Some very creative stuff.

A co-workers 3 year old daughter was frightened of me and wouldn't come near. She was a yellow m&m. Very cute. Her mother told her I was Casper but she wasn't buying it. She steered clear of me the whole party. And, yes, I had fun!!!

"The best things in life aren't things." ~Art Buchwald

"The artist brings something into the world that didn't exist before, and he does it without destroying something else. A kind of refutation of the conservation of matter." ~John Updike

H A L L O W E E N

Oy! I hate hoopla! I don't mind observing it. I even enjoy that aspect. It's participating in it that really puts me outside my comfort zone.

I bring it up because at work we have had a weeklong celebration of our United Way campaign. Being Halloween week, everyday was dedicated to a different theme. The first day each dept color coordinated their outfits. Then we had favorite team day - and everyone wore their favorite team colors or shirts. We had western wear day, and yesterday we had some very hysterical "tacky tourist" outfits. I did not dress for any of it. Happily so. But I did enjoy the creativity of my co-workers.

Today we will wrap up our United Way campaign with an afternoon halloween party and costume contest. I am going to bring a big sheet with me to wear as a costume because I don't want to be the only one in the room to not be wearing a costume. Talk about standing out. I'm sure I won't be the only ghost but I'll be the biggest ghost.

Meditation in the Park

Our Sangha held its' second annual Meditation-A-thon in the park this past weekend. Saturday was a damp day, never really drying out. Sunday was a picture perfect day of sun and cool air. Here are some photos from the weekend.

Buddha in the park. Our shrine and meditation area. Lama Khandro and Director Michael Turnquist taught Meditation several times throughout the weekend. We opened each morning chanting Chenrezig and Amitabha sadhanas.

Lama Khandro in the park with our prayers for peace flags. We had Tibetan prayer flags strung on the fences and between trees in the park. Lama Khandro had prepared little paper flags and brought colored pens so people could make their own prayer flags for peace. We then hung them on the fencing around the duck pond.

The ducks and geese in the park added to the ambience of the Meditation-A-Thon. Despite the wet and chilly weather, those of us who participated had a very enjoyable day. People new to meditation stopped by and took class, others had seen the ads for the event and sought us out.

Curious passersby took the time to stop and chat. Sangha members Kim and Cathy gave generously of their time and fed us all well. We had a wonderful banquet of Vietnamese vegetarian delights, a wonderful vegetable curry made by sangha member Richard, and fresh cheeses, fruits, veggies, water, and brownies (!) provided by Cathy.

The ducks in the park added to the call for peace. They spent the day swimming from side to side, where ever the potential for food presented itself. A number of toddlers and pre-schoolers came to the park with parents to feed the ducks. It was a lovely event and was a wonderful opportunity for the sangha to spend time together.

Our Lama in the Florida Times-Union

Last modified 10/26/2008 - 10:36 pm
Originally created 102708

Lama talks about her faith

Woman, 29, is the city's first Tibetan Buddhist lama.

By Jeff Brumley, The Times-Union

photo by Jeff Brumley/ The Times-Union
Lama Tsultrim Khandro is a spiritual leader of Karma Thegsum Choling Jacksonville, a Tibetan Buddhist center in Riverside. Khandro, seen here with her dog, Ohpea, is the city's first Tibetan Buddhist lama. She says one needn't be Buddhist, or even religious, to meditate.

When Tibetan Buddhist Michael Turnquist came to Jacksonville in 1984, there was just one Buddhist center in town. And that closed shortly after his arrival.

A lot has changed since then. Jacksonville is now home to at least a half-dozen Buddhist communities, including Zen and ethnic Vietnamese and Cambodian centers. The Tibetan Buddhist center Turnquist opened in 1986 reached a milestone this year with the arrival of its -and the city's - first resident Buddhist spiritual leader.

Lama Tsultrim Khandro, 29, who also is Turnquist's wife, returned six months ago after training for 31/2 years in a cloistered retreat. She led Karma Thegsum Choling Jacksonville's "Meditation for Peace" event during the weekend at Riverside Park.

The Times-Union spoke with her twice because the tape from the first interview was inaudible. Here's what she had to say the second time around.

(Jeff Brumley) Is it just me, or have we been here before?

(Lama Tsultrim Khandro) Reincarnation, brother. We have been here before.

(JB) What does "lama" mean?

(LTK) It means teacher.

(JB) What does it say about Jacksonville that it now has its first Tibetan Buddhist lama?

(LTK) It speaks to the maturity of the [Tibetan Buddhist] community here. The community has grown to where it needs it. We've had visiting lamas every year ... but it's good to have someone here full time for students.

(JB) So as a lama, you're essentially a pastor?

(LTK) I do all the pastoral stuff, I do all the ritual. I meet with students to talk about the concerns that they have ... I'm very much like a rabbi, but without the circumcision. [Laughs]

(JB) Is it your goal to grow the center?

(LTK) Ours is not a proselytizing faith. We are not looking for converts.

(JB) You were raised Catholic?

(LTK) Yes, I grew up Catholic. ... I was the first altar girl in the Diocese of St. Petersburg. I didn't know what I was doing but I was happy to be doing it.

(JB) What attracted you to Buddhism?

(LTK) It made sense to me. It was my karma to become a Buddhist. ... I looked into other spiritual traditions. None of them spoke to my heart like Buddhism did.

(JB) What do you think about all the references to Buddhism and reincarnation that we see in popular culture these days?

(LTK) It's a good thing. It's a bad thing. ... There are catch phrases I hear daily. I was at a concert and a girl was saying, "It's my karma that I got good tickets," and things like that. ... You can throw out phrases, but what do they mean? It's a good thing that it's out there, but even I have been guilty of purchasing the garden Buddhas in the big box stores.

(JB) Why is that a guilt thing?

(LTK) Well, these are items that we deeply honor and respect. These are images of the Buddha. This is not just a garden decoration. So for me to buy the image of the Buddha is completely different than ... perhaps somebody buying it to make their garden look pretty. It is an item of peace and tranquility, and they recognize that, so they purchase it. I think this is a great thing, but ... we believe in treating them with utmost honor and respect.

(JB) Are those statues and images worshiped?

(LTK) No. ... Most religions have symbols of their faith. You can simply take them as symbols of our faith, reminders of the Buddha who gave us the teachings of the Dharma, and as deeply sacred and touching images of our path.

jeff.brumley@jacksonville.com, (904) 359-4310

Basics

F and I are in the pocess of having the main bathroom in the house redone. It has been without a sink for over 2 years. It has been on my "must do" list since the day it was taken apart. We finally have gotten some cash together to do it.

The handy man we hired (and like) took down the old tile, checked out the pipes (which are fine) is putting in new tile today, and a new medicine cabinet, and lighting. Tomorrow he will put in the vanity, hook up the water, and put the toilet back. Yesterday he changed the pipes under the kitchen sink (they were a moment away from disintegrating) and put in new door sills in the kitchen and our bedroom.

I am so pleased to get this stuff done!

A Foggy Morn

I woke up to a thick fog this morning. By 9 AM when it was still with us I decided to photograph the creek again. The fog lifted about an hour later. The creek is so lovely and peaceful.

It's been a busy week. A busy week at work. So much to do including working all day Saturday at a Conference we are co-sponsoring at JU (my alma mater). The weather has been nice. Getting cooler each day. Still more humidity than I like, but at least the temps have gone below 90o.

I watched the debate last night. I caught all 3 of them. I thought Obama did well. I thought McCain dug a deeper hole for himself. I'm experiencing the same thing with McCain that I experienced with John Kerry. I respected both men so much more from afar.

I read both of McCain's books and was impressed with his life, how he responded to situations he found himself in, and the decisions he made to deal with them. The more I've seen him during this campaign, and the more familiar he becomes to me the less I like him. I think he's nasty. I sense the rage in him, that feels dangerous to me. It does not come off as passion, it comes off as poorly concealed rage.

I was disappointed in who John Kerry was because he had been a hero of mine since he led the Viet Nam Veterans Against the War movement in the 60's and 70's. Then he went into the congress and was a clear liberal. I held in my mind for 30 years that I would one day cast a vote for him for President. What I didn't realize is that he had become an elitist follower in those 30 years. I wound up feeling that he, as was my hero-worship of him, stuck in the past. I voted for him in the 2004 election, but there was no joy in it. I cast a vote against Bush, and would have voted for almost anyone other than Bush.

I've had the opposite experience of Obama. My initial reaction to him was distrust. I felt he was too young, too inexperienced to actualize his rhetoric. I like his ideas and the things he sees as needing change but I like Hillary's solutions better than his, especially regarding health insurance. But he is who we have and so I've been listening to him more closely, watching his reaction to attacks, watching his growth in debates. I'm liking him more and more. Partly it's because I am paying more attention to him. Partly it's because I'm getting over my disappointment and anger about Hillary's loss. I want to like him. I am not oblivious to the meaningfulness of how he has motivated and inspired a whole new generation. In a way it frightens me. I remember when my generation was inspired to action and creative solutions to problems. I also remember when that inspiration died, literally, over and over again, until we were defeated. I hope that in picking up that dropped torch that Ted Kennedy spoke about, Obama can go the distance with it. I want him to succeed. He is our best hope.

Reflection

Little Pottsburg Creek This Morning

"Capitalism: Nothing so mean could be right. Greed is the ugliest of the capital sins."

"There has got to be a God; the world could not have become so fucked up by chance alone."

~Edward Abbey

When Less is More

I've often written about how the world seems to be spinning more rapidly than ever before. I've often talked with my peers and elders about this and we conclude that this experience, or perception, occurs as we age. The pace of domestic current events have compounded this feeling. The economic crisis, with its rapid up and down activity and hope and disappointment have amplified the world wind occurring outside my body.

It occurs closer to home than the world, or country around me. My job often feels like it moves at a pace I can no longer keep up with. My own physical limitations, which seem to grow with every year I chalk up, make me feel vulnerable to a degree I have never felt before. I have begun to lose the energy of my anger. An energy I relied on for decades to keep me powered out of depression.

Along with my physical strength and quick, sure reflexes, has gone my anger, confusion, and contempt for my place in the world. It amazes me how long I lived in that mindset, and how I used it to survive the challenges of my life. I still have challenges, but I deal with them differently. I don't come out fighting as an impulse like I used to. The delay in my reflexes has given me that nanosecond needed to think, and to be aware of my thinking. I am less than I once was, and yet more. I am a happier person and I think an easier person to be around. I am not better, but worse, as a functional being, yet better as a conscious being.

Seven Years

It's get more surreal as the years go by.

Things have gotten so much worse since then. That day we feared the enemy outside. Today we fear the enemy within.

Hillary's Speech

Below is the text of the speech made by Hillary Clinton last evening. The speech was inspiring, energizing, and powerfully delivered. I'm afraid we won't get to see this part of her again. Here it is, as posted from the DNC webpage:

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Tuesday, August 26, 2008 at 08:10 PM

Remarks as Prepared for Delivery

I am honored to be here tonight. A proud mother. A proud Democrat. A proud American. And a proud supporter of Barack Obama.

My friends, it is time to take back the country we love.

Whether you voted for me, or voted for Barack, the time is now to unite as a single party with a single purpose. We are on the same team, and none of us can sit on the sidelines.

This is a fight for the future. And it’s a fight we must win.

I haven’t spent the past 35 years in the trenches advocating for children, campaigning for universal health care, helping parents balance work and family, and fighting for women’s rights at home and around the world . . . to see another Republican in the White House squander the promise of our country and the hopes of our people.

And you haven’t worked so hard over the last 18 months, or endured the last eight years, to suffer through more failed leadership.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Barack Obama is my candidate. And he must be our President.

Tonight we need to remember what a Presidential election is really about. When the polls have closed, and the ads are finally off the air, it comes down to you -- the American people, your lives, and your children’s futures.

For me, it’s been a privilege to meet you in your homes, your workplaces, and your communities. Your stories reminded me everyday that America’s greatness is bound up in the lives of the American people -- your hard work, your devotion to duty, your love for your children, and your determination to keep going, often in the face of enormous obstacles.

You taught me so much, you made me laugh, and . . . you even made me cry. You allowed me to become part of your lives. And you became part of mine.

I will always remember the single mom who had adopted two kids with autism, didn’t have health insurance and discovered she had cancer. But she greeted me with her bald head painted with my name on it and asked me to fight for health care.

I will always remember the young man in a Marine Corps t-shirt who waited months for medical care and said to me: “Take care of my buddies; a lot of them are still over there….and then will you please help take care of me?”

I will always remember the boy who told me his mom worked for the minimum wage and that her employer had cut her hours. He said he just didn’t know what his family was going to do.

I will always be grateful to everyone from all fifty states, Puerto Rico and the territories, who joined our campaign on behalf of all those people left out and left behind by the Bush Administrtation.

To my supporters, my champions -- my sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits – from the bottom of my heart: Thank you.

You never gave in. You never gave up. And together we made history.

Along the way, America lost two great Democratic champions who would have been here with us tonight. One of our finest young leaders, Arkansas Democratic Party Chair, Bill Gwatney, who believed with all his heart that America and the South could be and should be Democratic from top to bottom.

And Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, a dear friend to many of us, a loving mother and courageous leader who never gave up her quest to make America fairer and smarter, stronger and better. Steadfast in her beliefs, a fighter of uncommon grace, she was an inspiration to me and to us all.

Our heart goes out to Stephanie’s son, Mervyn, Jr, and Bill’s wife, Rebecca, who traveled to Denver to join us at our convention.

Bill and Stephanie knew that after eight years of George Bush, people are hurting at home, and our standing has eroded around the world. We have a lot of work ahead.

Jobs lost, houses gone, falling wages, rising prices. The Supreme Court in a right-wing headlock and our government in partisan gridlock. The biggest deficit in our nation’s history. Money borrowed from the Chinese to buy oil from the Saudis.

Putin and Georgia, Iraq and Iran.

I ran for President to renew the promise of America. To rebuild the middle class and sustain the American Dream, to provide the opportunity to work hard and have that work rewarded, to save for college, a home and retirement, to afford the gas and groceries and still have a little left over each month.

To promote a clean energy economy that will create millions of green collar jobs.

To create a health care system that is universal, high quality, and affordable so that parents no longer have to choose between care for themselves or their children or be stuck in dead end jobs simply to keep their insurance.

To create a world class education system and make college affordable again.

To fight for an America defined by deep and meaningful equality - from civil rights to labor rights, from women's rights to gay rights, from ending discrimination to promoting unionization to providing help for the most important job there is: caring for our families. To help every child live up to his or her God-given potential.

To make America once again a nation of immigrants and a nation of laws.

To bring fiscal sanity back to Washington and make our government an instrument of the public good, not of private plunder.

To restore America's standing in the world, to end the war in Iraq, bring our troops home and honor their service by caring for our veterans.

And to join with our allies to confront our shared challenges, from poverty and genocide to terrorism and global warming.

Most of all, I ran to stand up for all those who have been invisible to their government for eight long years.

Those are the reasons I ran for President. Those are the reasons I support Barack Obama. And those are the reasons you should too.

I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me? Or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him? Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids? Were you in it for that boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage? Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?

We need leaders once again who can tap into that special blend of American confidence and optimism that has enabled generations before us to meet our toughest challenges. Leaders who can help us show ourselves and the world that with our ingenuity, creativity, and innovative spirit, there are no limits to what is possible in America.

This won’t be easy. Progress never is. But it will be impossible if we don’t fight to put a Democrat in the White House.

We need to elect Barack Obama because we need a President who understands that America can’t compete in a global economy by padding the pockets of energy speculators, while ignoring the workers whose jobs have been shipped overseas. We need a President who understands that we can’t solve the problems of global warming by giving windfall profits to the oil companies while ignoring opportunities to invest in new technologies that will build a green economy.

We need a President who understands that the genius of America has always depended on the strength and vitality of the middle class.

Barack Obama began his career fighting for workers displaced by the global economy. He built his campaign on a fundamental belief that change in this country must start from the ground up, not the top down. He knows government must be about “We the people” not “We the favored few.”

And when Barack Obama is in the White House, he’ll revitalize our economy, defend the working people of America, and meet the global challenges of our time. Democrats know how to do this. As I recall, President Clinton and the Democrats did it before. And President Obama and the Democrats will do it again.

He’ll transform our energy agenda by creating millions of green jobs and building a new, clean energy future. He’ll make sure that middle class families get the tax relief they deserve. And I can’t wait to watch Barack Obama sign a health care plan into law that covers every single American.

Barack Obama will end the war in Iraq responsibly and bring our troops home – a first step to repairing our alliances around the world.

And he will have with him a terrific partner in Michelle Obama. Anyone who saw Michelle’s speech last night knows she will be a great First Lady for America.

Americans are also fortunate that Joe Biden will be at Barack Obama’s side. He is a strong leader and a good man. He understands both the economic stresses here at home and the strategic challenges abroad. He is pragmatic, tough, and wise. And, of course, Joe will be supported by his wonderful wife, Jill.

They will be a great team for our country.

Now, John McCain is my colleague and my friend.

He has served our country with honor and courage.

But we don’t need four more years . . . of the last eight years.

More economic stagnation …and less affordable health care.

More high gas prices …and less alternative energy.

More jobs getting shipped overseas …and fewer jobs created here.

More skyrocketing debt ...home foreclosures …and mounting bills that are crushing our middle class families.

More war . . . less diplomacy.

More of a government where the privileged come first …and everyone else comes last.

John McCain says the economy is fundamentally sound. John McCain doesn’t think that 47 million people without health insurance is a crisis. John McCain wants to privatize Social Security. And in 2008, he still thinks it’s okay when women don’t earn equal pay for equal work.

With an agenda like that, it makes sense that George Bush and John McCain will be together next week in the Twin Cities. Because these days they’re awfully hard to tell apart.

America is still around after 232 years because we have risen to the challenge of every new time, changing to be faithful to our values of equal opportunity for all and the common good.

And I know what that can mean for every man, woman, and child in America. I’m a United States Senator because in 1848 a group of courageous women and a few brave men gathered in Seneca Falls, New York, many traveling for days and nights, to participate in the first convention on women’s rights in our history.

And so dawned a struggle for the right to vote that would last 72 years, handed down by mother to daughter to granddaughter – and a few sons and grandsons along the way.

These women and men looked into their daughters’ eyes, imagined a fairer and freer world, and found the strength to fight. To rally and picket. To endure ridicule and harassment. To brave violence and jail.

And after so many decades – 88 years ago on this very day – the 19th amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote would be forever enshrined in our Constitution.

My mother was born before women could vote. But in this election my daughter got to vote for her mother for President.

This is the story of America. Of women and men who defy the odds and never give up.

How do we give this country back to them?

By following the example of a brave New Yorker , a woman who risked her life to shepherd slaves along the Underground Railroad.

And on that path to freedom, Harriett Tubman had one piece of advice.

If you hear the dogs, keep going.

If you see the torches in the woods, keep going.

If they're shouting after you, keep going.

Don't ever stop. Keep going.

If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.

Even in the darkest of moments, ordinary Americans have found the faith to keep going.

I’ve seen it in you. I’ve seen it in our teachers and firefighters, nurses and police officers, small business owners and union workers, the men and women of our military – you always keep going.

We are Americans. We're not big on quitting.

But remember, before we can keep going, we have to get going by electing Barack Obama president.

We don't have a moment to lose or a vote to spare.

Nothing less than the fate of our nation and the future of our children hang in the balance.

I want you to think about your children and grandchildren come election day. And think about the choices your parents and grandparents made that had such a big impact on your life and on the life of our nation.

We've got to ensure that the choice we make in this election honors the sacrifices of all who came before us, and will fill the lives of our children with possibility and hope.

That is our duty, to build that bright future, and to teach our children that in America there is no chasm too deep, no barrier too great – and no ceiling too high – for all who work hard, never back down, always keep going, have faith in God, in our country, and in each other.

Thank you so much. God bless America and Godspeed to you all.

I Remember It Well

38 years ago today I marched in my first "women's lib" march in NYC. The march was to commemorate the 50th anniversary of women's suffrage. I was 19. I marched alone with 50,000 women and men who all seemed to know one another. I felt alone. I didn't care. I made my stand. In 1970 it was a very radical thing to do.

Today is the 88th anniversary of women's suffrage and it's fitting that Hillary Clinton will be addressing the Democratic National Convention this evening as the only woman who has ever come close to being the Presidential nominee for a major political party in the U.S. It's also indicative of how much farther we have to go.

Hillary Clinton is by far the better candidate and lost the nomination by a small amount of votes. 18,000,000 Americans voted for Hillary to be the Democratic nominee. That should at least have earned her the Vice Presidential nomination.

Instead, Obama, that icon of courage and change, chose a white male who has been in the senate for 36 years. Obama won 2201 delegates, Clinton won 1896 delegates, Edwards won 6 delegates, and Joe Biden won 0 delgates. Yet Obama chose the antithesis of what he has been talking about for the past 18 months as the best possible running mate to catapult him to the Presidency.

Sounds like the same old shit to me.

Stop-Loss

I watched a movie called Stop-Loss last night.

Stop-loss, in the United States military, is the involuntary extension of a service member's active duty service under the enlistment contract in order to retain them beyond their initial end of term of service (ETS) date. It also applies to the cessation of a permanent change of station (PCS) move for a member still in military service. Stop-loss was used immediately before and during the first Persian Gulf War. Since then, it has been used during American military deployments to Somalia, Haiti, Bosnia, Kosovo and during the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks and the subsequent military actions against Afghanistan and Iraq (see War on Terror).

The policy has been legally challenged several times, however federal courts have consistently found that military service members contractually agree that their term of service may be involuntarily extended. ~ Wikipedia

It is an excellent film and difficult to watch. I highly recommend it to anyone who can stomach the initial 20 minutes of the film, which contains action in Iraq by US troops. The film is dramatic, sad, frustrating, infuriating!

Stop-Loss is a back-door draft and its been used on (and against) 81,000 troops in the past 6 years of the IRAQ war. It is as immoral as the war itself.

from another messenger....

Dear Bishops,
One of my most hopeful moments of church came when the bishops of the United States were willing to wrestle with the questions of nuclear morality in a nuclear world. One of my most disappointing moments, on the other hand, came when you failed to say that deterrence that is aimed at the destruction of the globe is morally unacceptable, that a defense system that has already begun to erode the social fiber of our country with its lustful, gluttonous, profligate use of resources could possible be a sinless activity.

How can we possibly say that what is immoral to use is moral to design and develop and deploy? How can we possibly say that to abort a fetus is morally wrong but that the weapons intended only to abort the whole human race is not? How can we possibly make ourselves and our generation more worthy of the ultimate act of retaliation than at any other possible moment in history?

Isn’t the arrogance of those postures alone a sin against the Holy Spirit?

How is it that we can ask people to be prepared to die in nuclear warfare in the name of a “defense” that is destructive but refuse to ask them to be prepared to die in passive resistance in the name of the gospel? All that would happen to us if we faced a nuclear attack without weapons is that we would die, but isn’t that the very posture that we clearly espouse even now in the name of “defense”? And isn’t that precisely the kind of deterrence that we expect from the non-nuclear world even now?

The point is that we say nuclear weapons alone can be a deterrence to nuclear war. But surely there is a rational and Christian deterrence as well that would be equally effective.

It was a Christian state that designed the Holocaust, and Christian countries that waged the Inquisition, and Christian states that burned witches and napalmed Vietnamese villages and used the atomic bomb, not once but twice, for experimental purposes. Now, with all the planet and universal human morality and civilization itself at stake, in an age when errors cannot be forgiven, we are begging you, lead this Christian state to more than that.

The Rule of Benedict requires humility as the cornerstone of spirituality built in the patriarchal culture of imperial Rome. We need that same humility now from the church. Call the country to negotiations, to human respect, to faith and to humility in our dealing with both the little and the great ones of the world.

There is an ancient proverb that teaches, “Wherever there is excess in anything, something is lacking.” Finish the fine work you have begun and give the nation what it lacks, to its peril, in its excessive militarism—the challenge of peace.

– letter by Joan Chittister from Dear Bishops: Open Letters on the Morality of Nuclear Deterrence Addressed to the US Catholic Bishops, Pax Christi USA, 1989, 5th anniversary of US Roman Catholics pastoral, “The Challenge of Peace: God’s Promise and Our Response.”

The only thing that surprises me about the Bush-Cheney nightmare is that they have not, to date, opted to use the nuclear option. That surprises me as the other decisions they have made, world efforts for peace ignored, requests for disarmament they've rejected, violations of the Constitution they have perpetuated, and allies they have betrayed, would lead one to believe that their quest for world domination and exploitation for political and monetary gain would include nuclear terror. But the administration is not over yet.

My Favorite Paintings

There are many artists who's work I look at regularly. There are artists who's development over the past 30 years has been closely followed by me. I find their work inspiring and intellectually, visually and emotionally satisfying in some way.

But if I had to answer the question, "What are my favorite paintings?" The answer would be only two. I have two favorite paintings. Only two.

My favorite artists are: Van Gogh, Murray, Schnabel, Motherwell, Clemente, deKooning, Rothenberg, Picasso, O'Keeffe, Marden, Hesse. There are others that I look in on, but none that I look at as frequently as I do these artists.

Robert Motherwell, Reconciliation Elegy, 1978




Vincent Van Gogh, Starry Night, 1888

"This silence, this moment, every moment, if it's genuinely inside you,
brings what you need. There's nothing to believe. Only when I stopped believing in myself did I come into this beauty. Sit quietly, and listen for a voice that will say, 'Be more silent.' Die and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign that you've died. Your old life was a frantic running from silence. Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence. "

~Rumi

For a faraway friend

Just yesterday afternoon, in the midst of a lovely slug day, Ben, out of nowhere, said, "how is Uncle Josh?" F and I were shocked, not only by his ability to articulate such a thought, but that he did so while enjoying a nap at the foot of F's chair.

So, I decided that I would post this picture of Ben and his sibs taken on July 17, '08. By way of posting this photo, Ben, Yeshe, and Allie B. Old are saying hi to Uncle Josh.

Memories

I've been experiencing a lot of memories lately, and I've thought a lot about what memories are and aren't.

What they are is spontaneous. I can't control or prevent them from arising. Probably the only way not to have memories is to have amnesia and I can't even imagine what that would be like. The only thing I can control is my emotional response to memories. There was a time when I couldn't do that. I would have memories of times and incidents that were emotionally painful or humiliating for me and I would be thrust right back into the pain and discomfort of that moment and situation. Not as intensely, not as despairingly. That has changed. Now I experience most memories without all the emotional baggage.

I don't even know if or when I wanted that to happen. I think by the time I knew that you could actually achieve that I was becoming aware that I was on my way. I don't know if it's aging, or if its meditation and contemplation. I just know that I have aged and I meditate and I contemplate and now it is different.

I remember when my relationship with L ended. Prior to being together I was almost crippled by fear. I was afraid of violence. I was afraid of being caught sleeping and off guard and losing my life in painful ways as a result. At one point in my life that was a realistic fear, but it hadn't been for many years, yet I still experienced aloneness as if it was still my reality. I didn't like to live alone because I feared the fear so much. I feared the sleepless nights, the nightmares and anxiety. The twelve years we were together I lived under the belief that if alone I would experience that again on a daily basis. Then we broke up.

When we parted ways I decided I really wanted to live alone. I was afraid, not of being killed or harmed. I was afraid the fear would be there again and that it would be all encompassing like it had been in the past. I moved into an apt. alone and it didn't happen. I wasn't afraid. I didn't have fear of being alone, of being harmed, of being caught off guard. I was comfortable alone. I felt safe and enjoyed the quiet and freedom that it brought me. I didn't know until I had tested it, until I had put myself in the position to confront it, that it had fallen away during the course of maturing. I had become the person I wanted to be and I hadn't known it until then.

And now I am moving into another area of realizing that who I thought I was has changed. I am experiencing it as a sense of loss. Loss is a weird thing. It makes me very aware. I am aware of the absence of something that I have been accustomed to being part of my psyche or my physical experience. Loss, for me, is awareness of absence, and it is often a relief and a liberating experience though it can also feel strange, scary, and sad. Loss is adjusting to the absence of something I have had to live with. Even if that thing was an obstacle, as they often are, I experience the absence of it as loss. But I know that it's ok, and actually I want to experience more. I want to lose more assumptions, obstacles, preconceived notions of my abilities and opportunities.

I would like my life to be stripped bare of all barriers that prevent me from reaching my full potential as a human being. And what would that look like? What would my life be like if I were living, thinking, functioning to my fullest? I don't even know. And isn't that the point? To imagine what it would look like would be to put some kind of parameters around it. To establish a high water mark, so to speak, for what "fullest" would look like. Maybe I am at this very moment living to my fullest capacity. But will that be true tomorrow? Or the next day?

Recent Sketches

I often doodle faces. I like noses. I like eyes. I have trouble with lips. I have trouble with placing the features proportionally. I use the word doodle because I don't sketch through observation. I just doodle and I enjoy it.


I also enjoy doodling bowls. Bowls are interesting shapes and I like the utilitarian nature of them. Bowls, vases, cups, are my favorite kinds of pottery. They are vessels to be filled and help us fill ourselves. Bowls are some of the earliest artifacts archeologists have found from early human civilization. They are a tool that has not changed much over tens of thousands of years. I like simple bowls. They have a quiet dignity to them.

HOLY SMOKE!

Frankye and I watched a very good movie the other day. It was called Holy Smoke and starred Kate Winslet and Harvey Keitel. The film is about a young woman who goes to India (from Australia) and falls under the spell of a guru. Her family becomes alarmed and hires the best de-programmer America has to offer. The heart of the film is about the time the de-programmer and the young woman spend together challenging one another's life and belief assumptions.

I thought it was a powerful film. F did not, though she felt it was enjoyable and beautifully photographed, which it is. I related very much to the film and as a result I have had an on-going stream of memories just bombarding my mind. I feel like I'm living in a meteor shower of memories from my late teens to my early 20s. The memories are not disturbing, though that period of my life was. It's as if the memories are just pieces, fragments, floating, detached, and I am finally making sense of it all. With that has come a sense loss. I feel a sense of loss about opportunities that I didn't even know I had. I didn't reject them. I didn't know they were there. And that "unawareness" makes me sad, because if there is one thing that I can say I would do over again it would be that. I don't know that I would have taken any of the oportunities. I would just like to have known they were there.

I'm a Blue Crayon

I am a Blue Crayon

Your world is colored in calm, understated, deep colors. You are a loyal person, and the truest friend anyone could hope to find. On the inside, you tend to be emotional and even a bit moody. However, you know that people depend on you. So you put on a strong front. Your color wheel opposite is orange. Orange people may be opinionated, but you feel they lack the depth to truly understand what they're saying.

What Color Crayon Are You?

A visit from a Q

I had a lovely sobriety anniversary day yesterday. Friends remembered and told me so. I had a busy work day but lots of energy and good feeling all day. It was a good day.

It was preceded by a good weekend. By the time I got home from work Friday night I didn't feel too well. I had a headache off and on since Wednesday afternoon. The Q was in town and we had lunch together at India Restaurant. She looks great, and Andrea looks great and it was a pleasure to see them. I went back to work after lunch and slowly the ongoing headache returned. F and I chilled out, spent the evening watching the first 4 episodes of "The L Word" on a netflix DVD, and then went to bed.

Saturday I dragged myself through a series of chores, including going to KTC for some bookkeeping work (I had a severe headache at that point and could not practice.) Afterwards I went home and napped. I could have slept for hours on end but didn't. Again, F and I had a quiet evening. By Saturday evening the sharpness of my headache had dulled. I went to bed and read until 1 then fell into a deep sleep.

Alice B. Old decided I didn't need to sleep past 5:45. So I got up and enjoyed the morning quiet and no headache. I read, watched the news, did some on-line surfing, had breakfast with the dogs, talked to josh on line and then went out and shopped for groceries.

At noon the Q came over for brunch. F made wonderful blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs. We had a pot of my favorite New Mexico Pinon coffee and chatted and caught up. As usual, we laughed, reminisced, and ate too much. After a while we moved into the den and settled into lazy boy chairs. The Q and I napped and F farted around with the animals. At 3:30 we left to go to Bruster's for ice cream and then dropped the Q at Andrea's house. It was a really lovely day.

It was fun to be with the Q again. I miss the Q and josh. I miss our weekend get togethers, dinners at each others houses, hours spent giggling in Borders or Barnes & Noble. Having the noodles and teckles all together in one room. But life changes and it's not a bad thing. They certainly seem to be much happier in MD.

F and I enjoy our quiet evenings together and the routine of our lives. We've settled into a comfortable and companionable lifestyle. We want for little, have everything we need, and desire just enough material comforts with our meager means to prioritize and set goals. We both agree that excess money is worth saving for trips rather than acquisitions. Being in the mountains, away from the city, quiet, relaxed, and creative, is worth the wait. We look forward to a time when we can return to the desert in NM and spend time making art and exploring. We'd like to own an RV at retirement time and spend months at a time in places we love.

But that's the future. And having 2 of our closest friends in the same city is the past. And it's ok. Today life is good as it is. It's different, but it's good.

Bastille Day

I'm not French. I know next to nothing about French history. Yet every year for the last 32 years I celebrate the now 219 year old French holiday, Bastille Day.

Bastille Day commemorates the storming of the French Prison, which not only held prisoners indicted by the crown for un-appealable offenses, but also was used as an armory. The holiday commemorates what the French believe was the start of the modern French Republic. Kind of like our Boston Tea Party.

Bastille Day coincides with my own day of liberation from the prison of addiction. Thirty-two years ago today I decided I needed to stop drinking. I was a daily drunk at that point. Not working. Unable to work, because of my drinking. Living once again in the nightmare of round the clock intoxication and unmanageability. I had been there before and I knew the scenery well. I never slept the night of the 13th. I drank and drank and drank all day and night and couldn't get drunk enough to forget that what I was doing was futile and that if I kept doing it I was going to relive my past and probably not survive it this time.

I couldn't sleep. I just sat in the home of my most recent drinking buddies, until it was a reasonable time (9 AM) and I could call my friend Betty. Betty was the mother of a friend of mine. Her son Vito and I had been through drug rehab together and Betty and I had also become friends. There was an Italian connection there. Betty was a sober alcoholic. She had been sober about 5 years at the time.

I called Betty and went to her house and told her I needed to get sober. I stayed with her for the first 3 days of my sobriety. I basically detoxed in her home.

Betty took me to my first AA meeting. She told me I never had to have a first day again. She talked to me for hours on end while I couldn't sleep. She refrained from laughing at me when I read the 12 steps and said arrogantly, "I've done all these." She invited her sober friends to her house and we had an AA meeting sitting around her kitchen table. She fed me. Gave me a bed to sleep in, and kept bringing me to meetings. Thanks Betty! If not for you, I'm not so sure I would have been able to get sober 32 years ago. She always told me to just pass it on.

Thirty-two years is a long time to not do something. Because of Betty, the people she introduced me to, and the things I heard in AA meeting rooms ("the rooms"), I know that just because I haven't had a drink in 32 years doesn't mean that I am not an alcoholic anymore. It just means I don't live like an active alcoholic anymore.

It was only last week when the thought of sitting and drinking some wine crossed my mind. It was a month ago, prompted by something I read, that I wondered what it would be like to do LSD now, knowing what I know, and being of sounder mind than I was 40 years ago when I first start doing acid. The thoughts still arise to drink, to smoke pot, to taste heroin or utilize meth to pump up my energy level. They arise and they get batted away almost involuntarily like swatting a mosquito biting my arm or a fly buzzing about my head.

But the thoughts still arise. They always will. A cold beer on a hot day, or at the ballgame, will always be appealing. Because of that I remain diligent in my adherence to practices I learned in early sobriety. No eating food cooked with alcohol. No using mouth wash with alcohol, or tooth paste with alcohol, or other ingestible products made with alcohol. I do no recreational anesthetizing, no matter how good the thought of that may be at times. No erosion of the practices I established to get sober. That has been my commitment.

So today I celebrate another 365 24-hour periods of continuous sobriety. I celebrate silently all day long. I pat myself on the back for a job well done, again, this day, the only day that I have to make my continued sobriety a reality. I'll feel good about it all damn day.

It's Fryday!

I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
No, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
Well, I wake in the morning,
Fold my hands and pray for rain.
I got a head full of ideas
That are drivin' me insane.
It's a shame the way she makes me scrub the floor.
I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.

I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more.
No, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more.
Well, he hands you a nickel,
He hands you a dime,
He asks you with a grin
If you're havin' a good time,
Then he fines you every time you slam the door.
I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more.

I ain't gonna work for Maggie's pa no more.
No, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's pa no more.
Well, he puts his cigar
Out in your face just for kicks.
His bedroom window
It is made out of bricks.
The National Guard stands around his door.
Ah, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's pa no more.

I ain't gonna work for Maggie's ma no more.
No, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's ma no more.
Well, she talks to all the servants
About man and God and law.
Everybody says
She's the brains behind pa.
She's sixty-eight, but she says she's twenty-four.
I ain't gonna work for Maggie's ma no more.

I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
No, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
Well, I try my best
To be just like I am,
But everybody wants you
To be just like them.
They sing while you slave and I just get bored.
I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.

------------------------------
Maggie's Farm, music & lyrics by Bob Dylan

Hope is in the Details

Barack at Risk is an interesting commentary by Tom Hayden in this week's The Nation.

It Was Oil, All Along by Bill Moyers and Michael Winship.

I had a strange but very nice 3 day weekend. It was strange because I was clearly still in vacation mode. My brain was just not engaged with what my body needed to be doing. I misplaced my wallet, my cell phone, my eye glasses, my book, my mala beads. So many things.

Fryday I was a total slug. I don’t think I left the house at all. I was like a lump on the couch, a small part of my mind scanning the web, a smaller part listening to the TV, the largest part completely spaced out. I had a wonderful nap as well. I probably could have had 2 or 3 naps, but didn't.

Saturday I got up early and went to sangha. Afterwards, I went to pick up JuJu, but while on the phone with Lori, drove way past the turn and wound up down by NAS Jax. After the u-turn, I stopped to see Taylor, as I was driving past Caffeino anyway. I got a mango smoothie that was so cold it made my forehead and the base of my skull hurt! But it was delicious. It kept me conscious enough to drive safely to pick up Julian.

I successfully picked up Julian and we went to The Loop for lunch. At that time I had no idea where my wallet was and I had a mere $17 for us both to have lunch. I had a bowl of tomato bisque soup and Ju had....., whatever he had. It came to $16 something because I had coins left over. After lunch we went home. Ju hung out with F in the den and I went to bed for a nap. I slept 3 hours. When I got up Ju and I watched the end of the NYY/BOS game. Yankees won!!!! Then I made dinner. We all chatted and ate and at about 8 pm we went to Bruester’s for an ice cream cone and then took Julian home. What an exciting day!

Yesterday I was a little more functional, physically. Still not too connected. At noon I went to visit my cousin and Aunt and Uncle who were in Jax visiting other family. I love them all and rarely get to see them. My cousins' daughter is almost 6 (!) and just the most adorable little girl. Around 3 pm I came back and picked up F. We went to Borders for a short while, as we hadn’t been in quite a while.

Afterwards we were scheduled to meet Shannon, Lori and Dwight at Vito's. We were in Borders and I had no idea what time it was. My watch has a dead battery and I could not find my cell phone. Finally, F received a call from Lori telling us that Vito's was closed, as were most of the restaurants in the area due to electrical outages. By then it was storming, with rain and lots of lightening. We decided to see if there was a Japanese restaurant open near Bay Meadows and Southside, and actually found an Italian Restaurant called Guiliana's open. We made calls to all parties concerned and met there for dinner It was a nice restaurant, comfortable and the food was very good. We all enjoyed it.

F had brought with us gifts for Shannon's birthday, which was on the 28th, and (I thought) I had a gift for Lori and Dwight, thanking them for house sitting. Of course, I had forgotten it. I had laid it on my backpack (so I wouldn't forget it) before we left the house, but had absently moved it so I could get my backpack. DUH!!

Ok, I'm tired of this now. Time to get back to function mode. I have to work, and function, and not make mindless mistakes. No more pretending that I can just go away internally as well as physically. I need to pay attention. But it's so hard. I'm so relaxed. I'm so relaxed that for the first days after vacation started my neck hurt. My shoulders had lowered about 4 -5 inches and the stretching of my neck muscles was painful. F said I look stoned and have a far off look in my eyes. I just feel relaxed.

Later

Okey, dokey. Apparently I saved this post this morning but never published it. So the malaise continues. It's going to be a long day!!

The Cost of Living

Things are getting tight. Money tight. Not just for us, but for everyone. I see it everywhere. The last few times I was at Publix I noticed prices were higher, and lines at checkout were shorter. While we were in NC prices were outrageous. But when we came home we found that prices here in Jacksonville had also increased.

The other day I bought 5.8 gallons of gas for $24.99. That will get me about 120 miles. Glad I don't have my old job anymore where I traveled around to the counties, some days traveling well over 100 miles. There is no way I could afford doing that today.

I sound like an old fart, I know. Talking about rising prices. F and I sit and watch TV and are amazed when people use the word fart on television, or commercials that target men with "weak streams" and erectile dysfunction. We hear ourselves talking about how no one values anything any more, how we live in a disposable society and how wrong that is. Just 2 old farts, not adjusting to change.

Every generation has moved into that behavior as they approached 60, 70, 80 years old. The world changes faster than we can adjust to it. I know I have gotten to the point where computers are the outer limits of my technological expertise. I wouldn't know what to do with an iPod or any of the new kind of cell phones. I don't have a camera on my cell phone. That's not what phones are for. At least not for me.

Speaking of change, I had an epiphany while on vacation. F and I were driving and passed a big truck on the road. I was in the passenger seat and as I turned to look at the truck we were passing I noticed pig snouts sticking out between the slats of the truck. Many, many pig snouts. They were jammed in there like the Jews put in cattle cars to Auschwitz. That is the image that came into my mind. I realized that they were being sent to slaughter in the same way the Jews were, and that it was also horrific, even though they were animals and not humans.

It hit me like a brick that I am a participant in that brutality regardless of how removed I am from the process. I can stare at "meat products" wrapped in cellophane on a shelf in the supermarket and not feel any more connection to the process than I do to the process of growing a tomato when I buy those. But I am connected to the process of both of those products merely by consuming them.

I felt sick from the sight of the pigs and decided that I would commit to vegetarianism. This is something I have thought about for quite awhile. For years in fact. I have never felt ok about eating meat again, but I have done it with gusto at times. Each time, discarding the thoughts of how wrong it is. Last December, H.H. Karmapa came out with a statement on meat eating, promoting vegetarianism and encouraging practitioners to stop eating meat. It has been on my mind daily since I read his comments about it. I am now ready to commit to it.

Being vegetarian is something I did for 10 years. I liked it and didn't have a hard time with it. It takes more work preparing foods and more thought to make sure meals are balanced and that there is enough protein. When I lived in NY it was easier in many ways because fresh made tofu was so readily available. I have not been able to find 1 single vendor here who sells fresh tofu. That is the best source of protein for vegetarians, and for me, since I can't eat rice too much. But I will focus on it and do everything I can to be make this transition successful.

Independence

I love national holidays. They don't exclude anyone living in America. Everyone who is on American soil on a national holiday can participate. There is no exclusion based on religion, creed, race or nationality. Independence day is a particularly good holiday to me. There are no expectations for it. It's a day off. It's a day we usually spend at home. No expectations. No stress to be happy or festive or celebratory. A day to do whatever the hell we please to do. And I am happy to do just that.

I returned to work after a 12 day vacation. When I have a good vacation I am always happy to come back to my job. I love my job, enjoy my co-workers, and feel like what I do adds depth and meaning to my life. So, while I can't wait to be retired, as long as I "have" to work, I am so grateful to be doing that here. Two days of work this week and now a 3 day weekend. Life is grand!