Post Mortems

The news is filled today with recalling the horrors of the past year and the deaths of people who some how or other had become meaningful to large numbers of people.

Of course, the most recent and upsetting for many was the assassination this week of Benazir Bhutto. While she had many followers in Pakistan, she was also held in high esteem by many, many people around the world. Her murder, while predictable, was no less tragic.

The one death that surprised and effected me most was the death of one of my favorite artists. Her name is Elizabeth Murray and she was a wonderful painter. She died in August. Murray cut her canvases into the shapes of her paintings and so they were both paintings and sculptures.

I first came upon her work on a gallery hop in Soho in 1986. I had a route that I took and galleries I visited on a monthly basis. I had not heard of her or seen her work prior to walking into the gallery that day. As I entered the gallery I walked up to a large painting laying on a tilt on the floor. As a fan of abstract expressionism I was accustomed to art not present on a square or rectangular painting surface. Artists had for many years been pushing the envelope on what is suitable for painting.

I don't even remember which painting it was. It was large. It was a cut-out canvas in an organic shape. It was colorful and strong. I got a chill and teared as I stood before it and stared. I went through the exhibit 2 or 3 times. I was excited by her work. I felt like the cells in my body had been electrified and were tingling.

I've had that reaction to 2 painters. Elizabeth Murray and Vincent van Gogh. Early in the eighties I stood before van Gogh's "Starry Night" at MOMA and wept like a fool. I was so moved by that painting.

But now Elizabeth Murray is gone, at age 66, taken by cancer. It's a loss for those of us touched by her work.

painting: Elizabeth Murray, Careless Love, 1995-1996

On the Eve

It's new year's eve. Just another day. Just another eve. My 56th. It really has changed for me over the years. The best part of it is I am lucky enough to have a job that gives me a day off the following day. For the last 10 years, I have enjoyed a half day of work on the eve.

In previous years, the end of the year had meaning for me. I saw Jan 1st as a beginning and Dec 31st as an ending. I no longer see it, think of it, or have expectations of it, in that way. I tend to think of my life as a line, a landscape with rises and falls and flat areas. I think of the calendar as a circle, locked into a rotation that broadens slightly every 4th year.

We humans love to categorize, label, count, and document time. The beginning, end, mid-, start, finish...and on and on, as ways to distinguish one now from another. But it has no real meaning. There is a Hebrew calendar (5768), a Chinese calendar(4607), an Indian calendar (1929), an Islamic calendar (1428),a Tibetan calendar (2134), and a Julian calendar (2007). Each calendar counts the years within their tradition, but it has no meaning for time, life, existence, etc.

The new year is celebrated at different times, as well. The Chinese will celebrate the new year on Feb 7, 2008, Indian new year is celebrated variously in Spring or Autumn, depending on the region of India, Hebrew new year was celebrated on Sept 12th, Tibetan new year will also be celebrated on Feb 7th, and of course the western world's celebration on Jan 1st.

The only thing we all have in common is that we document time. It's a human thing to do. It's a tradition, with sub traditions of when and how, within the tradition. It is nothing more than that.

I no longer make resolutions. I no longer search my memory for the successes I've achieved to try and balance out every failure I caused or experienced in the past calendar year. What a futile exercise that is! Oy!

So, on the eve, F and I will spend a quiet evening at home with our animals. We've decided on a menu of scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon, sliced tomatoes and toast for dinner. We will have a late evening snack of salsa and tortilla chips. Our evening will probably include watching a few episodes of "Profiler" that we have on TiVo, and at 11:55 PM turn to a network station to watch the ball in Times Square drop. We will make comments about how glad we are not to be there with all those people and all that craziness. We will both sleep well, as we have no work in the morning.

The Elusive Illusory Now

I was thinking about a quote I read the other day about staying in the now and regarding the the past as unliveable (not verbatim).

Then I was thinking about journaling. It's something I do on a regular basis, almost daily, and have done since I was in my 20's. The thing about journaling that is so daunting is that we can never capture now. There is no way to document now. By the time we document now it is already the past. So I can only document the very recent or more distant past.

While I mull that I wonder how many "nows" I have spent documenting "then." Does it matter? I reminisce not.

I am on the precipice of a 9 day break from work. That is not anything I have had in 10 years of being on this job. I'm sure I have been off for 9 days in a row in the past, but everyone of those times I went somewhere during the break. This time I will be home for the whole 9 days. I am really looking forward to it.

I have been very stressed lately. I've felt a lot of stress on my job since I moved into a new position. I feel financial stress. I feel stress at home. I feel stress about my eating. I've gained about 8 lbs since Thanksgiving and it is coming off at a fraction of an ounce at a time. At the the office there is candy and cake and cookies all over the place everyday. Vendors have been sending treats as gifts, staff have been having departmental celebrations with lots of leftovers, The Board, Coalitions, all having luncheons with leftovers. Food, food everywhere.

The stress is causing me physical pain. My neck hurts, I've had headaches, my legs hurt. I'm hoping the work break will give me an opportunity to recover control of what I eat and how much. Oy, I'm whining!

We, Frankye and I, are having the least expensive Christmas we have ever had. Largely it is out of necessity. If we had more money, we would gleefully be more generous with those we love. But we are very stretched financially, so we are giving, but on a much smaller scale. And it's ok. It actually feels better to give within our means, than to stress out about acquiring more debt.

There are a number of things I would like to do on my vacation. I want to clean out my studio, discard much unnecessary clutter and then actually spend time in there DOING art. I'd like to see a movie or two, in a theater and at home. I'd like to spend a morning in bed, in peace, at least 1 day. I want to read, rest, nap daily if possible, do some long neglected chores around the house and property, spend quality time with F and j and bbb and boogie-mites, and last, but not least, practice, practice, practice. A tall order, I think. But, then, that is the future, as unliveable as the past.

The Face of War

Youssif, who suffered a near fatal bomb attack in Iraq, is in the U.S. for extensive plastic surgery on the damage done to his face. Doctors may be able to erase most of the scars from his face, but no one can erase the scars on our souls for being a part of this.

Saying it out loud. Writing it down. This is how I make commitments. It is when I know what commitments I am truly ready to make and keep.

Today some co-workers were talking about Christmas, and shopping, and decorating. After much chattering and silence on my part, I was asked what I do to prepare for the holiday. I replied that I do not celebrate Christmas. That is the first time I have really said that out loud, though Christmas has stopped being a meaningful time for me many, many, years ago, long before I converted to Buddhism. It's been within the last 5 years that I have fallen out of the excitement of the commercial holiday of Christmas, as well.

It's been a very long time since I have been able to call myself a Christian, though I tried to resurrect that belief when I first moved to Jacksonville and joined F's church. Had she and L not been there, I never would have gone, or stayed as long as I did. I remember the day I was made a member. I had to say that I believed Jesus was God. I didn't believe that at all. F wanted me to be a member and when I discussed it with her before hand she said not to worry about it, maybe I would come to believe again in time, or maybe it didn't really matter.

I don't mean to besmirch the name or memory of Jesus. I believe there was a historical Jesus. I believe he was more politically relevent than religiously relevent in his time. I do not believe he was/is divine. I do believe he had a message of love and peace and compassion. I believe he was kind hearted. I believe he was a bodhisattva. I believe he would mock what is done in his name today. I believe he would not consider himself a Christian either given the way his teachings have been ignored or twisted.

So, now it's in writing as well. I've said it out loud and I've put it in writing on the world wide web. I'm not a Christian. I don't celebrate Christmas. I celebrate my friends and family. I celebrate our annual gathering of a special meal, enjoyed together, with small gifts exchanged as a way of expressing affection for one another. That's it. That's the whole of it for me. No need to decorate for that. No need to spend a fortune and go into debt to do that. No need to feel stress, or guilt or pressure to do it right.

So now, with Thanksgiving this week, and Christmas following a month later, I am ready to enjoy what there is to enjoy from the holidays: my friends, my family, time off to relax, special cooking, special eating. A respite more than a celebration.

I had a good weekend. Balanced. Sangha. Meditation. Reading. Family time. Alone time. Recreation. Football. Lunch out. Dinner ordered in. Sleep. Rest. Socializing. Reflection. Study.

I am still studying Karme Chakme's Mountain Dharma by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche. It is so wonderful. The book is a teacher. The book embodies what Karme Chakme taught, and what Khenpo Karthar taught.

Here are a few notes I've made while reading the book:

By abstaining from criticizing people, it is possible that you may be accumulating positive karma, but even if you are not accumulating anything positive. It is definite that you are not accumulating negative karma.

Enlightment is becoming aware and clear about everything, developing the wisdom state of our mind.

What makes a human life meaningful? It is protecting the roots of your 3 vows: individual liberation, Bodhichitta, and samaya (committment to the Guru, to the practice, and to the sangha.

Mara is anything that obstructs the practice of Dharma and seduces you into abandoning your practice in favor of worldly activities.

Most of the Buddha's teachings of the 4 Noble Truths are an explanation of karma.

Virtuous actions which are not dedicated to the awakening of all beings are very fragile and can be quickly exhausted.

I dedicate these notes to all sentient beings especially those that find themselves in harms way in war zones all around the world.

odds and ends

I had a good week. Another 3-day work week. I could get used to these easily. I am just getting an inkling of the work of my new position. After 10 years of working within the same dept. and becoming knowledgeable of that federal grant, I have to learn a whole new one. It's new people to get to know and different tasks to learn, though the skills needed to do them are the same. It should be fine.

I began to read about buddhism over 7 years ago. This coming January will be 7 years since I took refuge. It is only recently that I feel my commitment to practice developing and growing. It takes a long time for me to transition from intellectual curiosity to sincere interest to a seed of belief to commitment. This is the first time since I have been affiliated with KTC that I can actually see the growth. It encourages me to keep on.

I thought this blog on Buddhism and tattoos was interesting. I have a tattoo on my left bicep of the Om Mani Peme Hung mantra. I don't consider it art but a form of practice. Getting the tattoo is a commitment to Buddhism and to the mantra in its written form.

I am trying to think through not worrying too much about the future. I worry about things like: what if I lose my job? what if I lose my home? what if I get sick? what if I have an incapacitating accident? These are useless worries. Useless because it doesn't matter what the answer is. Whatever will happen will happen whether I worry about it or not. The very worst thing that can happen to me is that I die. And that is the one thing that I know will definetly happen. So what's to worry? It is just an old habit that's difficult to break. I have outgrown it, as I have outgrown many things.

Speaking of outgrowing things brings up the issue of aging. I'm 56 now. Part of me is stunned! It just happened so fast.

On another level, getting older is such a delight. This past weekend in Finksburg I sat by the back door window and watched leaves fall from the trees. I thought about how like human life that is. We spend a good deal of our life growing, accumulating information, possessions, habits, ideas, beliefs...
Then one day you realize that a gear has shifted, almost without noticing. Gradually, possessions, ideas, beliefs, habits, are reconsidered, and many slowly float away, like a discarded leaf in a gentle breeze. You lose your physical agility and gain mental and emotional agility. What a trade off. Actually, it's a good trade-off. I wouldn't go backwards. I wouldn't trade what I know now for a body that can do whatever I want it to with pain-free ease.

Another Birthday

My birthday was Monday and I was 56. I got birthday greetings from all the people I hold dear in my life, except for one, and it will dawn on him next week some time and then he’ll call me (and it’s ok).

In addition to birthday greetings I had a most wonderful gift. It came in two parts. The first part was the trip to Atlanta to see H.H. Dalai Lama teach and speak. The second part came this past weekend when F and I traveled to Finksburg MD to visit with our good friends Christi and Sue. Lori and Dwight agreed to house and animal sit (again), so we could travel with a clear mind knowing all would be well at home. The weather was wonderful. There was enough of Autumn’s beauty left to marvel at, and our friend’s home was big, and comfortable, and rural, and relaxing to be in.

I have seen pictures of their new home but nothing could have prepared me for seeing it in person. The house sits on a little over an acre in a rural farm community. There are houses near by but not on top of one another. A short distance down the road is a farm with beautiful, almost majestic looking Angus cows. The whole area is littered with horse farms, dairy farms, and tree farms. It’s so dark and so quiet at night – I can’t remember when I’ve heard such stillness. It really makes me long for a country life.


The house itself looks very modest from the outside. Once inside you realize how big the house is, how well laid out it is, the beauty of the cherry wood floors, the crown molding, the upgrades and renovations that were done to bring the almost 50 year old house into the new age. All the appliances are new, the windows are new, and the view is open and serene. I recognized about half of the furniture from their other home here in Jax, but it was in new places, with new compliments and looked very different. I felt like waves of relaxation slowly washed over me. I think my shoulders were 2 full inches lower by the time we left.

Their house has a wonderful, partially completed basement. There’s a huge room with a TV and an area where Sue works on her mosaics. There are a variety of utility rooms and some nice but unfinished sections of the basement as well. The best place is an oddly shaped room that Christi has converted into a shrine room. She calls it a meditation room, but it is far more than that. Again, I’d seen photos, but they could not convey the sense of what a calm, quiet, space that Christi created. One of the highlights of the weekend was practicing silent sitting meditation, Chenrezik and Amitabha with Christi in her shrine room. It was so nice to share that together.

Christi and Sue are both kind and generous friends and they treated us to everything! We had several lunches out at delicious and unique restaurants. Christi did big cooking, which means big clean-up – all of it delicious, and we spent quiet evenings chatting and watching TV. Sunday evening we watched a DVD of HH Dalai Lama’s teaching at KTD Monastery in Woodstock. The talk was 90 minutes and it took us about 150 minutes to get through it. We kept stopping and discussing parts of it. It was really good to do that as a group. That’s something we really haven’t done in the past.


Other things we did were play with the little teckles that we miss so much, visited an apple orchid and bought apples, and jams, and other things, went to Eldicott City ate, walked, explored shops, visited Westminster, drove through the 2 block town of Finksburg, went to an art store in Towson, went to the COW, which has the BEST frozen custard I’ve had since the 70’s in NYC, drove around small towns in the region soaking up the rural sights and lusting after the beautiful land and flagstone homes, drove by Sue’s job, and drove down near Baltimore to where Christi works.

If that all wasn’t enough, Christi made me a wonderful birthday dinner of roast chicken stuffed with goat cheese, garlic mashed potatoes, fresh spinach sautéed in olive oil and garlic, and a home made birthday cake with white cake and the best chocolate butter cream frosting I have ever had! And after all that, I got cards and gifts to boot. I was really overwhelmed by the generosity of them both, and warmed by their affection.


There were sad times as well. Sad to leave, sad when I first saw Sue because it hit me how much I’ve missed her, sad to be in such a beautiful place that is so close (1 hour 45 minutes by air) and yet so far away. I was sad to feel how much I’ve missed the landscape of the north and the variety of trees and hills and mountains. Sad because I know they will never come back to Jacksonville. They will live far away for a long time. Sad, but happy too.

It was a memorable trip and a great gift!


All photos by C. Cripps

Memorable Photos

I still have no time to write but I have a few minutes to post some photos. All were taken by my friend C. Cripps.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama in Centennial Park in Atlanta GA giving a public talk. He is waiting to be introduced.

His Holiness speaking to the crowd of thousands on a rainy day.

Clio and I and Christi and I hanging out at Clio's loft.

This was a most memorable experience. Having Frankye, and Christi and of course, Clio, with me there made it VERY special. I feel I haven't taken it all in yet. I felt so much emotion during the weekend that it was hard to feel calm and take in all that was taught. I think this was the most generous gift I have ever been given and I can't thank my friend Christi enough for that. When I can I will dowload the teachings that have been posted by Emory and listen again to His Holiness' teachings.

The Merton Reflection for the Week of October 15, 2007

My own peculiar task in my Church and in my world has been that of the solitary explorer who, instead of jumping on all the latest bandwagons at once, is bound to search the existential depths of faith in its silence, its ambiguities, and in those certainties which lie deeper than the bottom of anxiety. In these depths there are no easy answers, no pat solutions to anything. It is a kind of submarine life in which faith sometimes mysteriously takes on the aspect of doubt when, in fact, one has to doubt and reject conventional and superstitious surrogates that have taken the place of faith. On this level, the division between Believer and Unbeliever ceases to be so crystal clear. It is not that some are all right and others are all wrong: all are bound to seek in honest perplexity. Everybody is an Unbeliever more or less! Only when this fact is fully experienced, accepted and lived with, does one become fit to hear the simple message of the Gospel-or any other religious teaching.

The religious problem of the twentieth century is not understandable if we regard it only as a problem of Unbelievers and of atheists. It is also and perhaps chiefly a problem of Believers. The faith that has grown cold is not only the faith that the Unbeliever has lost but the faith that the Believer has kept. This faith has too often become rigid, or complex, sentimental, foolish, or impertinent. It has lost itself in imaginings and unrealities, dispersed itself in pontifical and organization routines, or evaporated in activism and loose talk.

Thomas Merton. "Apologies to an Unbeliever" in Faith and Violence. South Bend, IN: University of Notre Dame Press, 1968: 213-214.

A good weekend. Sangha on Saturday morning, an enriching experience, as always. Good home time with F. I rented 2 movies on Saturday and we watched both Georgia Rule and Thief of Time. We liked them both. Sunday I did some houswork. It took several hours but it has really helped get the house back in control. F spent good time organizing the kitchen. She did good and it adds to the feeling of things in control. Last night we watch the Milarepa DVD. It was quite good.

This coming week is special. C is coming on Fri, I think in time for she and I to have lunch together (maybe at India Restaurant), and then spend the evening together. Saturday morning we 3 head out early to go to Atlanta. We will see Clio (YEAH!) and attend events Sat, Sun, and Mon related to H.H. Dalai Lama's visit to Emory University. Sat night we will attend the Tibetan Mystical Arts performance. Sun morning we will attend a teaching by His Holiness to Buddhist practitioners and then Mon afternoon we will attend the public talk in Centennial Park. We will return to Jax on Tues. It may be the only time in my life to see His Holiness. He is aging and has announced his coming retirement, though he has given no date. What a gift to see him. A special gift from C who is making it all possible. Exciting stuff!

I am still reading Karma Chakme's Mountain Dharma and really, really learning a lot. Some tidbits...

Buddha cannot remove your karma. Only you can remove your karma in reliance upon Buddha.

The only point of studying buddha-nature is to be inspired to practice Dharma, because it is the practice - not the knowledge - that reveals our buddha-nature and enables us to obtain buddhahood.

No one shapes us except our own afflictive emotions - our attachment, anger, ignorance, pride, jealousy and greed.

There is a long chapter on karma that is the most detailed explanation and description of cause and effect I have ever read. It is quite good.

I haven't done any artwork lately, and it's ok. I am journaling, and reading, and enjoying my favorite television programs. I am reading mysteries, and dharma, and meditating, and praying, and attending sangha, working, and feeling well balanced. Homelife has been very good. F and I have found a place where mutual respect and common courtesy rules and it is very easy going. Something we haven't always been successful at. But we are now and that is what matters and what we need to remember that we know how to do.

What a week! I had a wonderful trip to my sister's. I spent time with her, that we haven't had together in a long, long time. She is the best medicine in my world. I love her dearly. I met and spent time 4 days in a row with my new grand-nephew, Conner. He is BEAUTIFUL and such a good baby.

I spent time with my niece Diana and my other grand-nephew, Zack! He's 4 now and smart, and beautiful, and well-mannered. Diana has a hard way to go but she does right by her son. It takes a lot of courage and hard work to do that as a poor, single mother.

I also got to watch the Yankees lose the playoffs to the Cleveland Indians. It didn't matter to me that they lost, it was just so good to watch Yankee games. I love baseball.

I went to work yesterday and then right to KTC for a board meeting. We met until 10 and I'm tired today. I am so glad I decided to not step away from the board at this time. I really wanted to. But I needed to stay and I'm so glad I did.

more later

If I had better knees...and it wasn't pouring rain outside...and I wasn't sitting at my desk at work...I'd skip down the street. I'm so excited that at this time 2 days from now I will be in a jet flying up the east coast to NY. I will have 5 full days with my sister and I am thrilled about it.

I have really been feeling like getting away for a little bit. Aside from a few trips to my parent's home (which are never stress-free) I haven't been away since the trip to NM in April. That was such a wonderful trip. I not only have fond memories of the trip and the time there with F, C, and Q, but I have a longing to go back - a longing that is deeper than my original desire to see NM.

I haven't been to my sister's since April 2004. I went for my nephew's wedding. It was a wonderful weekend, but crowded with lots of family and activities. The time before that was as a surprise to my sister for her 50th birthday. Again, a short trip stuffed with family and activities. This trip is planned around no family reunions, celebrations or rituals. I will visit with other family, like our newest member Conner, but aside from that, Bren and I will hang out and rest. I'm bringing 2 novels, a dharma book, and a couple of mags. We'll talk for hours and hours, eat healthy meals, sleep in, enjoy the yard (beautifully landscaped by my brother-in-law) and weather, and visit Conner (more than once, I'm sure).

When I return we will be home for 2 weeks when C arrives and we travel to Atlanta to see His Holiness the Dalai Lama at Emory University. As if that wasn't the best of the best, Clio will also be there and we will spend time with her. We'll then be home another 10 days when we fly to Maryland to spend some time with C & Q at their new home. F has been there already, and loved it, but this will be my first time. I will celebrate my 56th birthday while there. The trip is a generous birthday gift from C & Q. So much good stuff to look forward to.

I've have worries, too. I'm worried about my friend Laura, who recently lost her dad. I haven't seen or talked to her and I don't want to infringe on her privacy. F and I drove by their house the other day to see if they were in, but they weren't. She will resurface when she is ready, but I miss her and know this is a sad, difficult time for her.

I'm worried about the trees around the house continuing to fall and the damage they will do. Last Wednesday, a neighbor's tree broke and fell on our fence and knocked down a portio of the fence and crushed the gates far beyond repair. It's been raining most days since then and we haven't been able to buy replacements and fix it until we had the tree and trunk removed. We were blocked on the property unable to take our cars out but gradually have had the tree cut up and removed. Today after work I am going to Home Depot to purchase a new gate and F and I will put it up tonight or tomorrow night. What I really fear is one of the big old oaks that surround the house will fall on the house and create a disaster. It is with sadness that I look back on the days of carefree apt. living.

I'm worried about the health and well-being of my teacher and pray for his return to good health and a long life.

I have other worries, too, but nothing that couldn't be cured by some home made Skotch broth and fresh pressed apple cider! Hmmmmm, I wonder where I could get some of that.....

I am reading a very thought provoking book called Karma Chakme's Mountain Dharma as taught by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche. It's really a wonderful book of Buddhist teachings, and Rinpoche presents it in a very simple way for us western learners. The teachings are 5 volumes and to date 2 have been published. Volume 3 is schedule for the end of this year and volumes 4 and 5 are scheduled for release in 2008. It will probably take me that long just to finish volume 1. I know I'm not dense (well, actually I don't know that) but it does take me a long while to absorb this completely new way of seeing life and the world and reality. I need to munch on each point for quite a while, like a cow chewing her cud. The hardest part is to see it as it is, and not through my own cultural references. Is that possible? Yes, but it's damned hard.

Negative, negative, negative....for my pap, the biopsy, and the ultrasound. More about this later.

I woke up tired, sunburned, feeling good and energized. I took an inventory of why I felt so good after having had none of the things this weekend I usually crave: sleep, uninterrupted alone time to watch my favorite reruns on TV, watching football, playing SNOOD or WORD WHOMP on my computer, scrolling through dozens of art blogs on-line, and napping. Instead, I participated in the KTC Jax Meditation-thon.

The Meditation-thon began Friday night at 5:00 p.m. in Memorial Park and ended Sunday night in Memorial Park at 5:00 p.m. The entire event wasn’t in the park. As a matter of fact, half of it was held at our center, with an opening program of Chenrezig sadhana on Friday night and all night meditation Friday and Saturday nights. In addition, one of our members led a midnight Chenrezig sadhana at the center Saturday night/Sunday morning. This was all in celebration of the United Nation’s International Day of Peace. It was an honor to be a part of it. And I was only a very small part of it.

But what I did that made me feel so good was break my pattern. Instead of feeding my craving for mindless activities I believe I deserve to indulge in, I meditated more, chanted more, spent more time with like-minded people, contributed something to the world – if only a wish and a prayer for peace, spent time talking, listening, laughing, watching meditation, listening to birds, squirrels, and people playing in the park, talking to strangers, playing with a dog, talking and visiting with friends, and being outdoors in the sun. I drank lots of water, ate nutritious and delicious Viet Namese vegetarian food prepared by the daughter of a sangha sister, and enjoyed fresh fruit. I took good care of my body and I fed my inner life. The only thing tired at the end of it was my body, and 9 hours out in the sun will do that to anyone. I feel renewed by the whole experience and am so glad I participated. It was a gift to me.

Credits

1. Photo of the Meditation-thon by EMILY BARNES/The Times-Union

2. International Day of Peace Poster by the United Nations

I'd really prefer to ignore what I'm going to write but I'm not ignoring it, I just haven't written about it up to this point. So I might as well write about it.

I have recently been going through some medical tests to determine why I had a post-menopausal period after 7 years. I got the blood results first and they were fine - even better than fine - they were very good. I went to a GYN, who I really like, and she did a biopsy of my uterus and scheduled me for a transvaginal ultra-sound, which I've also had. I have not yet received the results of these 2 tests.

I was buoyed by the blood test results and in general do not feel overly concerned about having uteran cancer, except that while all this is also going on I have been so fatigued as to be in pain at times, just from exhaustion. I am not anemic, or deficient in anything that would cause fatigue. I get a good night's sleep every night, and have been able to nap several times a week. My morning's start off ok and I feel energized. About 3 in the afternoon I feel like I hit a wall and I have to sleep. I admit to having fallen asleep at work on several occassions, right here in my little cubby.

I am scheduled to see the GYN again next Wednesday to get results from the babopsy and the ultrasound. I'm sure it will be fine and then I won't have anything to ignore. For now.

I'm ignoring the relevance of the date.

This picture of me and my sister was taken this past weekend in Delray Beach. We were there to celebrate our mother's 75th birthday. My sister and I had planned a dinner party at a nice Italian Restaurant and it included 14 family members traveling from Jacksonville, New York, and Sarasota.

Was it a surprise to my mom? Yes. But it was more of a surprise to my dad, my siblings and me that my mother was such a difficult bitch about the whole thing. Thirteen of us were absolutely thrilled to be there together for something as celebratory as a 75th birthday, and not a funeral. Knowing my mother, she will be difficult during her own funeral because it won't go down the way she wants it to.

But I'm not writing this blog about my mother. I'm writing it about my sister.

I absolutely adore my sister. If I have a truly best friend in this world it is my sister. She know's me better than anyone. I know her for her entire life. She knows me for all but the first 15 months of my life. She has seen me at my lowest point and she has seen me slowly recover. She's always been in my corner rooting for me.

I ALWAYS feel good when I am with Brenda. I can talk to her easily. We share very similar memories about growing up. We spent the first many years of our lives together, sharing a bedroom, being paired off as the "girls," treated alike, regardless of the age and school grade difference. While we are only 15 months apart, we were 3 school grades apart. My sister had to follow after me in school and got the "oh, no, you're not like your sister, are you?" treatment. She wasn't like me. She's very different.

In some ways my sister's not as smart as I am, nor as educated, or streetwise, or as curious about the world around her, but she is much smarter about living than I am. While she has suffered too, she has a built in tendency toward balance in her life. She chose her spouse well, and they have been married for 35 years. It's the smoothest marriage I have ever witnessed. They have not been without challenges, for they have had heartbreaking challenges. But they have always faced them together, with no division between them. They don't bicker. They enjoy each other and a quiet, but active life. They have friends, two of whom are their closest friends and have been since their teen years. They have just become grandparents for the first time.

I envy the ease with which my sister has approached her life. She had many of the same obstacles as I and yet was clear about what she wanted and what she didn't want. She stood firm in her determination to achieve her goals. I, on the other hand, never could see past my own nose and pain to create goals. And if I had, I doubt I would have had the confidence to strive for them, let alone accomplish them.

The thing that makes me feel best about my sister is that she reminds me on a fairly regular basis that I am her big sister. I am someone she looked up to while growing up. It was my bed she ran into at night when she was frightened by storms or shadows, or yelling. It was my hand she reached for when we were little and she was scared. It was my face she looked toward for comfort and reassurance when one of our parents were beating the shit out of us or each other. If was me she turned to when our mother would make her so angry all she could do was cry.

Brenda has always let me know that I am important to her too. That I am as loved by her as she is by me. She is the best medicine this life has to offer me. I can't imagine a world without her in it.

Words of the First Bardor Rinpoche

All my disciples who depend on me:
One: Don't call the three jewels to witness
Your rash declarations and schemes.
Two: Don't argue about tenets.
Three: Don't be obsessed with this life.
Four: Don't brag about anything you've done.
Five: Don't always talk about others' faults.
Six: Don't meditate on the difference between friends and enemies.
Seven: Don't be greatly attached to stuff.
Eight: Don't disregard causality.
Make these eight your constant yidams.

Other than this I have no advice.
If your devoted affection is not weak you are never
Separated for even an instant from your father guru.
We've met before; we'll meet again.
We'll keep on meeting as long as we live.

-from "Treasury of Eloquence: The Songs of Barway Dorje," translated by
Yeshe Gyamtso, KTD Publications, Woodstock, NY, p. 31

....you get what you need...

I'm signed up to the Beliefnet Buddhist Wisdom listserv and everyday I get a message in my email box with some pearl of Buddhist wisdom. Some of them go over my head. I particulary have trouble with the ones that deal with higher teachings on emptiness and suchness. Most of them are nice and understandable and are mildly interesting. Every once in a while I get one that hits me where I live. Today, I received one of those. It's worth passing on to those who don't get Buddha in their email.

Whatever attitudes we habitually use toward ourselves, we will use on others, and whatever attitudes we habitually use toward others, we will use on ourselves. The situation is comparable to our serving food to ourselves and to other people from the same bowl. Everyone ends up eating the same thing--we must examine carefully what we are dishing out.

~ Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness"

I know that is not about food, but (not) speaking of food...

I am trying to be more conscious of my eating because it has gotten way out of control of late. I've also lost a lot of bloat in the past several days so I feel more myself again. I am very struck by how much I am obsessing about food today. In general, on any given day at work, I can eat my way around the office (but don't). Many people here have candy bowls on their desks and everyone is free to dip. I also contribute $$ to one woman who has a nice candy dish right near the back door -- so many people stop and dip. Well, today I have't dipped in anybody's dish. But I sure am thinking about it. I think instead I will eat a small raisin snack I brought to work with me. I've also just finished a large cup of green tea. But I want more of that as well.

So here I am at another beginning, trying to follow a food plan. Not a diet. A food plan that includes regular food, but no sugar (candy) noshing. No late night high caloric deserts. No mega-sized portions for dinner. After all, my pouch is only the size of a large thimble! And more veggies and salad. Because there is so much contraband around here it is often easier for me to eat healthier and lower calories on time off from work. I mostly eat my lunch in the office these days and that has lessened my intake but has also reduced the amount of salad I'm eating.

I think the next time I have surgery for my eating disorder it should be brain surgery.

But back to Buddha. I liked today's words of wisdom. It is easy for me to point at the behavior of others as the source of my pain or discomfort than it is for me to see that perhaps I am my own pain. When I can remember that I am getting what I'm giving it is easier for me to focus on me and how I am treating myself as well as others.

The other side of that is it is easier to be patient and gentle with the ill-behavior of others when I can remember that they are causing themselves the same pain as they are causing me. That they are in pain and putting it out and need compassion and kindness to learn how to treat themselves better.

Can a student be a teacher? Only a true student can be a teacher. Can a submissive be a Dominant? Only a true submissive can be a Dominant.

It's Sunday but I wish it were Friday night. I had a particularly taxing week last week at work and I am still exhausted from it. I have today to slug it out and then begin another week of fun at the start of the school year!

I've been so busy and so tired in the evening that I haven't written in my journal since last Monday morning! That is very unusual for me.

I seriously considered resigning from my position on the KTC board this week. I feel like I'm not paying enough attention to it, or doing it 100% the way it should be done. I feel detached and fragmented from it. My work life and home life and physical health have been so engaging and all consuming that I haven't had the energy mentally or physically to do my sangha service well. And it has felt more like obligation than service. None of that is ok with me.

We had a board meeting yesterday and I was going to inform my fellow board members that when my term was up (Nov.) I was not going to run for treasurer again. Then I woke up with a thought yesterday morning that seemed to come out of nowhere. While I was fretting about how I was going to bail out on them I had this thought that I needed to move KTC up on my priority list and do it right. That's what needed to change, not terminating my commitment.

When we had the Board meeting MDT asked that each of the Board members run for office again if at all possible. We all agreed to run for another 2 year term. I will move my commitment up to allow energy, time and clarity to do the best I can to ensure the finances of the sangha.

Needless to say, in all this busyness I haven't done any artwork. I haven't done any gardening - more from the 90+heat/90+humidity we are experiencing than anything else. I haven't worked in or cleaned my studio. I haven't cleaned my nightstand in the bedroom, which has prevented F from cleaning the bedroom. I feel like a logger jam. And I'm just too tired to do anything about it.

I have 2 MD appts next week. One with my GP and another with a new GYN. I'll have blood drawn Fri and hopefully can determine if I am anemic (I really feel like I am) and if something else is going on. I've been taking B-12 vitamins (about 2500mg a day, + my liquid vitamins, + Goji juice) and I still can't get a feeling of being built up. I'm bloated and retaining water like crazy and have been since before my period started. This morning I took a dhiaretic. Clear a path to the loo - I hope to be going all day long.

Now that I've written this big whine and my health complaints, I feel like an old fart. I got a haircut this week and I am grayer than ever, the sides pure white now and the top more salt than pepper. Oy, will I ever really get it going? My life, I mean. Will I ever have the opportunity to take a deep breath without already working on the exhale? I guess what I always imagine is that I will get there when I'm retired. I will have the time then to do my life more slowly, more deliberately. I know that is not the answer. The answer is do it now. Eliminate the wasteful time and energy eaters in my life and add in slower, deeper breaths.

"Never complain, never explain." ~~Attributed to Benjamin Disraeli, Jennifer Jones, Henry Ford II, Katherine Hepburn, Dorothy Parker and others

"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence." ~~Publilius Syrus, 1st Century B.C.

Sympathy Fertility

This has been a busy week. At work we are moving closer and closer to the start of school on August 20th. Our teachers started back today, working to get their classrooms ready for the new children. Today 20 of us met for lunch in Starke to say goodbye to a loved co-worker who is moving on to another job. She's a wonderful, wonderful teacher, but really needs a break. She's had tough classrooms for the past 2 years and that added to the fatigue of being a teacher for many years, just burnt her to a crisp. So while I will miss her very much, I'm happy she has found something else, some other way to give to her community.

Last weekend friends were visiting and it ended on a rather stressful and sad note. The stress and sadness has lingered throughout the week. Change is so painful. It often feels insurmountable. It is unavoidable. It is the greatest source of growth but I hate the pain of it. My own and the pain of others. The week has ended more painfully than the weekend did.

Throughout the weekend and the beginning of the week I waited in excited anticipation for the birth of my nephew's first child. He arrived Wednesday morning and is doing really, really well on this, his 3rd day back on earth. I felt such joy and such relief that this baby was healthy. Unfortunately, their first pregnancy did not go well and the fetus was determined to have severe spina bifida. There was a lot of anxiety for me about this pregnancy because of it. But all is well and I am so relieved.

So relieved, in fact, that I celebrated Joe and Karen's fertility by having a full blown period 7 years after my last period. I am in my mid 50's and began menopause at about 45. I thought I was done, or certainly on the last side of it. For about 10 days I have felt like I was retaining water, my breasts have been sore, and Thursday I had bad cramps. Low and behold, by thursday evening I was bleeding, just like the old days. Today it was worse. I will go to a gyn asap because this can be more than just sympathy fertility I am experiencing. It could mean there is a problem.

While it's been a good week on many fronts, it's been a difficult and at times trying one on other fronts. And now it's the weekend.

New Family

Daddy Joe with his first born.

Grandma, grandpa, and Uncle Richard with mom and baby.

Conner Joseph born 8-8-07 by c section, weighing 9 lbs 4 oz and 21" long.

I've Been Tagged

I was tagged by Nadiyya

The Rules
1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.


I love to be home with my partner, Frankye, quiet, enjoying each other and our animals

I love to look at art and make pictures

I love to sing, and do when I’m alone and listening to the radio or CD’s in my car

I have been clean and sober for 31 years

I do not always like my memories

My sister is my favorite person on this planet

I don’t care about a lot of things that used to be of extreme importance to me

I have a dream of retiring and travelling the US and Canada in a trailer with my partner and dog(s)

"My only fear of death is reincarnation"

lyric from No More Pain by Tupac Shakur, written by DeGrate, Donald Earle/Smith, Clifford/Diggs and Robert F

Wanting

So there is no misunderstanding, this blog is about me, and only me. I am talking out loud to myself, not preaching or giving messages to others.

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
No, you can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

The lyrics to an old Rolling Stones song go through my head on a pretty regular basis. It is a refrain I am familiar with both lyrically and experientially. It happens all the time to me. Sometimes I am the person experiencing the “no” and sometimes I’m delivering the “no.” Other times I am just witnessing someone not getting what they want. All three views are difficult.

I guess the reason I like the song is that it ends on a hopeful note “…but if you try sometime you find you get what you need.”

F and I had guests this weekend. We hadn’t been together for 4 months and we were looking forward to a reunion. For the most part it was very enjoyable. Good to be with one another, good to laugh together. But by the end of the weekend I felt sadness. I felt sadness for me, sadness for F, sadness for my friends. Things change, life changes, people we love change. People we love make difficult decisions that enhance their lives and we make decisions that enhance our lives. They are not always mutually beneficial.

One of my friends questioned if her attachment was wrong. Attachment isn’t wrong. Attachment is painful. That is the lesson of the Buddha. How do you let go of suffering? Let go of attachment. But it’s hard to do and it means not getting what you want. We westerners don’t have a lot of experience with that. We have so much and want so much more. The wanting grows. Even when the desire is periodically fulfilled, it doesn’t last. If we buy everything we want, manipulate everything we want, steal everything we want, we will be left wanting more, something newer, more attractive, a new itch to scratch, a new person to play with.

I’m looking at what I want and questioning why I want it, what will it do for me, what will I get from it, how long will I be satisfied with it? On more than one occasion I have wanted, wanted, wanted something, enough to save or sacrifice, or throw caution to the wind and get it for myself, only to cast it aside, sometimes the same day, as though the act of purchase itself was where the satisfaction was. Using it or consuming it had no relevance to satisfaction.

I am sorry to say I have done this in the past with lovers. Passion and sexual tension drove me to woo and court someone, only to find that the wooing and courting was far more satisfactory than the relationship I sought.

So what, if anything, is the moral of all this? Attachment is suffering, painful, and breeds disappointment and desire, which in turn breeds more suffering. It’s a ring of fire, and there is no way out but to step outside the ring. That’s frightening and painful in itself, but the promise from the Buddhas is that the suffering subsides.

Where to begin? Where I was left. With a sense of sadness that no matter what I wanted or was attached to it could not be fully possessed by me and would not satisfy my desire. Hanging on tighter won't get it. Letting go of it won't get it either, but it will make the suffering go away. I didn’t get what I wanted, but I got what I needed.

This has been a pretty good week so far. Things are going well at work. I am in a good space as far as how much I have to do before school starts again. I've gotten the big things done. Still have lots to do but most of it is behind me.

Things at home have been good. I haven't done any yard work since last week. It's been very, very hot out and I've been getting home near 7 pm. Tonight I'm going to try to get in earlier although it is already 5:15 pm and I have to stop at the supermarket first.

Today is August 1st and that is a day of sad memory for me and Frankye. Frankye's father died on August 1st, 1944, 5 months before she was born. My grandmother died on August 1st, 1985 at age 79 and my friend Ed died in 1991 at age 46. Such a long time for them all. My nephew Joseph and his wife Karen are expecting their first child any minute now. It would be nice to have something beside loss to remember August 1st for.

Filling the Vessel

This has been a good weekend. I've enjoyed practice with my sangha, lunch with a friend, physical activity, reading, socializing with 2 good friends, ballet - live performance, sleep - including 2 naps, TV watching, enjoying Frankye's company, learning how to use Photoshop - suceessfully at times, playing with our dogs...

What could be better than to "fill up" before starting another work week?

The other really good thing I did for myself this weekend was NOT watch the news. More and more I am realizing that watching the news keeps me in a state of anxiety, anger, and fear. There is nothing I need to know happening out "there" on a day to day basis. If there was something really earth shattering happening, information would get to me without my having to watch it on TV. More importantly, the news, whether real or media manufactured, is a distraction and diversion from the real issues and responsibilities of my life. One of those responsibilities is to keep my mind focused and clear. How else to be able to pray for the suffering of the world?

Speaking of suffering, I heard a blurb for an upcoming news program that 2 more American service men were killed in Iraq over the weekend. The pain this causes their families must be monumental. I don't know these people yet I whince when I hear this news. There is so much unavoidable pain in this world caused by the nature of the material world. Why do humans create more suffering and pain, when it is so avoidable?

I read recently that shame is referred to as the "master emotion." It is considered the underlying "push" emotion that motivates our decisions and behavior. Is it shame that keeps us in this war? Is it shame that keeps this administration on this path of war? Are they shamed by no weapons of mass destructioned and forging ahead anyway? Are they motivated by the shame of being wrong and the need to find something, somewhere that will justify attacking another sovereign country and wreaking havoc on its people? Is it shame at what we, America, has done to the people of Iraq that keeps even smart, level headed people from standing firm to get out now? The excuse that we have to fix what we have broken as a justification to keep 150,000 soldiers on the ground is not valid. It just creates more pain and more suffering and more shame.

See why I am staying away from the news? Just that little blurb takes me away from what is really important in my life right now. Not that my head should be stuck in the sand. Watching TV and getting lost in events on the other side of the planet is living with my head in the sand. If my mind is there, it is not here.

A Smile

The Tunnel

Every once in a while I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The operative phrase there is 'every once in a while.' The other times, the majority of times, I am seeing only the darkness of the tunnel. Is that a flaw in my character? Can I change that by merely changing 'my mind'?

I question it because I don't know if I am seeing the real future or seeing my fears of the future. My fear, my biggest fear is that my senior years will be lived out like my father's. I feel as though I have been putting on hold the kind of life I want to live for my whole life. I've wanted to be free of attachments. I know the teachings, both Buddhist and Hindu, are that you don't need to give up the material world to give up your attachment to it. Maybe I am just in the waking to awareness stage of just how attached I am. I feel it all as burden. I can't give freely to anyone because I see giving as a burden right now.

I'm not by nature a selfish person. I have a natural impulse to give. I have a natural impulse to care and love. Right now it feels like too much. It is as if I'm starving and someone is trying to take my last piece of bread. I know I should give it to them, they are hurting, it is the loving thing to do. I do give it, but with resentment. That is not ok. That is not giving. That is actualized guilt.

So I move on, through the tunnel, but still in the tunnel. I'm looking for the light that will show me the way out but I am not seeing it just yet. I will keep on keeping on.

A Word to the Wise Not Heeded

On January 17, 1961, outgoing President Dwight D. Eisenhower made a speech, referred to as the Military-Industrial Complex Speech. Here is an excerpt from that speech:

Until the latest of our world conflicts, the United States had no armaments industry. American makers of plowshares could, with time and as required, make swords as well. But now we can no longer risk emergency improvisation of national defense; we have been compelled to create a permanent armaments industry of vast proportions. Added to this, three and a half million men and women are directly engaged in the defense establishment. We annually spend on military security more than the net income of all United States corporations.

This conjunction of an immense military establishment and a large arms industry is new in the American experience. The total influence -- economic, political, even spiritual -- is felt in every city, every State house, every office of the Federal government. We recognize the imperative need for this development. Yet we must not fail to comprehend its grave implications. Our toil, resources and livelihood are all involved; so is the very structure of our society.

In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.

We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together.

Well, that warning was not heeded and now America has a government that goes to war because it has an industry for making war. Add to that a former top executive of the major defense contractor profiteer sitting in the seat of the most powerful Vice Presidency in the history of the United States, and you have exactly what President Eisenhower warned against.

But what is the face of the Military-Industrial Complex? By what name does it go by?

Dick Cheney is an easy choice for poster boy for the Military-Industrial Complex. He has been in government service most of his career, except for the period of time that Bill Clinton held the office of President. During that time period Cheney served as the Chairman and CEO of the Halliburton Corporation. The very same corporation that received an unbidded contract from the federal government to provide civilian services to the military for the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. That unbidded contract has reaped billions of dollars in revenue for Halliburton.

During that same hiatus from government service, Cheney co-founded the The Project for the New American Century, "a non-profit educational organization dedicated to a few fundamental propositions: that American leadership is good both for America and for the world; and that such leadership requires military strength, diplomatic energy and commitment to moral principle." Look what comes first and what comes last in that list.

So, I declare that the face of the Military-Industrial Complex, will in my mind be embodied as Richard Cheney, Vice President of the United States of America. Our own Manchurian Candidate.

Looking Back At Ya

It seems to be a pleasant enough morning. It's amazing how the scenery has changed so rapidly. We didn't have rain for so long and everything was in one phase or another of dying. Our grass not only turned brown but it actually disappeared in large areas. Fallen leaves covered most of the ground area.

We've now had about 3 - 4 weeks of rain several times a week. There are huge tufts of green grass all over the place. Plants I trimmed weeks ago are blossoming and thickening. A small little plot of land that I put wild flower seeds in is now covered in small green seedlings. I checked on the bird feeders yesterday and found that some of the seed on the flat tray has begun to sprout. The trees are full of fresh green leaves. It all looks so lovely.

more later...

These Eyes

Sometimes I wish I had a magic wand and could just right things that had gone askew. Instead, like a bystander on a subway platform, I watch as the train batters in and out of the station. I can’t stop it. If it were running someone over, or leaving someone behind, I could do nothing about it.

Life is that way. We live alone, but with company. No one on earth could possibly know my experience. They can see parts of it but they can’t know it. Not even Chang and Eng Bunker could live each other’s experience, even though they were attached their whole lives.

There are 6 billion people living on this planet at the same time as I and yet I feel a deep well of loneliness. We are not family, even when related. We are a collection of 6 billion solitary human beings simultaneously experiencing something we call life. We can observe the external response of others but that is as deep as it gets. That makes for a lonely feeling, or sometimes a welcome sense of relief, as others seem to be having a more difficult time than I.

I'm sometimes distracted by what I observe and fool myself into believing that it's our experience. But it's not, and I always come back to this place of recognition that no one sees out of these eyes but me.

How Creative Are You?

You Are 85% Creative

You are an incredibly creative person. For you, there are no bounds or limits to your creativity. Your next creation could be something very great... Or at least very cool!

How Creative Are You?

Yadda yadda yadda....

commitment

Homeland Security

I was watching TV this morning and heard Sally Field talk about Boniva. She said, “I have this one body, and I have this one life…”

That got me thinking about this one life. I thought about Sally and how she had chosen celebrity. She is an actress. She’s a good actress. She chose to express her art on a wider media, not the stage, thereby insuring a wider audience, and fame, if she succeeded. Both of which, she has achieved. Sally’s decision means she bought into the dominant culture to some degree; probably to a large degree.

I, too, have bought into the dominant culture. I don’t pursue fame or fortune. Yes, I’d like more money, but I don’t sacrifice for it and accumulating wealth is not high on my to-do list. It never has been. But I sacrifice some happiness and personal freedom for the dominant culture.

I let fear rule my life. Unlike in my youth, I am less afraid today of physical violence, and more afraid of not having enough in old age. I’m afraid if I don’t stay in the rat race, I won’t have a retirement of comfort, which I think I’m entitled to. I’m afraid I will be working well into my 70’s, which may happen no matter how conformist I am.

Breaking this down I first come to the belief in “entitlement.” In life, there is no entitlement. Does a lion in the jungle feel entitled? Does a squirrel in my yard feel entitled? Do they feel they’ve earned the right to be fed by me or all the other life surrounding them? So I have bought into the culture of work hard and long and someday you can sit and just play. I feel entitled.

In America, a retirement of leisure is a 20th century addition to our culture. It began with our grandparent’s generation, but has really blossomed for our parent’s generation. But it’s a fluke. The opportunity for that to continue has already been dismantled. Yet my generation still functions as if we will have the golden years our parents have. And I am right on board with them despite knowing it won’t happen that way.

I’m 55 and more and more I think about my present instead of my future. I fear the future and that keeps me living my present as it is. The world is becoming a more volatile place, economically, violently, and ecologically, yet I keep on the same path like a horse with blinders on running a race toward a cliff.

Sometimes I sit in my chair at home and I look at my surroundings and I feel no attachment whatsoever to any of it. I wonder sometimes what stops me from getting out of the chair and getting in my car and driving away, forever. Other times, I feel so safe and comfortable here that I can’t feel the madness in the world that surrounds me, as if they were two separate entities.

Someday I may decide to make a radical change. That doesn’t mean I won’t go to work. It doesn’t mean I will move. It doesn’t mean I will do anything different other than clinging to the fear as a justification for how I live my life. Or it may mean physical change. Either way, it will require living my life outside the confines of culture, regardless of how that culture changes or what the culture dictates.

Tidbits

I had a nice quiet weekend. I went to the hospital both days to visit with Lori. We haven’t had time to hang out for hours just chatting or being together for years now. There are usually other people around or we just meet at a restaurant or her house for lunch during our work week. While I would have preferred to spend time in a place other than a hospital, I was glad I was able to spend time with her as long as she had to be there. Hopefully, she will be released today.

A funny thing happened the other day. I was getting ready in the morning, showered, washed my hair, cleaned my ears with Q-tips, put on deodorant, installed teeth, went through my usual ritual. Before leaving the bathroom I tidied up, putting the towel to dry, wiping the sink, securing the toothpaste, tossing the q-tip into the trash, lighting a match. My usual routine. I thought I had used 2 q-tips but only one was consciously trashed, the other, I assumed, had been ‘unconsciously’ tossed in the trash.

I went into the bedroom and gathered my clothes. I sat on the bed and put my socks on and then my underwear. As I stood up to pull up my underwear, low and behold, a Q-tip head was peaking out of my navel. “Hmmmm,” I said to myself, “so that’s where it went!” It was then, like the previous Q-tip, consciously trashed.

I’ve been keeping up with the Dick Cheney “I-do/I-do-not-have” Executive Privilege regarding documents in the Vice President’s office and his assertion that the Office of the Vice-President “is/is-not-part” of the Executive Branch. This man is the most obnoxious, corrupt person that has ever been a heart-beat away from being called Mr. President. Why hasn't he been indicted for something? He has, in the past, claimed executive privilege when he didn’t want to turn over documents of activity in his office as relates to the Valerie Plane exposure, and also claims he is not part of the executive branch and therefore exempt from the order governing the handling of classified information. Make up your mind dip shit!

There is something bothering me. It is a partial deja vu experience I've been having. let me explain.

In the summer of 2001 the BIG news story of the day was the disappearance of Chandra Levy and her affair with Congressman Gary Condit. The media hammered this story during the summer of "no other pressing news" to death. Every news program had the latest news (which was nothing) about the case and every cable news channel had program after program of talking heads specualating on whether Gary Condit killed her, hid her, impregnated her, etc. This was like an incessant drum beat throughout the summer, through to September 11, 2001. It wasn't spoken about again after the terrorist attacks. When Chandra Levy's body was found a year after she disappeared, it did not receive front page headlines.

There was plenty of horror to report on for months and months after 9/11. Then came the wars, Afghanistan first and then Iraq. Then came the devastating tsunami in southern asia, killing hundreds of thousands in a moment. Then came Hurricane Katrina, the devastation, and the absolute apathy and ineptitude of FEMA. Then came the lull.

The news media thinks that Americans aren't interested in war talk so they rarely explore that reality extensively. The Bush administration is betting that without the visuals of flag-draped coffins returning to America, words alone aren't graphic enough to rile Americans to pay attention to the details of the war. So we have a small percentage of our TV news coverage devoted to the wars.

The deja vu eperience comes from the inordinate amount of time and media coverage given to the absolute bullshit life of Paris Hilton. If I was Osama bin Laden, I'd be thinking that America was not paying attention. Our president and vice-president are so absorbed in keeping their inadequate and illegal activities from becoming the new scandal. Paris Hilton is being treated as if she were an important part of our culture and we are held in rapt attention to her trials and tribulations. 20 people are running for an election that isn't even happening for another 17 months. What a great time to knock down another building or drop a dirty bomb on a Washington street. Will it take another terrorist attack on American soil to stun the media out of their tabloid mentally?

Nature Watch

The wild life around the house often fascinates and amuses me.

Despite the current news that common birds are dying off at alarming rates in America, there seems to be an abundance of birds living around Little Pottsburg Creek.

I recently cleaned and refilled the bird feeder on the side yard. I can watch from my seat in the den as birds approach, land and nibble. Last Saturday I did some pruning there and left the half full contractor's bag in the yard. This morning I realized I left the bag too close to the bird feeder. I watched with amusement as an industrious squirrel used the half filled bag as a springboard to land on the bird feeder. When he first landed the birds nibbling on the feeder flew off, but in less than a minute they returned, munching seeds side by side with the squirrel. There's something so sweet about watching birds eat from a seed feeder. It's engrossing too. It's like watching a fire in the fire place.

In another part of the yard I put out dried corn on cobs in a special feeder for the squirrels. Last time, I put two cobs in the feeder that usually holds one cob, because the cobs were small and I was able to fit two in. The squirrels love these treats and go through them pretty rapidly.

This morning as I was holding the door open for a very slow Ally B. to jump up into the house a cleanly stripped corn cob fell out of the tree right in front of the door. One of the little squirrels must have pulled out that extra cob and brought it up into the tree. I looked from the kitchen window to see that there was only one cob left in the holder, and that too had been stripped.

I enjoyed a nice quiet evening last night. I watched some TV, retired at 10:30 and read until 11:10. Except for a 2 a.m. wake-up by Allie B. to be released from the bedroom for a sip of water, I slept well. We all arose at 6:15, fresh as daisies. Even Yeshe who has been nursing a bad back of late had a little more zip to his exit from bed this morning.

Hopefully, I will find out today if I will get a new assignment at work. Either way, I just want the decision to be made so I can move on. Not that I've been sitting around idly waiting for them to decide. It's just that having something out there and waiting beyond the date I was told a decision will be made is a little nerve wracking.

Wednesday. Hump day. Almost ready to head off to work. Maybe I'll write more later.

2:00 P.M.
I was informed this morning that I wouldn't be getting the new assignment. And it is ok. Not without disappointment, but ok. So now I am busily preparing my goals for this coming year, in this position. They're due soon.

Fryday

That is a play on words, but it is how I usually feel at the end of my work week. Fried. It's not that my job is so hard. It's that my job is a lot of work, and I care about getting it done. But I dont fight this job, my co-workers or management. That would be too much. And I wouldn't have lasted here for 10 years if I did.

This has been a week. A milestone yesterday, a push to write more in this blog and in my journal. A commitment to myself to explore my feelings more. A commitment to read another novel. Getting household chores done. Getting and sending a Father's Day gift. Yeshe being injured and slowly recovering. My mother changing her mind 3 times in a week about when she was going to come by to visit. F not being able to decide if she is actually going to go away next week or not. Trying to turn vegetarian while slowly becoming anemic and craving rare beef. Fighting fatigue that comes with middle age.

Last week I applied for a new position here. Today I had the interview. It went well. I think I'm very qualified for it and probably won't get it. It could be a paycut although I asked that I not be offered the job if it were going to be a pay cut. I should know by Monday. But I enjoyed the interview process so much that it almost doesn't matter if I get the job or not. I would like to but if I don't, it'll be ok. I did good.

I'm gonna go home now. The little cub is having dinner sent to the house. No cooking. No clean-up. I want to do yard work, rest, read, sleep, and hang out this weekend. Not sure what F has after work tomorrow but a movie would be in good order. I want to see "Ocean's 13" because it looks like fun and I can look at handsome men.