Life is a journey

It's Sunday but I wish it were Friday night. I had a particularly taxing week last week at work and I am still exhausted from it. I have today to slug it out and then begin another week of fun at the start of the school year!

I've been so busy and so tired in the evening that I haven't written in my journal since last Monday morning! That is very unusual for me.

I seriously considered resigning from my position on the KTC board this week. I feel like I'm not paying enough attention to it, or doing it 100% the way it should be done. I feel detached and fragmented from it. My work life and home life and physical health have been so engaging and all consuming that I haven't had the energy mentally or physically to do my sangha service well. And it has felt more like obligation than service. None of that is ok with me.

We had a board meeting yesterday and I was going to inform my fellow board members that when my term was up (Nov.) I was not going to run for treasurer again. Then I woke up with a thought yesterday morning that seemed to come out of nowhere. While I was fretting about how I was going to bail out on them I had this thought that I needed to move KTC up on my priority list and do it right. That's what needed to change, not terminating my commitment.

When we had the Board meeting MDT asked that each of the Board members run for office again if at all possible. We all agreed to run for another 2 year term. I will move my commitment up to allow energy, time and clarity to do the best I can to ensure the finances of the sangha.

Needless to say, in all this busyness I haven't done any artwork. I haven't done any gardening - more from the 90+heat/90+humidity we are experiencing than anything else. I haven't worked in or cleaned my studio. I haven't cleaned my nightstand in the bedroom, which has prevented F from cleaning the bedroom. I feel like a logger jam. And I'm just too tired to do anything about it.

I have 2 MD appts next week. One with my GP and another with a new GYN. I'll have blood drawn Fri and hopefully can determine if I am anemic (I really feel like I am) and if something else is going on. I've been taking B-12 vitamins (about 2500mg a day, + my liquid vitamins, + Goji juice) and I still can't get a feeling of being built up. I'm bloated and retaining water like crazy and have been since before my period started. This morning I took a dhiaretic. Clear a path to the loo - I hope to be going all day long.

Now that I've written this big whine and my health complaints, I feel like an old fart. I got a haircut this week and I am grayer than ever, the sides pure white now and the top more salt than pepper. Oy, will I ever really get it going? My life, I mean. Will I ever have the opportunity to take a deep breath without already working on the exhale? I guess what I always imagine is that I will get there when I'm retired. I will have the time then to do my life more slowly, more deliberately. I know that is not the answer. The answer is do it now. Eliminate the wasteful time and energy eaters in my life and add in slower, deeper breaths.