Talking

I was talking to my therapist today, recounting all that has occurred in the past two weeks. I was amazed at how much had happened: I'd been out of town for 3 1/2 days visiting my parents, was told that my parents wouldn't be moving here, accompanied Frankye to the hospital for surgical removal of questionable skin lesions on her body, had lunch with Lori - first time since May, visited my ex and was amazed a how differently we now live, was moved out of the private office I had at work and into a cubicle, and endured the relentless media blitz of the 5th anniversary of 9/11/2001.

It wasn't until I discussed all the other stuff that I was able to talk about 9/11, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the grieving I am still doing about the destruction of the trade towers and the massive loss of life - then and now. Part of my grieving included Hurricane Katrina and the lack of response to citizens in dire circumstances and life threatening conditions. We talked about it being cummulative and not just in the past five years or so. But in the course of my life, the history I have witnessed or participated in that has left scars that silently sunk into the texture of who I am now at age 54.

I talked about remembering a time when I believed that survival at all costs was the most important thing. I talked about what it felt like to have given that up - to instead consciously wanting to not survive a horrific attack or devastating natural occurrance. I asked if she thought I was depressed. She said no. She said she thinks that cumulative grief layers on top of one another. She said no one can grieve 9/11 because we went to war so quickly afterward and there has been so much death and violence since then. That coupled with the horror of the tsunami, followed by Katrina, has created layer upon layer of grief and sadness that can't be healed. The times we live in are so volatile that there is no time in between horrors to grieve and heal and adjust. That sounds right to me.

What I am left with is simple joy at the simplicity in my life. I like the quiet dirt road I live on. I enjoy being around the animals that live with us. I enjoy Frankye and the routine we have settled into. I like my job. I like my friends and the laughter we always enjoy together. I like the 9 year old car I drive, the dirt around the house, the high trees that house many birds, squirrels and raccoons and the quiet at night when wildlife is settling in. I enjoy painting and drawing in my sketchbooks in the evening while listening to the television or talking with Frankye. When I pass out of this life someday I will go with no regrets and missing nothing. I am already holding on to it all less tightly.

Thomas Merton On War

I listened to our illustrious president last night. His speech to the nation on the 5th anniversary of 9/11 was an infomercial for the Iraq war. Nothing he said justifies this war. Nothing he said convinced me that the threat of Saddam and terrorism is taken seriously in Washington. The actions and the way the war is being carried out is testament to that. The war exists to fulfill other priorities (nameless and unknown) and other agendas. The cynic in me believes that to be solely monetary. It is probably more true than not. I have long believed that America's goal is not to spread democracy, but to spread capitalism, with America as the chief producer of goods for sale.

But again, I am a cynic when it comes to this administration and capitalism and big business.

I include a quote from Thomas Merton on the morality of war, and the motives for going to war. Am I cynical, or is this just the way it is?

“Hence it becomes more and more difficult to estimate the morality of an act leading to war because it is more and more difficult to know precisely what is going on. Not only is war increasingly a matter for pure specialists operating with fantastically complex machinery, but above all there is the question of absolute secrecy regarding everything that seriously affects defense policy. We may amuse ourselves by reading the reports in mass media and imagine that these “facts” provide sufficient basis for moral judgments for and against war. But in reality, we are simply elaborating moral fantasies in a vacuum. Whatever we may decide, we remain completely at the mercy of the governmental power, or rather the anonymous power of managers and generals who stand behind the facade of government. We have no way of directly influencing the decisions and policies taken by these people. In practice, we must fall back on a blinder and blinder faith which more and more resigns itself to trusting the “legitimately constituted authority” without having the vaguest notion what that authority is liable to do next. This condition of irresponsibility and passivity is extremely dangerous. It is hardly conducive to genuine morality.”

~~From Passion for Peace: The Social Essays of Thomas Merton, edited by William H. Shannon (The Crossroad Publishing Company, New York, NY, 1995) pages 113-114.

Avoiding September 11th

I'm avoiding writing about the 5th anniversary of 9/11 by publishing this meme (ripped off from Mad Organica.)

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "When his group finished boot training, Rauschenberg told the"

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can...what do you touch first? 8 auspicious symbols banner

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? JAG

4. WITHOUT LOOKING, what time is it? 5:30 pm

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 5:32 pm

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? NPR, women in my office talking

7. When did you last step outside? 2:05 pm

8. What are you wearing? a tie-dye company t-shirt, black pants, black shoes

9. When did you last laugh? Earlier in the afternoon when Cameshea told me Hazel can spell 2 words, her own name and the word pool

10. Seen anything weird lately? the remembrances of 9/11 - just because it is 5 years

11. What did you dream last night? Who knows?

12. What's on the walls of the room you're in? I'm in my cubicle at work and there is maroon fabric on the walls. I have some photos, a painting of mine, a pic of the Buddha, a metal sun, a pic of XVII Karmapa's caligraphy...

14. What do you think of this survey? It beats writing about 9/11

15. What's the last film you saw? Silverado

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? Lots of free-time - no more working for a living.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know. I don't know who you are so how would I know what you know?

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change? I would change humans to be evolved beyond violence of any kind

19. Do you like to dance? Yup

20. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Sarah

21. Boy? not sure, but not Joseph

22. Would you ever consider living abroad? If the USA became unliveable

I'm outta here............

A Stack of Journals