I've been reading a really good book. The kind of book you want to savor. I read every word, and sometimes over and over.

The book is The Snow Leopard by Peter Matthiessen. It is a day by day account of his on foot journey through Nepal and Tibet. He describes in beautiful detail the flora, fauna, and animals he encounters. But it's his own inner journey, his own yearning to uncover his core being that is so riveting.

It's the kind of book that has me question my own intelligence, depth, sincerity, and the value of my life as I've lived it so far. I can't help but think of how I wasted years of opportunity and roads not taken because of self-doubt, fear, and concern for what others think.

I had my own "walking tour" in 1972. After fleeing a drug rehab I hitched and walked through the south. It lasted a little over 2 months. It changed my life. I could not have returned to rehab and recovered from drug addiction had I not been on that journey. I would not be sober over 3 decades had I not been on that journey. It is what I saw, what I felt, the values and traditions I grew up with that I questioned for the the first time in my life. Once I questioned the narrow parameters of the Italian Catholic traditions and values I was raised in, I was able to expand my interest in the world.

Unfortunately, it took me long past my physical capability to lose the fear that kept me locked into the "place" I have existed in. As much of an eye opener and "aha" it was to leave the city and wander out into the other America, it would have been so much more had I actually left America and taken a walk on another continent. This is the lost opportunity I refer to.

For many years after my own local trek, I was physically strong and capable of such an undertaking. I was sober. I was unencumbered by a home, a relationship, a desire for physical comforts. What I lacked was courage to act on it. I lacked true desire. I lacked cognisance of emotional and mental growth, and maturity. I lacked confidence in my intellect and inner strength. I allowed fear to rule the decisions I made about my life. Fear of the unknown. Fear of living too much out of the mainstream. Fear of getting lost - irretrievably lost. Fear of dying before I even knew I was alive.

Being alive is a process of dying. Each moment dies as we live it, and we can only know what we lived from a look back perspective. Everything I know is the past. I know absolutely nothing else.

There's a wonderful little chapter in Matthiessen's book about his 8 year old son. He recounts observing his child in a moment of oneness with his environment. He attaches the observation of his child to his own yearning for presence as participant in the world. We humans tend to observe from offstage, even when we might be center stage. The only way to live is to not watch myself living.

I know that I don't need to walk another continent. I know that I did it the way I did it because that was the way I could do it. I know that I can achieve presence anywhere, anytime. I know that I achieve this every single day, if only when I am sleeping. I know that I have a desire to continue on this path. Not just for this life but for all subsequent lives.

It is nice to read how someone else has done their inner journey. I highly recommend this book to anyone who questions the value of their own life. AND it's also just a beautifully written book.

COUNT MY VOTE

I sent an email with this message to the Democratic National Committee this morning:

My commitment to the Democratic Party is this: If the Rules Committee does not seat every delegate from the FL Primary I will NOT vote in the Presidential election in November.

It is my commitment to the Democratic Party that causes me to refuse to allow it to be as reckless and as disregarding to the America voting process as the Republican party is.

Anything less than seating ALL delegates undermines and punishes the voters. If you do not want and count my vote in the primary, you can not have it in the general election.

Nothing to add to that.

Moved From a Distance

I have been closely following the activities of H.H. Karmapa since his arrival in the U.S. last week. KTD has been generous in posting photographs of the Karmapa's agenda while at his main seat in North America. Several bloggers have been diligent in posting snippets of talks, his personal disclosures, his humor, and the rituals His Holiness is engaging in.

The most moving parts of what I have read involves His Holiness' comments on his reaction to NY, his feelings about Americans and America, and recalling when he first met Americans when he was 8 and thought they were strange looking. It is His Holiness' embrace of Americans and New York that have moved me to tears.

I have not been in NYC since 9/11/01. I just have not been able to go. I've visited my sister several times since then, each time purposely flying into MacArthur Airport and avoiding the aerial view of NYC. 9/11/01 broke my heart in many ways. I've seen photos and clips in films of the NY skyline without the WT towers, and each time it is as if the empty space were lit in neon. It is always, "what's wrong with this picture?"

It is not the buildings that matter. I have always believed that the buildings would come down. I just never imagined it would happen in such a violent, deliberate way. That one incident has left me vulnerable and homeless in a sense. The thought of going to NYC is unsettling, as if I would be going to a strange land. I don't want to see the remnants of the bombs (that's what the jets were - flying molitov cocktails). I don't want to see armed military protecting citizens in the streets, ala Tel Aviv. I don't want to see the changed landscape of NYer's eyes.

But now I have a new thought. A new image. The image of His Holiness Karmapa at ground zero. The image of His Holiness strolling through the contemporary art wing of the Met. The image of His Holiness at Tibet House. These places have become holy to me now. As if going would be akin to making pilgrimage to holy sites in India. I know that sounds sappy, but for me it is the first candle lit in the darkness that has been NYC since September 11th, 2001. My healing is beginning now.

On His Holiness Karmapa's visit blog today there are lovely pictures of his visit to museums in New York. The most touching post and photos were his visit to Ground Zero, where he presented flowers at a closed shrine, and signed and wrote this aspiration in the guest book (translated from the Tibetan):

Through peaceful hearts,
Peaceful feelings,
And peaceful intelligence,
May this world truly move
From darkness to light.

His Holiness visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art and after visiting a number of galleries, requested to be taken to the contemporary art gallery. The blogger noted that His Holiness was particularly taken with the Pollock's and the Rothko's.

I really understand that. To see the large Pollock's in a gallery space is an emotional experience. The same with Rothko. When you stand before those large paintings, they take in all your vision, including your peripheral vision. The painting is all you see. It becomes reality. And because there are no focal points in either artist's work, the essence of the color field is the experience.

Saturday

I've had a very pleasant day so far. I slept well - till 8:26 in the morning!!!! I woke rested and ready for my day.

I went to Sangha practice this morning. It was an abreviated practice due to a life release Lama Khandro did to remove obstacles for all our Sangha traveling to New York to see His Holiness Karmapa. We released worms. She purchased them at a bait store and in rescuing them and then releasing them, it not only saved their lives, but perhaps the lives of fish these worms would have been used to catch. Lama Khandro read a very good rational for life release and what an important and profound practice it is. The worms were in containers and placed on the Rinpoche's puja table. The Lama did some prayers over them, and placed little discs of "stuff" she had made (the same substance used to make tormas), they had previously been placed on the shrine and were blessed.

We had our monthly pot luck lunch after practice, and Kim and Cathy provided a wonderful meal. Lama Khandro led us in a prayer of blessing, and then a plate was prepared as an offering and placed on the shrine while the rest of us ate. After the shrine was closed the food was removed and I wrapped it up and brought it home. When I got home I released a container of worms in the lot next door, and spread out the food (tsok) for wild life to feed on.

Afterward, I went to Chamblin's Book Mine and traded in some books. I did a little browsing and got a book by Alexandra David Neel called Initiations and Initiates in Tibet, a drawing book that I had checked out at the library and really liked (and looked for on several past visits to Chamblin's), and a small little gem I found called The Watercolor Handbook. This little book examines watercolors done by the Masters, such as Van Gogh, Cezanne, Klee, Delecroix, and others. It's a very interesting little book. I paid no money and still have over $25 credit for a future visit. I love Chamblin's. I don't know the last time I got books from there that I actually paid cash for.

Between Sangha and Chamblin's I spoke to F twice, spoke to C, bought gas, and had the car washed. I did some cleaning outdoors, rummaged through my studio for a new moleskine, and played with the dogs outside for a bit.

Once inside, I looked at email then read for a while, currently reading The Wisdom of Solitude by Jane Dobisz. She is a Zen Buddhist Master. The book is about a 100 day retreat she did alone in winter in a 150 sq. foot cabin in New England. It's an easy read, but delightful. I identify with her fears and her apprehension. I'm enjoying it. As always, on Saturday, a nap was enjoyed.

An Auspicious Day

Today is an auspicious day in America. His Holiness the 17th Gyalway Karmapa arrived in New York today for his first ever visit to the U.S.

There is a blog that has been set up called His Holiness the 17th Karmapa's 2008 U.S. Visit. Daily postings of activities and photos began today and will continue throughtout His Holiness' visit.

This is a photograph of His Holiness being greeted by children at the airport. He arrived this morning from India and made his way into Manhattan. A number of people from my local Sangha will be attending one or more of the events. I will not - this time. I am staying home and will watch from afar. I look forward to my friends return and hearing their stories and seeing their photos.

Returning

It is mid-May now. The Winter months have gone by quickly. The days have just rolled into weeks, which have rolled into months. I guess that's what happens when you're busy. I have been too busy.

Now that I've returned to blog, I haven't much to say. And perhaps that's why I've stayed away for 2 months from blogging. I haven't had anything to say. I'm too busy doing, and when I'm not, I'm trying to have quiet restful time. I don't always succeed.

When I left off blogging in January, I was very taken up with the Democatic primaries. I have spent most of this time very engaged in watching the process. I've maintained a commitment to Sen Clinton despite the likelihood of her not getting the nomination from the Democratic party. I am still unsettled about Sen. Obama. In Nov I will have 4 choices: vote for Sen Clinton for President, or for Sen McCain, or not vote for anyone, or vote for Sen Obama. I might not know exactly which one I will do until election day.

I have done no artwork beyond doodling in my journal in this time period. I miss it but have not had the energy to do any. When I've had downtime I've been too tired to do anything but rest. So much lost opportunity. A casualty of age, I think. But perhaps it's also the gift of age. What's wrong with just being? I put on myself that I should be "doing" when I need only to just be.

In this time period I've read a number of books. Several mysteries, the newest Robert Parker Jesse Stone book, the latest in the #1 Ladies Detective Agency series, The Nine by Jeffrey Toobin, and most recently, Pico Iyer's new book on H.H. Dalai Lama called The Open Road. I've recently ordered a few used books for very little money on-line. One by Peter Matthiessen, one by Rick Fields about the history of Buddhism in the West, and another one I can't remember right now.

I've been enjoying reading, doing a daily crossword puzzle or two, and playing scrabble on line. Those things, meditation, thinking, working, practice, and chanting, are how I have spent my time. Occassional family visits, time with my friend Lori, Dwight, my animals, activities with Frankye. And that's it. Our friends moved last year and they are ensconsed in their new lives. We keep in touch but gone are the weekly lunches or dinners out. Gone are the afternoons at Borders reading magazines, giggling, drinking coffee and eating sweets. Gone are the dinners at each others houses with all the teckels in tow. I miss them but am very pleased at the satisfaction they feel for the life they have now.

So that's my blog. I hope to write more often now that I've started again.