Life is a journey

I've been reading a really good book. The kind of book you want to savor. I read every word, and sometimes over and over.

The book is The Snow Leopard by Peter Matthiessen. It is a day by day account of his on foot journey through Nepal and Tibet. He describes in beautiful detail the flora, fauna, and animals he encounters. But it's his own inner journey, his own yearning to uncover his core being that is so riveting.

It's the kind of book that has me question my own intelligence, depth, sincerity, and the value of my life as I've lived it so far. I can't help but think of how I wasted years of opportunity and roads not taken because of self-doubt, fear, and concern for what others think.

I had my own "walking tour" in 1972. After fleeing a drug rehab I hitched and walked through the south. It lasted a little over 2 months. It changed my life. I could not have returned to rehab and recovered from drug addiction had I not been on that journey. I would not be sober over 3 decades had I not been on that journey. It is what I saw, what I felt, the values and traditions I grew up with that I questioned for the the first time in my life. Once I questioned the narrow parameters of the Italian Catholic traditions and values I was raised in, I was able to expand my interest in the world.

Unfortunately, it took me long past my physical capability to lose the fear that kept me locked into the "place" I have existed in. As much of an eye opener and "aha" it was to leave the city and wander out into the other America, it would have been so much more had I actually left America and taken a walk on another continent. This is the lost opportunity I refer to.

For many years after my own local trek, I was physically strong and capable of such an undertaking. I was sober. I was unencumbered by a home, a relationship, a desire for physical comforts. What I lacked was courage to act on it. I lacked true desire. I lacked cognisance of emotional and mental growth, and maturity. I lacked confidence in my intellect and inner strength. I allowed fear to rule the decisions I made about my life. Fear of the unknown. Fear of living too much out of the mainstream. Fear of getting lost - irretrievably lost. Fear of dying before I even knew I was alive.

Being alive is a process of dying. Each moment dies as we live it, and we can only know what we lived from a look back perspective. Everything I know is the past. I know absolutely nothing else.

There's a wonderful little chapter in Matthiessen's book about his 8 year old son. He recounts observing his child in a moment of oneness with his environment. He attaches the observation of his child to his own yearning for presence as participant in the world. We humans tend to observe from offstage, even when we might be center stage. The only way to live is to not watch myself living.

I know that I don't need to walk another continent. I know that I did it the way I did it because that was the way I could do it. I know that I can achieve presence anywhere, anytime. I know that I achieve this every single day, if only when I am sleeping. I know that I have a desire to continue on this path. Not just for this life but for all subsequent lives.

It is nice to read how someone else has done their inner journey. I highly recommend this book to anyone who questions the value of their own life. AND it's also just a beautifully written book.