Youssif, who suffered a near fatal bomb attack in Iraq, is in the U.S. for extensive plastic surgery on the damage done to his face. Doctors may be able to erase most of the scars from his face, but no one can erase the scars on our souls for being a part of this.
Saying it out loud. Writing it down. This is how I make commitments. It is when I know what commitments I am truly ready to make and keep.
Today some co-workers were talking about Christmas, and shopping, and decorating. After much chattering and silence on my part, I was asked what I do to prepare for the holiday. I replied that I do not celebrate Christmas. That is the first time I have really said that out loud, though Christmas has stopped being a meaningful time for me many, many, years ago, long before I converted to Buddhism. It's been within the last 5 years that I have fallen out of the excitement of the commercial holiday of Christmas, as well.
It's been a very long time since I have been able to call myself a Christian, though I tried to resurrect that belief when I first moved to Jacksonville and joined F's church. Had she and L not been there, I never would have gone, or stayed as long as I did. I remember the day I was made a member. I had to say that I believed Jesus was God. I didn't believe that at all. F wanted me to be a member and when I discussed it with her before hand she said not to worry about it, maybe I would come to believe again in time, or maybe it didn't really matter.
I don't mean to besmirch the name or memory of Jesus. I believe there was a historical Jesus. I believe he was more politically relevent than religiously relevent in his time. I do not believe he was/is divine. I do believe he had a message of love and peace and compassion. I believe he was kind hearted. I believe he was a bodhisattva. I believe he would mock what is done in his name today. I believe he would not consider himself a Christian either given the way his teachings have been ignored or twisted.
So, now it's in writing as well. I've said it out loud and I've put it in writing on the world wide web. I'm not a Christian. I don't celebrate Christmas. I celebrate my friends and family. I celebrate our annual gathering of a special meal, enjoyed together, with small gifts exchanged as a way of expressing affection for one another. That's it. That's the whole of it for me. No need to decorate for that. No need to spend a fortune and go into debt to do that. No need to feel stress, or guilt or pressure to do it right.
So now, with Thanksgiving this week, and Christmas following a month later, I am ready to enjoy what there is to enjoy from the holidays: my friends, my family, time off to relax, special cooking, special eating. A respite more than a celebration.
I had a good weekend. Balanced. Sangha. Meditation. Reading. Family time. Alone time. Recreation. Football. Lunch out. Dinner ordered in. Sleep. Rest. Socializing. Reflection. Study.
I am still studying Karme Chakme's Mountain Dharma by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche. It is so wonderful. The book is a teacher. The book embodies what Karme Chakme taught, and what Khenpo Karthar taught.
Here are a few notes I've made while reading the book:By abstaining from criticizing people, it is possible that you may be accumulating positive karma, but even if you are not accumulating anything positive. It is definite that you are not accumulating negative karma.
Enlightment is becoming aware and clear about everything, developing the wisdom state of our mind.
What makes a human life meaningful? It is protecting the roots of your 3 vows: individual liberation, Bodhichitta, and samaya (committment to the Guru, to the practice, and to the sangha.
Mara is anything that obstructs the practice of Dharma and seduces you into abandoning your practice in favor of worldly activities.
Most of the Buddha's teachings of the 4 Noble Truths are an explanation of karma.
Virtuous actions which are not dedicated to the awakening of all beings are very fragile and can be quickly exhausted.
I had a good week. Another 3-day work week. I could get used to these easily. I am just getting an inkling of the work of my new position. After 10 years of working within the same dept. and becoming knowledgeable of that federal grant, I have to learn a whole new one. It's new people to get to know and different tasks to learn, though the skills needed to do them are the same. It should be fine.
I began to read about buddhism over 7 years ago. This coming January will be 7 years since I took refuge. It is only recently that I feel my commitment to practice developing and growing. It takes a long time for me to transition from intellectual curiosity to sincere interest to a seed of belief to commitment. This is the first time since I have been affiliated with KTC that I can actually see the growth. It encourages me to keep on.
I thought this blog on Buddhism and tattoos was interesting. I have a tattoo on my left bicep of the Om Mani Peme Hung mantra. I don't consider it art but a form of practice. Getting the tattoo is a commitment to Buddhism and to the mantra in its written form.
I am trying to think through not worrying too much about the future. I worry about things like: what if I lose my job? what if I lose my home? what if I get sick? what if I have an incapacitating accident? These are useless worries. Useless because it doesn't matter what the answer is. Whatever will happen will happen whether I worry about it or not. The very worst thing that can happen to me is that I die. And that is the one thing that I know will definetly happen. So what's to worry? It is just an old habit that's difficult to break. I have outgrown it, as I have outgrown many things.
Speaking of outgrowing things brings up the issue of aging. I'm 56 now. Part of me is stunned! It just happened so fast.
On another level, getting older is such a delight. This past weekend in Finksburg I sat by the back door window and watched leaves fall from the trees. I thought about how like human life that is. We spend a good deal of our life growing, accumulating information, possessions, habits, ideas, beliefs...
Then one day you realize that a gear has shifted, almost without noticing. Gradually, possessions, ideas, beliefs, habits, are reconsidered, and many slowly float away, like a discarded leaf in a gentle breeze. You lose your physical agility and gain mental and emotional agility. What a trade off. Actually, it's a good trade-off. I wouldn't go backwards. I wouldn't trade what I know now for a body that can do whatever I want it to with pain-free ease.
My birthday was Monday and I was 56. I got birthday greetings from all the people I hold dear in my life, except for one, and it will dawn on him next week some time and then he’ll call me (and it’s ok).
In addition to birthday greetings I had a most wonderful gift. It came in two parts. The first part was the trip to Atlanta to see H.H. Dalai Lama teach and speak. The second part came this past weekend when F and I traveled to Finksburg MD to visit with our good friends Christi and Sue. Lori and Dwight agreed to house and animal sit (again), so we could travel with a clear mind knowing all would be well at home. The weather was wonderful. There was enough of Autumn’s beauty left to marvel at, and our friend’s home was big, and comfortable, and rural, and relaxing to be in. 
I have seen pictures of their new home but nothing could have prepared me for seeing it in person. The house sits on a little over an acre in a rural farm community. There are houses near by but not on top of one another. A short distance down the road is a farm with beautiful, almost majestic looking Angus cows. The whole area is littered with horse farms, dairy farms, and tree farms. It’s so dark and so quiet at night – I can’t remember when I’ve heard such stillness. It really makes me long for a country life.
The house itself looks very modest from the outside. Once inside you realize how big the house is, how well laid out it is, the beauty of the cherry wood floors, the crown molding, the upgrades and renovations that were done to bring the almost 50 year old house into the new age. All the appliances are new, the windows are new, and the view is open and serene. I recognized about half of the furniture from their other home here in Jax, but it was in new places, with new compliments and looked very different. I felt like waves of relaxation slowly washed over me. I think my shoulders were 2 full inches lower by the time we left.
Their house has a wonderful, partially completed basement. There’s a huge room with a TV and an area where Sue works on her mosaics. There are a variety of utility rooms and some nice but unfinished sections of the basement as well. The best place is an oddly shaped room that Christi has converted into a shrine room. She calls it a meditation room, but it is far more than that. Again, I’d seen photos, but they could not convey the sense of what a calm, quiet, space that Christi created. One of the highlights of the weekend was practicing silent sitting meditation, Chenrezik and Amitabha with Christi in her shrine room. It was so nice to share that together.
Christi and Sue are both kind and generous friends and they treated us to everything! We had several lunches out at delicious and unique restaurants. Christi did big cooking, which means big clean-up – all of it delicious, and we spent quiet evenings chatting and watching TV. Sunday evening we watched a DVD of HH Dalai Lama’s teaching at KTD Monastery in Woodstock. The talk was 90 minutes and it took us about 150 minutes to get through it. We kept stopping and discussing parts of it. It was really good to do that as a group. That’s something we really haven’t done in the past.
Other things we did were play with the little teckles that we miss so much, visited an apple orchid and bought apples, and jams, and other things, went to Eldicott City ate, walked, explored shops, visited Westminster, drove through the 2 block town of Finksburg, went to an art store in Towson, went to the COW, which has the BEST frozen custard I’ve had since the 70’s in NYC, drove around small towns in the region soaking up the rural sights and lusting after the beautiful land and flagstone homes, drove by Sue’s job, and drove down near Baltimore to where Christi works.
If that all wasn’t enough, Christi made me a wonderful birthday dinner of roast chicken stuffed with goat cheese, garlic mashed potatoes, fresh spinach sautéed in olive oil and garlic, and a home made birthday cake with white cake and the best chocolate butter cream frosting I have ever had! And after all that, I got cards and gifts to boot. I was really overwhelmed by the generosity of them both, and warmed by their affection.
There were sad times as well. Sad to leave, sad when I first saw Sue because it hit me how much I’ve missed her, sad to be in such a beautiful place that is so close (1 hour 45 minutes by air) and yet so far away. I was sad to feel how much I’ve missed the landscape of the north and the variety of trees and hills and mountains. Sad because I know they will never come back to Jacksonville. They will live far away for a long time. Sad, but happy too.
It was a memorable trip and a great gift!
All photos by C. Cripps
