The Tunnel

Every once in a while I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. The operative phrase there is 'every once in a while.' The other times, the majority of times, I am seeing only the darkness of the tunnel. Is that a flaw in my character? Can I change that by merely changing 'my mind'?

I question it because I don't know if I am seeing the real future or seeing my fears of the future. My fear, my biggest fear is that my senior years will be lived out like my father's. I feel as though I have been putting on hold the kind of life I want to live for my whole life. I've wanted to be free of attachments. I know the teachings, both Buddhist and Hindu, are that you don't need to give up the material world to give up your attachment to it. Maybe I am just in the waking to awareness stage of just how attached I am. I feel it all as burden. I can't give freely to anyone because I see giving as a burden right now.

I'm not by nature a selfish person. I have a natural impulse to give. I have a natural impulse to care and love. Right now it feels like too much. It is as if I'm starving and someone is trying to take my last piece of bread. I know I should give it to them, they are hurting, it is the loving thing to do. I do give it, but with resentment. That is not ok. That is not giving. That is actualized guilt.

So I move on, through the tunnel, but still in the tunnel. I'm looking for the light that will show me the way out but I am not seeing it just yet. I will keep on keeping on.