Talking To Myself

I’d like to avoid having this talk with myself today. I’d like to watch tv and the Patriot/Jet game, read, sleep, daydream, do some more reorganizing of the book shelves...and on and on. I’d like to fill my day with things that don’t disturb or worry me. I’d like to do all that everyday between now and February 5th. But February 5th is still going to come, like it or not.

February 5th is the day that Christi needs to be in Baltimore to start her new job. I’m sure she will go up sooner but I don’t have that date as of yet. So in my mind it is February 5th. She and the Q are our, my, very good friends. I think I haven’t laughed as much with anyone in my life, except Tommy G (we didn’t know enough at the time that we were laughing at the wrong things, and he didn’t live long enough to learn that). We always laugh when together. No matter how much pain any of us may be in, after the crying we always get to the laughter, and I will miss that the most of all.

I wish I could say I don’t know how someone could just pick up and leave everything but I’ve done that myself. I did it in 1992 when Lin and I picked up and moved to Ft. Lauderdale from NY. Like Christi, I decided to leave as I was turning 40 and actually moved at age 41. I left family, good friends, a job I loved, an apt that was wonderful, affordable and that I had lived in for 10 years. I left a city I had once loved and thrived in and come to dread but that still held treasures of art, theatre, and an abundance of culture I could lose myself in. But I knew it was time for me to move on and none of the losses mattered as much as moving on. A part of me was dying inside. I didn’t have the inner life I have now. I didn’t have the inner reserve I have now. It no longer matters to me where I live. I don’t think I would have developed in this way if I stayed in NY. No way of being sure of that but I suspect it’s true.

Loss didn’t stop happening after I left NY. There’s been plenty more of it since then. The most devastating I think was the break up of my 12 year relationship 3 years after we left NY. I know now, more than ever before in my life, that loss is a daily occurrence. No way to stop it. Loss is my experience of change. And change is ever present in life and always has been.

So this change I will take in stride also. It will hurt. It will need a period of adjustment. But like the other changes I have lived through it will find its place in my life. For Christi and Sue their move will open opportunities for new things in their lives. New jobs, people, surroundings, experiences. The vacuum their leaving creates in my life will also be filled with new things. I don’t know what they will be exactly but I sense that they will be good things that will continue to enrich my life, inner and outer.

I am ready for this now. I can do this without shutting C & S out and backing off. I can do this and not adjust to their being gone before they actually leave. I can love them and enjoy them now and in the way our relationship develops in the future. I am happy for their upcoming adventure. I know it is a great career move for Christi. It sounds like a perfect fit for her talents and intelligence and I know she will excel in it.

I’m so glad I had this talk.