Wednesday

Hump Day. I will be in a software training at work for the next 2 days. What fun! [grumble, grumble]

I have been getting good feedback from friends on this blog site. I have informed only about 10 friends and family that it exists. It isn't something I want to be "public." For me, it's a journal. Sharing it with family and friends is a way for me to be more revealing about my thoughts and feelings. That's not something I do very easily. It's not my way. I tend to keep thoughts and feelings to myself. I've always considered them too personal to just release them into the ozone. It's something that has been a problem in relationships with family and friends all my life. There are few relationships in my life where I have felt comfortable enough to be 100% open and authentic. I can count them on one hand with digits left over. That is about me, not about any of the people in my life.

What do I mean when I say thoughts and feelings? I mean how I feel at any given moment when not in crisis or turmoil. It's more about the mundane than the dramatic. When provoked into deep or strong feelings, it's easy for me to express them. My thoughts on war, famine, family, or politics are easy to express. My thoughts on the broader topic of life, day-to-day thoughts and images, these are very hard for me to express.

I am reading a lot about the mind. The mind is of central focus in Buddhism. The word mind, in buddhism, is almost synonymous with the word soul, as used in other religions. As a result, I have been spending more time meditating and becoming aware of what goes on in my mind. Sometimes I'm horrified! The fantasies, the self-centeredness, the tape loops! What rubbish. Incredible that there is any time or room for anything meaningful. In Buddhism, thoughts are just thoughts. They all carry the same weight. They are not meaningful, good, bad, etc. They are just thoughts. But the goal is to control the mind, not be controlled by the mind.

Time to go to work.