I've been reading a really good book. The kind of book you want to savor. I read every word, and sometimes over and over.

The book is The Snow Leopard by Peter Matthiessen. It is a day by day account of his on foot journey through Nepal and Tibet. He describes in beautiful detail the flora, fauna, and animals he encounters. But it's his own inner journey, his own yearning to uncover his core being that is so riveting.

It's the kind of book that has me question my own intelligence, depth, sincerity, and the value of my life as I've lived it so far. I can't help but think of how I wasted years of opportunity and roads not taken because of self-doubt, fear, and concern for what others think.

I had my own "walking tour" in 1972. After fleeing a drug rehab I hitched and walked through the south. It lasted a little over 2 months. It changed my life. I could not have returned to rehab and recovered from drug addiction had I not been on that journey. I would not be sober over 3 decades had I not been on that journey. It is what I saw, what I felt, the values and traditions I grew up with that I questioned for the the first time in my life. Once I questioned the narrow parameters of the Italian Catholic traditions and values I was raised in, I was able to expand my interest in the world.

Unfortunately, it took me long past my physical capability to lose the fear that kept me locked into the "place" I have existed in. As much of an eye opener and "aha" it was to leave the city and wander out into the other America, it would have been so much more had I actually left America and taken a walk on another continent. This is the lost opportunity I refer to.

For many years after my own local trek, I was physically strong and capable of such an undertaking. I was sober. I was unencumbered by a home, a relationship, a desire for physical comforts. What I lacked was courage to act on it. I lacked true desire. I lacked cognisance of emotional and mental growth, and maturity. I lacked confidence in my intellect and inner strength. I allowed fear to rule the decisions I made about my life. Fear of the unknown. Fear of living too much out of the mainstream. Fear of getting lost - irretrievably lost. Fear of dying before I even knew I was alive.

Being alive is a process of dying. Each moment dies as we live it, and we can only know what we lived from a look back perspective. Everything I know is the past. I know absolutely nothing else.

There's a wonderful little chapter in Matthiessen's book about his 8 year old son. He recounts observing his child in a moment of oneness with his environment. He attaches the observation of his child to his own yearning for presence as participant in the world. We humans tend to observe from offstage, even when we might be center stage. The only way to live is to not watch myself living.

I know that I don't need to walk another continent. I know that I did it the way I did it because that was the way I could do it. I know that I can achieve presence anywhere, anytime. I know that I achieve this every single day, if only when I am sleeping. I know that I have a desire to continue on this path. Not just for this life but for all subsequent lives.

It is nice to read how someone else has done their inner journey. I highly recommend this book to anyone who questions the value of their own life. AND it's also just a beautifully written book.

COUNT MY VOTE

I sent an email with this message to the Democratic National Committee this morning:

My commitment to the Democratic Party is this: If the Rules Committee does not seat every delegate from the FL Primary I will NOT vote in the Presidential election in November.

It is my commitment to the Democratic Party that causes me to refuse to allow it to be as reckless and as disregarding to the America voting process as the Republican party is.

Anything less than seating ALL delegates undermines and punishes the voters. If you do not want and count my vote in the primary, you can not have it in the general election.

Nothing to add to that.

Moved From a Distance

I have been closely following the activities of H.H. Karmapa since his arrival in the U.S. last week. KTD has been generous in posting photographs of the Karmapa's agenda while at his main seat in North America. Several bloggers have been diligent in posting snippets of talks, his personal disclosures, his humor, and the rituals His Holiness is engaging in.

The most moving parts of what I have read involves His Holiness' comments on his reaction to NY, his feelings about Americans and America, and recalling when he first met Americans when he was 8 and thought they were strange looking. It is His Holiness' embrace of Americans and New York that have moved me to tears.

I have not been in NYC since 9/11/01. I just have not been able to go. I've visited my sister several times since then, each time purposely flying into MacArthur Airport and avoiding the aerial view of NYC. 9/11/01 broke my heart in many ways. I've seen photos and clips in films of the NY skyline without the WT towers, and each time it is as if the empty space were lit in neon. It is always, "what's wrong with this picture?"

It is not the buildings that matter. I have always believed that the buildings would come down. I just never imagined it would happen in such a violent, deliberate way. That one incident has left me vulnerable and homeless in a sense. The thought of going to NYC is unsettling, as if I would be going to a strange land. I don't want to see the remnants of the bombs (that's what the jets were - flying molitov cocktails). I don't want to see armed military protecting citizens in the streets, ala Tel Aviv. I don't want to see the changed landscape of NYer's eyes.

But now I have a new thought. A new image. The image of His Holiness Karmapa at ground zero. The image of His Holiness strolling through the contemporary art wing of the Met. The image of His Holiness at Tibet House. These places have become holy to me now. As if going would be akin to making pilgrimage to holy sites in India. I know that sounds sappy, but for me it is the first candle lit in the darkness that has been NYC since September 11th, 2001. My healing is beginning now.

On His Holiness Karmapa's visit blog today there are lovely pictures of his visit to museums in New York. The most touching post and photos were his visit to Ground Zero, where he presented flowers at a closed shrine, and signed and wrote this aspiration in the guest book (translated from the Tibetan):

Through peaceful hearts,
Peaceful feelings,
And peaceful intelligence,
May this world truly move
From darkness to light.

His Holiness visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art and after visiting a number of galleries, requested to be taken to the contemporary art gallery. The blogger noted that His Holiness was particularly taken with the Pollock's and the Rothko's.

I really understand that. To see the large Pollock's in a gallery space is an emotional experience. The same with Rothko. When you stand before those large paintings, they take in all your vision, including your peripheral vision. The painting is all you see. It becomes reality. And because there are no focal points in either artist's work, the essence of the color field is the experience.

Saturday

I've had a very pleasant day so far. I slept well - till 8:26 in the morning!!!! I woke rested and ready for my day.

I went to Sangha practice this morning. It was an abreviated practice due to a life release Lama Khandro did to remove obstacles for all our Sangha traveling to New York to see His Holiness Karmapa. We released worms. She purchased them at a bait store and in rescuing them and then releasing them, it not only saved their lives, but perhaps the lives of fish these worms would have been used to catch. Lama Khandro read a very good rational for life release and what an important and profound practice it is. The worms were in containers and placed on the Rinpoche's puja table. The Lama did some prayers over them, and placed little discs of "stuff" she had made (the same substance used to make tormas), they had previously been placed on the shrine and were blessed.

We had our monthly pot luck lunch after practice, and Kim and Cathy provided a wonderful meal. Lama Khandro led us in a prayer of blessing, and then a plate was prepared as an offering and placed on the shrine while the rest of us ate. After the shrine was closed the food was removed and I wrapped it up and brought it home. When I got home I released a container of worms in the lot next door, and spread out the food (tsok) for wild life to feed on.

Afterward, I went to Chamblin's Book Mine and traded in some books. I did a little browsing and got a book by Alexandra David Neel called Initiations and Initiates in Tibet, a drawing book that I had checked out at the library and really liked (and looked for on several past visits to Chamblin's), and a small little gem I found called The Watercolor Handbook. This little book examines watercolors done by the Masters, such as Van Gogh, Cezanne, Klee, Delecroix, and others. It's a very interesting little book. I paid no money and still have over $25 credit for a future visit. I love Chamblin's. I don't know the last time I got books from there that I actually paid cash for.

Between Sangha and Chamblin's I spoke to F twice, spoke to C, bought gas, and had the car washed. I did some cleaning outdoors, rummaged through my studio for a new moleskine, and played with the dogs outside for a bit.

Once inside, I looked at email then read for a while, currently reading The Wisdom of Solitude by Jane Dobisz. She is a Zen Buddhist Master. The book is about a 100 day retreat she did alone in winter in a 150 sq. foot cabin in New England. It's an easy read, but delightful. I identify with her fears and her apprehension. I'm enjoying it. As always, on Saturday, a nap was enjoyed.

An Auspicious Day

Today is an auspicious day in America. His Holiness the 17th Gyalway Karmapa arrived in New York today for his first ever visit to the U.S.

There is a blog that has been set up called His Holiness the 17th Karmapa's 2008 U.S. Visit. Daily postings of activities and photos began today and will continue throughtout His Holiness' visit.

This is a photograph of His Holiness being greeted by children at the airport. He arrived this morning from India and made his way into Manhattan. A number of people from my local Sangha will be attending one or more of the events. I will not - this time. I am staying home and will watch from afar. I look forward to my friends return and hearing their stories and seeing their photos.

Returning

It is mid-May now. The Winter months have gone by quickly. The days have just rolled into weeks, which have rolled into months. I guess that's what happens when you're busy. I have been too busy.

Now that I've returned to blog, I haven't much to say. And perhaps that's why I've stayed away for 2 months from blogging. I haven't had anything to say. I'm too busy doing, and when I'm not, I'm trying to have quiet restful time. I don't always succeed.

When I left off blogging in January, I was very taken up with the Democatic primaries. I have spent most of this time very engaged in watching the process. I've maintained a commitment to Sen Clinton despite the likelihood of her not getting the nomination from the Democratic party. I am still unsettled about Sen. Obama. In Nov I will have 4 choices: vote for Sen Clinton for President, or for Sen McCain, or not vote for anyone, or vote for Sen Obama. I might not know exactly which one I will do until election day.

I have done no artwork beyond doodling in my journal in this time period. I miss it but have not had the energy to do any. When I've had downtime I've been too tired to do anything but rest. So much lost opportunity. A casualty of age, I think. But perhaps it's also the gift of age. What's wrong with just being? I put on myself that I should be "doing" when I need only to just be.

In this time period I've read a number of books. Several mysteries, the newest Robert Parker Jesse Stone book, the latest in the #1 Ladies Detective Agency series, The Nine by Jeffrey Toobin, and most recently, Pico Iyer's new book on H.H. Dalai Lama called The Open Road. I've recently ordered a few used books for very little money on-line. One by Peter Matthiessen, one by Rick Fields about the history of Buddhism in the West, and another one I can't remember right now.

I've been enjoying reading, doing a daily crossword puzzle or two, and playing scrabble on line. Those things, meditation, thinking, working, practice, and chanting, are how I have spent my time. Occassional family visits, time with my friend Lori, Dwight, my animals, activities with Frankye. And that's it. Our friends moved last year and they are ensconsed in their new lives. We keep in touch but gone are the weekly lunches or dinners out. Gone are the afternoons at Borders reading magazines, giggling, drinking coffee and eating sweets. Gone are the dinners at each others houses with all the teckels in tow. I miss them but am very pleased at the satisfaction they feel for the life they have now.

So that's my blog. I hope to write more often now that I've started again.

THIS SITE IS ON HIATUS

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

another Tuesday another primary

Today is the Florida primary. It's odd that the Dems won't be collecting delegates, or, won't have their delegates seated. The Dems had all agreed they wouldn't campaign here and so local and national news has been covering the Republicans all over the state. It will be interesting to see if that race stays as unformed as the Democratic race appears. It's been quite a while since there was this much tension and excitement in a campaign year. But then, it's been a very long time since there was no incumbent (or V.P. heir apparent). The last time, I think, was 1968, when LBJ declared he would not run and the Democratic field ripped wide open.

Speaking of 1968...Ted Kennedy's endorsement of Barak Obama was a bit surprising, but the the thing that was really surprising was how he compared him to his brothers. I don't feel that way about Obama, but if young people today feel the way I did about Robert Kennedy, then I understand the hope and excitement they feel for the future after the confusion and sadness of the past 7 years.

I think I have assumed that young people were too self involved, and too engaged in capitalism to care abut the USA or the world at large. But the way they are reacting to Obama makes me think that they just aren't as pissed off as we were in the sixties, but that doesn't mean they're not turned off. That doesn't mean they don't know it's a bad time for America. And it doesn't mean that they can't change it. Perhaps they just needed to be inspired by someone closer to their age and ideals. Maybe the person had to look a lot different than all those who came before him, for them to even want to listen. Maybe they needed their own prophet and not some recycled one from their parent's youth.

So, if Obama is the RFK for the youth and young adults of America, then hallelujah for them -- all is not lost. I still don't think he has the skills YET to make real his dream and his ambitions. But that is my prerogative to feel that way. That is the privilege of my age. The best thing about America, though, is that we all get one vote, no matter how old, how committed, or how inspired (or not) we are.

I'm rooting for Hillary, but I'm also rooting for the youth of America to make this a better place than it is now.

What Goes Around

Well, you don't always know how long it will take for karma to come slapping back at you, but it always does. I was disappointed and upset with how both democratic candidates behaved in the debate Tuesday night, and then even more disgusted with how the media played with it all week. It culminated in an impressive win for Barak Obama in the South Carolina primary yesterday. It was a "shame on you, you should know better" loss for Hillary.

I hope this brings an end to this kind of volatile, sniping exchanges between those in the same party during this primary season. I really think Clinton paid the price for her heavy handed push back at Obama. We know she's tough. She doesn't have to beat up the altar boy for everyone to know she's tough.

How tough is she? She's Golda Meir tough. She's Margaret Thatcher tough. She's more than tough enough. Now she needs to show that she is also dignified enough.

Another Day

Today I cast my first ever vote for Hillary Clinton. Florida conducts early voting in all primaries, national and state-wide elections. I have taken advantage of this option since its inception. Why fight the crowds? I hope to cast 2 more votes for Hillary Clinton -- in November 2008 and November 2012. After that she can retire at age 72 after a 2 term presidency.

I'm kind of amused at how the talking heads are trying to shape the election. They keep using old tactics to designate what they want to be of most interest to voters. They are frustrated by there being no run-away-from-the-pack front runner, although they would be bored to death if there were. The primaries are all they talk about. It's as if America weren't at war in two countries. They are talking about the economy, but mostly in context of the candidates. They showing film clips of candidates from both parties dissing George W. Cheney, but they aren't dishing Bush themselves.

I was going to write a long rant about politics and the media, but I just got a call from an old friend who gave me two pieces of really good news about 2 people I love very much.

The first is about my longest friend, Marcos. He is well, working his way back to his profession, is single, and has just transferred to Tampa. While I don't go to Tampa enough to get to see him, I am so HAPPY for him that he has made it through his long dark night and landed on his feet. Watching and knowing Marcos has been going through this hard time for these past 6 - 7 years has been painful. There is nothing I could do for him but pray for him and love him. Anything else would not have helped. I had to stand on the sidelines and love him in silence. It's been extremely difficult, and I am so happy he has made his way through it all. I understand the making a new way for himself. I am just filled with love and admiration for him.

The other good news was that Clio got a very good job, a little more money, doing something she loves! I am SO HAPPY FOR HER!!!!!!

Ok, the rant...
...back to Obama. Was I talking about Obama? I watched the National Black Caucus debate the other night. I have to say that I really disliked the tone and energy of the sniping that Clinton and Obama did at the debate. By default, John Edwards looked more mature and was able to stay on his message and get a lot of info about his proposals out there.

I hope that what they did at the debate is the last time they snipe at each other in that way. I think they both are better people than that. That said I would like to comment on some of the things that Obama said, that stuck out to me.

He said he didn't know who he was running against, Hillary or Bill. I don'tknow why the media didn't pick up on that being a negative about him, and not Hillary's campaign tactics. If he doesn't know who he is running against because he is being verbally attacked, how is he going to stand the type of criticism and animosity he would experience as the leader of the free world? It was said in a cute way to dis Hillary, but instead it made him seem as though whatever Bill was doing was working. As Bill is not the candidate, it is clear that Obama is sexist, as he is listening to "the man" and not the rival who's name is on the ballot with his.

The other thing that came out was his voting record while he was in the IL state legislature. He voted 129 times "present." Apparently it is an option in the IL government. His explanation as to why he did that on important bills, including one he introduced into the process, was that he was showing his support for the idea of the bill but not the content of it as it came up for a vote. Even if it made things better, if it wasn't the way he wanted it to be, he wasn't going to vote yes, but wouldn't be so bold as to vote no. The example Hillary gave and Edwards picked up on was a bill to cap off the amount of interest credit card companies could charge. The bill came to vote with a 30% cap. Obama voted "present" because he wanted a lower cap. What Edwards pointed out was that there is now no cap. Credit card companies are free to charge as much as they want, and do, in poor and black communities. So he didn't get what he wanted, but he didn't help make it better either.

The clear message to me is that he wouldn't and couldn't compromise. How can he be President and believe he can turn around a humongous beauracracy like the U.S government without negotiation and compromise with the Congress. Does it mean he will do nothing if he doesn't get his way? Will he stamp his foot too?

He threw mud at Hillary for sitting on the board of Wal-mart (before it was super-duper-mow-down-all-small-businesses-Walmart). She threw mud at him for having a client that is a slum-lord, who, by the way is (still) a major contributor to his campaign. He said he worked on his account for 5 hours. He said it was years ago. What he didn't say was that this same slum lord bought a piece of property next to the house that Obama bought for his family. In 2004. Half of the property was sold to Obama, so he could expand his own property. The guy was under Federal indictment at the time. One who lives in glass house should not throw stones.

I do not have an expectation that candidates be squeaky clean. I would be very suspect of them if they were. (Romney) Politics is a dirty business, and only the dirtiest, shrewdist players get to the top (B. Clinton/George W. Cheney). It's the hipocracy of it I can't stand. It's Obama's attitude that all his foibles are behind him, not part of how he does business to this day. They are not behind him. He should own up to them. If he doesn't they will be thrown in his face, when he least expects it, like they were Monday night. He set out to throw mud at Hillary, and she threw a rock back at him.

I'll say it again...Obama is not ready for the game...or the job.

I'm for Hillary! Still!

It's Primary Day in New Hampshire. This is the real start of the election process as the candidates will now begin amassing delegates to the nominating convention scheduled for August 25th-28th in Denver CO.

My support of Hillary Clinton for president has not wavered one bit as a result of Obama's surge. As a matter of fact, the cult of personality momentum that is building around Obama is beginning to frighten me.

My gut tells me this man is not yet ready for such a heavy load. It feels like ..."be careful what you ask for (people), because you just might get it." If Obama is elected we wind up with a situation we've had for the past 8 years, a President in over his head, allowing those with a stronger, clearer agenda and much better behind the scene skills and connections setting the pace and agenda for his presidency and the nation. This lesson has been chiseled into the historical record by the Chaney led administration of George W. Bush. It's been disastrous for the country on every level imaginable. If we learn nothing else from the last 8 years, let us learn that.

I wish the best for Hillary in this month. I know she will stay in there.

I pray the American people will look beyond the "magic" of Obama and seek answers as to how he intends to accomplish this change he is promising. Lofty goals are easy. Planting a seed of hope after the past 8 years is not so hard. Making them real is the hard part. Making them real in Washington is a monumental task that takes experience, connections, and strong support internally and externally. This is not a government ruled by a President. It is a government ruled by a triumvirate structure, the President being only 1 aspect of that structure. If he (she) does not have the internal support and the connections, and the experience, someone else within the structure will and they will determine the change.

It will change. Nothing stays the same. But will it continue to change in a way that squeezes, endangers and embarrasses the American people or will it change to a climate of support, security and pride for the American people? That's what's at stake in NH today and during the primary period.

Keep going Hillary!

Back to the Grind

Monday morning again. It comes so quick. I would have loved a lazy weekend. I would have loved 48 hours of aloneness and quiet time. I didn't get that. What I got wasn't bad, but it wasn't that.

F and I have a grandson living with us again. Not sure how long it will be. He's a good kid, easy to be around. But it is an additional person here with us. My parents drove through Jax on Saturday on their return from NY. F and I met them at Smokey Bones for lunch. Afterwards she brought T to work and we had a quiet evening and dinner of cheese and crackers. Watched the Jags beat the Steelers (barely). It ended when F had to go pick up T from work. Short, but sweet.

Yesterday was F's birthday. She originally said she wanted to just stay home and be left alone. I insisted that we actually "do" something. I contacted family and friends and made arrangements for a brunch out. Wound up cancelling it and F got her original wish and stayed in all day. She got lots of sleep-in time, alone reading, breakfast in bed, chores done for her, and as much quiet time as she wished. I brought T to work, and brought her home krispy kremes, and she spent about 2 hours working on her bonzai plants out on the deck with the noodles. She said she loved it. F & D came by for a little while, bearing gifts, pizza got delivered, and T came home and a nice evening was had by all.

In a few hours I go back to work, for a full 5 day work week, in a position I'm not liking no matter how hard I try. I try, try, try to like it everyday, and just don't. I do it anyway. I do it anyway. I do it anyway.

That's it for a Monday morning.

Iowa

Last night's Iowa caucuses officially launched election year. I wrote the following predictions in my journal yesterday morning:

Republican
1. Romney
2. McCain
3. Huckabee

And it didn't happen that way. It went Huckabee, Romney, McCain/Thompson. I thought for sure that Huckabee's gafs and apparent lack of knowledge of global politics would do him in. It didn't. My immediate reaction was to think "he'll never get elected!" But then I remembered thinking that with Reagan and more recently with Dubya. Then I felt the thud in my stomach and actually heard myself say "OY" out loud.

Democrat
I had 2 scenarios for the Democrats:
1. Clinton
2. Edwards
3. Obama

or

1. Obama
2. Edwards
3. Clinton

The second scenario was what came to pass. In both scenarios I knew that John Edwards would benefit as a second favorite choice from the 4 or so candidates that would not achieve 15%. It seems that he and Obama both benefited from that peculiar Iowan ritual.

As in the past, the press pays much attention to the winners in Iowa. Only 2 non-incumbents have actually been elected President after winning in Iowa: George W. Bush and Jimmy Carter. Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton, both incumbents at the time, won Iowa and were re-elected.

So how important is Iowa? It is 5 days important. In five days, the Primary in New Hampshire takes place. Iowa will be a memory. As we move through January there will be 5 primaries, including FL on the 29th, leading up to Super Tues Feb 5th, when 20 states will have their primaries.

The excitement of being an American.

There's Always Room For Jello

The mind, my mind, is a really weird thing. In the course of a day, hundreds, if not thousands, of words, images, phrases, cross my mind. Some of them are so nonsensical, like the title of this blog. Some of them are horrifying, like remembering an awful time in my life, thinking someone is going to die or a plane will crash, or something equally tragic and painful. Sometimes it's a song lyric....

When I as younger
so much younger
than today,
I never needed
anybody's help
in any way.

And now my life
has changed
in oh so many ways,
My independence seems
to vanish in the haze.

There's no reason for me to have thought of this song. I haven't heard it in a long time. It's the opposite of my experience. I don't know why it popped into my head. But there it was.

I have no explanation for many of the things that come into my head. It's like being on a long train ride and looking out the window. The train is moving and the scenery becomes a blur unless I focus on something. Even if I spend a second with it, I will get a clearer picture. It will be something I am aware of.

That's kind of how my mind is. This constant whirring blur, and occassionally something will catch my attention, and I will spend some time with it, until something else catches my attention. While all this is going on I am either eating, working, thinking, watching tv, talking, listening, playing a video game, driving... Sometimes, several of these at once. So, like I said, there's always room for jello.

"Help" lyrics by Lennon/McCartney, published by Northern Songs, Ltd.

Post Mortems

The news is filled today with recalling the horrors of the past year and the deaths of people who some how or other had become meaningful to large numbers of people.

Of course, the most recent and upsetting for many was the assassination this week of Benazir Bhutto. While she had many followers in Pakistan, she was also held in high esteem by many, many people around the world. Her murder, while predictable, was no less tragic.

The one death that surprised and effected me most was the death of one of my favorite artists. Her name is Elizabeth Murray and she was a wonderful painter. She died in August. Murray cut her canvases into the shapes of her paintings and so they were both paintings and sculptures.

I first came upon her work on a gallery hop in Soho in 1986. I had a route that I took and galleries I visited on a monthly basis. I had not heard of her or seen her work prior to walking into the gallery that day. As I entered the gallery I walked up to a large painting laying on a tilt on the floor. As a fan of abstract expressionism I was accustomed to art not present on a square or rectangular painting surface. Artists had for many years been pushing the envelope on what is suitable for painting.

I don't even remember which painting it was. It was large. It was a cut-out canvas in an organic shape. It was colorful and strong. I got a chill and teared as I stood before it and stared. I went through the exhibit 2 or 3 times. I was excited by her work. I felt like the cells in my body had been electrified and were tingling.

I've had that reaction to 2 painters. Elizabeth Murray and Vincent van Gogh. Early in the eighties I stood before van Gogh's "Starry Night" at MOMA and wept like a fool. I was so moved by that painting.

But now Elizabeth Murray is gone, at age 66, taken by cancer. It's a loss for those of us touched by her work.

painting: Elizabeth Murray, Careless Love, 1995-1996

On the Eve

It's new year's eve. Just another day. Just another eve. My 56th. It really has changed for me over the years. The best part of it is I am lucky enough to have a job that gives me a day off the following day. For the last 10 years, I have enjoyed a half day of work on the eve.

In previous years, the end of the year had meaning for me. I saw Jan 1st as a beginning and Dec 31st as an ending. I no longer see it, think of it, or have expectations of it, in that way. I tend to think of my life as a line, a landscape with rises and falls and flat areas. I think of the calendar as a circle, locked into a rotation that broadens slightly every 4th year.

We humans love to categorize, label, count, and document time. The beginning, end, mid-, start, finish...and on and on, as ways to distinguish one now from another. But it has no real meaning. There is a Hebrew calendar (5768), a Chinese calendar(4607), an Indian calendar (1929), an Islamic calendar (1428),a Tibetan calendar (2134), and a Julian calendar (2007). Each calendar counts the years within their tradition, but it has no meaning for time, life, existence, etc.

The new year is celebrated at different times, as well. The Chinese will celebrate the new year on Feb 7, 2008, Indian new year is celebrated variously in Spring or Autumn, depending on the region of India, Hebrew new year was celebrated on Sept 12th, Tibetan new year will also be celebrated on Feb 7th, and of course the western world's celebration on Jan 1st.

The only thing we all have in common is that we document time. It's a human thing to do. It's a tradition, with sub traditions of when and how, within the tradition. It is nothing more than that.

I no longer make resolutions. I no longer search my memory for the successes I've achieved to try and balance out every failure I caused or experienced in the past calendar year. What a futile exercise that is! Oy!

So, on the eve, F and I will spend a quiet evening at home with our animals. We've decided on a menu of scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon, sliced tomatoes and toast for dinner. We will have a late evening snack of salsa and tortilla chips. Our evening will probably include watching a few episodes of "Profiler" that we have on TiVo, and at 11:55 PM turn to a network station to watch the ball in Times Square drop. We will make comments about how glad we are not to be there with all those people and all that craziness. We will both sleep well, as we have no work in the morning.

The Elusive Illusory Now

I was thinking about a quote I read the other day about staying in the now and regarding the the past as unliveable (not verbatim).

Then I was thinking about journaling. It's something I do on a regular basis, almost daily, and have done since I was in my 20's. The thing about journaling that is so daunting is that we can never capture now. There is no way to document now. By the time we document now it is already the past. So I can only document the very recent or more distant past.

While I mull that I wonder how many "nows" I have spent documenting "then." Does it matter? I reminisce not.

I am on the precipice of a 9 day break from work. That is not anything I have had in 10 years of being on this job. I'm sure I have been off for 9 days in a row in the past, but everyone of those times I went somewhere during the break. This time I will be home for the whole 9 days. I am really looking forward to it.

I have been very stressed lately. I've felt a lot of stress on my job since I moved into a new position. I feel financial stress. I feel stress at home. I feel stress about my eating. I've gained about 8 lbs since Thanksgiving and it is coming off at a fraction of an ounce at a time. At the the office there is candy and cake and cookies all over the place everyday. Vendors have been sending treats as gifts, staff have been having departmental celebrations with lots of leftovers, The Board, Coalitions, all having luncheons with leftovers. Food, food everywhere.

The stress is causing me physical pain. My neck hurts, I've had headaches, my legs hurt. I'm hoping the work break will give me an opportunity to recover control of what I eat and how much. Oy, I'm whining!

We, Frankye and I, are having the least expensive Christmas we have ever had. Largely it is out of necessity. If we had more money, we would gleefully be more generous with those we love. But we are very stretched financially, so we are giving, but on a much smaller scale. And it's ok. It actually feels better to give within our means, than to stress out about acquiring more debt.

There are a number of things I would like to do on my vacation. I want to clean out my studio, discard much unnecessary clutter and then actually spend time in there DOING art. I'd like to see a movie or two, in a theater and at home. I'd like to spend a morning in bed, in peace, at least 1 day. I want to read, rest, nap daily if possible, do some long neglected chores around the house and property, spend quality time with F and j and bbb and boogie-mites, and last, but not least, practice, practice, practice. A tall order, I think. But, then, that is the future, as unliveable as the past.

The Face of War

Youssif, who suffered a near fatal bomb attack in Iraq, is in the U.S. for extensive plastic surgery on the damage done to his face. Doctors may be able to erase most of the scars from his face, but no one can erase the scars on our souls for being a part of this.

Saying it out loud. Writing it down. This is how I make commitments. It is when I know what commitments I am truly ready to make and keep.

Today some co-workers were talking about Christmas, and shopping, and decorating. After much chattering and silence on my part, I was asked what I do to prepare for the holiday. I replied that I do not celebrate Christmas. That is the first time I have really said that out loud, though Christmas has stopped being a meaningful time for me many, many, years ago, long before I converted to Buddhism. It's been within the last 5 years that I have fallen out of the excitement of the commercial holiday of Christmas, as well.

It's been a very long time since I have been able to call myself a Christian, though I tried to resurrect that belief when I first moved to Jacksonville and joined F's church. Had she and L not been there, I never would have gone, or stayed as long as I did. I remember the day I was made a member. I had to say that I believed Jesus was God. I didn't believe that at all. F wanted me to be a member and when I discussed it with her before hand she said not to worry about it, maybe I would come to believe again in time, or maybe it didn't really matter.

I don't mean to besmirch the name or memory of Jesus. I believe there was a historical Jesus. I believe he was more politically relevent than religiously relevent in his time. I do not believe he was/is divine. I do believe he had a message of love and peace and compassion. I believe he was kind hearted. I believe he was a bodhisattva. I believe he would mock what is done in his name today. I believe he would not consider himself a Christian either given the way his teachings have been ignored or twisted.

So, now it's in writing as well. I've said it out loud and I've put it in writing on the world wide web. I'm not a Christian. I don't celebrate Christmas. I celebrate my friends and family. I celebrate our annual gathering of a special meal, enjoyed together, with small gifts exchanged as a way of expressing affection for one another. That's it. That's the whole of it for me. No need to decorate for that. No need to spend a fortune and go into debt to do that. No need to feel stress, or guilt or pressure to do it right.

So now, with Thanksgiving this week, and Christmas following a month later, I am ready to enjoy what there is to enjoy from the holidays: my friends, my family, time off to relax, special cooking, special eating. A respite more than a celebration.