Is it time?

I'm thinking it's time to start blogging again. I got out of writing anywhere on anything for a period of time. I even stopped writing in my journal. I just shut it all down. It coincided with not reading, or more accurately, not being able to read. In the past week I have begun writing more than the date and time I woke up in my journal, and I am currently back to reading - my minimum of 3 books - simultaneously.

I am reading Amrita of Eloquence, a biography of Khenpo Kathar Rinpoche; In the Land of No Right Angles. by Daphne Beal; and The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet by Reif Larsen. I am enjoying them all. They are each wonderful reads.

The bio of Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche is very moving. It is a simple book, with little stories of Rinpoche's life, but so revealing of his compassionate spirit. I have not had the priviledge of reading a biography of a great master, that I actually know, have met, and have had teachings from. He is gentle, patient, loving.

In the Land of No Rght Angles is about a woman's last days in Nepal. She meets a young Nepalese woman as a result of a favor for a western man she knows in Kathmandu. This woman challenges her and forces her to question her assumptions about herself , others, and her future.

The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet is about a young cartographer, about 12 years old at the start of the book. His mother is a Ph.D, his father a cowboy in modern day Wyoming. He gets invited to the Smithsonian, as a result of an illustration of the Bombardier Beetle that he submitted and had forgotten about. It's a terrific read, epic in many ways, with sidebar illustrations and notes, and destined to become a classic. Just terrific!

What else? Well, I've been working my ass off. What else is new. I'm so grateful to actually love my job. If I had to work this hard and hated what I was doing, I think I would just drop out of mainstream life. Actually, that's something I can't wait to do when it is my time to retire. Another 10 years? If I'm lucky!

Next up, still missing family in a big way. Here are some new photos of the littlest in our family:

Conner will be 2 in August, and Kayla is 5 months on Tuesday. She looks much older. She is very physically adept at her young age and was so from the beginning. The other family news is that my nephew was released from prison the other day. Halleluah! with apprehension. He didn't belong in jail, though he did break the law and was not there by accident. He belongs in court mandated rehab, ergo, the apprehension. He did not get help while in jail, so as far as I'm concerned, nothing in his life has changed except it will now be harder for him to enter the world of mainstream society. I worried while he was in jail, I worry more now that he is home.

Recently had a very nice visit from my good friend, josh. We hadn't seen each other in 6 months, and she came to Jax for a family event. I think she was here all of 48 hours, but we got to see each 3 times. I also got to spend some time with her family, most of whom I know and enjoy the company of.

There's more I could write, but it will have to be at another time. Real life calls.

Missing the family

My trip to NY last month to visit my sister was really wonderful. I've been home now for 3 weeks and it lingers in my heart and mind. I can honestly say this is the first visit to NY that has stayed this long and has been filled with this much sadness about not living closer to her and my family. I miss her and my nephews and niece terribly. It's gotten worse since I went, and I want to go back soon. It had been 15 months since I saw Brenda,and that's way too long. I saw my nephew, neice and 2 grand nephews more recently in the past year because they all travelled to FL. Bren will come and visit later this year, and I hope to travel to NY again within the next 12 months. Until then, I have photos!



Zak, Conner and Kayla

Zachary, age 6

Zachary and Conner

Conner, 18 months

Kayla Rose at 6 weeks

no is a BIG word

Holiday Week

Thanksgiving week. Am I grateful? You betcha!

But I'm scared too. I know just enough about economics to understand what dire straits the world and the USA are in right now. I know just enough to know that this isn't going to change overnight, regardless of who the President is. I know just enough to know that this will not turn around on January 20th, but will take 3 - 7 years before there is real relief. And sadly, I know just enough to know that I am on the wrong side of the equation to not be in trouble along with millions of other Americans. That said, I'm still grateful, for many things.

I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by. Late November already. It will soon be 2009. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Except Sunday's. On Sunday's I try not to take any steps. I sometimes succeed.

The weather here in Jax has been chilly by northern standards, very cold by Florida standards. It's nice during the day, freezing in the house at night. We are trying to keep the electric bill down, so we've been layering in the house and using blankets in the den to keep warm. Two days ago I dragged out a big blanket that a little cub keeps here and me and the dogs have been taking shelter of it.

Wednesday afternoon F and I will make our way to south Florida to spend the holidays with my family. I'm looking forward to it, but also looking forward to it being over. The rest of the holidays will be stress free. We have no $$, and we won't be doing gifts this year. We are in the majority on this one, I think. I feel no stress to spend. I feel no stress about not being able to give to friends and family. Something changes as you age. So many things fall away. And it's so ok when they do.

I will end with this last thought that I read in an email this week, "We have no time for impatience."

His Holiness the Dalai Lama Congratulates
US President-elect Barack Obama

Barack Obama last met His Holiness the Dalai Lama in 2005 at a Senate Foreign Relations Committee event (Photo: barackobama.com)

November 5, 2008

H. E. Barack Obama
President-elect of the United States of America
Washington, DC U.S.A.

Dear President-elect Obama,

Congratulations on your election as the President of the United States of America.

I am encouraged that the American people have chosen a President who reflects America's diversity and her fundamental ideal that any person can rise up to the highest office in the land. This is a proud moment for America and one that will be celebrated by many peoples around the world.

The American Presidential elections are always a great source of encouragement to people throughout the world who believe in democracy, freedom and equality of opportunities.

May I also commend the determination and moral courage that you have demonstrated throughout the long campaign, as well as the kind heart and steady hand that you often showed when challenged. I recall our own telephone conversation this spring and these same essential qualities came through in your concern for the situation in Tibet.

As the President of the United States, you will certainly have great and difficult tasks before you, but also many opportunities to create change in the lives of those millions who continue to struggle for basic human needs. You must also remember and work for these people, wherever they may be.

With my prayers and good wishes,

Yours sincerely,

THE DALAI LAMA

The First Baseman

I use to be a writer. Years ago, when I was in the fourth grade, I wrote my first short story. It was my first attempt at creative writing and it was a class assignment. I called the story "The First Baseman," and yes, it was about my one true love at the time, baseball. I don't remember much about the story and I have no copy of it. But I do remember how lost I was in the process of writing the story and what a satisfying experience it was. I also remember that on the basis of that story, I was put into a high level English class. In the fourth grade we sat in the same seat, with the same teacher and classmates, day in and day out for the whole school year. Post story, I was leaving 3 days a week to sit it on an advanced English class. I had never been singled out in such a way up to that point in my life.

During my high school years I continued to spend time writing short stories and very bad poetry for my own pleasure. By that time I was in an all-girls Catholic school in the Bronx, and we were all knee deep in the 60's experience. I still have the notebook that I kept much of that personal writing in. The few times I 've picked it up to read what I had written 40 years ago (how the hell did that happen?) I cringed and put it down quickly.

During those years I wrote freely and without self-consciousness. As a matter of fact, it was one of the very few things I was NOT self-conscious about. Adolescence was a painful, torturous time for me, and I retreated to my writing as the only haven available. I didn't want to "be" a writer back then. I was a writer. Defining a writer as someone who writes, without regard to the quality or commercial value of it, I was very much a writer and worked at it almost daily.

As I got older I relied less and less on writing as an emotional and psychic outlet and engaged instead in rehab, verbal communication with others and, to put it bluntly, acting out. I lost my inner voice for writing. Every once in a while I'd get a desire to write again, but while I think about writing I can't think of what to write.

Could it be that after having lived for more than half a century that I have less to say than I did when I was 10 or 16 years old? Or is it that I have nothing to say at all regardless of how long I have lived? Perhaps I am just really self-conscious about it now. Maybe I've let go of all the modesty and uptightness I had in my youth in all areas and moved it to the expression of my inner voice. I wrote a series of essays on gay history in the late eighties that was published in some local gay and lesbian newspapers in NYC, but beyond that I have only written in my journal and this blog, and I consider neither real writing. This, to me, is journaling. Journaling has its value, but it is a behind the scenes precursor to writing, making art, or just finding balance in my life. It is not a final product.

I'm stuck. I want to write again, and I don't. I don't even know where to begin. Rather than sit with this, as I usually do, I am writing it and putting it out there. Not to get feedback or advice. Just to get it out of me. So, if all I write about is not writing, well, at least I've written something.

a Nano world

My friend josh came to Jax and visited this past weekend. We had a lot of fun hanging out. We went to the Ballet, ate Indian food at the very good "Cilantro" restaurant, dined at our favorite Italian restaurant, Vito's, gabbed a lot, and in general enjoyed our time together. It was my birthday weekend and josh was a generous friend. She gave me several gifts which I enjoyed very much (a restaurant card, a book store card, dinner out for F and I, and a wonderful Obama t-shirt! Lovely. My parents were generous, giving me cash, as did Lori.

I got a Nano iPod and I love it. I have not really been so much into music lately. Partly because I haven't really had a means of listening to it. I listen to music when I am in my studio. I'm not usually in my car long enough to do more than catch a bit of NPR. I listen to NPR when I can at work. Since I've had the iPod I have listened to music everyday. I've learned to download free mp3 files on line, I opened an itunes acct and have actually bought music downloads! I don't feel like such an old fart now.

Coincidently, while at the Ballet, it was the Florida Ballet Company's 30th Anniversary Show, both josh and I (as well as F and probably many others there) were introduced to the music of Rufus Wainwright. Curtis Williams, a gifted dancer/choreographer, choreographed a piece for 4 dancers with 4 tunes written and performed by Rufus on his "Release the Stars" album. The first song, "Going to a Town" really grabbed me. It's hard to explain, but while watching the dance I was really listening to the song. The music wasn't secondary. I was hearing the lyrics. I was both enjoying it, paying attention to it, wondering who it was, hoping to hear more, all while watching this interesting dance.

The four of us, Lori, F, josh, and I, all talked about it on the way home. The following day, josh decided she needed to buy some Rufus albums. She got four of them, all of which wound up on my iPod in very short order. I can honestly say that I haven't been as struck by a singer/songwriter in a long time. I'm really enjoying listening to his music. Here's a sample of "Going to a Town" by Rufus Wainwright. Enjoy!

The Morning After

I was jittery all day yesterday about the election. I was afraid to be too hopeful. Over the last 3 days F had been asking over and over again, who do you think will win. All I could say was that I hoped Obama would win. I hoped the polls were true. I hoped it wasn't going to be a cruel joke at the end of all this. I hoped we weren't going to have more of the same. I stopped short of stating that I thought Obama would win. Not because I didn't want to be wrong, or jinx Obama, but because I couldn't trust that the media was telling the truth and not just making a story. I couldn't trust that white folks of my age and older would see beyond race and vote for the man with the better plan for America's future. I couldn't trust that the election wouldn't be stolen by the same demons that stole the last two elections.

I came home from work and prepared dinner, did my night time chores, and settled F in after work. We began watching CNN just as the first of the polls were closing. The early returns were frightening. Obama was not getting the first good returns. As the evening wore on, and quite rapidly as each time of poll closings occurred, Obama's momentum built stronger and stronger. I don't remember what time he was actually projected to be the winner by CNN, but it was before my usual bedtime. And still, I didn't trust it.

I went to bed and turned the TV on. I watched as John McCain made his concession speech. He was gracious and generous and open about his willingness to continue his bi-partisan cooperation. That's when I allowed that maybe I could trust the result.

By the time Obama came on to greet the crowd and make his first speech as President-elect, I knew and trusted that he won the election. Obama has a clear mandate across this nation. This is something no one in the White House has had for quite a long time. Bill Clinton didn't have a mandate, as popular as he was, he never got 50% of the popular vote.

More important than Obama's mandate is the excitement he has generated across the generations to do more, to be better citizens. There is no more invisibility for Generations X and Y, the groups of people that followed the boomer generation; the groups that lived in the shadow of the largest generation ever, in the world, not just in America. The groups that have certainly gotten my attention by how they have changed how they believe and, more importantly, how they behave across racial, gender, and sexual orientation lines.

I have said several times in the past, and still believe of my generation, the boomer generation, that never before in the history of the world has a generation aspired to do so much and accomplished so little. So maybe, the only accomplishment of my generation was to raise a generation that can and will accomplish what my generation was only able to dream.

The other day I heard Andrew Young say that Barak Obama did not have the scars he himself had. That really struck me. I really understood that. Barak Obama did not grow up in Jim Crow America. He grew up in a multi-racial family, part of both races, influenced by both races, a product of both races. He has often said that his white grandparents poured everything they had into him. That's a very different experience than having a relationship with white people that is filled only with obstacles and closed doors.

The same is true for the two younger generations in America today. They don't have the scars my generation have. They don't have the experience of hoping, dreaming, and having leaders who can make the dreams reality, one after the other, shot down, murdered, eliminated. They don't have the experience of being afraid to hope -- afraid to believe in leaders -- afraid their adulation will make their heroes a target. I'm so glad they don't have that. I'm so glad for them that they are free to believe, without reservation or cynacism. I need them to keep going, regardless of what happens. I need them to do what we could not. The country needs them to do what we could not.

Last night as I watched and listened to President-elect Barak Obama's speech I sat awed with tears flowing. I heard what he stood for, what he believed we needed, what he aspired to accomplish, and who he hoped would get on board with him. I was struck by the fact that through most of this campaign I missed it. I missed what they all saw in him. I was stuck in Hillary Clinton. I was stuck in something I trusted, rather than something that felt too scary to me. I started to get it a few weeks ago. I did come around. I did vote for Obama, not against McCain. I'm glad to be on board, too. I'm still afraid. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid for his life. I'm afraid for Clio, and her generation, that they will have their dreams shattered in an awful way.

So, while this was an election, a political event, it is also a very personal event. It is a new day. A brighter outlook for this country and for the world. Though he rarely spoke ot it, I see the road Obama is walking as a road toward peace.

3X Caspar

Yes, that's me. I'm being a ghost for Halloween. A simple costume, just an old sheet. But as everyone knows, ghosts are invisible, unless you wear clothing. So I wore jeans and my Tilly hat so people wouldn't walk through me. I was the only ghost.

We had the principal cast of the Wizard of Oz (all upper management, with the CEO as the Wizard). We had a whole school of rainbow fish who smam through the room in a group dropping silver scales as they went by. There were m&m's of all colors, a nun in a traditional habit, hippies, animals, witches, oh my! Some very creative stuff.

A co-workers 3 year old daughter was frightened of me and wouldn't come near. She was a yellow m&m. Very cute. Her mother told her I was Casper but she wasn't buying it. She steered clear of me the whole party. And, yes, I had fun!!!

"The best things in life aren't things." ~Art Buchwald

"The artist brings something into the world that didn't exist before, and he does it without destroying something else. A kind of refutation of the conservation of matter." ~John Updike

H A L L O W E E N

Oy! I hate hoopla! I don't mind observing it. I even enjoy that aspect. It's participating in it that really puts me outside my comfort zone.

I bring it up because at work we have had a weeklong celebration of our United Way campaign. Being Halloween week, everyday was dedicated to a different theme. The first day each dept color coordinated their outfits. Then we had favorite team day - and everyone wore their favorite team colors or shirts. We had western wear day, and yesterday we had some very hysterical "tacky tourist" outfits. I did not dress for any of it. Happily so. But I did enjoy the creativity of my co-workers.

Today we will wrap up our United Way campaign with an afternoon halloween party and costume contest. I am going to bring a big sheet with me to wear as a costume because I don't want to be the only one in the room to not be wearing a costume. Talk about standing out. I'm sure I won't be the only ghost but I'll be the biggest ghost.

Meditation in the Park

Our Sangha held its' second annual Meditation-A-thon in the park this past weekend. Saturday was a damp day, never really drying out. Sunday was a picture perfect day of sun and cool air. Here are some photos from the weekend.

Buddha in the park. Our shrine and meditation area. Lama Khandro and Director Michael Turnquist taught Meditation several times throughout the weekend. We opened each morning chanting Chenrezig and Amitabha sadhanas.

Lama Khandro in the park with our prayers for peace flags. We had Tibetan prayer flags strung on the fences and between trees in the park. Lama Khandro had prepared little paper flags and brought colored pens so people could make their own prayer flags for peace. We then hung them on the fencing around the duck pond.

The ducks and geese in the park added to the ambience of the Meditation-A-Thon. Despite the wet and chilly weather, those of us who participated had a very enjoyable day. People new to meditation stopped by and took class, others had seen the ads for the event and sought us out.

Curious passersby took the time to stop and chat. Sangha members Kim and Cathy gave generously of their time and fed us all well. We had a wonderful banquet of Vietnamese vegetarian delights, a wonderful vegetable curry made by sangha member Richard, and fresh cheeses, fruits, veggies, water, and brownies (!) provided by Cathy.

The ducks in the park added to the call for peace. They spent the day swimming from side to side, where ever the potential for food presented itself. A number of toddlers and pre-schoolers came to the park with parents to feed the ducks. It was a lovely event and was a wonderful opportunity for the sangha to spend time together.

Our Lama in the Florida Times-Union

Last modified 10/26/2008 - 10:36 pm
Originally created 102708

Lama talks about her faith

Woman, 29, is the city's first Tibetan Buddhist lama.

By Jeff Brumley, The Times-Union

photo by Jeff Brumley/ The Times-Union
Lama Tsultrim Khandro is a spiritual leader of Karma Thegsum Choling Jacksonville, a Tibetan Buddhist center in Riverside. Khandro, seen here with her dog, Ohpea, is the city's first Tibetan Buddhist lama. She says one needn't be Buddhist, or even religious, to meditate.

When Tibetan Buddhist Michael Turnquist came to Jacksonville in 1984, there was just one Buddhist center in town. And that closed shortly after his arrival.

A lot has changed since then. Jacksonville is now home to at least a half-dozen Buddhist communities, including Zen and ethnic Vietnamese and Cambodian centers. The Tibetan Buddhist center Turnquist opened in 1986 reached a milestone this year with the arrival of its -and the city's - first resident Buddhist spiritual leader.

Lama Tsultrim Khandro, 29, who also is Turnquist's wife, returned six months ago after training for 31/2 years in a cloistered retreat. She led Karma Thegsum Choling Jacksonville's "Meditation for Peace" event during the weekend at Riverside Park.

The Times-Union spoke with her twice because the tape from the first interview was inaudible. Here's what she had to say the second time around.

(Jeff Brumley) Is it just me, or have we been here before?

(Lama Tsultrim Khandro) Reincarnation, brother. We have been here before.

(JB) What does "lama" mean?

(LTK) It means teacher.

(JB) What does it say about Jacksonville that it now has its first Tibetan Buddhist lama?

(LTK) It speaks to the maturity of the [Tibetan Buddhist] community here. The community has grown to where it needs it. We've had visiting lamas every year ... but it's good to have someone here full time for students.

(JB) So as a lama, you're essentially a pastor?

(LTK) I do all the pastoral stuff, I do all the ritual. I meet with students to talk about the concerns that they have ... I'm very much like a rabbi, but without the circumcision. [Laughs]

(JB) Is it your goal to grow the center?

(LTK) Ours is not a proselytizing faith. We are not looking for converts.

(JB) You were raised Catholic?

(LTK) Yes, I grew up Catholic. ... I was the first altar girl in the Diocese of St. Petersburg. I didn't know what I was doing but I was happy to be doing it.

(JB) What attracted you to Buddhism?

(LTK) It made sense to me. It was my karma to become a Buddhist. ... I looked into other spiritual traditions. None of them spoke to my heart like Buddhism did.

(JB) What do you think about all the references to Buddhism and reincarnation that we see in popular culture these days?

(LTK) It's a good thing. It's a bad thing. ... There are catch phrases I hear daily. I was at a concert and a girl was saying, "It's my karma that I got good tickets," and things like that. ... You can throw out phrases, but what do they mean? It's a good thing that it's out there, but even I have been guilty of purchasing the garden Buddhas in the big box stores.

(JB) Why is that a guilt thing?

(LTK) Well, these are items that we deeply honor and respect. These are images of the Buddha. This is not just a garden decoration. So for me to buy the image of the Buddha is completely different than ... perhaps somebody buying it to make their garden look pretty. It is an item of peace and tranquility, and they recognize that, so they purchase it. I think this is a great thing, but ... we believe in treating them with utmost honor and respect.

(JB) Are those statues and images worshiped?

(LTK) No. ... Most religions have symbols of their faith. You can simply take them as symbols of our faith, reminders of the Buddha who gave us the teachings of the Dharma, and as deeply sacred and touching images of our path.

jeff.brumley@jacksonville.com, (904) 359-4310

Basics

F and I are in the pocess of having the main bathroom in the house redone. It has been without a sink for over 2 years. It has been on my "must do" list since the day it was taken apart. We finally have gotten some cash together to do it.

The handy man we hired (and like) took down the old tile, checked out the pipes (which are fine) is putting in new tile today, and a new medicine cabinet, and lighting. Tomorrow he will put in the vanity, hook up the water, and put the toilet back. Yesterday he changed the pipes under the kitchen sink (they were a moment away from disintegrating) and put in new door sills in the kitchen and our bedroom.

I am so pleased to get this stuff done!

A Foggy Morn

I woke up to a thick fog this morning. By 9 AM when it was still with us I decided to photograph the creek again. The fog lifted about an hour later. The creek is so lovely and peaceful.

It's been a busy week. A busy week at work. So much to do including working all day Saturday at a Conference we are co-sponsoring at JU (my alma mater). The weather has been nice. Getting cooler each day. Still more humidity than I like, but at least the temps have gone below 90o.

I watched the debate last night. I caught all 3 of them. I thought Obama did well. I thought McCain dug a deeper hole for himself. I'm experiencing the same thing with McCain that I experienced with John Kerry. I respected both men so much more from afar.

I read both of McCain's books and was impressed with his life, how he responded to situations he found himself in, and the decisions he made to deal with them. The more I've seen him during this campaign, and the more familiar he becomes to me the less I like him. I think he's nasty. I sense the rage in him, that feels dangerous to me. It does not come off as passion, it comes off as poorly concealed rage.

I was disappointed in who John Kerry was because he had been a hero of mine since he led the Viet Nam Veterans Against the War movement in the 60's and 70's. Then he went into the congress and was a clear liberal. I held in my mind for 30 years that I would one day cast a vote for him for President. What I didn't realize is that he had become an elitist follower in those 30 years. I wound up feeling that he, as was my hero-worship of him, stuck in the past. I voted for him in the 2004 election, but there was no joy in it. I cast a vote against Bush, and would have voted for almost anyone other than Bush.

I've had the opposite experience of Obama. My initial reaction to him was distrust. I felt he was too young, too inexperienced to actualize his rhetoric. I like his ideas and the things he sees as needing change but I like Hillary's solutions better than his, especially regarding health insurance. But he is who we have and so I've been listening to him more closely, watching his reaction to attacks, watching his growth in debates. I'm liking him more and more. Partly it's because I am paying more attention to him. Partly it's because I'm getting over my disappointment and anger about Hillary's loss. I want to like him. I am not oblivious to the meaningfulness of how he has motivated and inspired a whole new generation. In a way it frightens me. I remember when my generation was inspired to action and creative solutions to problems. I also remember when that inspiration died, literally, over and over again, until we were defeated. I hope that in picking up that dropped torch that Ted Kennedy spoke about, Obama can go the distance with it. I want him to succeed. He is our best hope.

Reflection

Little Pottsburg Creek This Morning

"Capitalism: Nothing so mean could be right. Greed is the ugliest of the capital sins."

"There has got to be a God; the world could not have become so fucked up by chance alone."

~Edward Abbey

When Less is More

I've often written about how the world seems to be spinning more rapidly than ever before. I've often talked with my peers and elders about this and we conclude that this experience, or perception, occurs as we age. The pace of domestic current events have compounded this feeling. The economic crisis, with its rapid up and down activity and hope and disappointment have amplified the world wind occurring outside my body.

It occurs closer to home than the world, or country around me. My job often feels like it moves at a pace I can no longer keep up with. My own physical limitations, which seem to grow with every year I chalk up, make me feel vulnerable to a degree I have never felt before. I have begun to lose the energy of my anger. An energy I relied on for decades to keep me powered out of depression.

Along with my physical strength and quick, sure reflexes, has gone my anger, confusion, and contempt for my place in the world. It amazes me how long I lived in that mindset, and how I used it to survive the challenges of my life. I still have challenges, but I deal with them differently. I don't come out fighting as an impulse like I used to. The delay in my reflexes has given me that nanosecond needed to think, and to be aware of my thinking. I am less than I once was, and yet more. I am a happier person and I think an easier person to be around. I am not better, but worse, as a functional being, yet better as a conscious being.

Seven Years

It's get more surreal as the years go by.

Things have gotten so much worse since then. That day we feared the enemy outside. Today we fear the enemy within.