A Reflection

My friend Christi wrote a good blog this morning about tolerance on her blogsite, Piece of Mind. It's a thoughtful essay that encompasses her politics, her ethics, her sense of justice, and her way of dealing with the world and the differences she finds in it. I share many of her views in all the areas she mentioned.

One thing that came to mind after thinking about her post was how hard it is for me to learn tolerance of myself for my failures, weaknesses, foibles, and warts.

I was at a teaching a couple of years ago given by my Tibetan Buddhist Teacher, Bardor Tulku Rinpoche. He mentioned that in Tibetan there is no word for self-loathing. He said that self-hatred is a western concept and something that is learned. He also said, that of all the negative emotions, shame was the most debilitating emotion.

I have spent a good deal of my life being intolerant of myself. Most of my psychic pain has been caused by the belief that I was not good enough or was somehow too damaged. I always measure myself against an ideal. The ideal being the smartest, most enlightened, purest, honest, and loving individual. I've never known anyone like that in my everyday life. Bardor Tulku Rinpoche may well be that person, and I certainly experience him, as his student, as if he were. But aside from him residing in my mind and heart on a daily basis he is not part of my daily life in person.

There's a cliche that says you can't love others until you love yourself. You can change the word love to respect, forgiveness, or tolerance. That has not been my experience. I have learned more love, tolerance, and respect for myself by being able to see others with all their warts, and still find in them the lovable, the noble, the admirable, the respectful. When I can feel such feelings for others even though they are not perfect, even though they have weaknesses and failings, I can then look at myself and give myself a break.

I'm grateful to have a teacher like Bardor Tulku Rinpoche, who, in a few sentences within an hour long talk, gave me something to reflect on for a couple of years. I'm also grateful to have friends who engage in self reflection and share their reflections with myself and others.