Love Is Our True Destiny

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another. We do not discover the secret of our lives merely by study and calculation in our own isolated meditations. The meaning of our life is a secret that has to be revealed to us in love, by the one we love. And if this love is unreal, the secret will not be found, the meaning will never reveal itself, the message will never be decoded. At best, we will receive a scrambled and partial message, one that will deceive and confuse us. We will never be fully real until we let ourselves fall in love – either with another human person or with God."

~~From Love and Living by Thomas Merton

The Essence of Buddhism

The Jacksonville KTC has just begun a group study of The Essence of Buddhism by the Venerable 9th Traleg Kyabgon Rinpoche. It’s a wonderful book that approaches Buddhism from the perspective of the Kagyu lineage, the second oldest lineage in Tibetan Buddhism. The Kagyu lineage is also the most wide spread school of Tibetan Buddhism in the United States. Unlike many of the Tibetan born monks who have emigrated to the west, Traleg Rinpoche speaks and teaches in English. He also has a deep understanding of western philosophy and culture and presents the teachings in a way that is easily understood, yet not over simplified, by westerners.

The very first chapter of the book addresses the foundation of the Buddha’s teachings, known as the Four Noble Truths. They are:

1. The truth of suffering
2. The origin of suffering
3. The cessation of suffering
4. The way out of suffering

The truth of suffering is that all living beings experience suffering. Even those who believe they are “happy,” experience suffering in one form or another. As everything changes, so does states of happiness. In my life, and in our culture, a tremendous amount of emphasis is placed on “happiness.” Will that relationship make me happy? Will that car make me happy? Will that job, or school, or friendship, or living situation make me happy? Do the choices in my life make me happy? This is often synonymous with “do I have problems?” Surely, if I have problems I can’t be happy. And if I’m not happy I’m not doing it right, and who wouldn’t do it right if they could? Only a person with problems.

You can’t meditate on suffering without meditating on happiness. We may find happiness at times, but it is always temporary. Feelings change, feelings of happiness, sorrow, anger, dissatisfaction - all change. Circumstances change. Our bodies change. Our health changes. We’ve all experienced periods of emotional roller coasters, up and down, up and down. Feeling ok. Feeling bad. Feeling nothing. We’ve experienced periods of good, strong health. We’ve experienced periods of illness, flu, colds, and, for some, more serious illnesses. Seeking happiness all the time, or expecting a state of happiness to be permanent breeds dissatisfaction. Because happiness is not permanent.

I recently wrote about being dissatisfied in a previous blog. It is a feeling that overwhelms me periodically. I feel dissatisfied and focus on one or two aspects of my life. I generally seek out a cause for that dissatisfaction outside of my self. I case build to validate my anger and frustration. I focus on it or the person and blame, blame, blame. I either set out to extricate myself from the problematic circumstance or I brood about it with the self righteous knowledge that “it’s not my fault!” And like everything else, the feeling of dissatisfaction changes, and goes away, till next time.

Buddhism is often thought to be predicated on a pessimistic view of life. If life is suffering, if that is the truth of it, then why bother? Why not just end it all? After all, life is not meant to be an endurance contest. But that is not what Buddha taught. In Traleg Rinpoches’s words, “The Buddha was not against happiness; rather he gave us a method of finding out how to overcome that sense of dissatisfaction, and this method is part of the last noble truth.”

Learning the method takes many millions of lifetimes. But ya gotta start somewhere. And here I am. Fortunate enough to be born into a situation that has exposed me (even if late in life) to the teachings of the Buddha. There’s no magic in Buddhism. There’s no savior or divine being that oversees and orchestrates all. There are only truths. The truth of suffering. The truth of cause and effect. And the words of the Buddha, as he instructs us not to take his word for it. He encourages all to seek and find for themselves.

The teachings of the Buddha make sense to me only when I apply the menutia of my life to them. When I examine my feelings, my behavior, my experiences and patterns, then I can understand what his teachings are all about. Unlike my experiences with other religions, there are no mysteries. There is only that which I have not yet experienced , faced honestly, or thoroughly examined.

A Visit With My Parents

I went the Delray to visit my parents this past weekend. It was a very pleasant visit. One of the most pleasant I can remember. I spent time alone with my parents until my mother's brother came from Sarasota and stayed overnight. The following morning my brother, his wife and youngest son came over and we all had a long, loud, talkative breakfast together. It was wonderful.

I really miss my family at times. Not always, but more and more asI get older. I live in a town where I have no relatives. The closest family to me is 300 miles away. I have to plan to see them. No inpromptu visits, like my brother did this past weekend. No get togethers to share a single meal and then back to our own homes. I usually plan visits when I have a 3 day weekend. The 5+ hours there and then back takes a bite out of the time I would spend with them. In fact, when I fly to NY to see my sister the whole trip takes about 5 hours with transport to and from both airports and the flight.

This past weekend my mother gave me a wonderful gift. She has spent the last several months creating a memory book for me. It starts with photos of my great grandparents when they were young and includes photos and mementos through 2006, with recent photos of my grand nephew Zack, the yougest member of our family. The book is wonderful. It is in a cherry wood binder, with beautifully decorated pages. There are many photos of favored relatives, my maternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather, my Aunt Lena, cousins Camille, Ginny and Linda, my Uncle Joe and godparents Aunt Madeline and Uncle Phil, my father's brother Marty and Aunt Pat. Lots of pictures of me and my brother and sister when we were kids, and photos of my parents when they were young and energetic.

The book I will cherish, but it also makes me sad. So many of those people are gone and I loved them so much. Not only for who they were but for how good I always felt around them. This was my family and when I was with them I felt loved and knew I belonged to the best group of people in the whole world. I miss them and seeing them this past weekend and remembering them when they looked certain ways, or at events I remember fodly made me miss them all the more.

While most of the people I have loved in my life are gone now - family and friends - I am richer for them having been in my life. I couldn't separate them out from my DNA if I wanted to. Their lives and love are imbedded in my genes, in my memories, in my personality and will be for as long as I am alive.

He's At It Again!

Dear Senator Martinez (Nelson, Clinton, Kerry, Frist),

I do NOT support a US government contract with Dubai Ports World to secure ports in the USA.

How are Americans to regard the war on terror with seriousness if the the federal government does not? While the government of the United Arab Emirates is considered an ally of the United States it has also shown a tolerance and willingness to aid terrorists. Allowing Dubai Ports World of United Arab Emirates to secure our ports is a complete contradiction with this administrations policy of zero tolerance for terrorists and its supporters.

This issue indicates the extreme degree to which our government is out of touch with the American people and inconsistent with its own rhetoric.

DUMB is the only word that comes to mind when I hear this proposal. DUMB is the only word that comes to mind when I read that the President says this is a done deal. VOTE THEM OUT is the phrase that comes to mind when I see how foolishly our government has squandered the lives of Americans, our resources, and our good standing in the world.

I urge you to voice an objection to the port deal. I urge you to speak up against the arrogance and stupidity of this administration.

Sincerely,

Cynthia Kessler

Meaningful Quotes

Some helpful (to me) quotes that came my way via my email inbox this week:

What one has to abandon: how to get rid of arrogance by means of an antidote "I'm not beyond my karma, the deeds I've done; I'll still fall ill, age, die, and leave my friends." Think like this again and yet again And with this remedy avoid all arrogance.

"I will be sick, I will grow old, I will die, I will be separated from those I love, my relations and so forth. In such manner, the fully ripened effect of my actions will come to me and to no one else, and I am therefore not above depending on what I did in former lives." To think like this again and again is the antidote to such things as arrogance: make every effort not to become arrogant by meditating on this antidote.

~~ from Nagarjuna's Letter to a Friend: with Commentary by Kangyur Rinpoche by Nagarjuna, translated by the Padmakara Translation Group, published by Snow Lion Publications


"The results of karma cannot be known by thought, and so should not be speculated about. Thus, thinking, one would come to distraction and distress."Therefore, Ananda, do not be the judge of people; do not make assumptions about others. A person is destroyed by holding judgments about others."-Anguttura Nikaya

~~From "Teachings of the Buddha," edited by Jack Kornfield, 1993. Reprinted by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Boston,


All those who suffer in the world do so because of their desire for their own happiness. All those happy in the world are so because of their desire for the happiness of others.

~~Bodhicaryavatara


“The heresy of individualism: thinking oneself a completely self-sufficient unit and asserting this imaginary ‘unity’ against all others. The affirmation of the self as simply ‘not the other.’ But when you seek to affirm your unity by denying that you have anything to do with anyone else, by negating everyone else in the universe until you come down to you: what is there left to affirm? Even if there were something to affirm, you would have no breath left with which to affirm it.

The true way is just the opposite: the more I am able to affirm others, to say ‘yes’ to them in myself, by discovering them in myself and myself in them, the more real I am. I am fully real if my own heart says yes to everyone. “

~~From Thomas Merton: Essential Writings, selected with an Introduction by Christine M. Bochen (Maryknoll, New York, Orbis Books 2000), Page 142. Originally published in Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander by Thomas Merton (New York: Doubleday, 1966) Pages 128-29.

I read and remember, and meditate quotes because they help me. They help me be patient with myself and others. Too often, I find myself doubting my life, the road I have chosen. Not so much the buddhist path I have chosen. I rarely doubt that as a choice, the part of that I doubt is my own abilities in walking it well.

Mostly what I doubt is the choices I've made in my life - about relationships. Not just my current relationship. But all my past relationships, from parental, to sibling, to lovers, and friends, employers and neighbors. I am questioning them all. What are relationships in detachment and how does one do that? Why have them? Can they not be a part of my life, and yet still live a life giving to others? Is feeding a roaring fire giving?

There is much more I can say. Clearly I am in a state of disatisfaction right now. Not sure if change is needed or if I need to learn detachment. So for now I will just leave it at quotes are of comfort and are mind food for me.

New York

I've had New York on my mind lately. Perhaps it was the tv reports of record snowfalls this past weekend. It was reported that 27" of snow fell in Central Park. All week I've had these memory scenes flashing through my mind.

Snow in NYC is not very common. Though it may snow a few times during the course of winter, there is rarely any substantial accumulation because the amount of traffic on the roads and the heat caused by the subways beneath the sidewalks and streets melts the snow faster than it can fall.

I remember how exciting it would be to have snow, especially a big snow, on a weekend day. The city would become quiet. Road traffic would lessen, fewer people would be out on the streets, and there would be an air of neighborliness from smiling passers by.

I remember a particular Saturday night when I was living on West 83rd Street. It had started to snow about 8 P.M., and reports said it would snow all night long. I went out at about 10 P.M., me and dozens of my neighbors, walking the four blocks to the corner of W.79th and Broadway to wait for the Sunday New York Times to be thrown from a truck in front of the newstand. I stopped at Zabars on my way and picked up treats for the next morning. It was packed. Upper West Siders were stocking up on gourmet fare in the hopes that they would be snow bound the next day. I knew from the anticipated looks on everyones face that, like me, they would grab the 8" thick newspapers and return to the warmth of our homes, with everything we needed to be happy tucked under our arms.

Waking on Monday mornings after an accumalted snow fall was never a treat. Snow brown with street dirt, piled on the corners, slushy or icy and slippery, the snow would no longer be fun or pretty. I remember those days as being dangerous for me (major fear of falling and breaking bones), and ugly and grumpy. I hated the dirty snow, the dog urine stains getting larger each day. The garbage piled up, the sidewalks blocked. It was awful.

I sometimes wonder if I would like living in NYC again. I know I would be in better physical shape. You walk so much in NY, you almost stay in shape by default. I was forced to climb several flights of stairs daily, in and out of the subway, and upstairs to my office. There are book stores and restaurants on second floors with no elevators, theatres with screening rooms with stair access only, etc. One is forced to walk, no matter what you want to do. If you are in a wheel chair the city is immediately cut into a fraction of itself when limited to disabled accessibility.

I think of the crowds, and the dirt, and the noise, and wonder if I would be able to deal with that again. I know right off that I don't want to. I don't dream of or desire to move back to the city. I think if I won the lottery I would want to buy a little condo so I could pop in and out and have a place to stay. Whenever I think of going to NY to visit the only thing I can think of doing while there is going to art museums and galleries. This coming October, the person who I think is America's greatest living artist, Brice Marden, is having a retrospective at MOMA. I want to go. I will probably do everything I can to go, even if it means flying up in the morning, taking a cab to the museum, seeing the show, then heading back to the airport and home, all in the same day. It's the only thing that's come along in 10 years that I think is worth the effort and expense.

The nice thing about memories is that they don't have to be realities. Not today. So while the record snowfall prompted warm memories, it only takes about 30 seconds for all the reasons I left NY to coming creeping into the picture.

Ode to Giraffes

I like giraffes. They are my favorite animals. They're strange looking but interesting too. I like that they are so huge, yet can appear very fragile. Their long neck allows them to see over the top of most things. They have a long, thick tongue, and hoof like feet. Their ears are big and so are their eyes.

Though they have the same number of vertebrae as humans, their necks are so, so long. They are the funniest looking things, but so cute too.

I know this blog seems pointless, and perhaps giraffes are pointless animals as well. What purpose do they serve? I haven't a clue. Then again, what purpose do I serve? Again, not a clue.

I guess there is a part of me that identifies with this silly looking animal. Wild, yet sedate. Huge, yet gentle enough to be in petting zoos. Their bodies are full and sturdy, with the same narrow and fragile looking legs as horses have. They are graceful, something that eludes me but that I aspire to.

Like the giraffe and myself, there is no point to this blog, other than to say that I like giraffes. I really like giraffes.

Friday Night's Teaching

Here are some notes from the teaching on Healing Mind and Body, given by Lama Tsultrim Yeshe on Friday evening:

The Buddha taught what is called the four noble truths. They are:
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. There is a path to the cessation of suffering.

We, humans, have physical and mental afflictions. Our physical afflictions include disease, the effects of aging, and pain from injury. Mental afflictions include fear, depression, addictions, compulsions, emotional roller-coasters, and suffering.

The Buddha taught that we are all neurotic, but neurosis is workable and can be eliminated.

Are we afraid of our neurosis? Do we ignore it? Do we deny it? Worry about it? Exaggerate it?

Mind is awareness. It is the mind that experiences things. Our mind suffers, not our body. Our body experiences pain but our mind suffers.

We are always putting our “spin” on our experiences. Spin is our interpretation of events and experiences that becomes “truth” to us. We should be skeptical about our own spin.

The Buddha taught that we have a separate self /ego (not in the Freudian sense of ego) and judge these as being either pleasing, or displeasing to the self. This develops attachment and addiction if pleasant, and hatred and desire to destroy if unpleasant. If it is not strongly pleasant or unpleasant we can develop indifference. We become jealous if we think someone has it better, or arrogance if we think we have it better. If we did not have this other self/ego we could not have spin. We believe and are attached to our spin. We cannot believe it could be another way.

We try to manipulate our environment and others to keep chaos and uncertainty at bay. But the world is uncertain and chaotic and we can never avoid that. We tend to blame others for the results of uncertainty and chaos. Blaming others gives them control of our own suffering.

Meditation is a way of making our mind settled and see the world clearer.

Emotions are nothing but thoughts with credentials.

Friends who support our spin are our letters of recommendations.

The past is like a rotten seed - nothing can grow from it.

The future is like the son of a barren woman.

Plans are nothing but well thought-out fantasies.

All we have is now. We can only control the way we relate to the chaos in our lives. This is what heals neurosis. Cessation of suffering means there is no more spin or neurosis.

If there is no attachment to the self, there is no self to suffer.

Meditation is a way of synchronizing mind and body.

These are from my notes. Any misquoting, or misinterpretation of Lama Tsultrim Yeshe's teachings are mine alone.

Learning, Learning

It is said that to be fully alive one should learn something new everyday. Tonight I will be attending a teaching called Healing Mind and Body by a visiting American Lama named Tsultrim Yeshe (John Samuels). Lama Yeshe is from Minnesota, works as a prison chaplain, is an ordained Tibetan Buddhist monk in the Karma Kagyu lineage. He has completed the traditional three year, three month, three week retreat and now travels the country on weekends teaching the Buddha dharma at Kagyu centers.

I have taken several teachings from visiting Lamas since I took refuge vows six years ago. Most were given by Tibetans who spoke little or no English and required an interpreter to assist. My own teacher, Bardor Tulku Rinpoche, always teaches with a tanslator, though when I have been in private conversation with him, he understands me and I understand him. Tonight will be a different experience in that no translation is required, and the context within which Lama Yeshe will give his talk will be geared toward western culture.

On a personal level I continue to learn as well. I am learning that when I am wrapped up in negative emotions like anger and jealousy, I am usually out of touch with the real me. What is the real me? The real me knows that my feelings are not facts and that my feelings change rapidly, and therfore on an individual level they have no value. My thoughts also change as rapidly, perhaps even more rapidly and therefore also do not mean much. I can rant all I want in my head, case-build, deride others, argue point-by-point perceived slights or injustices, and none of it means anything.

I learned long ago in therapy that thoughts come first and then feelings. So if I am thinking I am persecuted, then I will feel persecuted. If I think I am loved I will feel loved. But learning doesn't always change behavior. That's where Buddhism fits in my life and maybe that is why it is called Buddhist practice.

A Silent Self

“There is a silent self within us whose presence is disturbing precisely because it is so silent: it can’t be spoken. It has to remain silent. To articulate it, to verbalize it, is to tamper with it, and in some ways to destroy it.

Now let us frankly face the fact that our culture is one which is geared in many ways to help us evade any need to face this inner, silent self. We live in a state of constant semiattention to the sound of voices, music, traffic, or the generalized noise of what goes on around us all the time. This keeps us immersed in a flood of racket and words, a diffuse medium in which our consciousness is half diluted: we are not quite ‘thinking,’ not entirely responding, but we are more or less there. We are not fully present and not entirely absent; not fully withdrawn, yet not completely available. It cannot be said that we are really participating in anything and we may, in fact, be half conscious of our alienation and resentment. Yet we derive a certain comfort from the vague sense that we are ‘part of’ something – although we are not quite able to define what that something is – and probably wouldn’t want to define it even if we could. We just float along in the general noise. Resigned and indifferent, we share semiconsciously in the mindless mind of Muzak and radio commercials which passes for ‘reality.’ "

From Thomas Merton: Essential Writings, selected with an Introduction by Christine M. Bochen (Maryknoll, New York, Orbis Books 2000), Pages 74-75. Originally published as “Creative Silence”, from Love and Living, ed. Naomi Burton Stone and Brother Patrick Hart (New York: Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 19879) Pages 38-43.

Busy Time

It's been a busy time, for no particular reason. The holiday rush is over, no extreme deadlines at work, no birthdays or family rituals to prepare for, nothing unusual happening or scheduled in the near future. Yet, I feel busy.

Most days consist of rising at 5:30, drinking coffee, eating breakfast, watching the news, watching one or two television programs I have tivo'd, feeding and caring for the young dogs, checking and writing email, and looking at my calendar for appts. Weekdays I get ready for work and usually leave by 9:10.

My commute to the office is a big 2 miles, door to door. If I am visiting one of our Head Start centers the commute can grow up to 1 1/2 hours one way depending on which county I visit. When in my office my day consists of a variety of tasks, including email, coordination of assessments, evaluation of assessment data, phone calls, trouble shooting questions and problem solving with two software programs I oversee staff use of, data collection and reporting on enrollment and federal matching funds, staff training, and occassional special projects. The majority of the time these tasks are done at a leisurely pace. Lunch times are more often than not spent with my friend Lori. When not together at lunch I can usually be found at the library or bringing Taco Bell into Barnes and Noble where I eat lunch and read. I generally leave work between 5:30 and 6:00.

Several times a week I stop at the food market on the way home. Once home I do a limited amount of chores: feed the dogs, let them out, change my clothes, put away groceries, and assess preparation for dinner. Frankye and I talk and watch the evening news. Depending on how long dinner preparation takes, I begin cooking for an estimated 7:30 dinner time. After dinner, unless there is something that must be done, I am in relax mode. I mostly watch TV with Frankye and read a newspaper or magazine, write in my journal, sometimes paint thumbnail paintings, play with the dogs, or, more often than I care to admit, play games on my laptop. I head for bed anywhere from 9 - 10:00 and after getting ready for bed, I read until too sleepy to do so, usually between 15 to 60 minutes. I usually sleep about 6 hours. I never set an alarm clock. I wake up when I'm done sleeping.

Weekends are usually less busy, unless there is a special event or project planned. I attend Sangha (Buddhist practice sessions) most Saturday mornings from 10 - 1:00. I sometimes have a board obligation or work I must do as Treasurer of the Tibetan Buddhist center I belong to. That is the only consistent obligation I have on weekends. I always try to schedule time in my art studio to work on paintings. When I'm lucky and smart about my time and energy I am able to spend time both Saturday and Sunday in my studio.

Frankye and I almost always spend time with our good friends Christie and Sue (aka wsahn and Q) on weekends. We eat together a lot. Their house, our house, restaurants. It doesn't matter. We like to share meals. We go to the movie with them more often than with any one else and we visit local bookstores for coffee, browsing, and chatter. We laugh a lot with Christie and Sue, and miss them if schedules don't allow at least one get together a week.

Looking back on what I've written I think the title of this blog is a misnomer. It's not busy time, it's Rich Life. I have and enjoy a rich life with people I love and enjoy. Not all the people I love and enjoy, but my daily life includes at least some of the people I love and enjoy. Everyday.