Watching

I spent time with my sangha yesterday, Chenrezig, Amitabha, chanting, listening, thinking. Our sangha is studying The Essence of Buddhism by The Venerable 9th Traleg Kyabgon Rinpoche. It's taken our sangha 2 months to get through 21 pages. Yesterday we began chapter 3, Meditation. The book is so good, each paragraph worthy of contemplation. Often it's the discussion after the reading that opens so many doors and prompts so much more contemplation on my part.

Yesterday we read a brief description of shamatha meditation. Shamatha is silent sitting meditation where you try to focus the mind on your breath. When thoughts arise, as they will, you just label them "thinking" and let go of them. It's not always easy to do. There are times I find myself deep into a fantasy before I remember to shut it down and focus again on the breath.

When I can focus on my breath and not engage in daydreams I become aware of my thoughts as thoughts. They flow freely, unsolicited. I let them pass. It's almost like sitting on a train and looking out the window. The train is moving rapidly and you're not allowing your eye to focus on anything in particular. Just watching the essence of the scenery go by. You can notice when there are trees, or mountains, or dessert, but not individual trees or mountains. After meditation I'm often struck by the degree to which my thoughts center on me, my importance in the world, or my lack of importance. My self centeredness becomes apparent, my paranoia and greed embarrass me.

Post meditation is often a humbling experience. Having spent 10 - 20 minutes alone with my own mind watching the seeds of insanity that have driven my behavior throughout the 54 years of my time here, I'm amazed that I have managed to survive this lifetime this long. Insanity is not too harsh a word. The thought that I am the most important person on this planet is an insane one. And yet, I, and billions of others, do just that. Everyday. My earlier post about the state of the country and my distress about that is the end product of such ego centricity. Even in deploring the results, it is my own distress of it that is most important to me. It is the endless circle: I think this, I feel this, I do this, which makes me think this, feel this, do this, which makes me think this, feel this, do this...

Better to sit quietly and watch my breathing and label my mental halucinations as thinking. Better to just sit and not think (read dwell), not feel (read wallow), not act (read react). Better to just watch.