December 31, 2007

Post Mortems

The news is filled today with recalling the horrors of the past year and the deaths of people who some how or other had become meaningful to large numbers of people.

Of course, the most recent and upsetting for many was the assassination this week of Benazir Bhutto. While she had many followers in Pakistan, she was also held in high esteem by many, many people around the world. Her murder, while predictable, was no less tragic.

The one death that surprised and effected me most was the death of one of my favorite artists. Her name is Elizabeth Murray and she was a wonderful painter. She died in August. Murray cut her canvases into the shapes of her paintings and so they were both paintings and sculptures.

I first came upon her work on a gallery hop in Soho in 1986. I had a route that I took and galleries I visited on a monthly basis. I had not heard of her or seen her work prior to walking into the gallery that day. As I entered the gallery I walked up to a large painting laying on a tilt on the floor. As a fan of abstract expressionism I was accustomed to art not present on a square or rectangular painting surface. Artists had for many years been pushing the envelope on what is suitable for painting.

I don't even remember which painting it was. It was large. It was a cut-out canvas in an organic shape. It was colorful and strong. I got a chill and teared as I stood before it and stared. I went through the exhibit 2 or 3 times. I was excited by her work. I felt like the cells in my body had been electrified and were tingling.

I've had that reaction to 2 painters. Elizabeth Murray and Vincent van Gogh. Early in the eighties I stood before van Gogh's "Starry Night" at MOMA and wept like a fool. I was so moved by that painting.

But now Elizabeth Murray is gone, at age 66, taken by cancer. It's a loss for those of us touched by her work.


painting: Elizabeth Murray, Careless Love, 1995-1996

On the Eve

It's new year's eve. Just another day. Just another eve. My 56th. It really has changed for me over the years. The best part of it is I am lucky enough to have a job that gives me a day off the following day. For the last 10 years, I have enjoyed a half day of work on the eve.

In previous years, the end of the year had meaning for me. I saw Jan 1st as a beginning and Dec 31st as an ending. I no longer see it, think of it, or have expectations of it, in that way. I tend to think of my life as a line, a landscape with rises and falls and flat areas. I think of the calendar as a circle, locked into a rotation that broadens slightly every 4th year.

We humans love to categorize, label, count, and document time. The beginning, end, mid-, start, finish...and on and on, as ways to distinguish one now from another. But it has no real meaning. There is a Hebrew calendar (5768), a Chinese calendar(4607), an Indian calendar (1929), an Islamic calendar (1428),a Tibetan calendar (2134), and a Julian calendar (2007). Each calendar counts the years within their tradition, but it has no meaning for time, life, existence, etc.

The new year is celebrated at different times, as well. The Chinese will celebrate the new year on Feb 7, 2008, Indian new year is celebrated variously in Spring or Autumn, depending on the region of India, Hebrew new year was celebrated on Sept 12th, Tibetan new year will also be celebrated on Feb 7th, and of course the western world's celebration on Jan 1st.

The only thing we all have in common is that we document time. It's a human thing to do. It's a tradition, with sub traditions of when and how, within the tradition. It is nothing more than that.

I no longer make resolutions. I no longer search my memory for the successes I've achieved to try and balance out every failure I caused or experienced in the past calendar year. What a futile exercise that is! Oy!

So, on the eve, F and I will spend a quiet evening at home with our animals. We've decided on a menu of scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon, sliced tomatoes and toast for dinner. We will have a late evening snack of salsa and tortilla chips. Our evening will probably include watching a few episodes of "Profiler" that we have on TiVo, and at 11:55 PM turn to a network station to watch the ball in Times Square drop. We will make comments about how glad we are not to be there with all those people and all that craziness. We will both sleep well, as we have no work in the morning.

December 20, 2007

The Elusive Illusory Now

I was thinking about a quote I read the other day about staying in the now and regarding the the past as unliveable (not verbatim).

Then I was thinking about journaling. It's something I do on a regular basis, almost daily, and have done since I was in my 20's. The thing about journaling that is so daunting is that we can never capture now. There is no way to document now. By the time we document now it is already the past. So I can only document the very recent or more distant past.

While I mull that I wonder how many "nows" I have spent documenting "then." Does it matter? I reminisce not.

I am on the precipice of a 9 day break from work. That is not anything I have had in 10 years of being on this job. I'm sure I have been off for 9 days in a row in the past, but everyone of those times I went somewhere during the break. This time I will be home for the whole 9 days. I am really looking forward to it.

I have been very stressed lately. I've felt a lot of stress on my job since I moved into a new position. I feel financial stress. I feel stress at home. I feel stress about my eating. I've gained about 8 lbs since Thanksgiving and it is coming off at a fraction of an ounce at a time. At the the office there is candy and cake and cookies all over the place everyday. Vendors have been sending treats as gifts, staff have been having departmental celebrations with lots of leftovers, The Board, Coalitions, all having luncheons with leftovers. Food, food everywhere.

The stress is causing me physical pain. My neck hurts, I've had headaches, my legs hurt. I'm hoping the work break will give me an opportunity to recover control of what I eat and how much. Oy, I'm whining!

We, Frankye and I, are having the least expensive Christmas we have ever had. Largely it is out of necessity. If we had more money, we would gleefully be more generous with those we love. But we are very stretched financially, so we are giving, but on a much smaller scale. And it's ok. It actually feels better to give within our means, than to stress out about acquiring more debt.

There are a number of things I would like to do on my vacation. I want to clean out my studio, discard much unnecessary clutter and then actually spend time in there DOING art. I'd like to see a movie or two, in a theater and at home. I'd like to spend a morning in bed, in peace, at least 1 day. I want to read, rest, nap daily if possible, do some long neglected chores around the house and property, spend quality time with F and j and bbb and boogie-mites, and last, but not least, practice, practice, practice. A tall order, I think. But, then, that is the future, as unliveable as the past.