Surrender

A while back I wrote a blog on being stuck on stupid. I admitted in that blog that I sometimes get stuck on stupid. I think recently I have been stuck on stupid again.

I don't always want to deal with things. Especially difficult feelings. I think that if I hold them in they will go away, or I will feel differently or they will matter less. None of that is true. It never goes away, my feelings don't change and until I let go of it, it won't go away.

I'm trying to walk a path in my life. A Buddhist path that is lit by compassion and patience. Compassion and patience go hand in hand. I don't think they can be separated; you can't have one without the other. It's a most difficult path for me. Perhaps the most difficult path I could have chosen.

I am not compassionate or patient by habit. I'm the opposite and must frequently remind myself to be patient or compassionate. I often fail in this. I keep trying to get up after each fall. Sometimes I'm just too tired. I'm tired from walking around with lots of difficult stuff I don't want to deal with. Too tired to be patient. Too tired to work toward compassion. Too tired of me.

That's where stuck on stupid comes in. I keep this circle going. I keep doing it over and over again. Sometimes the circle is wider, sometimes it's narrower, but it's always a circle.

I'd like to give up. I won't give up plodding along this path. I want to give up holding on so tight to things that prevent me from achieving the patience and compassion I want to live. It's about surrender. So hard for me to do. No matter how many times in my life I've had to do it, and I've been brought to my knees on a number of occassions, it doesn't get easier.