Memorable Photos

I still have no time to write but I have a few minutes to post some photos. All were taken by my friend C. Cripps.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama in Centennial Park in Atlanta GA giving a public talk. He is waiting to be introduced.

His Holiness speaking to the crowd of thousands on a rainy day.

Clio and I and Christi and I hanging out at Clio's loft.

This was a most memorable experience. Having Frankye, and Christi and of course, Clio, with me there made it VERY special. I feel I haven't taken it all in yet. I felt so much emotion during the weekend that it was hard to feel calm and take in all that was taught. I think this was the most generous gift I have ever been given and I can't thank my friend Christi enough for that. When I can I will dowload the teachings that have been posted by Emory and listen again to His Holiness' teachings.

The Merton Reflection for the Week of October 15, 2007

My own peculiar task in my Church and in my world has been that of the solitary explorer who, instead of jumping on all the latest bandwagons at once, is bound to search the existential depths of faith in its silence, its ambiguities, and in those certainties which lie deeper than the bottom of anxiety. In these depths there are no easy answers, no pat solutions to anything. It is a kind of submarine life in which faith sometimes mysteriously takes on the aspect of doubt when, in fact, one has to doubt and reject conventional and superstitious surrogates that have taken the place of faith. On this level, the division between Believer and Unbeliever ceases to be so crystal clear. It is not that some are all right and others are all wrong: all are bound to seek in honest perplexity. Everybody is an Unbeliever more or less! Only when this fact is fully experienced, accepted and lived with, does one become fit to hear the simple message of the Gospel-or any other religious teaching.

The religious problem of the twentieth century is not understandable if we regard it only as a problem of Unbelievers and of atheists. It is also and perhaps chiefly a problem of Believers. The faith that has grown cold is not only the faith that the Unbeliever has lost but the faith that the Believer has kept. This faith has too often become rigid, or complex, sentimental, foolish, or impertinent. It has lost itself in imaginings and unrealities, dispersed itself in pontifical and organization routines, or evaporated in activism and loose talk.

Thomas Merton. "Apologies to an Unbeliever" in Faith and Violence. South Bend, IN: University of Notre Dame Press, 1968: 213-214.

A good weekend. Sangha on Saturday morning, an enriching experience, as always. Good home time with F. I rented 2 movies on Saturday and we watched both Georgia Rule and Thief of Time. We liked them both. Sunday I did some houswork. It took several hours but it has really helped get the house back in control. F spent good time organizing the kitchen. She did good and it adds to the feeling of things in control. Last night we watch the Milarepa DVD. It was quite good.

This coming week is special. C is coming on Fri, I think in time for she and I to have lunch together (maybe at India Restaurant), and then spend the evening together. Saturday morning we 3 head out early to go to Atlanta. We will see Clio (YEAH!) and attend events Sat, Sun, and Mon related to H.H. Dalai Lama's visit to Emory University. Sat night we will attend the Tibetan Mystical Arts performance. Sun morning we will attend a teaching by His Holiness to Buddhist practitioners and then Mon afternoon we will attend the public talk in Centennial Park. We will return to Jax on Tues. It may be the only time in my life to see His Holiness. He is aging and has announced his coming retirement, though he has given no date. What a gift to see him. A special gift from C who is making it all possible. Exciting stuff!

I am still reading Karma Chakme's Mountain Dharma and really, really learning a lot. Some tidbits...

Buddha cannot remove your karma. Only you can remove your karma in reliance upon Buddha.

The only point of studying buddha-nature is to be inspired to practice Dharma, because it is the practice - not the knowledge - that reveals our buddha-nature and enables us to obtain buddhahood.

No one shapes us except our own afflictive emotions - our attachment, anger, ignorance, pride, jealousy and greed.

There is a long chapter on karma that is the most detailed explanation and description of cause and effect I have ever read. It is quite good.

I haven't done any artwork lately, and it's ok. I am journaling, and reading, and enjoying my favorite television programs. I am reading mysteries, and dharma, and meditating, and praying, and attending sangha, working, and feeling well balanced. Homelife has been very good. F and I have found a place where mutual respect and common courtesy rules and it is very easy going. Something we haven't always been successful at. But we are now and that is what matters and what we need to remember that we know how to do.

What a week! I had a wonderful trip to my sister's. I spent time with her, that we haven't had together in a long, long time. She is the best medicine in my world. I love her dearly. I met and spent time 4 days in a row with my new grand-nephew, Conner. He is BEAUTIFUL and such a good baby.

I spent time with my niece Diana and my other grand-nephew, Zack! He's 4 now and smart, and beautiful, and well-mannered. Diana has a hard way to go but she does right by her son. It takes a lot of courage and hard work to do that as a poor, single mother.

I also got to watch the Yankees lose the playoffs to the Cleveland Indians. It didn't matter to me that they lost, it was just so good to watch Yankee games. I love baseball.

I went to work yesterday and then right to KTC for a board meeting. We met until 10 and I'm tired today. I am so glad I decided to not step away from the board at this time. I really wanted to. But I needed to stay and I'm so glad I did.

more later

If I had better knees...and it wasn't pouring rain outside...and I wasn't sitting at my desk at work...I'd skip down the street. I'm so excited that at this time 2 days from now I will be in a jet flying up the east coast to NY. I will have 5 full days with my sister and I am thrilled about it.

I have really been feeling like getting away for a little bit. Aside from a few trips to my parent's home (which are never stress-free) I haven't been away since the trip to NM in April. That was such a wonderful trip. I not only have fond memories of the trip and the time there with F, C, and Q, but I have a longing to go back - a longing that is deeper than my original desire to see NM.

I haven't been to my sister's since April 2004. I went for my nephew's wedding. It was a wonderful weekend, but crowded with lots of family and activities. The time before that was as a surprise to my sister for her 50th birthday. Again, a short trip stuffed with family and activities. This trip is planned around no family reunions, celebrations or rituals. I will visit with other family, like our newest member Conner, but aside from that, Bren and I will hang out and rest. I'm bringing 2 novels, a dharma book, and a couple of mags. We'll talk for hours and hours, eat healthy meals, sleep in, enjoy the yard (beautifully landscaped by my brother-in-law) and weather, and visit Conner (more than once, I'm sure).

When I return we will be home for 2 weeks when C arrives and we travel to Atlanta to see His Holiness the Dalai Lama at Emory University. As if that wasn't the best of the best, Clio will also be there and we will spend time with her. We'll then be home another 10 days when we fly to Maryland to spend some time with C & Q at their new home. F has been there already, and loved it, but this will be my first time. I will celebrate my 56th birthday while there. The trip is a generous birthday gift from C & Q. So much good stuff to look forward to.

I've have worries, too. I'm worried about my friend Laura, who recently lost her dad. I haven't seen or talked to her and I don't want to infringe on her privacy. F and I drove by their house the other day to see if they were in, but they weren't. She will resurface when she is ready, but I miss her and know this is a sad, difficult time for her.

I'm worried about the trees around the house continuing to fall and the damage they will do. Last Wednesday, a neighbor's tree broke and fell on our fence and knocked down a portio of the fence and crushed the gates far beyond repair. It's been raining most days since then and we haven't been able to buy replacements and fix it until we had the tree and trunk removed. We were blocked on the property unable to take our cars out but gradually have had the tree cut up and removed. Today after work I am going to Home Depot to purchase a new gate and F and I will put it up tonight or tomorrow night. What I really fear is one of the big old oaks that surround the house will fall on the house and create a disaster. It is with sadness that I look back on the days of carefree apt. living.

I'm worried about the health and well-being of my teacher and pray for his return to good health and a long life.

I have other worries, too, but nothing that couldn't be cured by some home made Skotch broth and fresh pressed apple cider! Hmmmmm, I wonder where I could get some of that.....

I am reading a very thought provoking book called Karma Chakme's Mountain Dharma as taught by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche. It's really a wonderful book of Buddhist teachings, and Rinpoche presents it in a very simple way for us western learners. The teachings are 5 volumes and to date 2 have been published. Volume 3 is schedule for the end of this year and volumes 4 and 5 are scheduled for release in 2008. It will probably take me that long just to finish volume 1. I know I'm not dense (well, actually I don't know that) but it does take me a long while to absorb this completely new way of seeing life and the world and reality. I need to munch on each point for quite a while, like a cow chewing her cud. The hardest part is to see it as it is, and not through my own cultural references. Is that possible? Yes, but it's damned hard.

Negative, negative, negative....for my pap, the biopsy, and the ultrasound. More about this later.

I woke up tired, sunburned, feeling good and energized. I took an inventory of why I felt so good after having had none of the things this weekend I usually crave: sleep, uninterrupted alone time to watch my favorite reruns on TV, watching football, playing SNOOD or WORD WHOMP on my computer, scrolling through dozens of art blogs on-line, and napping. Instead, I participated in the KTC Jax Meditation-thon.

The Meditation-thon began Friday night at 5:00 p.m. in Memorial Park and ended Sunday night in Memorial Park at 5:00 p.m. The entire event wasn’t in the park. As a matter of fact, half of it was held at our center, with an opening program of Chenrezig sadhana on Friday night and all night meditation Friday and Saturday nights. In addition, one of our members led a midnight Chenrezig sadhana at the center Saturday night/Sunday morning. This was all in celebration of the United Nation’s International Day of Peace. It was an honor to be a part of it. And I was only a very small part of it.

But what I did that made me feel so good was break my pattern. Instead of feeding my craving for mindless activities I believe I deserve to indulge in, I meditated more, chanted more, spent more time with like-minded people, contributed something to the world – if only a wish and a prayer for peace, spent time talking, listening, laughing, watching meditation, listening to birds, squirrels, and people playing in the park, talking to strangers, playing with a dog, talking and visiting with friends, and being outdoors in the sun. I drank lots of water, ate nutritious and delicious Viet Namese vegetarian food prepared by the daughter of a sangha sister, and enjoyed fresh fruit. I took good care of my body and I fed my inner life. The only thing tired at the end of it was my body, and 9 hours out in the sun will do that to anyone. I feel renewed by the whole experience and am so glad I participated. It was a gift to me.

Credits

1. Photo of the Meditation-thon by EMILY BARNES/The Times-Union

2. International Day of Peace Poster by the United Nations

I'd really prefer to ignore what I'm going to write but I'm not ignoring it, I just haven't written about it up to this point. So I might as well write about it.

I have recently been going through some medical tests to determine why I had a post-menopausal period after 7 years. I got the blood results first and they were fine - even better than fine - they were very good. I went to a GYN, who I really like, and she did a biopsy of my uterus and scheduled me for a transvaginal ultra-sound, which I've also had. I have not yet received the results of these 2 tests.

I was buoyed by the blood test results and in general do not feel overly concerned about having uteran cancer, except that while all this is also going on I have been so fatigued as to be in pain at times, just from exhaustion. I am not anemic, or deficient in anything that would cause fatigue. I get a good night's sleep every night, and have been able to nap several times a week. My morning's start off ok and I feel energized. About 3 in the afternoon I feel like I hit a wall and I have to sleep. I admit to having fallen asleep at work on several occassions, right here in my little cubby.

I am scheduled to see the GYN again next Wednesday to get results from the babopsy and the ultrasound. I'm sure it will be fine and then I won't have anything to ignore. For now.

I'm ignoring the relevance of the date.

This picture of me and my sister was taken this past weekend in Delray Beach. We were there to celebrate our mother's 75th birthday. My sister and I had planned a dinner party at a nice Italian Restaurant and it included 14 family members traveling from Jacksonville, New York, and Sarasota.

Was it a surprise to my mom? Yes. But it was more of a surprise to my dad, my siblings and me that my mother was such a difficult bitch about the whole thing. Thirteen of us were absolutely thrilled to be there together for something as celebratory as a 75th birthday, and not a funeral. Knowing my mother, she will be difficult during her own funeral because it won't go down the way she wants it to.

But I'm not writing this blog about my mother. I'm writing it about my sister.

I absolutely adore my sister. If I have a truly best friend in this world it is my sister. She know's me better than anyone. I know her for her entire life. She knows me for all but the first 15 months of my life. She has seen me at my lowest point and she has seen me slowly recover. She's always been in my corner rooting for me.

I ALWAYS feel good when I am with Brenda. I can talk to her easily. We share very similar memories about growing up. We spent the first many years of our lives together, sharing a bedroom, being paired off as the "girls," treated alike, regardless of the age and school grade difference. While we are only 15 months apart, we were 3 school grades apart. My sister had to follow after me in school and got the "oh, no, you're not like your sister, are you?" treatment. She wasn't like me. She's very different.

In some ways my sister's not as smart as I am, nor as educated, or streetwise, or as curious about the world around her, but she is much smarter about living than I am. While she has suffered too, she has a built in tendency toward balance in her life. She chose her spouse well, and they have been married for 35 years. It's the smoothest marriage I have ever witnessed. They have not been without challenges, for they have had heartbreaking challenges. But they have always faced them together, with no division between them. They don't bicker. They enjoy each other and a quiet, but active life. They have friends, two of whom are their closest friends and have been since their teen years. They have just become grandparents for the first time.

I envy the ease with which my sister has approached her life. She had many of the same obstacles as I and yet was clear about what she wanted and what she didn't want. She stood firm in her determination to achieve her goals. I, on the other hand, never could see past my own nose and pain to create goals. And if I had, I doubt I would have had the confidence to strive for them, let alone accomplish them.

The thing that makes me feel best about my sister is that she reminds me on a fairly regular basis that I am her big sister. I am someone she looked up to while growing up. It was my bed she ran into at night when she was frightened by storms or shadows, or yelling. It was my hand she reached for when we were little and she was scared. It was my face she looked toward for comfort and reassurance when one of our parents were beating the shit out of us or each other. If was me she turned to when our mother would make her so angry all she could do was cry.

Brenda has always let me know that I am important to her too. That I am as loved by her as she is by me. She is the best medicine this life has to offer me. I can't imagine a world without her in it.

Words of the First Bardor Rinpoche

All my disciples who depend on me:
One: Don't call the three jewels to witness
Your rash declarations and schemes.
Two: Don't argue about tenets.
Three: Don't be obsessed with this life.
Four: Don't brag about anything you've done.
Five: Don't always talk about others' faults.
Six: Don't meditate on the difference between friends and enemies.
Seven: Don't be greatly attached to stuff.
Eight: Don't disregard causality.
Make these eight your constant yidams.

Other than this I have no advice.
If your devoted affection is not weak you are never
Separated for even an instant from your father guru.
We've met before; we'll meet again.
We'll keep on meeting as long as we live.

-from "Treasury of Eloquence: The Songs of Barway Dorje," translated by
Yeshe Gyamtso, KTD Publications, Woodstock, NY, p. 31

....you get what you need...

I'm signed up to the Beliefnet Buddhist Wisdom listserv and everyday I get a message in my email box with some pearl of Buddhist wisdom. Some of them go over my head. I particulary have trouble with the ones that deal with higher teachings on emptiness and suchness. Most of them are nice and understandable and are mildly interesting. Every once in a while I get one that hits me where I live. Today, I received one of those. It's worth passing on to those who don't get Buddha in their email.

Whatever attitudes we habitually use toward ourselves, we will use on others, and whatever attitudes we habitually use toward others, we will use on ourselves. The situation is comparable to our serving food to ourselves and to other people from the same bowl. Everyone ends up eating the same thing--we must examine carefully what we are dishing out.

~ Bhante Henepola Gunaratana, "Eight Mindful Steps to Happiness"

I know that is not about food, but (not) speaking of food...

I am trying to be more conscious of my eating because it has gotten way out of control of late. I've also lost a lot of bloat in the past several days so I feel more myself again. I am very struck by how much I am obsessing about food today. In general, on any given day at work, I can eat my way around the office (but don't). Many people here have candy bowls on their desks and everyone is free to dip. I also contribute $$ to one woman who has a nice candy dish right near the back door -- so many people stop and dip. Well, today I have't dipped in anybody's dish. But I sure am thinking about it. I think instead I will eat a small raisin snack I brought to work with me. I've also just finished a large cup of green tea. But I want more of that as well.

So here I am at another beginning, trying to follow a food plan. Not a diet. A food plan that includes regular food, but no sugar (candy) noshing. No late night high caloric deserts. No mega-sized portions for dinner. After all, my pouch is only the size of a large thimble! And more veggies and salad. Because there is so much contraband around here it is often easier for me to eat healthier and lower calories on time off from work. I mostly eat my lunch in the office these days and that has lessened my intake but has also reduced the amount of salad I'm eating.

I think the next time I have surgery for my eating disorder it should be brain surgery.

But back to Buddha. I liked today's words of wisdom. It is easy for me to point at the behavior of others as the source of my pain or discomfort than it is for me to see that perhaps I am my own pain. When I can remember that I am getting what I'm giving it is easier for me to focus on me and how I am treating myself as well as others.

The other side of that is it is easier to be patient and gentle with the ill-behavior of others when I can remember that they are causing themselves the same pain as they are causing me. That they are in pain and putting it out and need compassion and kindness to learn how to treat themselves better.

Can a student be a teacher? Only a true student can be a teacher. Can a submissive be a Dominant? Only a true submissive can be a Dominant.

It's Sunday but I wish it were Friday night. I had a particularly taxing week last week at work and I am still exhausted from it. I have today to slug it out and then begin another week of fun at the start of the school year!

I've been so busy and so tired in the evening that I haven't written in my journal since last Monday morning! That is very unusual for me.

I seriously considered resigning from my position on the KTC board this week. I feel like I'm not paying enough attention to it, or doing it 100% the way it should be done. I feel detached and fragmented from it. My work life and home life and physical health have been so engaging and all consuming that I haven't had the energy mentally or physically to do my sangha service well. And it has felt more like obligation than service. None of that is ok with me.

We had a board meeting yesterday and I was going to inform my fellow board members that when my term was up (Nov.) I was not going to run for treasurer again. Then I woke up with a thought yesterday morning that seemed to come out of nowhere. While I was fretting about how I was going to bail out on them I had this thought that I needed to move KTC up on my priority list and do it right. That's what needed to change, not terminating my commitment.

When we had the Board meeting MDT asked that each of the Board members run for office again if at all possible. We all agreed to run for another 2 year term. I will move my commitment up to allow energy, time and clarity to do the best I can to ensure the finances of the sangha.

Needless to say, in all this busyness I haven't done any artwork. I haven't done any gardening - more from the 90+heat/90+humidity we are experiencing than anything else. I haven't worked in or cleaned my studio. I haven't cleaned my nightstand in the bedroom, which has prevented F from cleaning the bedroom. I feel like a logger jam. And I'm just too tired to do anything about it.

I have 2 MD appts next week. One with my GP and another with a new GYN. I'll have blood drawn Fri and hopefully can determine if I am anemic (I really feel like I am) and if something else is going on. I've been taking B-12 vitamins (about 2500mg a day, + my liquid vitamins, + Goji juice) and I still can't get a feeling of being built up. I'm bloated and retaining water like crazy and have been since before my period started. This morning I took a dhiaretic. Clear a path to the loo - I hope to be going all day long.

Now that I've written this big whine and my health complaints, I feel like an old fart. I got a haircut this week and I am grayer than ever, the sides pure white now and the top more salt than pepper. Oy, will I ever really get it going? My life, I mean. Will I ever have the opportunity to take a deep breath without already working on the exhale? I guess what I always imagine is that I will get there when I'm retired. I will have the time then to do my life more slowly, more deliberately. I know that is not the answer. The answer is do it now. Eliminate the wasteful time and energy eaters in my life and add in slower, deeper breaths.

"Never complain, never explain." ~~Attributed to Benjamin Disraeli, Jennifer Jones, Henry Ford II, Katherine Hepburn, Dorothy Parker and others

"I have often regretted my speech, never my silence." ~~Publilius Syrus, 1st Century B.C.

Sympathy Fertility

This has been a busy week. At work we are moving closer and closer to the start of school on August 20th. Our teachers started back today, working to get their classrooms ready for the new children. Today 20 of us met for lunch in Starke to say goodbye to a loved co-worker who is moving on to another job. She's a wonderful, wonderful teacher, but really needs a break. She's had tough classrooms for the past 2 years and that added to the fatigue of being a teacher for many years, just burnt her to a crisp. So while I will miss her very much, I'm happy she has found something else, some other way to give to her community.

Last weekend friends were visiting and it ended on a rather stressful and sad note. The stress and sadness has lingered throughout the week. Change is so painful. It often feels insurmountable. It is unavoidable. It is the greatest source of growth but I hate the pain of it. My own and the pain of others. The week has ended more painfully than the weekend did.

Throughout the weekend and the beginning of the week I waited in excited anticipation for the birth of my nephew's first child. He arrived Wednesday morning and is doing really, really well on this, his 3rd day back on earth. I felt such joy and such relief that this baby was healthy. Unfortunately, their first pregnancy did not go well and the fetus was determined to have severe spina bifida. There was a lot of anxiety for me about this pregnancy because of it. But all is well and I am so relieved.

So relieved, in fact, that I celebrated Joe and Karen's fertility by having a full blown period 7 years after my last period. I am in my mid 50's and began menopause at about 45. I thought I was done, or certainly on the last side of it. For about 10 days I have felt like I was retaining water, my breasts have been sore, and Thursday I had bad cramps. Low and behold, by thursday evening I was bleeding, just like the old days. Today it was worse. I will go to a gyn asap because this can be more than just sympathy fertility I am experiencing. It could mean there is a problem.

While it's been a good week on many fronts, it's been a difficult and at times trying one on other fronts. And now it's the weekend.

New Family

Daddy Joe with his first born.

Grandma, grandpa, and Uncle Richard with mom and baby.

Conner Joseph born 8-8-07 by c section, weighing 9 lbs 4 oz and 21" long.

I've Been Tagged

I was tagged by Nadiyya

The Rules
1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
4. Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.


I love to be home with my partner, Frankye, quiet, enjoying each other and our animals

I love to look at art and make pictures

I love to sing, and do when I’m alone and listening to the radio or CD’s in my car

I have been clean and sober for 31 years

I do not always like my memories

My sister is my favorite person on this planet

I don’t care about a lot of things that used to be of extreme importance to me

I have a dream of retiring and travelling the US and Canada in a trailer with my partner and dog(s)

"My only fear of death is reincarnation"

lyric from No More Pain by Tupac Shakur, written by DeGrate, Donald Earle/Smith, Clifford/Diggs and Robert F

Wanting

So there is no misunderstanding, this blog is about me, and only me. I am talking out loud to myself, not preaching or giving messages to others.

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
No, you can't always get what you want
And if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

The lyrics to an old Rolling Stones song go through my head on a pretty regular basis. It is a refrain I am familiar with both lyrically and experientially. It happens all the time to me. Sometimes I am the person experiencing the “no” and sometimes I’m delivering the “no.” Other times I am just witnessing someone not getting what they want. All three views are difficult.

I guess the reason I like the song is that it ends on a hopeful note “…but if you try sometime you find you get what you need.”

F and I had guests this weekend. We hadn’t been together for 4 months and we were looking forward to a reunion. For the most part it was very enjoyable. Good to be with one another, good to laugh together. But by the end of the weekend I felt sadness. I felt sadness for me, sadness for F, sadness for my friends. Things change, life changes, people we love change. People we love make difficult decisions that enhance their lives and we make decisions that enhance our lives. They are not always mutually beneficial.

One of my friends questioned if her attachment was wrong. Attachment isn’t wrong. Attachment is painful. That is the lesson of the Buddha. How do you let go of suffering? Let go of attachment. But it’s hard to do and it means not getting what you want. We westerners don’t have a lot of experience with that. We have so much and want so much more. The wanting grows. Even when the desire is periodically fulfilled, it doesn’t last. If we buy everything we want, manipulate everything we want, steal everything we want, we will be left wanting more, something newer, more attractive, a new itch to scratch, a new person to play with.

I’m looking at what I want and questioning why I want it, what will it do for me, what will I get from it, how long will I be satisfied with it? On more than one occasion I have wanted, wanted, wanted something, enough to save or sacrifice, or throw caution to the wind and get it for myself, only to cast it aside, sometimes the same day, as though the act of purchase itself was where the satisfaction was. Using it or consuming it had no relevance to satisfaction.

I am sorry to say I have done this in the past with lovers. Passion and sexual tension drove me to woo and court someone, only to find that the wooing and courting was far more satisfactory than the relationship I sought.

So what, if anything, is the moral of all this? Attachment is suffering, painful, and breeds disappointment and desire, which in turn breeds more suffering. It’s a ring of fire, and there is no way out but to step outside the ring. That’s frightening and painful in itself, but the promise from the Buddhas is that the suffering subsides.

Where to begin? Where I was left. With a sense of sadness that no matter what I wanted or was attached to it could not be fully possessed by me and would not satisfy my desire. Hanging on tighter won't get it. Letting go of it won't get it either, but it will make the suffering go away. I didn’t get what I wanted, but I got what I needed.