Contradictions

Contradictions are not easy for me. I like things to be neat and predictable. I realize as a Buddhist that I have a long, long way to go because life is not predictable, or neat, or fair, or without contradictions. Things change all the time whether you want them to, approve them or even see them coming. I accept that as a living being. I do. But I have difficulty letting go of my expectations that there are some things in which we can expect consistency. The U. S. Supreme Court taught me today that that may not be a reasonable expectation either.

I'm not a lawyer, and I don't know much about the law butI have a curiosity about the workings of the U.S. Supreme Court and often follow rulings made by the court that could effect my life and the protection of individual rights in America. I understand the importance of the court as the interpreter and guardian of the U.S. Constitution. The Supreme Court ensures that all Americans, regardless of social standing or economic position, will receive equal justice under the law. I don't always agree with the court's rulings. In fact there are times when I fear for the constitution's power in guaranteeing individual rights to citizens.

The current social climate, with a clear and strong agenda proposed by a conservative minority, has taken some steps away from the individual rights interpretation of the constitution that has permeated the Court since the 1950's. In yesterdays's ruling onGeorgia v. Randolph, the Court voted on whether police could search a home when one occupant, who is present, gives consent, and the co-occupant, who is also present, does not give consent. The Court voted 5 - 3 for police needing consent of all present occupants. Good news for those of us who are proponents of individual rights.

In thinking about this ruling I couldn't help but contrast it to a ruling the Court made on June 23, 2005 on Kelo v. New London . In that 5 -4 ruling the Court voted to allow use of the power of emminent domain to force the purchase of individually owned properties for the sole purpose of building businesses that would create jobs in the economically depressed New London CT community. In the past eminent domain has applied to use of property deemed for public use only. This ruling, conceivably, allows big business to legally confiscate properties in preferred areas for the sole purpose of promoting their own profit making opportunities. And, oh yea, it will create a number of service jobs as well. Visions of smaller homes and communities being dismantled along the coasts of America by large casinos and resort operations are easy to conjure with this law.

Sometimes I don't know what these people (the justices) are thinking. In the course of 9 months they have voted that police cannot enter without all occupant's, if present, approval, BUT a company can come along and force you to sell to them at their price if they can prove it will change the economic outlook of the community. So, no one can come into your house without consent, but your house and property can be confiscated and demolished without your consent.

Buddhist or not, this does not make sense to me.

A Word From Merton

In technological society, in which the means of communication and signification have become fabulously versatile, and are at the point of an even more prolific development, thanks to the computer with its inexhaustible memory and its capacity for immediate absorption and organization of facts, the very nature and use of communication itself becomes unconsciously symbolic. Though he now has the capacity to communicate anything, anywhere, instantly, man finds himself with nothing to say. Not that there are not many things he could communicate, or should attempt to communicate. He should, for instance, be able to meet with his fellow man and discuss ways of building a peaceful world. He is incapable of this kind of confrontation. Instead of this, he has intercontinental ballistic missiles which can deliver nuclear death to tens of millions of people in a few moments. This is the most sophisticated message modern man has, apparently, to convey to his fellow man. It is, of course, a message about himself, his alienation from himself, and his inability to come to terms with life.“

From Love and Living by Thomas Merton

Footnote: Thomas Merton died by accidental electrocution in Bangkok, Thailand, while attending a meeting of religious leaders on 10 December 1968, long before public access to the internet and the common use of email.

The Antedote

"Often we see other sentient beings as hassles: "This mosquito is disturbing me. Those politicians are corrupt. Why can't my colleagues do their work correctly?" and so on. But when we see sentient beings as being more precious than a wish-fulfilling jewel, our perspective completely changes. For example, when we look at a fly buzzing around, we train ourselves to think, "My enlightenment depends on that fly." This isn't fanciful thinking because, in fact, our enlightenment does depend on that fly. If that fly isn't included in our bodhicitta, then we don't have bodhicitta, and we won't receive the wonderful results of generating bodhicitta--the tremendous purification and creation of positive potential.

Imagine training your mind so that when you look at every single living being, you think, "My enlightenment depends on that being. The drunk who just got on the bus--my enlightenment depends on him. The soldier in Iraq--my enlightenment depends on him. My brothers and sisters, the teller at the bank, the janitor at my workplace, the president of the United States, the suicide bombers in the Middle East, the slug in my garden, my eighth-grade boyfriend, the babysitter when I was a kid--my enlightenment depends on each of them." All sentient beings are actually that precious to us. "

--from Cultivating a Compassionate Heart: The Yoga Method of Chenrezig by Bhikshuni Thubten Chodron, published by Snow Lion Publications

The Wit and Wisdom of Kurt Vonnegut

Here is a lesson in creative writing. First rule: Do not use semicolons. They are transvestite hermaphrodites representing absolutely nothing. All they do is show you've been to college.

I don't know about you, but I practice a disorganized religion. I belong to an unholy disorder. We call ourselves "Our Lady of Perpetual Astonishment."

Evolution is so creative. That's how we got giraffes.

We are here on earth to fart around. Don't let anybody tell you any different.

Do you think Arabs are dumb? They gave us our numbers. Try doing long division with Roman numerals.

The highest treason in the USA is to say that Americans are not loved, no matter where they are or what they are doing there.

There are two things about American culture no Martian would ever understand. What is it, what can it possibly be about blowjobs and golf?

Life is no way to treat an animal.

My Father said, "when in doubt, castle."

~all quotes from A Man Without a Country by Kurt Vonnegut

A Dangerous Mind in a Powerful Position

President Bush reaffirming his strike-first policy against terrorists and enemy nations: "If necessary ... under long-standing principles of self defense, we do not rule out the use of force before attacks occur."

President Bush in reference to Iran, March 15, 2006

FROM THE NATIONAL SECURITY STRaTEGY MARCH 2006
The new strategic environment requires new approaches to deterrence and defense. Our deterrence strategy no longer rests primarily on the grim premise of inflicting devastating consequences on potential foes. Both offenses and defenses are necessary to deter state and non-state actors, through denial of the objectives of their attacks and, if necessary, responding with overwhelming force.

Safe, credible, and reliable nuclear forces continue to play a critical role. We are strengthening deterrence by developing a New Triad composed of offensive strike systems (both nuclear and improved conventional capabilities); active and passive defenses, including missile defenses; and a responsive infrastructure, all bound together by enhanced command and control, planning, and intelligence systems. These capabilities will better deter some of the new threats we face, while also bolstering our security commitments to allies. Such security commitments have played a crucial role in convincing some countries to forgo their own nuclear weapons programs, thereby aiding our nonproliferation objectives.

Deterring potential foes and assuring friends and allies, however, is only part of a broader approach. Meeting WMD proliferation challenges also requires effective international action – and the international community is most engaged in such action when the United States leads.

From Section V: Prevent Our Enemies from Threatening Us, Our Allies, and Our Friends with Weapons of Mass Destruction, 4. The Need for Action

This man could get us all killed.

What a Dump!

Bette Davis said "what a dump!" was her favorite movie line. I don't think I ever saw the movie she actualy said it in but I did see her do a parody of her own performance of that line when she was between 80 and death.

The line comes to mind after several days of hearing tragic news about the war in Iraq, the death of Slobodan Milosevic, the murder of an American hostage in Iraq, the genocide in Sudan-Chad which no one is doing anything about, the AIDS pandemic in Africa, the "spin" our American President puts on it all, and the total incompetetance and lack of concern of the United States Congress. All these things make me feel this world is a dump!

I cant remember a time in my life that I have been this disgusted with politics and the American democratic process. Angry? Yes, but not disgusted. Spurred to action? Yes, but not disgusted enough to walk away from it all and not give it another thought. Right now I am at the point of doing just that. I am so disgusted (I can't think of a better word) with the level of dishonesty and bullshit being spouted on all media outlets by the people who are entrusted with resolving problems. All I see is that these poor stewards are creating more problems rather than solving some that are unavoidable.

I think in the old days - you know, when everything was in sepia tones - people didn't know so much about what was happening in every corner of the world and they were able to focus more on what was happening in front of their own faces. As overwhelming as personal and local problems can be, when you have them and the burden of millions being slaughtered several thousand miles away, it can be numbing to the point of detachment from your own humanity. The sadness and anger and grief can be so overwhelming as to render one useless. Useless. I guess that's how I feel. A long believer in one voice-one vote can change the world I no longer believe that is true. The dump we call our world is bigger than my one vote and one voice.

This is a rather pointless blog. I just needed to rant a bit about my disgust (again, the best choice)with the news of the world.

The Benefits of Meditation

This past Friday evening, Khenpo Ugyen Tenzin held at public talk at FCCJ Kent campus entitled, "Benefits of Mediation."

TheVenerable Khenpo Ugyen Tenzin is a Tibetan Buddhist scholar holding an Acharya Degree (Ph.D. equivalent) and is the new Abbot of KarmaTriyana Dharmachakra in Woodstock NY.

Khenpo Ugyen began his teaching with a recitation of the Mahamudra Lineage Payer. Following are my notes from that evening:

Meditation is a vast field covering a variety of topics of meditation, such as tranquility, faith, loving compassion, kindness, and suffering, to name a few.

The basis of all meditation is Shamatha Meditation - the meditation of tranquility and Vypashana Meditation - the meditation of insight.

Suffering - physical, mental and emotional suffering - are all the result of manifestations of the mind. In essence, suffering does not exist. Most beings do not understand that suffering is a mental creation. In that same way, peace of mind is also a mental creation. We don't understand that suffering and pleasure are mental creations and so we seek external ways to recreate these manifestations.

In order to achieve lasting peace we cannot achieve it through external or material means. Our material bodies are not permanent. We fill our lives with jobs and all kinds of activities seeking peace and happiness. But we can't find peace in material things because they too are impermanent. An example: When a house is demolished so are the drawings on the wall of the house. So we can decorate the house however we like, but because the house will not last forever, neither will the decorations. All material things do not have true existence because they are impermanent.

If we seek happiness or pleasure from our mind it will be true or lasting. Our mind is what is permanent. We can achieve peace and happiness in this life and in future lives.

If you meet a person who has harmed or hurt you, or will harm or hurt you, your mind can conjure thoughts of hatred or fear. Thoughts of hatred and fear is suffering. Physical suffering is also a mental creation. When we cannot protect ourselves we feel fear and we suffer. Mental anguish produces physical suffering. If you give up thoughts of hatred, fear, and retaliation you will have peace whether the person harms you or not.

Mental conceptions produce anger. Suffering is produced from attachment. If you are content you won't develop fear or anger.

If we meet people who are equal to us and we try to be competitive with them to be better than they are - that is attachment. Attachments brings suffering. If we meet people who are better than us and we become jealous and competitive to be as good as them or better - this is attachment. These thoughts will bring you no peace or happiness, only suffering.

When we cannot feel satisfied and are motivated by jealousy and restless thoughts it results in suffering.

If we learn to be satisfied with what we are, who we are, and what we have we can let go of competitiveness and jealousy and suffering will not appear. If we are satisfied we will have no hope. Hope breeds fear - fear of not achieving our goal. If we let go of all this we can have peace.

If we let go of all thoughts and concepts of attachment - anger, jealousy, craziness (negative emotions) - we can have peace in this life and future lives.

The purpose of meditation is learning how to let go of these thoughts and negative emotions which produce suffering. Through meditation we can train our minds to let go of these thoughts. Meditation means to let go of negative emotions and focus our mind single-pointedly on wholesome thoughts.

At our present stage our minds are so restless, like the waves in an ocean or a candle in the wind. Our minds are always distracted by thoughts of the past, present and future. Our minds are not able to rest for even a single moment.

Meditation pacifies all kinds of upset and emotions and agitations. Through meditation one can get stability in one's mindfulness.

If we encounter suffering while practicing meditation it is the result of one's past karma. This kind of suffering can be overcome.

Through training, utilizing the meditation of tranquility, and focusing the mind on the breath, we can achieve stability of our mind. Don't reject thoughts, just let them come and then turn your mind back to your breath. Through this, negative emotions will be suppressed and they will subside.

We will not be able to completely eliminate negative emotions through tranquility meditation alone. To get to the root of the negative emotions we must also practice insight (vypashana) meditation. During insight meditation we analyze the "I" and "mind." What is mind? Is there an I? What is ego? Who is asking the question?

If we do insight meditation without the stability of tranquility meditation it will be like a candle in the wind - not lasting. Inseparability of tranquility and insight meditation is absolute bodhichitta (ultimate nature of the mind).

If we meditate we can pacify the sufferings of this life and future lives.

These are my notes on the talk. Any thing that doesn't make sense or is not correct is my error, not Khenpo Ugyen's.

-----------

"Hard to hold down,
nimble,
alighting wherever it likes:
the mind.
Its taming is good.
The mind well-tamed
brings ease."

-Dhammapada, 3, translated by Thanissaro Bhikkhu.

Emotions

I am often filled with emotion. I take medication and it doesn’t seem to alleviate the malady. To be more specific it is better, it’s just not fixed. I can go for long periods of time with my emotions appropriately in proportion to every thing else in my life. And then there are those other times when my emotions seem to have a life of their own and they loom large in my daily life. I hate the fluctuation of my emotions. I don’t hate that they are constantly changing, I accept that as the nature of the beast. I hate that the volume pumps up periodically and really disrupts the peace of my life.

In Tibetan Buddhist teaching there is a distinction between emotions and feelings. Traleg Rinpoche teaches that “feelings are associated with the body and emotions are partly mental and partly physical. Emotions can be skillful or unskillful. Feelings cannot… Our thinking and our experience of emotions are intimately related; we cannot separate the two… What we believe in and how we think has a direct influence on the emotions we experience.”

There are times when I am completely, almost to the point of incapacitation, filled with emotion. My emotions can rage to the brewing over point, with all the fortitude my mental justification can muster. I keep thinking it is situational; that it is situations in my life and relationships that cause the flare-ups. Maybe that’s true. I don’t know. I need to find out. That is what my quest is at this point. Maybe it’s a fool’s quest.

Maybe it doesn’t matter why it happens. Maybe the key is in controlling it no matter what the stimulation. I don’t know the answer to that either. I do believe that my thoughts effect my emotions. I do know that if I change how I think my emotions will change. Is it merely an issue of looking at situations and realizing what I think is happening isn’t happening? I don’t know. Is there ever a case when situations or environments can do nothing but create raging thoughts and emotions in a person? I don’t know.

I think of people who experienced horrible atrocities, like war, extreme poverty or impending annihilation. What about their emotions? Are extreme emotions appropriate and healthy in that situation? Is it possible in those situations to find peace within yourself and control of your emotions regardless of the suffering imposed by the situation? If it is appropriate in those situations, when, or at what point, do they become inappropriate?

I don’t have the answer to any of these questions, certainly not in an experiential way. But I want to find out.

Love Is Our True Destiny

"Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone – we find it with another. We do not discover the secret of our lives merely by study and calculation in our own isolated meditations. The meaning of our life is a secret that has to be revealed to us in love, by the one we love. And if this love is unreal, the secret will not be found, the meaning will never reveal itself, the message will never be decoded. At best, we will receive a scrambled and partial message, one that will deceive and confuse us. We will never be fully real until we let ourselves fall in love – either with another human person or with God."

~~From Love and Living by Thomas Merton

The Essence of Buddhism

The Jacksonville KTC has just begun a group study of The Essence of Buddhism by the Venerable 9th Traleg Kyabgon Rinpoche. It’s a wonderful book that approaches Buddhism from the perspective of the Kagyu lineage, the second oldest lineage in Tibetan Buddhism. The Kagyu lineage is also the most wide spread school of Tibetan Buddhism in the United States. Unlike many of the Tibetan born monks who have emigrated to the west, Traleg Rinpoche speaks and teaches in English. He also has a deep understanding of western philosophy and culture and presents the teachings in a way that is easily understood, yet not over simplified, by westerners.

The very first chapter of the book addresses the foundation of the Buddha’s teachings, known as the Four Noble Truths. They are:

1. The truth of suffering
2. The origin of suffering
3. The cessation of suffering
4. The way out of suffering

The truth of suffering is that all living beings experience suffering. Even those who believe they are “happy,” experience suffering in one form or another. As everything changes, so does states of happiness. In my life, and in our culture, a tremendous amount of emphasis is placed on “happiness.” Will that relationship make me happy? Will that car make me happy? Will that job, or school, or friendship, or living situation make me happy? Do the choices in my life make me happy? This is often synonymous with “do I have problems?” Surely, if I have problems I can’t be happy. And if I’m not happy I’m not doing it right, and who wouldn’t do it right if they could? Only a person with problems.

You can’t meditate on suffering without meditating on happiness. We may find happiness at times, but it is always temporary. Feelings change, feelings of happiness, sorrow, anger, dissatisfaction - all change. Circumstances change. Our bodies change. Our health changes. We’ve all experienced periods of emotional roller coasters, up and down, up and down. Feeling ok. Feeling bad. Feeling nothing. We’ve experienced periods of good, strong health. We’ve experienced periods of illness, flu, colds, and, for some, more serious illnesses. Seeking happiness all the time, or expecting a state of happiness to be permanent breeds dissatisfaction. Because happiness is not permanent.

I recently wrote about being dissatisfied in a previous blog. It is a feeling that overwhelms me periodically. I feel dissatisfied and focus on one or two aspects of my life. I generally seek out a cause for that dissatisfaction outside of my self. I case build to validate my anger and frustration. I focus on it or the person and blame, blame, blame. I either set out to extricate myself from the problematic circumstance or I brood about it with the self righteous knowledge that “it’s not my fault!” And like everything else, the feeling of dissatisfaction changes, and goes away, till next time.

Buddhism is often thought to be predicated on a pessimistic view of life. If life is suffering, if that is the truth of it, then why bother? Why not just end it all? After all, life is not meant to be an endurance contest. But that is not what Buddha taught. In Traleg Rinpoches’s words, “The Buddha was not against happiness; rather he gave us a method of finding out how to overcome that sense of dissatisfaction, and this method is part of the last noble truth.”

Learning the method takes many millions of lifetimes. But ya gotta start somewhere. And here I am. Fortunate enough to be born into a situation that has exposed me (even if late in life) to the teachings of the Buddha. There’s no magic in Buddhism. There’s no savior or divine being that oversees and orchestrates all. There are only truths. The truth of suffering. The truth of cause and effect. And the words of the Buddha, as he instructs us not to take his word for it. He encourages all to seek and find for themselves.

The teachings of the Buddha make sense to me only when I apply the menutia of my life to them. When I examine my feelings, my behavior, my experiences and patterns, then I can understand what his teachings are all about. Unlike my experiences with other religions, there are no mysteries. There is only that which I have not yet experienced , faced honestly, or thoroughly examined.

A Visit With My Parents

I went the Delray to visit my parents this past weekend. It was a very pleasant visit. One of the most pleasant I can remember. I spent time alone with my parents until my mother's brother came from Sarasota and stayed overnight. The following morning my brother, his wife and youngest son came over and we all had a long, loud, talkative breakfast together. It was wonderful.

I really miss my family at times. Not always, but more and more asI get older. I live in a town where I have no relatives. The closest family to me is 300 miles away. I have to plan to see them. No inpromptu visits, like my brother did this past weekend. No get togethers to share a single meal and then back to our own homes. I usually plan visits when I have a 3 day weekend. The 5+ hours there and then back takes a bite out of the time I would spend with them. In fact, when I fly to NY to see my sister the whole trip takes about 5 hours with transport to and from both airports and the flight.

This past weekend my mother gave me a wonderful gift. She has spent the last several months creating a memory book for me. It starts with photos of my great grandparents when they were young and includes photos and mementos through 2006, with recent photos of my grand nephew Zack, the yougest member of our family. The book is wonderful. It is in a cherry wood binder, with beautifully decorated pages. There are many photos of favored relatives, my maternal grandmother, my paternal grandfather, my Aunt Lena, cousins Camille, Ginny and Linda, my Uncle Joe and godparents Aunt Madeline and Uncle Phil, my father's brother Marty and Aunt Pat. Lots of pictures of me and my brother and sister when we were kids, and photos of my parents when they were young and energetic.

The book I will cherish, but it also makes me sad. So many of those people are gone and I loved them so much. Not only for who they were but for how good I always felt around them. This was my family and when I was with them I felt loved and knew I belonged to the best group of people in the whole world. I miss them and seeing them this past weekend and remembering them when they looked certain ways, or at events I remember fodly made me miss them all the more.

While most of the people I have loved in my life are gone now - family and friends - I am richer for them having been in my life. I couldn't separate them out from my DNA if I wanted to. Their lives and love are imbedded in my genes, in my memories, in my personality and will be for as long as I am alive.

He's At It Again!

Dear Senator Martinez (Nelson, Clinton, Kerry, Frist),

I do NOT support a US government contract with Dubai Ports World to secure ports in the USA.

How are Americans to regard the war on terror with seriousness if the the federal government does not? While the government of the United Arab Emirates is considered an ally of the United States it has also shown a tolerance and willingness to aid terrorists. Allowing Dubai Ports World of United Arab Emirates to secure our ports is a complete contradiction with this administrations policy of zero tolerance for terrorists and its supporters.

This issue indicates the extreme degree to which our government is out of touch with the American people and inconsistent with its own rhetoric.

DUMB is the only word that comes to mind when I hear this proposal. DUMB is the only word that comes to mind when I read that the President says this is a done deal. VOTE THEM OUT is the phrase that comes to mind when I see how foolishly our government has squandered the lives of Americans, our resources, and our good standing in the world.

I urge you to voice an objection to the port deal. I urge you to speak up against the arrogance and stupidity of this administration.

Sincerely,

Cynthia Kessler

Meaningful Quotes

Some helpful (to me) quotes that came my way via my email inbox this week:

What one has to abandon: how to get rid of arrogance by means of an antidote "I'm not beyond my karma, the deeds I've done; I'll still fall ill, age, die, and leave my friends." Think like this again and yet again And with this remedy avoid all arrogance.

"I will be sick, I will grow old, I will die, I will be separated from those I love, my relations and so forth. In such manner, the fully ripened effect of my actions will come to me and to no one else, and I am therefore not above depending on what I did in former lives." To think like this again and again is the antidote to such things as arrogance: make every effort not to become arrogant by meditating on this antidote.

~~ from Nagarjuna's Letter to a Friend: with Commentary by Kangyur Rinpoche by Nagarjuna, translated by the Padmakara Translation Group, published by Snow Lion Publications


"The results of karma cannot be known by thought, and so should not be speculated about. Thus, thinking, one would come to distraction and distress."Therefore, Ananda, do not be the judge of people; do not make assumptions about others. A person is destroyed by holding judgments about others."-Anguttura Nikaya

~~From "Teachings of the Buddha," edited by Jack Kornfield, 1993. Reprinted by arrangement with Shambhala Publications, Boston,


All those who suffer in the world do so because of their desire for their own happiness. All those happy in the world are so because of their desire for the happiness of others.

~~Bodhicaryavatara


“The heresy of individualism: thinking oneself a completely self-sufficient unit and asserting this imaginary ‘unity’ against all others. The affirmation of the self as simply ‘not the other.’ But when you seek to affirm your unity by denying that you have anything to do with anyone else, by negating everyone else in the universe until you come down to you: what is there left to affirm? Even if there were something to affirm, you would have no breath left with which to affirm it.

The true way is just the opposite: the more I am able to affirm others, to say ‘yes’ to them in myself, by discovering them in myself and myself in them, the more real I am. I am fully real if my own heart says yes to everyone. “

~~From Thomas Merton: Essential Writings, selected with an Introduction by Christine M. Bochen (Maryknoll, New York, Orbis Books 2000), Page 142. Originally published in Conjectures of a Guilty Bystander by Thomas Merton (New York: Doubleday, 1966) Pages 128-29.

I read and remember, and meditate quotes because they help me. They help me be patient with myself and others. Too often, I find myself doubting my life, the road I have chosen. Not so much the buddhist path I have chosen. I rarely doubt that as a choice, the part of that I doubt is my own abilities in walking it well.

Mostly what I doubt is the choices I've made in my life - about relationships. Not just my current relationship. But all my past relationships, from parental, to sibling, to lovers, and friends, employers and neighbors. I am questioning them all. What are relationships in detachment and how does one do that? Why have them? Can they not be a part of my life, and yet still live a life giving to others? Is feeding a roaring fire giving?

There is much more I can say. Clearly I am in a state of disatisfaction right now. Not sure if change is needed or if I need to learn detachment. So for now I will just leave it at quotes are of comfort and are mind food for me.

New York

I've had New York on my mind lately. Perhaps it was the tv reports of record snowfalls this past weekend. It was reported that 27" of snow fell in Central Park. All week I've had these memory scenes flashing through my mind.

Snow in NYC is not very common. Though it may snow a few times during the course of winter, there is rarely any substantial accumulation because the amount of traffic on the roads and the heat caused by the subways beneath the sidewalks and streets melts the snow faster than it can fall.

I remember how exciting it would be to have snow, especially a big snow, on a weekend day. The city would become quiet. Road traffic would lessen, fewer people would be out on the streets, and there would be an air of neighborliness from smiling passers by.

I remember a particular Saturday night when I was living on West 83rd Street. It had started to snow about 8 P.M., and reports said it would snow all night long. I went out at about 10 P.M., me and dozens of my neighbors, walking the four blocks to the corner of W.79th and Broadway to wait for the Sunday New York Times to be thrown from a truck in front of the newstand. I stopped at Zabars on my way and picked up treats for the next morning. It was packed. Upper West Siders were stocking up on gourmet fare in the hopes that they would be snow bound the next day. I knew from the anticipated looks on everyones face that, like me, they would grab the 8" thick newspapers and return to the warmth of our homes, with everything we needed to be happy tucked under our arms.

Waking on Monday mornings after an accumalted snow fall was never a treat. Snow brown with street dirt, piled on the corners, slushy or icy and slippery, the snow would no longer be fun or pretty. I remember those days as being dangerous for me (major fear of falling and breaking bones), and ugly and grumpy. I hated the dirty snow, the dog urine stains getting larger each day. The garbage piled up, the sidewalks blocked. It was awful.

I sometimes wonder if I would like living in NYC again. I know I would be in better physical shape. You walk so much in NY, you almost stay in shape by default. I was forced to climb several flights of stairs daily, in and out of the subway, and upstairs to my office. There are book stores and restaurants on second floors with no elevators, theatres with screening rooms with stair access only, etc. One is forced to walk, no matter what you want to do. If you are in a wheel chair the city is immediately cut into a fraction of itself when limited to disabled accessibility.

I think of the crowds, and the dirt, and the noise, and wonder if I would be able to deal with that again. I know right off that I don't want to. I don't dream of or desire to move back to the city. I think if I won the lottery I would want to buy a little condo so I could pop in and out and have a place to stay. Whenever I think of going to NY to visit the only thing I can think of doing while there is going to art museums and galleries. This coming October, the person who I think is America's greatest living artist, Brice Marden, is having a retrospective at MOMA. I want to go. I will probably do everything I can to go, even if it means flying up in the morning, taking a cab to the museum, seeing the show, then heading back to the airport and home, all in the same day. It's the only thing that's come along in 10 years that I think is worth the effort and expense.

The nice thing about memories is that they don't have to be realities. Not today. So while the record snowfall prompted warm memories, it only takes about 30 seconds for all the reasons I left NY to coming creeping into the picture.

Ode to Giraffes

I like giraffes. They are my favorite animals. They're strange looking but interesting too. I like that they are so huge, yet can appear very fragile. Their long neck allows them to see over the top of most things. They have a long, thick tongue, and hoof like feet. Their ears are big and so are their eyes.

Though they have the same number of vertebrae as humans, their necks are so, so long. They are the funniest looking things, but so cute too.

I know this blog seems pointless, and perhaps giraffes are pointless animals as well. What purpose do they serve? I haven't a clue. Then again, what purpose do I serve? Again, not a clue.

I guess there is a part of me that identifies with this silly looking animal. Wild, yet sedate. Huge, yet gentle enough to be in petting zoos. Their bodies are full and sturdy, with the same narrow and fragile looking legs as horses have. They are graceful, something that eludes me but that I aspire to.

Like the giraffe and myself, there is no point to this blog, other than to say that I like giraffes. I really like giraffes.

Friday Night's Teaching

Here are some notes from the teaching on Healing Mind and Body, given by Lama Tsultrim Yeshe on Friday evening:

The Buddha taught what is called the four noble truths. They are:
1. Life means suffering.
2. The origin of suffering is attachment.
3. The cessation of suffering is attainable.
4. There is a path to the cessation of suffering.

We, humans, have physical and mental afflictions. Our physical afflictions include disease, the effects of aging, and pain from injury. Mental afflictions include fear, depression, addictions, compulsions, emotional roller-coasters, and suffering.

The Buddha taught that we are all neurotic, but neurosis is workable and can be eliminated.

Are we afraid of our neurosis? Do we ignore it? Do we deny it? Worry about it? Exaggerate it?

Mind is awareness. It is the mind that experiences things. Our mind suffers, not our body. Our body experiences pain but our mind suffers.

We are always putting our “spin” on our experiences. Spin is our interpretation of events and experiences that becomes “truth” to us. We should be skeptical about our own spin.

The Buddha taught that we have a separate self /ego (not in the Freudian sense of ego) and judge these as being either pleasing, or displeasing to the self. This develops attachment and addiction if pleasant, and hatred and desire to destroy if unpleasant. If it is not strongly pleasant or unpleasant we can develop indifference. We become jealous if we think someone has it better, or arrogance if we think we have it better. If we did not have this other self/ego we could not have spin. We believe and are attached to our spin. We cannot believe it could be another way.

We try to manipulate our environment and others to keep chaos and uncertainty at bay. But the world is uncertain and chaotic and we can never avoid that. We tend to blame others for the results of uncertainty and chaos. Blaming others gives them control of our own suffering.

Meditation is a way of making our mind settled and see the world clearer.

Emotions are nothing but thoughts with credentials.

Friends who support our spin are our letters of recommendations.

The past is like a rotten seed - nothing can grow from it.

The future is like the son of a barren woman.

Plans are nothing but well thought-out fantasies.

All we have is now. We can only control the way we relate to the chaos in our lives. This is what heals neurosis. Cessation of suffering means there is no more spin or neurosis.

If there is no attachment to the self, there is no self to suffer.

Meditation is a way of synchronizing mind and body.

These are from my notes. Any misquoting, or misinterpretation of Lama Tsultrim Yeshe's teachings are mine alone.

Learning, Learning

It is said that to be fully alive one should learn something new everyday. Tonight I will be attending a teaching called Healing Mind and Body by a visiting American Lama named Tsultrim Yeshe (John Samuels). Lama Yeshe is from Minnesota, works as a prison chaplain, is an ordained Tibetan Buddhist monk in the Karma Kagyu lineage. He has completed the traditional three year, three month, three week retreat and now travels the country on weekends teaching the Buddha dharma at Kagyu centers.

I have taken several teachings from visiting Lamas since I took refuge vows six years ago. Most were given by Tibetans who spoke little or no English and required an interpreter to assist. My own teacher, Bardor Tulku Rinpoche, always teaches with a tanslator, though when I have been in private conversation with him, he understands me and I understand him. Tonight will be a different experience in that no translation is required, and the context within which Lama Yeshe will give his talk will be geared toward western culture.

On a personal level I continue to learn as well. I am learning that when I am wrapped up in negative emotions like anger and jealousy, I am usually out of touch with the real me. What is the real me? The real me knows that my feelings are not facts and that my feelings change rapidly, and therfore on an individual level they have no value. My thoughts also change as rapidly, perhaps even more rapidly and therefore also do not mean much. I can rant all I want in my head, case-build, deride others, argue point-by-point perceived slights or injustices, and none of it means anything.

I learned long ago in therapy that thoughts come first and then feelings. So if I am thinking I am persecuted, then I will feel persecuted. If I think I am loved I will feel loved. But learning doesn't always change behavior. That's where Buddhism fits in my life and maybe that is why it is called Buddhist practice.

A Silent Self

“There is a silent self within us whose presence is disturbing precisely because it is so silent: it can’t be spoken. It has to remain silent. To articulate it, to verbalize it, is to tamper with it, and in some ways to destroy it.

Now let us frankly face the fact that our culture is one which is geared in many ways to help us evade any need to face this inner, silent self. We live in a state of constant semiattention to the sound of voices, music, traffic, or the generalized noise of what goes on around us all the time. This keeps us immersed in a flood of racket and words, a diffuse medium in which our consciousness is half diluted: we are not quite ‘thinking,’ not entirely responding, but we are more or less there. We are not fully present and not entirely absent; not fully withdrawn, yet not completely available. It cannot be said that we are really participating in anything and we may, in fact, be half conscious of our alienation and resentment. Yet we derive a certain comfort from the vague sense that we are ‘part of’ something – although we are not quite able to define what that something is – and probably wouldn’t want to define it even if we could. We just float along in the general noise. Resigned and indifferent, we share semiconsciously in the mindless mind of Muzak and radio commercials which passes for ‘reality.’ "

From Thomas Merton: Essential Writings, selected with an Introduction by Christine M. Bochen (Maryknoll, New York, Orbis Books 2000), Pages 74-75. Originally published as “Creative Silence”, from Love and Living, ed. Naomi Burton Stone and Brother Patrick Hart (New York: Farrar, Straus & Giroux, 19879) Pages 38-43.

Busy Time

It's been a busy time, for no particular reason. The holiday rush is over, no extreme deadlines at work, no birthdays or family rituals to prepare for, nothing unusual happening or scheduled in the near future. Yet, I feel busy.

Most days consist of rising at 5:30, drinking coffee, eating breakfast, watching the news, watching one or two television programs I have tivo'd, feeding and caring for the young dogs, checking and writing email, and looking at my calendar for appts. Weekdays I get ready for work and usually leave by 9:10.

My commute to the office is a big 2 miles, door to door. If I am visiting one of our Head Start centers the commute can grow up to 1 1/2 hours one way depending on which county I visit. When in my office my day consists of a variety of tasks, including email, coordination of assessments, evaluation of assessment data, phone calls, trouble shooting questions and problem solving with two software programs I oversee staff use of, data collection and reporting on enrollment and federal matching funds, staff training, and occassional special projects. The majority of the time these tasks are done at a leisurely pace. Lunch times are more often than not spent with my friend Lori. When not together at lunch I can usually be found at the library or bringing Taco Bell into Barnes and Noble where I eat lunch and read. I generally leave work between 5:30 and 6:00.

Several times a week I stop at the food market on the way home. Once home I do a limited amount of chores: feed the dogs, let them out, change my clothes, put away groceries, and assess preparation for dinner. Frankye and I talk and watch the evening news. Depending on how long dinner preparation takes, I begin cooking for an estimated 7:30 dinner time. After dinner, unless there is something that must be done, I am in relax mode. I mostly watch TV with Frankye and read a newspaper or magazine, write in my journal, sometimes paint thumbnail paintings, play with the dogs, or, more often than I care to admit, play games on my laptop. I head for bed anywhere from 9 - 10:00 and after getting ready for bed, I read until too sleepy to do so, usually between 15 to 60 minutes. I usually sleep about 6 hours. I never set an alarm clock. I wake up when I'm done sleeping.

Weekends are usually less busy, unless there is a special event or project planned. I attend Sangha (Buddhist practice sessions) most Saturday mornings from 10 - 1:00. I sometimes have a board obligation or work I must do as Treasurer of the Tibetan Buddhist center I belong to. That is the only consistent obligation I have on weekends. I always try to schedule time in my art studio to work on paintings. When I'm lucky and smart about my time and energy I am able to spend time both Saturday and Sunday in my studio.

Frankye and I almost always spend time with our good friends Christie and Sue (aka wsahn and Q) on weekends. We eat together a lot. Their house, our house, restaurants. It doesn't matter. We like to share meals. We go to the movie with them more often than with any one else and we visit local bookstores for coffee, browsing, and chatter. We laugh a lot with Christie and Sue, and miss them if schedules don't allow at least one get together a week.

Looking back on what I've written I think the title of this blog is a misnomer. It's not busy time, it's Rich Life. I have and enjoy a rich life with people I love and enjoy. Not all the people I love and enjoy, but my daily life includes at least some of the people I love and enjoy. Everyday.