Post Atlanta

I had a wonderful time in Atlanta with Clio. It felt so good to be with her. I've missed her and really got in touch with that when I was with her. It's been so long since she and I have spent quality time together. I really wish we lived in the same city. But she is not likely to move to Jacksonville, and I am just as unlikely (if not more) to move to a city as big as Atlanta.

I have to tell you about a most incredible meal I had while in Atlanta. Food is important in my life and good food is a treat to be enjoyed, reminisced and remembered. Two good friends of Clio's, Peggy Jean and Leslie, invited us to dinner Saturday night. Clio's other friends, Peter and Francois, invited the dinner party to their house. Peggy Jean bought and cooked the meal, and Peter and Francois hosted it.

First, I have to say that Peter and Francois have a really nice home. I don't know what part of Atlanta it is in, so don't ask. The house has beautifully painted colorful walls, with restored wood features. The furniture is comfortable and big, and the ambience of the home reeks of comfort and welcome. The kitchen is open with a center island and beautiful appliances. The kitchen, dining room and living room flow into one another like in a loft. The floors are hard wood and beautifully done. The kitchen ceiling is also light hard wood. It was an incredibly comfortable environment to be in.

Peggy Jean, with some support from Peter, prepared the meal. What a meal it was! I am just going to list the menu:

broiled seasoned lamb served sliced and rare
spiced turkey sausage with no casing
roast pork sliced
baked perch and tilopia served in a delicious sauce
baked salmon steak
baked tuna steak
steamed and buttered green beans with feta cheese
boiled russet potatoes with butter and spices
roast bread with butter and garlic
wine
fresh cherry compote
pound cake
apple pie
Vanilla, dulce de leche, and chocolate Haagen-Dazs
cool whip

It was a feast. Everything was so delicious that I wished I could eat more than I was able. It was wonderful! And so was the company. In the hours we spent together we talked about our families, our histories of how we knew one another, retold funny anecdotes and jokes, laughed a lot, and just had a really wonderful evening. I feel so good that Clio has this group of friends in Atlanta. While I know she is lonely for a relationship and someone to share her life in an intimate way, I'm glad she has bright, interesting, caring friends to spend time with.

The other things we did included going to eat Indian food together and then spending time at Borders, eating out at a local pizzeria with Peggy Jean and Leslie, hanging out and watching movies together at home, going to look at an apartment for Clio together, fitting in a nap each day, talking, talking, talking, and just enjoying one another. We spent a little time at Peggy Jean and Leslie's apt and I got to see Peggy Jean's artwork. It is very unique, witty, funny and creative. We fit a lot in but we also had too little time together. It just went so quickly.

I want to see Clio more frequently. It only took 5 1/2 hours to drive up and it was worth every mile of it. I consider, and have considered, Clio my daughter (step-daughter but I couldn't love her more if I had birthed her) but I didn't know that she considered me her parent. When she said that to me it just felt so good. I felt as though I had actually contributed something to the world. Clio is truly a gift in my life and I am so proud of her. It was a good, good trip.

LIVE!!!!! from Atlanta - it's Saturday

morning!

Before I get into Atlanta and Clio, I want to recount an experience I had yesterday. I stationed myself in Macclenny so I would be halfway to I-75 when I got off work. In the course of my shuttling between centers in Macclenny I was temporarily postponed by the annual MLK Day parade.

I've been to many parades in my life: St.Patrick's Day, Columbus Day, Veteran's Day, Thanksgiving Day, Gay Day in 1/2 dozen cities, Mardi Gras parades, but I had never been to a country parade.

The size of the parade underwhelmed me. It consisted of the following: every Baker County owned vehicle including the fire engines, police, sheriff, EMT, water administation, NE FL telephone co., etc, sirens blaring if they had them. Music was supplied by the Baker County High School band in full marching velvet uniforms; though from what I saw and heard only the drummers knew how to play their instruments. There was another band that didn't even beat their drums. They had no uniforms or identifying sashes but by their ages they seemed to be intermediate school age. The elementary school provided a contingent from the "Just Say No" club.

There was a limo but the persons they were driving (windows up, a/c on, windows tinted) were not identified in any way. There was a wagon load of City Commissioners, followed by another wagon load of County Commissioners. There were several vans filled with elderly black people, a xeroxed photo of MLK taped to the sides of the van. There was a school bus from the local Baptist Church with two ladies and a driver practicing their Queen Elizabeth wave. There were six antique cars in the procession, in age order, the oldest, a model T, first, next a 1936 Chevrolet. The drivers declined in age as the vehicles did. I got the impression these were original owners. After the antique cars came the Black motorcycle club on their rice burners. Not a Harley to be found anywhere.

After all the VIPs came the best part of the parade. The one float in the parade that truly signifies the commitment of the community to honor Dr. King: On a long flatbed truck pulled by a huge Mac truck cab was the biggest John Deere tractor I had ever seen! Sitting proudly atop the seat of the tractor was a man dressed as Smokey the Bear, waving wildly to all six of us watching the parade.

Afterwards, I asked a co-worker why the parade was held on Friday and not Monday, the actual holiday. She said the county would have to pay time and half to get county workers to drive those vehicles in the parade. Friday is cheaper. And there it was. My first country parade.

I arrived safely in Atlanta and was absolutely thrilled to see Clio. Upon arrival we immediately went to a restaurant to pick up a pizza Clio had ordered in advance. En route she received a phone call from friends and we decided to meet them at the restaurant and stay in and eat our pizza. I met Clio's best friends and enjoyed our time together. I was surprised at how much they knew about me and that Clio had obviously mentioned me on at least one occassion. I liked her friends a lot and would easily include them in my social circle if I lived in the area.

Afterwards, we wnt to Clio's home. She lives on the second floor and that was a bit of a challenge but it's a short flight and I arrived in good shape. Her apt is tiny. Like NYC tiny. It has a NY feel to it and is charming. There is no wasted space in the apt, no halways or foyers and has limited closets and storage. Unlike NY it doesn't cost her $2400 a month and is really quiete reasonable since it is in trendy Little Five Points.

Today we are having breakfast with friends and going to see an apt. Clio might move into. Tonight - dinner with her friends at their apt.

It feels really good to be with Clio. I will write more as the weekend moves along.

A Day is a Day is a Day

Today is just another day. It will not stand out in my memory but will blend into the mass of days I have lived with no particular distinction. I guess that means I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. Putting one foot in front of the other. Going to work, doing chores, thinking, reading, talking when I must, listening, resting, eating, sleeping.

Tomorrow I will get up and do it again. Until about 2 pm. At 2:00 I will begin a 5 1/2 hour drive to Atlanta to visit with Clio, one of my all time favorite people on this planet. It will be good to see her and to talk and laugh, and gossip, and laugh some more. We have breakfast plans with some of her friends, we will look at an apt she is thinking of leasing, we will eat out and walk and chill out in her apt and sleep in and enjoy one another for the brief time we are together. We will probably reminisce about a time when she was much younger and we shared daily life together. I will remember the days I am with her, as I remember the last time I was with her and the time before that and before that.

I'm glad to have Clio in my life. I guess that's what kids do, they make days memorable and the older you get the more you need them to help add value and depth to your life. I have long regretted not having children. I have also long been grateful that I was never able to get pregnant, for the sake of the children. I was not fit for parenthood most of my adult life. While I still hold that to be true the sorrow of not having had children of my own is always there. But I have been gifted with children in my life. Clio has been in my life since 1983. Hazel has been in my life since 2003. And the children my agency serves have been the recipient of my work efforts since 1998.

41 - 14

Good Fortune

I had a nice day yesterday. It was relaxing and easy, yet productive. I got the reorganization of the art book shelf done, and some reorganizing in the bedroom as well. I read some dharma and watched The Lion's Roar again (3rd time). I wrote email and a blog, and read some on-line info and the NY Times on-line. I spoke to my friend Lee and my mother, visited with C & S for a bit and played with the dogs. I watched the N.E. Patriots wallop the N.Y. Jets and enjoyed a JAG episode I had tivo'd. I cooked a frozen pizza, had a meeting with F to discuss household finances and cleaned the kitchen. I did a lot.

I'm feeling much more settled about the loss I am feeling. The pain has passed and so has much of the sorrow. I expect it to arise again as the date of C & S's departure approaches. But I think dealing with it yesterday by thinking it through, talking about it and writing about it, and realizing that loss is my reaction to change and no more than that has greatly reduced the degree to which I feel sadness and upset about it. As Christi herself has said, we are not losing friends, they are merely moving and we will still have plenty of contact and face-to-face time. There really is something to be said about dealing with things head on.

Today I read a short article about H.H. Karmapa and it mentioned he was trying to be vegetarian. I had heard recently that many Tibetans in exile were adopting vegetarianism, as they are no longer reduced to meat as one of the few sources of protein available to them. Of course, this makes me want to go back to being vegetarian. I often eat vegetarian meals but have eaten more meat, especially red meat, since my bariatric surgery. I can digest red meat better than chicken and it is a high source of protein for me. But I will consider a gradual conversion to vegetarianism. I know it is the right thing morally and spiritually.

Right now I am feeling very positive about the future. I am feeling more and more open to and protective of my relationship with the sangha. I am excited about Bardor Tulku Rinpoche coming to Jacksonville and everytime I think of him I wonder what good fortune to befall me that I have met him in this life. It causes me to wonder about my previous lives and whether I knew him then or is this our first encounter. I am such a neophyte Buddhist it would not surprise me if this were the very first life time in which I heard the name Buddha or met any Buddhists.

The other night I had a dream that I had retired and sold all my possessions but clothing, some books and art supplies. I still had Ben and Yeshe and I bought a pick-up truck and a small 5th wheel and lived in it very near KTD. I dreamed that I walked to practice in the main shrine room everyday and that the field where I had the trailer held a small community of other Kagyu practitioner's who had retired and wanted to be near the Monastery. My dream was peaceful. My practice was deep, and daily life was simple. I took great delight in the noodles and slept with them on my bed, the boys wrapped around each other in their sleeping bag. I thrived in the solitude. Even the snow didn't bother me!

Whether that dream is a glimpse at the future or not, I choose to see it as the future is bright. I look forward to seeing it unfold.

Talking To Myself

I’d like to avoid having this talk with myself today. I’d like to watch tv and the Patriot/Jet game, read, sleep, daydream, do some more reorganizing of the book shelves...and on and on. I’d like to fill my day with things that don’t disturb or worry me. I’d like to do all that everyday between now and February 5th. But February 5th is still going to come, like it or not.

February 5th is the day that Christi needs to be in Baltimore to start her new job. I’m sure she will go up sooner but I don’t have that date as of yet. So in my mind it is February 5th. She and the Q are our, my, very good friends. I think I haven’t laughed as much with anyone in my life, except Tommy G (we didn’t know enough at the time that we were laughing at the wrong things, and he didn’t live long enough to learn that). We always laugh when together. No matter how much pain any of us may be in, after the crying we always get to the laughter, and I will miss that the most of all.

I wish I could say I don’t know how someone could just pick up and leave everything but I’ve done that myself. I did it in 1992 when Lin and I picked up and moved to Ft. Lauderdale from NY. Like Christi, I decided to leave as I was turning 40 and actually moved at age 41. I left family, good friends, a job I loved, an apt that was wonderful, affordable and that I had lived in for 10 years. I left a city I had once loved and thrived in and come to dread but that still held treasures of art, theatre, and an abundance of culture I could lose myself in. But I knew it was time for me to move on and none of the losses mattered as much as moving on. A part of me was dying inside. I didn’t have the inner life I have now. I didn’t have the inner reserve I have now. It no longer matters to me where I live. I don’t think I would have developed in this way if I stayed in NY. No way of being sure of that but I suspect it’s true.

Loss didn’t stop happening after I left NY. There’s been plenty more of it since then. The most devastating I think was the break up of my 12 year relationship 3 years after we left NY. I know now, more than ever before in my life, that loss is a daily occurrence. No way to stop it. Loss is my experience of change. And change is ever present in life and always has been.

So this change I will take in stride also. It will hurt. It will need a period of adjustment. But like the other changes I have lived through it will find its place in my life. For Christi and Sue their move will open opportunities for new things in their lives. New jobs, people, surroundings, experiences. The vacuum their leaving creates in my life will also be filled with new things. I don’t know what they will be exactly but I sense that they will be good things that will continue to enrich my life, inner and outer.

I am ready for this now. I can do this without shutting C & S out and backing off. I can do this and not adjust to their being gone before they actually leave. I can love them and enjoy them now and in the way our relationship develops in the future. I am happy for their upcoming adventure. I know it is a great career move for Christi. It sounds like a perfect fit for her talents and intelligence and I know she will excel in it.

I’m so glad I had this talk.

Change

"This is the fundamental teachings of all buddhas: the consistency of actions and their results."
Karma Chakme's Mountain Dharma, Vol. 1, as taught by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche

It's Just Another Day

It's only the 5th day of January and already it's turning into a wondrous 2007!

Found out today that our good friends C & S, a/k/a, J & Q will be moving to Baltimore where C has been offered a very good promotion. I'm happy for her because this new appointment opens doors to career opportunities for her that do not exist in Jacksonville. I'm happy for S because she dislikes Jax so much and has wanted to get out for quite awhile. Beyond that, in terms of my self and F, I am sad about them leaving the city. While they will remain close friends always the frequency with which we'll see them (currently at least 1 or 2x per week) will change to several longer visits a year.

Change, change is ever present and I need to take this one in stride as well.

I finished the grant request I was working on at work 5 days early so I am pleased about that. My work week was a mixture of being brain dead and achieving little to doing enormous amounts of work in a very short time. Next week is a 5 day work week and then a 3 day weekend that I will spend in Atlanta with Clio. I'm really looking forward to that.

Taylor went back to SC this week and while I am enjoying privacy again and a return to my routine, he is on my mind a lot. He's such a wonderful kid, but like most kids can do some of the most mindless dumb stuff. You cannot infuse maturity or wisdom the way you can nutritious food. At some point you have to step away from the child learning to ride a 2 wheeler with no training wheels and hope they don't damage themselves when they fall.

Suddenly I am extremely tired and want to sleep for 4000 years.

Nowhere Man

He's a real nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans
for nobody.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?
Nowhere Man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command.

He's as blind as he can be,
Just sees what he wants to see,
Nowhere Man can you see me at all?
Nowhere Man, don't worry,
Take your time, don't hurry,
Leave it all till somebody else
lends you a hand.

Doesn't have a point of view,
Knows not where he's going to,
Isn't he a bit like you and me?

Nowhere Man, please listen,
You don't know what you're missing,
Nowhere Man, the world is at your command.

He's a real Nowhere Man,
Sitting in his Nowhere Land,
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.
Making all his nowhere plans for nobody.

Lennon/McCartney, Northern Songs, Ltd.

1, 2, Buckle My Shoe

First day back to work in the new year. Wish I can say I came back with a blast, but I haven't. I'm tired. Sleepy tired, though I slept like a rock!

I have not made any "formal" resolutions this year, but I can't seem to stop thinking in terms of resolutions. I keep thinking that now I am going to start this, or now I am going to study and practice dharma more diligently, or now I am going to eat better. Then I catch myself and say to myself that it shouldn't be about now, just because its a new year. A new year signifies a new beginning, but every second is a new beginning. Anything short of that is just giving myself permission to not do what is there for me to do.

This Calendar Year...

...comes to an end today.

It's strange that we measure time so minutely. Scientists have it measured to the nanosecond. It categorizes each instant as if it were a separate entity unto itself, instead of the continuum it is.

Yesterday at Sangha, during our book discussion, a 20+ year practitioner pointed out that enlightenment is a continual process of learning and realization. You don't practice, practice, practice and then one day enlightment strikes. It is ongoing. Awakeness is an on-going practice. Pema Chodron also alluded to this in her interview with Bill Moyers on his Faith and Reason special. We watched it again last night and it was so good, again.

Yet, we westerners are programmed to hope that this year ends today and perhaps the new one, which starts tomorrow, will be better or different. As if each year were a chapter of our life. As if what is going on in our lives, who we are, will be different tomorrow because the calendar has changed. We attribute the hardships or good fortune we've experienced in the past year to luck, rather than our karma or our decisions to behave in certain ways. There is always the effects of other people's karma that we witness and can cause us pain or not. And so we hope that those we love will be safe, healthy and prosperous too.

I am not a nihilist, nor do I believe in fate. I do believe in karma, as a constant, and I do believe you can consciously create karma, whether negative or positive and that can effect your future life and lives. Painful experiences will still occur to me and to those I love, and to the world at large. And that is just life. I can willfully end this life, but I cannot willfully end life, as I believe I will come back again and again until not only I get it right, but I have vowed to come back again and again and again until all beings take the opportunity to get it right.

So "the calendar's changing, the pages fell off, but the singer remains the same." Lyrics by Harry Nilson, fromMr. Richland's Favorite Song

2006

I woke up to the news that Saddam Hussein's hanging is imminent. This brings me sadness. Any kind of murder makes me sad. There is no justification for it. I heard an Iraqi official say yesterday that the hanging will not be televised or held publicly because they do not want to appear barbaric and they feel he should be given the respect of privacy. If they don't want to appear barbaric they should not hang him or kill him in any other manner. If he is due the respect of a private murder then he is due the respect of valuing life.

I'd like to say that I'm glad to see this year go. But it has already gone, up to and including the time it took me to type this sentence. Emotionally I am feeling the effects of the cumulative events of this past 10 - 11 months. I am feeling the effects of being off schedule for the past several weeks, longer maybe, since vacaton in early November. I am feeling the effects of living in a disordered home right now. I am feeling the effects of not having enough privacy right now. Those are the difficult feelings.

The easy feelings are that I am feeling very close to my sangha. Close and protective of it. I am feeling the urge to paint and as soon as I decide what medium to use I will begin to paint a small series of paintings. I am reading the dharma and enjoying it and learning. I am chanting and practicing more. I have close friends who I can tell I am blue. I have a boss whom I can tell I am blue and she makes a suggestion that I take one of those weekend retreats for myself. She reminds me how renewed I come back from one of those. I have friends who care and ask if they can do anything to help. Always there, needed or not. Always getting me to laugh and be outside myself. These are all the easy things right now.

The only thing I know will happen in the future is that each day will be a different date. I have no new year resolutions. I have no intention of making any. I aspire everyday to be better than I am now. Sometimes I succeed. Frequently I do not. I keep trying anyway.

'Tis the Season...

Today is my Friday. I will be off work from tomorrow through Tuesday, returning next Wednesday for a 3 day work week and then a 3 day weekend for the New Year. Taylor is staying with us til he goes back to school so some of what I hoped to do during this long weekend will probably not get accomplished, but then other things can be accomplished. Taylor is always willing to do anything his grandmother asks so I'm sure some of the chores in the garage will get done, which is a very good thing.

We have some fun stuff planned for the holidays, not the least of which is downtime. Tomorrow I will bake cookies and maybe work in my studio for a while. I need to do some organizing and cleaning in there -- so it is ready for me to work in. I feel a large painting coming on. I have a 60" x 40" canvas waiting to be painted and I think I will start it sometime over this holiday period. I haven't decided yet whether to do it in oil or acrylic. I'm attracted to both for this particular painting.

Saturday morning I will pick up the ham for Sunday evening and bring it to Shannon's, then go to Sangha. I think Michael and I will be the only Board members in town this weekend. Sunday night we will spend xmas eve at Shannon's with our special group of people. Sunday and Monday we have NO plans, and intend to keep it that way. Perhaps a movie, studio time and relaxation with friends is in order. The weekend of New Year's eve has us with a dinner date with our sangha friends and a viewing of the Bill Moyers interview with Pema Chodron. No plans for the eve, just us - our favorite way to shed a past year and welcome in a new one.

New Years morning will find us at our KTC center celebrating First Light with our sangha. It's a lovely practice and we follow it with a pot luck brunch at the center.

All in all, the next 11 days has space for a balanced mix of quiet time, family, friends, socializing, practice, creative time and work. I'm ready for it. I'm feeling better than I was earlier in the week. Perhaps is it just the effects of that brownie I ate 20 minutes ago...

Toosday

A rehash of yesterday as I post a rehash of a drawing I posted last week. Same shit different day is all I'm saying.

Spent several hours today with a young man that had been thrown out of his parents home for insisting on doing it his own way. It brought back many memories of what I went through at 17, same reasons, different way of dealing with it. I remember it felt awful and I think this youngster feels that way too, though I doubt he would admit it. I didn't either back then. It's scary enough being "out there" without admitting the fear, despair and confusion.

As I wrote the word confusion I remembered a quote by Robert Motherwell: "Confusion is the absence of real feeling." Hmmmm

I will take refuge in the Buddha, Dharma and Sangha today.

Here is a photo taken in India on Dec 17, 2006 of H.H. The XIVth Dalai Lama and H.H. The XVIIth Karmapa.

Monday

I am feeling down and blah today. It is disguising itself as fatigue, but I'm not really tired. It was a difficult weekend. Not restful. Parts were enjoyable. Certainly a highligh was watching Julian dance the role of the Prince in the Nutcracker at the Florida Theater. He was wonderful and his improvement from production to production is amazing to watch. He is clearly gifted in dance, ballet in particular. It was good to see Taylor, though I worry about him.

I attended Chenrezig practice with the sangha on Saturday. It was good to be there and to practice together. I am understanding more and more the "refuge" of the sangha. I seek it more earnestly.

Unfortunately, home didn't feel restful or pleasurable. Too much strife. Some times it is unavoidable. It's a difficult time of the year to be in mourning, everything is amplified by the "good cheer" of others. This too shall pass.

I'm at work and I don't feel at all industrious. I am brain dead and want to read or quietly browse the web, though I'm not sure what I would look at. I feel xmas as pressure this year, rather than joy. And then this too will pass.

A watercolor on board. I like using watercolor as opaque as I can get it.

Taking Ourselves Seriously

If we are feeling very nervous all the time, the first step toward doing something to remedy the situation is to take ourselves and the quality of our life seriously. Suppose we are walking down the street and we step on a bug and partially crush but have not actually killed it. If we continue walking and ignore the bug's experience of its leg being crushed or severed, we do so because we do not take the insect and its life seriously. We have no respect for it. If we treat ourselves no better than we do a bug and ignore our innermost pains and anguish, that is most unfortunate. Taking ourselves seriously means actually looking at how we are experiencing our life and, if there is something unsatisfactory about it, admitting it to ourselves. Our tension and stress do not go away by denying them or avoiding taking an honest look. And admitting that something is amiss is not the same as complaining about it and feeling sorry for ourselves. Nor does it imply that something is fundamentally wrong with us and we are guilty of being a bad person because we are nervous. Being objective, not melodramatic, and remaining non-judgmental are essential for any healing, spiritual process.

--from The Gelug/Kagyu Tradition of Mahamudra by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, and Alexander Berzin, published by Snow Lion Publications

Notes to Myself (Who's That?)

I have often written about my need for solitude (I think I've written about it). What I don't know is what it's like to live with me, or with someone who wants to be alone. I obviously don't want to be alone, or I wouldn't be in a relationship. I've been in relationships for most of my adult life. Two long relationships, one 12 years long, and my current one 9 1/2 years and counting.

So I have to ask myself why would I go into a relationship if I wanted to be alone? Well, wanting solitude is not synonymous with wanting to be alone. Well, yeah, actually it is. Hence, one of the major contradictions (of which there are many) of my life. So, again, the question of why?

Well, maybe I am mislabeling, or misdescribing my need. I can't say I want someone who doesn't talk at all, I would have chosen someone deaf who only knows sign language or I would have chosen partners who are quiet and non-communicative. Instead, I have chosen the opposite. My 2 long term relationships have been with people with very similar personalities. Both bright, educated, articulate, very talkative ADDers who verbalize every thought that comes into their mind. Is it that I feel more alive or become more introverted as a result, that I like and need? Am I more self reflective because I need to retreat into myself to get quiet time? Do opposites really attract and that is my opposite? Would I fold up into a ball if left to my solitude? I can't say.

I know in the past I didn't but then I have to look at the fact that the periods in my life when I did live alone I spent much of my time seeking social contacts and being on the hunt. I can always humor myself with "I was so much younger than," or that was my "pre-Buddhist" days (not sure how that would make a difference). But I still have a tendency to "fill my time," when I get time alone. I make lunch and dinner dates, social committments in advance of a period of pending aloneness. I am not afraid of being alone as I once was. I'm not sure where the impulse comes from.

It's a stange thing. Seeking aloneness when not alone; seeking company when alone. I have no answers. This has been on my mind for a while. Just questioning my patterns of behavior. Trying to find the source of my impulses. I'm trying to align who I think I am with how I live my life. I'm not sure how I live will be the part that changes, or needs changing. Perhaps it is just what I think that needs to change. Or how I think it should be that needs to change.

Wondering

Is there a truth more honest than...I have to pee right now?

When I think...I wish I knew what I wanted...Who am I talking to?

Dear Diary, how come you never write back?

2 Quotes I Like

Just as the word chariot is merely a means of expressing how axle, body, wheel, and poles are brought together in a certain relationship, but when we look at each of them one by one there is no chariot in an absolute sense; and just as the word house is a way of expressing how wood and other materials stand in relationship to each other in a certain space, but in the absolute sense there is no house; and just as the word fist is an expression for the finger and thumb in relationship, and tree for trunk, branches, leaves, and so on, but in an absolute sense there is no fist or tree--in exactly the same way the words living entity and person are but ways of expressing the relationship of body, feeling, and consciousness, but when we come to examine the elements of being, one by one, we find there is no entity there. In the absolute sense there is only name and form and the mystery which they express. Such ideas as "I" and "I am" are not absolute.

~ Visuddhi Magga, From "The Pocket Buddha Reader," edited by Anne Bancroft

Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.

~ Ernest Hemingway

What's In a Name

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;"
~~Wm. Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

"Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose is a rose"
~~Gertrude Stein, "Sacred Emily"

A friend asked me today to name my feeling of yesterday. I told her it was named "Come Together" as the sheet music implied. I don't know how else to express the feeling except to show that graphic. Today I posted another graphic that depicts more than words can express, my feelings. There are times when I can be very verbal and select the appropriate words to express an experience I am having. Sometimes when that experience is completely internal, such as in deep feelings, I can't find the words to even begin to express to someone else what it is I am experiencing. I also lack the motivation to work very hard at it.

Some things just are. Some breaths I take are better, fuller breaths than others that I take. Some thoughts are fleeting and some linger for days or years. Some feelings lie low and are ever present like a drone that underscores the many passing feelings in my day. Some feelings are deep emotions that ground me to experience them as separate entities. They are not situational. They are not provoked. They are born and get my attention. They are inexpressable. They stop me in my tracks and make me think. They are just there. They are part of me, in me, and there is no way to share them but to express them visually.

So that is what I do, whether it be here, in my studio, or in my journal.

Instrumental

Sometimes I experience deep feelings but have nothing to say. So this piece of sheet music is here to express that I have a feeling but nothing to say.

JAGS vs. COLTS

Today is the rematch game between the Jaguars and the Colts. Their first meeting this year ended in a Colt victory (Sept 24, 2006 21-14). IF (caps deliberate) the Colts were coming into AllTel Stadium with a perfect record I would be very soft about them beating the JAGS again. The Colts are a great team and quite capable of a perfect season. HOWEVER (caps intended), they have lost 2 games and I want the JAGS to win BADLY!!! Watching the game is how I will spend my time during 1 - 4 p.m., today, Sunday, December 10, 2006.

This date is also the 57th anniversary of my parents marriage. I do not acknowledge their anniversary as it has not been a happy marriage. Of course, that is a judgement on my part. Though they split twice during their marriage they reconciled and continue on into old age living in a way that I find torturous. Perhaps they are happy being miserable. Perhaps nisery is what it takes for them to feel alive. Perhaps disappointment, angst and constant friction is what they expect and thusly can only feel successful if they realize those expectations. In all good conscience I cannot applaud a milestone that I prayed would never be achieved. When I was a child divorce was what we prayed for, and though attempted, never achieved.

How I spent Saturday, December 9, 2006: F and I went to Sangha for regular Chenrezig/Amitabha practice. I also had some bookeeping to do and a deposit to prepare. THe practice was nice. I'm always so glad when I have gone. I enjoy being in the presence of the sangha. I feel open and relaxed in their presence.

Yesterday a former congregant from F's old church was there. This is someone I have not had great feelings about and who was one of the anti-F people when the church split went down. My experience of him is as a voyeur who then critiques and judges what he sees. I have experienced this with him in other venues other than church. Needless to say, his presence provoked a feeling of being invaded. After practice F and I asked if L & S would like to join us for lunch. They did and we went off to an Avondale restaurant. Others from the sangha joined us which was fine. This person also joined us and I was aware of feeling guarded, closed up and resentful of his presence. I admit I have not been warm and opening to him. I feel protective of MY experience within the sangha. I feel protective of F and his critiques of her. SHe has already been hurt by this man and needs no more of this at this time.

The Dalai Lama would say that this is an opportunity to practice humility, forgiveness and compassion. I know he would be right. I'm not happy having these feelings emerge. This man can't hurt me, or F. He cannot invade my sangha or my experience of my sangha, unless I allow him to change my experiences of that which I hold precious. I really need to mneditate on this and do some tonglen practice about this. This morning josh and the Q came over and I talked with them about it. That was good for me to do. I needed to put it out there, not hold it in. I want to let it go out and blow away. It's a windy enough day for that to happen.

We received very good news at sangha yesterday. The Venerable Bardor Tulku Rinpoche (my teacher) will be coming to Jax instead of Tampa in February. I'm very excited about that.

Time to watch the game!

FryDay - Immaculately

...and another one's gone and another one's gone....another one bites the dust! Another work week almost over. I've put in for Friday 12/22 off so I will have a 5 day weekend xmas weekend.

I'm at work and the other day I put out the few xmas holiday decorations I have. Throughout the year I keep them in a bag in my file cabinet. I bring them out and put them around my workspace, this year a cubicle, for 3 weeks then I pack them away again. I'm the only Buddhist at this agency, which is 90+% Christian, and I am only one of two who have decorated as of yet. I'm grateful to not decorate at home this year. F put out a fiber-optic xmas plant. That's all she'll do this year as well. She is in mourning and doesn't feel like xmas at all. Neither do I, but not for mourning. I just feel so detached from the religious aspect of xmas at this point. It's about as relevent to my life as celebrating Moses' or Mohammed's birthday.

Something else of complete irrelevance is today is the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. In 1439 the Council of Basel stated that the belief was in accordance with Catholic faith, and in 1709 Pope Clement XI made the feast of the Immaculate Conception a holy day of obligation (fasting and Mass). In 1854 Pope Pius IX issued a papal statement making the Immaculate Conception official church dogma. The Immaculate Conception relates to Mary, mother of Jesus, having been born without original sin. So not only was Jesus born without human intercourse, but Mary, though conceived in the usual sexual way was given a pass from original sin, and all sin throughout her life, by God himself. Ergo, an immaculate conception. That makes her worthy to have been the mother of God. And we westerners think its weird that Muslim jihadist suicide bombers can believe they will be rewarded with 37 virgins in heaven. Heaven obviously has the corner on virgins!

Not much else going on today. Looking forward to a quiet evening at home. It is EXTREMELY cold for us southerners. Last night was in the 30's, and tonight it is forcasted to go below 30o. I will make a nice fire tonight and we will eat leftovers. And we will LIKE it!

It's been a pretty good week. The Buddha Relics Tour came to town. The special puja Monday night. Seeing Julian, if even for a brief time on Monday. The quiet, but busy, work week. The quiet and oh-so-pleasant home life. The visit Wednesday evening by Lori's new puppy, Hannah, and the time she spent playing with Yeshe. Wishing my father happy birthday on his 76th! The ease with which I was able to replace my and F's windshield wiper blades. The house cleaning that got done this week. It's the small things in life that make it pleasant to be alive.

I'll give George Carlin the last word today:

"I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood."

Toosday

We had a wonderful Chenrezig puja at our KTC center last night. The two female custodians of the relics brought them to the center last night. They were encased and placed before our shrine. Almost 30 people attended this special puja and it was very exhilerating. Here are some photos:

Three members of the KTC JAX Board of Directors with the two organizers and attendents at the special Chenrezig puja. The relics are contained within the yellow silk casing to the right of the people.

The encased relics on the small table before Bardor Tulku Rinpoche's seat. In front of the casing are offerings. Michael Turnquist, Founder and Director of KTC Jacksonville sits to the right of the relics.

The goal of the Relics Tour is to bestow blessings on those who view the relics, to inspire practitioners, and to raise funds to build a shrine in India that will permanently house the relics. I know funds were raised. I have confidence that blessings were received by those who viewed the relics and worked for their safe arrival and departure. I can say that I was greatly inspired by being in the presence of the relics. It is almost an indescribable feeling to be in the same room with relics from the historical Gautama Buddha and the 1st Karmapa, Dusum Khyenpa. To view the writing of Yeshe Tsogyal in two fragments from letters she wrote to Padmasambhava sent shivers up my spine. It was a very physical response. I have a sense that the full impact of this experience is not yet perceivable by me or others.

Also on view was the relics of Lama Tsongkhapa, a 14th century teacher from the Amdo Province in Eastern Tibet. He taught:

"If you knew how hard it is to acquire,
Living the average life would be impossible.

If you saw its great benefits,
You would be sorry if it stayed meaningless.

If you thought about death,
You would make preparations for your future lives.

If you thought about cause and effect,
You would stop being reckless."

Relic Photos

I went to the Relics exhibit again on Saturday. It's so impressive to be in that environment. We took Shannon with us and she was quite moved. Christi's grandmother became quite emotional while viewing the relics. While we were there F did her Medicine Buddha sadhana, her primary practice.

This photo is the Relic display table with the statue of Maitreya in the center. That is F, Shannon and Christie on the right viewing the relics.

This is a picture of the Milarepa
and Marpa relic display. It is truly moving to be in the presence of such things.

There seems to have been a very good response to the tour in Jacksonville. The FL Times-Union published an article in the Sunday newspaper along with two color photos of the relics.


This is a photo of F and her daughter, Shannon, in the Shrine Room of the Cambodian Buddhist Center. Sunday evening Shannon brought her son, Julian, to the exhibit. Julian is a ballet dancer, and is dancing the lead this season in the FL Ballet Company's performance of The Nutcracker. He, too, made it into yesterday's Times Union. Way to go, Jules!

And if all that wasn't enough, the Jaguars beat the Miami Dolphins yesterday 24-10.

Heart Shrine Relics Tour

Last night we went to the opening ceremony of the Heart Shrine Relics Tour visit to Jacksonville. What an incredible gift to have here in our city!

The shrine has been set up at the Cambodian Buddhist Center of Jacksonville. The building is beautiful. There were 5 Cambodian monks in attendance and they did an opening ceremony in Cambodian. Our KTC chanted the Tashi prayer in Tibetan and then the women who bring the shrine to cities all over the world did an opening ceremony in English. It was very moving - all of it. There were well over 100 people in attendance, many of whom were Asian.

The shrine itself is beautifully set up. Everything is done with the highest respect and homage to the relics. There are relics from the historical Buddha, Shakyamuni. Twenty-five hundred years old, preserved and revered all that time. The majority of the relics are from Tibetan Buddhist lineage Masters of the past including Marpa and Milarepa, Yeshe Tsogyal, the First Karmapa, and many others. The relics that moved me the most were from H.H. Karmapa XVI. I'm not sure why, except that he was the first Karmapa to come to America, and without his efforts here, I would not have become Buddhist, nor would I have met my teacher, Bardor Tulku Rinpoche.

We are going to see the shrine again today and we will probably go at least one other time while it is here. This is a once in a lifetime event as the relics will be enshrined in India at some point.

I'm enjoying my Saturday morning. I slept until 7:15, when F's clock radio went off. She has the radio tuned to a CW station and the radio came on blasting a song about Osama bin Laden, or all things. I don't get CW music at all.

fry-day

I am often fried by the time Friday comes. I'm not particularly fried today. But I'm still glad it's Friday.

I slept late again. After 7 a.m. This is troubling me because I generally don't require as much sleep as I am getting lately. For the longest time I got up between 5 and 6 every morning regardless of what day it was. I'm glad I still don't need to set an alarm clock but I miss having more time to myself in the morning.

This weekend we have loose plans. F is working tomorrow so I will have quiet time in the morning. Then we will go to the Buddha exhibit. Not sure what time, but sometime tomorrow. Nothing planned for Sunday -- and not sure if I will be doing a shift at the Buddhist Relics that day. I'm looking forward to the exhibit, and of seeing the Cambodian Buddhist Center. I was a little disappointed that there was nothing about it in today's Times Union paper. There was something in this week's Folio, and that's good.

I am still feeling a sense of sluggishness. I can't tell if it's emotional or physical or a combo of both. All I know is that I don't feel any adrenalin flowing through my body. Funny how an absence of adrenalin is something I notice. Most people notice when they have a spurt of adrenalin. That's the difference between people who grow up in crisis as a way of life and those who grow up with ocassional crisis to deal with.

I was thinking about my therapist last night. This is the most different therapeutic relationship I've ever had. There is no transference. Just me and her, 2 women roughly the same age, both obese, me white, she black, both professionals. I talk freely to her. No hesitation. She knows I'm not in crises and I think sometimes she's not sure why I come there. Right now I want to go. She is a good sounding board. She is not critical and I can talk to her and she will be supportive, not critical. If I express criticism of myself she helps me explore it. I've really needed someone in my life like her for a long time. I find the therapy helpful and also enjoyable. I can't say that I've ever "enjoyed" therapy before. I have always found it helpful to some degree or another but never enjoyable. But I do now and that's a good thing! Indeed.

some quotes I came across today....

"Rather than thinking up ways to escape from suffering, the approach in Buddhism is much more to understand suffering and what it means to be discontent.." – Jamgon Kongtrul Rinpoche from The Buddha Nature

"The moment one says one is happy one no longer is." (2-12-1939)
"It is better to be bored on one's own than with others." (9-4-1940)
"He who sings is not always happy." (1-17-1944)
~~~~Pierre Bonnard

A Post from the weblog of Ramesh Gandhi:

Former Pakistani cricket captain and current politician Imran Khan was being interviewed on NDTV. He was asked, "Do you think President Bush is a terrorist?" He replied, "President Bush is not smart enough to be a terrorist."

same day same flavor

One of my favorite movies to catch on tv is "Same Time Next Year." In homage I named today's entry same day same flavor.

The above posted picture is a wc I did in my sketchbook this morning before coming to work. I like the colors. It's obvious that I've been influenced by the new I-95 flyover here in JAX, and by the time I've been spending looking at the abstract drawings of Richard Diebenkorn. He is one of the abstract painters I am very attracted to. I am stilled when I see his work. I feel the same with Brice Marden, Mark Rothko, and early Susan Rothenberg.

Today is Thursday and that's a good thing. I enjoy getting near the end of the work week. The closer to my private time, the better I feel. I slept again until 7. I've been waking up between 5 and 6 each morning and deciding to sleep in for another quarter hour or so and before I realize it an hour or more have passed.

Coming up tomorrow is the opening ceremony for the Buddha Relics Tour. I'm looking forward to seeing the exhibit. There will be a relic from H.H. Karmapa I in addition to the relics of the Buddha Shakyamuni. The whole event is very exciting and I'm grateful to Mike for all his hard work on this project.

There are many reasons for being grateful I am no longer a teenager. There are even more reasons than that for being grateful for not being a teenager in this technological world. It's hard to be an active teenager today, interested in and involved with the technology you will need to succeed economically in life. It's hard to have a secret life -- and all teenagers have a secret life. It's hard to have one and use technology. That's all I can say about that.

I may add more comments later.

2/25/43 - 11/29/01

Remembering George Harrison who died 5 years ago today from cancer. The new Beatles compilation "LOVE" has a wonderful, sweet version of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." His voice is so clear and lovely on that track. A huge talent and influence.

WEDnesDAY

Had an appointment with my shrink today. Talked about the vacation and holiday and family. I talked about my childhood and my parents and how I thought I was the kind of child who would have responded well to 30 seconds of explanation about why some behaviors were unreasonable coupled with appropriate behavior modeling. Instead I had the sledge hammer approach to child rearing. I talked about going deep within myself to find quiet and solace. I talked about the importance of books and theatre and art in helping me explore a life worth living.

We also talked about aging and no longer being excited by or attached to holiday rituals. I've been feeling particularly annoyed by the over emphasis on commercial aspects of the holiday. In some ways it has had a positive effect on me. I have no xmas list. There is nothing I want or need. The only thing I look forward to for the holidays is having more free time to spend with F, my pups, my friends, time home, quiet, relaxed.

My friend, Josh, found me a website for cheap air tix and I will be able to fly to Atlanta to see Clio in January. She's been doing a lot of jewelry making and is hoping to ship some to her sister to sell in Denmark. I'm going to bring my camera and photograph some of it. I am very excited about the coming trip to see Clio. I can't remember how long it's been since she and I had time to just hang out together. However long it's been, it's been too long.

My mother is annoying me with her concern for my niece. My mother is overly involved in the lives of her grown grandchildren -- especially my brother's children. She keeps pressuring me to call her. When I tell her I haven't had the time she cries and tells me how worried she is about her and she can't sleep for her worry. Oy. Such drama. I guess that's what happens when you don't have books and art and intellectually interesting and fun friends in your life. You get theatre where you can.

The above b & w photo was taken in November 2005 on the back porch of the house C & S rented in No. Carolina last year. They generously shared it with us for a week and we had a fabulous time.

some quotes

"The purpose of art is to lay bare the questions which have been hidden by the answers."
- James Baldwin







"Art is not what you see, but what you make others see."
- Georgia O'Keeffe

Tis the Season

A Rant: ...to be jolly, or tired, or just plain unamused. Things are not always so wonderful this time of year. So much pressure to spend, spend, spend. I am so over it. It has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of money I can afford to spend. I'm just over the commercialization of this capitalist holiday and how big business has hijacked a time friends and family show affection to one another. So I will not participate in the usual manner, but I will give and let my people know I love them.

The Immediate Past: I had a wonderful 4-day Thanksgiving weekend. So laid back. I feel like I caught up to myself after the hustle and bustle of vacation (which is supposed to be restful but wasn't physically -- though it was mentally and emotionally) and returning to work. We had a wonderful holiday at C & S' house. Lots of laughs. I realized after that day that I don't laugh enough. It's one of the reasons I enjoy my time with C & S so much. We always laugh so much. Fri, Sat and Sun was relaxing and restful. F has a cold so she wasn't into doing much and that always suits me.

We went to Borders with C & S on Saturday and I got the new Beatles remix album, "LOVE." I really like it. It's a collection of songs from their catalogue that have been remixed by George and Giles Martin from the original Beatle tapes. They sound so good. The remix of "Strawberry Fields" is wonderful as is the stark a capella of "Because." Glad I got it. I bought it with leftover birthday money. I went away with $168 in birthday gift cash. I gave F $60 because she had no personal spending $$ for vacation. I bought a banner for our shrine and some Nepalese mala bead bags at the Himalayan shop, 2 used art books, and a gift for F at an art gallery in Berkeley Springs, WV. I came home with $58. I've used some for gas and groceries but I still have some left.

Coming Events: This weekend coming up is the Buddhist Relics Tour coming to Jacksonville. As a KTC Board member I will be spending some time there as a volunteer. I am very excited about our group co-sponsoring this event with the Cambodian Buddhist Center. I also had absolutely nothing to do with it. Our Asst. Director Mike did all the work on this one.

I am looking forward to the holidays - coming and going - and I'm looking forward to visiting Clio in January. I will be going up to Atlanta for the Jan 12-15th MLK bday weekend. I hope to find cheap air tickets ($100 or less) or I will drive. I am going alone, will stay at her place, and just hang with someone I love very much and hardly ever see or spend time with it. I'm very excited about it.

Time Flies When You're Looking At Art

I’m astounded to sit here and write that Thanksgiving is only two days away. My mind FLOODS with cliché’s. “Where did the time go?” “The older you get the faster life goes.” “Feels like we just finished 2005, where did 2006 go?” And on and on.

But I don’t know where this year has gone. I guess its just gone the way of all the other years I’ve been alive. Not sure if time goes faster because I move slower now, or if it seems faster because I do less. It could be that I actually do more and spend less time pondering and resisting what I need to do. Yes, that could be it. NOT!

While my life is much more settled than ever before one search has not ended yet. That is the search for deeper meaning – in everything. I search for more meaningful art – mine and others. I search for writing and philosophy that will be so deep as to permeate my bone marrow. I search for words and facial expressions that will tell me that another human knows, truly knows, the depth of my feeling, and I, theirs. I think when I let go of this desire life will be pointless and I will fade away. Or maybe it be its most real.

I got the a new art book , “Plane Image: A Brice Marden Retrospective” in the mail yesterday. Frankye had ordered it for my birthday. I believe Brice Marden is the greatest living artist, not just the greatest American living artist. There is something about his work that moves me deeply. It has a depth and stillness to it that grabs hold of something within me. Something indefinable but palpable. I can only aspire to reach that in a picture I make. I’d like to be able to do that at least once before I die. I don’t care if it is only a 2” x 2” sketch on a scrap of paper. I will know it when I see it.

So another Thanksgiving coming. Delicious food served up by and enjoyed with close friends, chosen family. There will be less excitement about the holiday and the food. After all, I've done this 55 times. It's not new. So while the anticipation is no longer there, the satisfaction and enjoyment of it is more.

RFK on the Campaign Trail 

RFK at the Ambassador Hotel, June 5, 1968 minutes before he was shot 

Bobby

I haven’t seen this film yet but look forward to it. I think it will be sad to watch. I know it will bring me back to that time in my life. 1968 was a difficult year for me. My life was in turmoil. I was suffering the throes of adolescent angst and engulfed in household filled with the same rage and unpredictability that the country was in. 1968 began the last year of my father’s active alcoholism. I was immersed in my own addiction to drugs and drinking. My sexuality was blooming and not in an acceptable way. I was trying to hold on to some semblance of sanity in a very insane and out of control environment. I was fighting to survive on many levels.

This all culminated by a physical breakdown in late May 1968. I had mononucleosis and was put to bed for the summer. I spent the first few weeks too sick to know where I was. I remember sleeping around the clock. I remember high fevers. I remember my grandmother coming to stay everyday with me while my parents went to work. I had never been so sick in my life, nor have I been since then.

I was in this state on June 5th, lying in bed my clock radio near my head on the night stand. The radio came on at the preset time and the voice of the commentator gradually permeated my consciousness. He was talking about the Kennedy assassination. It had occurred 4 ½ years ago. As I listened I wondered why they were talking about it now. Then I heard him say that Kennedy was in a coma. The commentator mentioned Robert Kennedy by name and the coming 1968 presidential election. I understood then it was not JFK they were talking about. I was shocked. I was a supporter, though too young to vote, of an RFK presidency. He was smart, well read, unafraid to express flowery idealism. I had recently seen him up close and personal as Marshall of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade on March 17th, 1968. I took a photo of him waving at us on the sidelines. He was smiling, his long hair falling in his face, his right hand pushing it back to the side.

This movie is supposed to be a snapshot of that day. Not just his assassination, but the people in the hotel that day. It’s a snapshot of their hope for the future and how hope died that day. That was my feeling too. Hope in leaders and in America did die for me that day. Not just because of Bobby Kennedy’s assassination, but because it was the last in a string of assassinations of people who were making a difference. I remember clearly the assassinations of JFK, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr. and RFK. They were heroes, each of them, to me and my generation. They had a vision of the world and America that included peace, acceptance, and harmony. They were brave and put themselves on the line for their beliefs and paid the ultimate price for it. The lesson was clear. Don’t take the risk. Don’t care too much. As Dylan said, "Don’t follow leaders, watch your parking meters." Care too much about a leader and they will be killed. They will be taken away from you.

After RFK’s assassination there was a discernable shift in the attitude of my generation. There was an anger and bitterness there that eventually turned inward on itself. There was a war in Viet Nam that most of us disagreed with. In November 1968 Richard Nixon was elected president and the war Bobby would have ended escalated into a larger, more destructive war. There was no hope in sight for it’s ending, and in fact it went on for another 7 years.

The peace and love generation became a pissed off, hopeless mass of shiftlessness that took more and more drugs and dropped out in ever increasing numbers. Hope died and we became the cynics who money mongered in the 80's and who lead this nation now down a dangerous path. Never before had so many, dreamt so large and accomplished so little.

"We've had difficult times in the past. We will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; it is not the end of disorder."
~~Robert F. Kennedy, April 3rd 1968

RFK lying on the floor of the Ambassador Hotel pantry, shot but alive

Talking

I was talking to my therapist today, recounting all that has occurred in the past two weeks. I was amazed at how much had happened: I'd been out of town for 3 1/2 days visiting my parents, was told that my parents wouldn't be moving here, accompanied Frankye to the hospital for surgical removal of questionable skin lesions on her body, had lunch with Lori - first time since May, visited my ex and was amazed a how differently we now live, was moved out of the private office I had at work and into a cubicle, and endured the relentless media blitz of the 5th anniversary of 9/11/2001.

It wasn't until I discussed all the other stuff that I was able to talk about 9/11, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and the grieving I am still doing about the destruction of the trade towers and the massive loss of life - then and now. Part of my grieving included Hurricane Katrina and the lack of response to citizens in dire circumstances and life threatening conditions. We talked about it being cummulative and not just in the past five years or so. But in the course of my life, the history I have witnessed or participated in that has left scars that silently sunk into the texture of who I am now at age 54.

I talked about remembering a time when I believed that survival at all costs was the most important thing. I talked about what it felt like to have given that up - to instead consciously wanting to not survive a horrific attack or devastating natural occurrance. I asked if she thought I was depressed. She said no. She said she thinks that cumulative grief layers on top of one another. She said no one can grieve 9/11 because we went to war so quickly afterward and there has been so much death and violence since then. That coupled with the horror of the tsunami, followed by Katrina, has created layer upon layer of grief and sadness that can't be healed. The times we live in are so volatile that there is no time in between horrors to grieve and heal and adjust. That sounds right to me.

What I am left with is simple joy at the simplicity in my life. I like the quiet dirt road I live on. I enjoy being around the animals that live with us. I enjoy Frankye and the routine we have settled into. I like my job. I like my friends and the laughter we always enjoy together. I like the 9 year old car I drive, the dirt around the house, the high trees that house many birds, squirrels and raccoons and the quiet at night when wildlife is settling in. I enjoy painting and drawing in my sketchbooks in the evening while listening to the television or talking with Frankye. When I pass out of this life someday I will go with no regrets and missing nothing. I am already holding on to it all less tightly.

Thomas Merton On War

I listened to our illustrious president last night. His speech to the nation on the 5th anniversary of 9/11 was an infomercial for the Iraq war. Nothing he said justifies this war. Nothing he said convinced me that the threat of Saddam and terrorism is taken seriously in Washington. The actions and the way the war is being carried out is testament to that. The war exists to fulfill other priorities (nameless and unknown) and other agendas. The cynic in me believes that to be solely monetary. It is probably more true than not. I have long believed that America's goal is not to spread democracy, but to spread capitalism, with America as the chief producer of goods for sale.

But again, I am a cynic when it comes to this administration and capitalism and big business.

I include a quote from Thomas Merton on the morality of war, and the motives for going to war. Am I cynical, or is this just the way it is?

“Hence it becomes more and more difficult to estimate the morality of an act leading to war because it is more and more difficult to know precisely what is going on. Not only is war increasingly a matter for pure specialists operating with fantastically complex machinery, but above all there is the question of absolute secrecy regarding everything that seriously affects defense policy. We may amuse ourselves by reading the reports in mass media and imagine that these “facts” provide sufficient basis for moral judgments for and against war. But in reality, we are simply elaborating moral fantasies in a vacuum. Whatever we may decide, we remain completely at the mercy of the governmental power, or rather the anonymous power of managers and generals who stand behind the facade of government. We have no way of directly influencing the decisions and policies taken by these people. In practice, we must fall back on a blinder and blinder faith which more and more resigns itself to trusting the “legitimately constituted authority” without having the vaguest notion what that authority is liable to do next. This condition of irresponsibility and passivity is extremely dangerous. It is hardly conducive to genuine morality.”

~~From Passion for Peace: The Social Essays of Thomas Merton, edited by William H. Shannon (The Crossroad Publishing Company, New York, NY, 1995) pages 113-114.

Avoiding September 11th

I'm avoiding writing about the 5th anniversary of 9/11 by publishing this meme (ripped off from Mad Organica.)

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says: "When his group finished boot training, Rauschenberg told the"

2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can...what do you touch first? 8 auspicious symbols banner

3. What is the last thing you watched on TV? JAG

4. WITHOUT LOOKING, what time is it? 5:30 pm

5. Now look at the clock, what is the actual time? 5:32 pm

6. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? NPR, women in my office talking

7. When did you last step outside? 2:05 pm

8. What are you wearing? a tie-dye company t-shirt, black pants, black shoes

9. When did you last laugh? Earlier in the afternoon when Cameshea told me Hazel can spell 2 words, her own name and the word pool

10. Seen anything weird lately? the remembrances of 9/11 - just because it is 5 years

11. What did you dream last night? Who knows?

12. What's on the walls of the room you're in? I'm in my cubicle at work and there is maroon fabric on the walls. I have some photos, a painting of mine, a pic of the Buddha, a metal sun, a pic of XVII Karmapa's caligraphy...

14. What do you think of this survey? It beats writing about 9/11

15. What's the last film you saw? Silverado

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first? Lots of free-time - no more working for a living.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know. I don't know who you are so how would I know what you know?

18. If you could change one thing about the world, what would you change? I would change humans to be evolved beyond violence of any kind

19. Do you like to dance? Yup

20. Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? Sarah

21. Boy? not sure, but not Joseph

22. Would you ever consider living abroad? If the USA became unliveable

I'm outta here............

A Stack of Journals

 

The Road Less Traveled

There was an airplane crash in Lexington Kentucky Sunday. The press is reporting the cause of the crash was pilot error. The pilot took off from the wrong runway, one half the size of the runway assigned, and as a result the plane was not able to reach the speed necessary for successful liftoff. Forty-nine of the fifty people aboard died.

I often feel like I have taken the wrong road. Sometimes I can't find the road. Sometimes I don't know a road is ending and that I need to turn off onto another road. Sometimes I don't even know I am moving, what to speak of whether I am on the right road or any road.

The spiritual practice I follow is called a path. Movement again. Movement in a direction. Like a road, a path insinuates a direction prevously traveled. In the case of a path, it is a less frequently traveled narrow direction...a road conjures images of a wider, faster, more traveled and established direction.

The road is often used as a metaphor. The internet is called the "information super highway." Practicing eastern philosophies is referred to as "being on the path," and regret is often depicted as "the road not taken." No wonder we get tired by the time we reach our 50's and 60's. We've been in motion physically, mentally and spiritually, from the time we were born. It's exhausting.

Meditation is a good way to stand still and be still long enough to rest the spirit and the mind. But if you do it right your meditation will gradually move you deeper into yourself. Again, movement, regardless of how slow.

We live in constant motion on an orb that turns in place one full rotation every twenty-four hours. We move so constantly we don't even realize we're moving. Our heart beats, and our lungs expand. If we are alive we are moving. When we stop moving, we stop being alive, and then the living move us out of the way.

I'd rather be on a path than a road. Roads are too crowded and move too fast. It's too easy to get caught up in the direction of the traffic. It's too easy to miss your exit ramp. It's much better to be on a less traveled path so you can stop and rest along the way, enjoy the sights and see who is on the path with you. It's also much easier to ask for directions when you get lost.

Remembering Crow

Last night our friends Christy and Sue took us out to dinner. As usual, we had a wonderful time. Laughing, talking, more laughing, enjoying food together. The laughter always feels so good. In the course of the conversation Sue told a story of her daughter, Andrea's, puppy getting out of the fence and running down the block. It was a funny story, but also a scary one.

While listening to how the dog ran away from and then chased Andrea, I was reminded of Crow and how she loved to bolt out doors or fences and run. I learned early that if Crow could see me she would keep running. As long as she could hear my voice or see me she felt safe enough to keep going. One time she got away from a friend of mine who let her out the door and watched in horror as she ran down the street. My friend ran after her, and ran after her and ran after her. By the time I got in the car and searched the neighborhood for them they were 1/2 a mile away and both exhausted.
I adored Crow. She was sweet, sleek, beautiful. She was, even at almost aged 10, playful as a puppy. I always felt safe with Crow. I felt safe with her and how she felt toward me and I felt safe in the world with her by my side. She was a good friend, a good pet.

A month before Crow's 10th birthday she got out of our fence and went through a hole in another fence onto a very busy street where I live. She was killed on that road on February 17th, 2004. I still miss her so much.

I have other little buddies now. Noodles, a/k/a dachshunds. Frankye and I have 3 of them. An old girl named Alice, and 2 young boys named Ben and Yeshe. They are the cutest little dogs. They're playful and loving and fun to watch. They can be maddeningly stubborn if you're stuck on having it your own way. In that way they are an exercise in patience and live and let live. I love them. Different than I loved Crow, but I love them all the same.

Toosday

This past week I feel like I'm walking through life in a dream or a fog. I'm there, but nothing is clear. While that's happening I'm also very busy at work, making art in my journal, reading two books, doing a crossword puzzle daily, watching TV, playing with the dogs, talking with Frankye, cooking, spending time with friends and family, web surfing, meditating, listening to NPR, and feeling sad for the state of the world.

At work I've planned out my major projects for the next 9 months, with stop and start dates for each leg of the project. I do this every year at this time since a few of my projects are step intensive and need to occur several times throughout the school year. Aside from a trip to my parents for Labor Day and a vacation in West Virginia in November with Frankye's brothers and sister, my personal life is not that planned or specific. I know I will be going to work most days.

There are some things up in the air. Our cat Dolly is really winding down. She is old and frail and slow. She's hanging in there, and doesn't seem to be uncomfortable at all, just not energetic. There's a possibility of our best friends moving away. If Christi gets a job she has applied for they may be out of Jax by December. Their good fortune would be our loss and sadness. Of course, there are no guarantees that I will even survive long enough to complete this post, what to speak of living to experience anything on my calendar to date.

The other day I was listening to NPR and Wolf Blitzer was talking with people to get their opinions about the terrorist plot the British discovered and prevented. People kept saying, "this is a different world now," or "the world is no longer safe." The only thing different is that Americans are now experiencing the same fear the majority of people in the world have experienced for a very long time. We now live like the third world. Not economically, but in terms of the rule of law, the unpredictability of mass violence and horror or catostrophe being perpetrated against us. All this is how several billion people on the planet have lived for a long time. It's an oxymoron, but we are less free because we are in less control.

I have started an adjunct page to this blog called, My Sketchbook, which will feature doodles and drawings from my journals. It's only for visuals. I'll continue using this blog for writing.

So that's Tuesday in my world here in Jacksonville.

Hooked - again

I was thinking about the Pema Chodron interview again. It's not been far from my mind since the first time I saw it. That's something I do often when I hear something that either makes sense or seems as though it will with some effort on my part. Pema Chodron mentioned an article she read by Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche called, "Working with Negativity," as being instrumental in her journey to becoming a Buddhist nun. Here is the first paragraph:

We all experience negativity -- the basic aggression of wanting things to be different than they are. We cling, we defend, we attack, and throughout there is a sense of one's own wretchedness, and so we blame the world for our pain. This is negativity. We experience it as terribly unpleasant, foul-smelling, something we want to get rid of. but if we look into it more deeply, it has a very juicy smell and is very alive. Negativity is not bad per se, but something living and precise, connected with reality.

The article (actually a chapter in the book: The Myth of Freedom) "hooks" you right away. It's very good. Trungpa Rinpoche was a very advanced Lama, well versed in western culture and so his writings are filled with metaphors and parables relevent to a western audience. I have read a few of his books, but there are many more available. Sometimes I need to catch up to what I consider my lagging teachability. I am often exposed to more than I can understand at the time I am introduced to it and need to grow into being able to learn from it. Trungpa is often that way for me. All of Buddhism is very often that way for me. It takes a while for each morsel of information to trickle down into my inner core.

NEWS Hooked

The news is just about the same - different but the same. The Israel-Lebanon war proceeds, more civilian deaths than military deaths (not that that should matter), a large portion of which are children (that does matter!). It's such madness. The war on Canal View Drive seems to be subsiding, but as pride dies slowly, so does the rift between the married siblings.

I watched Bill Moyer on Faith and Reason on PBS Sunday afternoon. Pema Chodron was the sole guest. I've watched it 3 times so far and will probably watch it 10 times before we erase it.

At one point during the conversation Pema Chodron talked about Shenpa aka "being hooked, as in addictions". She said you can see it physically happening in people. You can see the escalating anger and how the eyes glaze over. You can see that on TV when Bush talks, or the Israeli P.M., or Hezbollah leaders. They are hooked into what they are doing. They are hooked into their anger, into being right. They are so hooked they are killing children and somehow seeing it as worth it. Israel is allowing how many of their citizens to be killed by bombs because they are angry about 2 abducted soldiers? That is not clear thinking. That is emotion driven shenpa.

It is so easy to see shenpa in the world and in others. So difficult to see it in myself when I am in process. When I am in full blown hooked behavior I am at my stupidist. I am oblivious to the most obvious and as ignorant as can be. It is blinding.

Given my own blindness I can understand how leaders with armies can cause so much destruction and death when fully engaged in their escalating anger. They can't see the hundreds of dead children lying in front of them, they only see the 2 soldiers who were kidnapped 3 1/2 weeks ago. They can't see the pain and suffering their bombs cause, they only see that they are justified in causing the pain. It's really quite sick, and frightening. Frightening because that anger can erupt anywhere at anytime in the world. I can only wonder when and how the tide can turn or be turned.

One of Pema's points was that we can only unhook ourselves. So if I unhook myself and no longer allow my anger to escalate, will that make the world a safer place? I think the answer is yes and no. The world as a whole? No. But my world, my little local world can be made safer for me and others known and unknown if I learn to not be hooked in my addictions.

No Words

Watching

The War, The War

Searching for the Middle Way

Buddha taught the middle way. From today's Buddhist Beliefnet:

Let me tell you about the middle path. Dressing in rough and dirty garments, letting your hair grow matted, abstaining from eating any meat or fish, does not cleanse the one who is deluded. Mortifying the flesh through excessive hardship does not lead to a triumph over the senses. All self-inflicted suffering is useless as long as the feeling of self is dominant.

You should lose your involvement with yourself and then eat and drink naturally, according to the needs of your body. Attachment to your appetites--whether you deprive or indulge them--can lead to slavery, but satisfying the needs of daily life is not wrong. Indeed, to keep a body in good health is a duty, for otherwise the mind will not stay strong and clear.

This is the middle path.

-Discourse II, From "The Pocket Buddha Reader," edited by Anne Bancroft, 2000.

I don't think the Buddha would have spent a good deal of his life teaching the middle way if it was something most people around him were doing. In that way, I am not different. I am also not different in that I need to be told over and over again, reminded, told in different ways, different parables, within different contexts.

My impulse is toward extremism. I have often thought, and feared, that I would probably have been ripe for the Nazi youth movement had I grown up in Germany in the 30's. I fear that I would have been susceptible to that kind of extremism. Not because I am anti-semitic, but because I would let myself get caught up in the intensity, drama, and energy of the extremism of nazism. I hope not, but it has passed my mind on occassion.

In the current climate of violence that we live in, there are all kinds of extreme ideas going around. Last night on CNN there was a report on how conservative Christians are believing that we are on the verge of armageddon. There are millions in this country who believe in the rapture, in armageddon, in a 1000 years of peace after Jesus returns. That's a pretty extreme thought. There a extreme Muslims who believe that if they commit suicide by killing infidels they will go to heaven and be gifted with 37 virgins. That's a pretty extreme idea, too.

My own sense of facination with the morbid is related to extemism. I'm facinated by stories of serial killers. I've watched countless films and news footage of the holocaust. I watched videos on the internet of 4 Al Qaeda beheadings. If it is fiction, Stephen King, horror movies, I won't watch it or read it. It has to be real.

I remember when the movie Gremlins came out. I went to see it with friends. It was a completely fantasy based film and it frightened me so much that I kept having to leave the theatre and walk out into the lobby. There I was, me and a group of 4 year olds, waiting for the scary parts to end so we could go back into the theatre. Yet I watched the beheadings, with sound, and while cringing, watched every second of the video. That's pretty extreme and my own impulse to see humans at their worst, whether it be executioner, serial killers, or genocidal dictators, is also extreme.

I'm not sure why I have this impulse. Perhaps it is my way of seeing my own life as the middle way, between psychopath and saint. But if I need to go to those extremes to see the middle way I don't think I will make much progress on the eightfold path. So I search on to find the middle way.