Last Day in New York (for now)

Monday morning. I have a 4:00 flight out of Islip airport. It's been a short trip. I look forward to coming back again because I get to see the family, and I really enjoy that. Next trip will be my sister to Jax. Then nephew and his family will hopefully be coming down to visit in-laws - and me! Then I will make my way back to NY sometime during the year.

It's been a wonderful visit, brief as it was. Friday, right from the airport, Bren and I went to Huntington and had lunch with our cousins Rene and Susan. We had a wonderful 3 hour lunch, good food, and still not enough time together! If you are in Huntington make a point of dining at F. H. Riley's. You will not be disappointed.

After lunch, Brenda and I went to what has now become one of my favorite indendent bookstores, Book Revue. It is a few blocks from Riley's, is huge, and sells new and used books. Great selection. The store is huge, comfortable, 2 floors, a small cafe inside, lots of freebie alternative newspapers. We stayed quite awhile, I bought 2 books, Bren bought 2 children's books, and then we headed home. We got in at 5:30. 6 hours after my flight landed in Islip.

More later and more photos later.

Themes

I noticed early in my life that each year has a theme. It's as if there was an outline that my life was following. I don't believe in fate, so I don't believe my life is preordained by anything other than my previous and current karma. Still, while in high school I realized that years ending in an odd number were more difficult, i.e., painful, and at times, life threatening; always at my own hand, the result of poor decisions I made in this life. I absolve myself of the events prior to my teens, as I had not enough control of my circumstances in my life to have been consciously responsible for those harrowing incidents. Since my mid teens, I have had to live the consequences of decisions I consciously made.

The years when I found my life "crashing" were followed by a year or years of clean up and recovery. 2009 was a year of crashing, but not life threatening. More like eye-opening. More cathartic in a subtle, emotional way. It is said that dealing with ourselves is like peeling an onion. My onion has been peeled further. This past year was a year of taking a long hard look at me, my relationships with others and my relationship to myself. It was a year of decisions. Hard choices.

Having made some decisions, 2010 is a year to take action on those decisions. I'd be lying by omission if I didn't say that I was scared. Not frightened -- SCARED. Nonetheless, ACTION is my theme for this year. Given that I have made some poor choices in the past, I have been diligent in internally exploring the right choices, for the right reasons, and at the best time for my life.

Buddhism has taught me that the only thing I can control is my own decisions and actions. I cannot control others, I cannot control circumstances in the world or in my immediate environment. So I will take the actions I can take and work toward getting more control of me.

Last Day of 2009

There's a song by Harry Nilson called Mr. Richland's Favorite Song. Some lyric:


The calendar changed
The pages fell off
But the singer remained the same


It's new years eve. Last day of calendar year 2009. It's not the only thing different between today and tomorrow, interdependence and all that. 2009 was a difficult year for me. Difficult decisions, difficult acceptances, difficult loss, difficult emotions, thoughts, and bodily pain. NONE of that will change because the calendar changed. None of it. I have no illusion of the changing of the year. No illusion that next year will be better, or worse, for that matter. I guess Buddhism ruins that. I understand that things will always change -- EVERYTHING will change, from better to worse and back again.

The Face of Christmas 2009

I can't say anymore than this.

December 8th

"Humans are the only creatures who comprehend that we are going to die...the only creatures who can imagine living forever. It's that combo that drives us crazy," Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein.

Richard

Having a tough time grieving Richard. Some days are better than others. These last few days have been tough. I can't stop crying. Some days, no tears. Other days, nothing but tears.

I'm so sad for my sister and brother-in-law and for Joseph. I want to protect them from the dysfunction of our family, so they can mourn in peace.

Richard is at peace.

Some day we will be at peace with the loss of Richard.

Richard Bulzomi

May 6, 1979 ~ October 18, 2009

Beloved Nephew ~ A Favorite Person

Lives in My Heart Eternally

Sun-day

The sun is out and it's hot already. I've had an ok weekend so far. Good sangha yesterday, lunch with our Lama and fellow sangha members. A quiet day at home which included a nap. It's always a good day if you can have a nap.

I was surprised that Obama won the Noble Peace Prize. I hoped that one day he would win it, that he would accomplish enough to earn consideration for the prize. But he won it after 9 months in office, chosen for it after 1 month in office. Aside from a few speeches, his "actions" were that of a campaigner with a gift for inspirational rhetoric.

My initial reaction to the announcement of the award was, "whoa, way too soon--makes a mockery of it--and where does he go if he actually accomplishes something besides getting elected!" Then a friend sent a you-tube of Rachel Maddow's commentary on the award to Obama. She focused on how many recipients were awarded the award prior to having achieved what they hoped and verbalized they would work to accomplish. These are remarkably respectable, and accomplished people, who were not necessaarily so accomplished at the time of the award: Archbishop Desmond Tutu (1984)and
Aung San Suu Kyi (1991) to name two in recent history.

Maddow points out that encouraging global hope is reason enough for the Nobel Peace Prize, and in that sense, Barak Obama has earned the title Nobel Peace Prize Laureate.

I believe that at least part of the hope that Barak Obama has given birth to is partially (or wholly) attributable to the depth of despair that Bush/Chaney fostered. And while that may be true it doesn't change the fact that Barak Obama said the right things at the right time, so much so that the almost unthinkable occured: a black man was elected President of the United States. I think the world's hope lies not only in a new positive leader of the free world, but in the renewed hope that Americans are all that the world hopes they are.

My so-called life

It's been awhile since I have posted. It's all the things I can't say outloud to the world that keeps me from writing. That was a bullshit line. My life is about a whole lot more than what I choose not to talk about.

The photo is a Coleman Kenai tent I recently purchased. I recently went on my first camping trip in 25 years. I went alone, meeting friends at the campground. It was a hot rainy weekend and LOVED it anyway. There were two great parts to the trip: the time I spent alone in and around my tent, and the time I spent with my friends, MLA, and their friends. I enjoyed being outdoors more than being indoors. I spent a sweet evening alone in my tent reading and listening to the sound of the rain on my tent. I was bone dry inside. I even enjoyed the 3 hour drive there and back. All around, what a great trip!!! Loved it, can't wait to do it again.

The rest of my life is in transition. Transition without movement -- YET. My office is moving Oct 30th. But it hasn't happened yet. I had to move out of my cubby and move into temporary quarters which is basically a closet at this point. Things have been very trying at work. Stressful for me, and then the ultimate: my hard drive crashed yesterday and I lost EVERYTHING. Two years of work. My bad that I had not backed up to the server. Oy! BTW, Oy! is my clean version of shitfuckpiss, my favorite expletive.

I have always had a lot of trouble dealing with the transition space between decision and actualization. It is very uncomfortable for me. I am tedious in my decision making when it comes to big things in my life, but then once I make the decision I want and am ready mentally and emotionally for it to happen now. Never have I been able to make that happen quicker than it can happen, and that's a good thing, because I can then do it properly.

I hope to get back into a mindset of writing more. Let this be the first of many.

"To have been distracted to such a degree that one no longer notices that one's mind has strayed from what once was. By then, perhaps, life has become only what one has been distracted by, only to be distracted again. Life?" ~ Marion S. Turner

Loving Kindness And BuddhaNature

It's Fryday!

I love Frydays. The end of the work week, and the weekend poised to begin. It's 7 a.m. and the work day is still ahead of me, but it will be a good day. Today at work we are having a 2:00 PM dessert party. Everyone is to bring their favorite dessert and the recipe for how to make it. Should be fun. I will not bring anything.

I slept well, though I woke a number of times during the night. I took an aleve before bed and I woke feeling good. F was still up when I got up, and she will probably sleep all day. Not sure what we will do for tonight. Well, actually, I do know -- we will have dinner and then talk, play with the animals, and watch TV. The unknown is what we will have for dinner. Life has to have some mystery.

10 Questions a Buddhist Asks Everyday

1) Did I protect life today?
2) Did I honor other people’s property?
3) Did I adhere to my vow of sexual purity?
4) Did I try to be totally truthful all day long?
5) Do I speak in ways that tried to bring people together?
6) Did I speak gently to other people?
7) Did I try to speak meaningfully?
8) When I saw someone else get something nice, was I happy for them?
9) Did I feel for other people who have a misfortune?
10) Did I maintain a Buddhist World View?

Practice Saturday

Practice with sangha is on the agenda for today. Afterwards F and I will have lots of errands to do.

Yesterday my sole (soul) practice was being a slug. I feel mentally and emotionally refreshed. More rested than I have felt in months. It amazes me how a day alone can feed me and rejuvenate me. I got what I needed yesterday - from me.

F and I had an enjoyable evening. I would say that it was very relaxed, but not all of it was. Between F and I it was great. She joined me in the den at 6:30. I made her eggs & cheese with multi-grain toast and a cup of tea for her 6:30 PM breakfast. I had egg noodle with butter and locatelli romano cheese - the ultimate comfort food!

What was unsettling was a dvd we watched called "An American Crime." It was a brutal movie based on a true story that took place in Indiana in the 1960's. A woman and her children scapegoat a 16 year old girl boarding with them while her parents are traveling with a carnival. The child is imprisoned in the basement of the house and repeatedly tortured, burned, and branded not only by the mother and her children, but by neighborhood teenagers who hang out in the house. The girl dies as a result of the abuse and all people, even the youngest child who participated, are charged with various crimes related to the murder. It was such an unsettling movie. Painful to watch and true which made it even more horrifying.

Fryday afternoon

I have had exactly the day I needed to have. Quiet. Alone. F is sleeping in and enjoying alone time in the back of the house.

I did some web searching. Listened to the news. Watched Sarah Palin resign her governorship without giving a reason (in no less than about 10,000 words). Did some reading. Listened to my on-the-go playlist and Jakob Dylan's solo album on my iPod. Cut the dog's nails. Ate breakfast and lunch, drank a pot of coffee and am thinking about having another pot. Watched reruns of Bones and NCIS. Painted some pages in my moleskine journal. I prepaint the pages. I hate writing on a blank page.

My iPod on-the-go playlist:
Streets of Philadelphia - Springsteen
Lady In Red - Chris De Burg
Levon - Elton John
Faithfully - Journey
Hallelluah (live) - k.d. lang
Close My Eyes Forever - Lita Ford/Ozzie Osbourne
Ohio - Crosby Stills Nash & Young
Love Hurts - Cher
Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton
One - U2
Pipes of Peace - Paul McCartney
Knocking on Heaven's Door (live) Bob Dylan & the Band
Coming Home - Delaney & Bonnie with Eric Clapton

I change it about every 4 or 5 days. Some of the tunes stay longer. Sometimes I change the sequence but keep the same songs longer.

Fryday

I slept in this morning - til 7:15. I'm sure it was due to very late night efforts by F, letting the dogs out late and feeding them snacks. I'm grateful, I needed the sleep.

I'm having a nice quiet morning. I watched a few brief art videos on youtube posted by the Tate Gallery in London. I saw a couple of interesting ones, David Hockney answering questions sent via twitter, Damien Hirst on Francis Bacon, critic review of Rothko exhibit, a view of the Tate Klimt exhibit, an excellent review of the Tate Cy Twombly exhibit.

One of the things I jotted in my journal was the critic's comment about a huge Klimt mural; he described one section as depicting "the enemies of humanity: sickness, madness, and death." The Buddha, as well as hindu vedic scripture, talks about the realities (four noble truths) of man being birth, sickness, old age and death. I think madness would come under the category of sickness, but hearing it singled out rang loud to me.

Madness. The world is overcome with the sufferers of madness, in varying degrees. There's the madness of those who hallucinate and hear voices, and live painful, tortured lives in solitude and despair. There's the madness of serial killers and mass murderers who strike out their mad rage at others. There's the madness of Hitler, Kim Jong Il, Stalin, Idi Amin, and way too many others throughout human history, who instigate and commit genocide. There's the madness of Dick Cheney and G.W. Bush and the havoc they wreaked on our country, Iraq, and the exacerbation of the problems in the middle east. There's the madness of ideas, like: who ever has the most nuclear bombs is the safest, or the strongest are the most moral, or war is worth the sacrifices of others. War is never worth it. You can't fight violence with violence, or hatred with hatred, or madness with madness. Of all the "enemies of humanity" madness is certainly the most lethal. It is more than sickness or disease. It is in a separate category. Klimt was very right about that.

My plan for the rest of the day is - no plan. I want a day with nothing but tasks necessary to the sustenance of my life and the life of my animals. That's it! NOTHING ELSE. The rest will be open to impulse or lack thereof, if that is my state.

Friday on Thursday

Today is my Friday, even though it's Thursday. What a mind f**k we have been programmed into us. I was just going to write that I hate time, but time is not anything, it is nothing, there is nothing to hate. What I hate is the regimentation. The living on a schedule EVERY F**KING DAY of my life. Every day, day after day. What is a day? Is it only the time between sleeps? Is it daylight time? Is it a fraction of a life?

Oy, I'm in one of those moods. Time for an attitude adjustment. The positive. The positive is that over the next 3 days, I have only one commitment: going to sangha on Saturday. That's it. My work week has been exhausting. partly because I have been so busy I can barely breathe; partly because I am still tired from my trip to S.FL. Boy, that wore me out. If Brenda hadn't been there it would have been even worse. Sharing a room with her again after 40+ years was fun and comforting through the storm. My mother seems to be healing well. Glad things are better down there for them both.

July 4th weekend coming. I hope it will be quiet. It doesn't bother me much but it does freak the dogs. They will be on edge all day. Kohl has not yet experienced fireworks noise. It will be interesting to see how he reacts. He is one fun cat. Lots of personality, lots of energy, (except when napping between my legs on my recliner - like right now), lots of piss and vinegar!

I'm reading Seeking Peace by Mary Pipher. It's quite good. I see myself, I see Frankye, some of Lori. It's interesting and often quite witty. I've also just begun West With The Night by Beryl Markham, a book I have wanted to read for some time. On my iPod I just put And The Hippos Were Boiled In Their Tanks by William S. Burroughs and Jack Kerouac, a murder mystery based on a true story, co-written in alternating chapters. I'm looking forward to listening to that.

That's it for now. I hope to write more this weekend.

P.S. That's a photo of our old gal, Mittens, with her "huh?" expression.