Life is a journey

Last Day in New York (for now)

2010-01-18T09:47:00.003-05:00

Monday morning. I have a 4:00 flight out of Islip airport. It's been a short trip. I look forward to coming back again because I get to see the family, and I really enjoy that. Next trip will be my sister to Jax. Then nephew and his family will hopefully be coming down to visit in-laws - and me! Then I will make my way back to NY sometime during the year.

It's been a wonderful visit, brief as it was. Friday, right from the airport, Bren and I went to Huntington and had lunch with our cousins Rene and Susan. We had a wonderful 3 hour lunch, good food, and still not enough time together! If you are in Huntington make a point of dining at F. H. Riley's. You will not be disappointed.

After lunch, Brenda and I went to what has now become one of my favorite indendent bookstores, Book Revue. It is a few blocks from Riley's, is huge, and sells new and used books. Great selection. The store is huge, comfortable, 2 floors, a small cafe inside, lots of freebie alternative newspapers. We stayed quite awhile, I bought 2 books, Bren bought 2 children's books, and then we headed home. We got in at 5:30. 6 hours after my flight landed in Islip.

More later and more photos later.

Themes

2010-01-14T07:52:00.002-05:00

I noticed early in my life that each year has a theme. It's as if there was an outline that my life was following. I don't believe in fate, so I don't believe my life is preordained by anything other than my previous and current karma. Still, while in high school I realized that years ending in an odd number were more difficult, i.e., painful, and at times, life threatening; always at my own hand, the result of poor decisions I made in this life. I absolve myself of the events prior to my teens, as I had not enough control of my circumstances in my life to have been consciously responsible for those harrowing incidents. Since my mid teens, I have had to live the consequences of decisions I consciously made.

The years when I found my life "crashing" were followed by a year or years of clean up and recovery. 2009 was a year of crashing, but not life threatening. More like eye-opening. More cathartic in a subtle, emotional way. It is said that dealing with ourselves is like peeling an onion. My onion has been peeled further. This past year was a year of taking a long hard look at me, my relationships with others and my relationship to myself. It was a year of decisions. Hard choices.

Having made some decisions, 2010 is a year to take action on those decisions. I'd be lying by omission if I didn't say that I was scared. Not frightened -- SCARED. Nonetheless, ACTION is my theme for this year. Given that I have made some poor choices in the past, I have been diligent in internally exploring the right choices, for the right reasons, and at the best time for my life.

Buddhism has taught me that the only thing I can control is my own decisions and actions. I cannot control others, I cannot control circumstances in the world or in my immediate environment. So I will take the actions I can take and work toward getting more control of me.

Last Day of 2009

2009-12-31T09:32:00.001-05:00

There's a song by Harry Nilson called Mr. Richland's Favorite Song. Some lyric:

The calendar changed
The pages fell off
But the singer remained the same

It's new years eve. Last day of calendar year 2009. It's not the only thing different between today and tomorrow, interdependence and all that. 2009 was a difficult year for me. Difficult decisions, difficult acceptances, difficult loss, difficult emotions, thoughts, and bodily pain. NONE of that will change because the calendar changed. None of it. I have no illusion of the changing of the year. No illusion that next year will be better, or worse, for that matter. I guess Buddhism ruins that. I understand that things will always change -- EVERYTHING will change, from better to worse and back again.

The Face of Christmas 2009

2009-12-25T09:32:00.002-05:00

I can't say anymore than this.

December 8th

2009-12-08T07:37:00.001-05:00

2009-11-17T07:08:00.002-05:00

"Humans are the only creatures who comprehend that we are going to die...the only creatures who can imagine living forever. It's that combo that drives us crazy," Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein.

Richard

2009-11-10T08:23:00.009-05:00

Having a tough time grieving Richard. Some days are better than others. These last few days have been tough. I can't stop crying. Some days, no tears. Other days, nothing but tears.

I'm so sad for my sister and brother-in-law and for Joseph. I want to protect them from the dysfunction of our family, so they can mourn in peace.

Richard is at peace.

Some day we will be at peace with the loss of Richard.

2009-10-29T02:13:00.000-04:00

Richard Bulzomi

May 6, 1979 ~ October 18, 2009

Beloved Nephew ~ A Favorite Person

Lives in My Heart Eternally

Sun-day

2009-10-11T10:10:00.004-04:00

The sun is out and it's hot already. I've had an ok weekend so far. Good sangha yesterday, lunch with our Lama and fellow sangha members. A quiet day at home which included a nap. It's always a good day if you can have a nap.

I was surprised that Obama won the Noble Peace Prize. I hoped that one day he would win it, that he would accomplish enough to earn consideration for the prize. But he won it after 9 months in office, chosen for it after 1 month in office. Aside from a few speeches, his "actions" were that of a campaigner with a gift for inspirational rhetoric.

My initial reaction to the announcement of the award was, "whoa, way too soon--makes a mockery of it--and where does he go if he actually accomplishes something besides getting elected!" Then a friend sent a you-tube of Rachel Maddow's commentary on the award to Obama. She focused on how many recipients were awarded the award prior to having achieved what they hoped and verbalized they would work to accomplish. These are remarkably respectable, and accomplished people, who were not necessaarily so accomplished at the time of the award: Archbishop Desmond Tutu (1984)and
Aung San Suu Kyi (1991) to name two in recent history.

Maddow points out that encouraging global hope is reason enough for the Nobel Peace Prize, and in that sense, Barak Obama has earned the title Nobel Peace Prize Laureate.

I believe that at least part of the hope that Barak Obama has given birth to is partially (or wholly) attributable to the depth of despair that Bush/Chaney fostered. And while that may be true it doesn't change the fact that Barak Obama said the right things at the right time, so much so that the almost unthinkable occured: a black man was elected President of the United States. I think the world's hope lies not only in a new positive leader of the free world, but in the renewed hope that Americans are all that the world hopes they are.

My so-called life

2009-10-09T08:13:00.003-04:00

It's been awhile since I have posted. It's all the things I can't say outloud to the world that keeps me from writing. That was a bullshit line. My life is about a whole lot more than what I choose not to talk about.

The photo is a Coleman Kenai tent I recently purchased. I recently went on my first camping trip in 25 years. I went alone, meeting friends at the campground. It was a hot rainy weekend and LOVED it anyway. There were two great parts to the trip: the time I spent alone in and around my tent, and the time I spent with my friends, MLA, and their friends. I enjoyed being outdoors more than being indoors. I spent a sweet evening alone in my tent reading and listening to the sound of the rain on my tent. I was bone dry inside. I even enjoyed the 3 hour drive there and back. All around, what a great trip!!! Loved it, can't wait to do it again.

The rest of my life is in transition. Transition without movement -- YET. My office is moving Oct 30th. But it hasn't happened yet. I had to move out of my cubby and move into temporary quarters which is basically a closet at this point. Things have been very trying at work. Stressful for me, and then the ultimate: my hard drive crashed yesterday and I lost EVERYTHING. Two years of work. My bad that I had not backed up to the server. Oy! BTW, Oy! is my clean version of shitfuckpiss, my favorite expletive.

I have always had a lot of trouble dealing with the transition space between decision and actualization. It is very uncomfortable for me. I am tedious in my decision making when it comes to big things in my life, but then once I make the decision I want and am ready mentally and emotionally for it to happen now. Never have I been able to make that happen quicker than it can happen, and that's a good thing, because I can then do it properly.

I hope to get back into a mindset of writing more. Let this be the first of many.

2009-07-28T07:57:00.001-04:00

"To have been distracted to such a degree that one no longer notices that one's mind has strayed from what once was. By then, perhaps, life has become only what one has been distracted by, only to be distracted again. Life?" ~ Marion S. Turner

Loving Kindness And BuddhaNature

2009-07-18T09:14:00.000-04:00

It's Fryday!

2009-07-17T07:18:00.000-04:00

I love Frydays. The end of the work week, and the weekend poised to begin. It's 7 a.m. and the work day is still ahead of me, but it will be a good day. Today at work we are having a 2:00 PM dessert party. Everyone is to bring their favorite dessert and the recipe for how to make it. Should be fun. I will not bring anything.

I slept well, though I woke a number of times during the night. I took an aleve before bed and I woke feeling good. F was still up when I got up, and she will probably sleep all day. Not sure what we will do for tonight. Well, actually, I do know -- we will have dinner and then talk, play with the animals, and watch TV. The unknown is what we will have for dinner. Life has to have some mystery.

10 Questions a Buddhist Asks Everyday

2009-07-16T16:37:00.001-04:00

1) Did I protect life today?
2) Did I honor other people’s property?
3) Did I adhere to my vow of sexual purity?
4) Did I try to be totally truthful all day long?
5) Do I speak in ways that tried to bring people together?
6) Did I speak gently to other people?
7) Did I try to speak meaningfully?
8) When I saw someone else get something nice, was I happy for them?
9) Did I feel for other people who have a misfortune?
10) Did I maintain a Buddhist World View?

2009-07-16T08:51:00.004-04:00

2009-07-14T08:27:00.001-04:00

Practice Saturday

2009-07-04T09:19:00.003-04:00

Practice with sangha is on the agenda for today. Afterwards F and I will have lots of errands to do.

Yesterday my sole (soul) practice was being a slug. I feel mentally and emotionally refreshed. More rested than I have felt in months. It amazes me how a day alone can feed me and rejuvenate me. I got what I needed yesterday - from me.

F and I had an enjoyable evening. I would say that it was very relaxed, but not all of it was. Between F and I it was great. She joined me in the den at 6:30. I made her eggs & cheese with multi-grain toast and a cup of tea for her 6:30 PM breakfast. I had egg noodle with butter and locatelli romano cheese - the ultimate comfort food!

What was unsettling was a dvd we watched called "An American Crime." It was a brutal movie based on a true story that took place in Indiana in the 1960's. A woman and her children scapegoat a 16 year old girl boarding with them while her parents are traveling with a carnival. The child is imprisoned in the basement of the house and repeatedly tortured, burned, and branded not only by the mother and her children, but by neighborhood teenagers who hang out in the house. The girl dies as a result of the abuse and all people, even the youngest child who participated, are charged with various crimes related to the murder. It was such an unsettling movie. Painful to watch and true which made it even more horrifying.

Fryday afternoon

2009-07-03T16:48:00.002-04:00

I have had exactly the day I needed to have. Quiet. Alone. F is sleeping in and enjoying alone time in the back of the house.

I did some web searching. Listened to the news. Watched Sarah Palin resign her governorship without giving a reason (in no less than about 10,000 words). Did some reading. Listened to my on-the-go playlist and Jakob Dylan's solo album on my iPod. Cut the dog's nails. Ate breakfast and lunch, drank a pot of coffee and am thinking about having another pot. Watched reruns of Bones and NCIS. Painted some pages in my moleskine journal. I prepaint the pages. I hate writing on a blank page.

My iPod on-the-go playlist:
Streets of Philadelphia - Springsteen
Lady In Red - Chris De Burg
Levon - Elton John
Faithfully - Journey
Hallelluah (live) - k.d. lang
Close My Eyes Forever - Lita Ford/Ozzie Osbourne
Ohio - Crosby Stills Nash & Young
Love Hurts - Cher
Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton
One - U2
Pipes of Peace - Paul McCartney
Knocking on Heaven's Door (live) Bob Dylan & the Band
Coming Home - Delaney & Bonnie with Eric Clapton

I change it about every 4 or 5 days. Some of the tunes stay longer. Sometimes I change the sequence but keep the same songs longer.

Fryday

2009-07-03T09:20:00.004-04:00

I slept in this morning - til 7:15. I'm sure it was due to very late night efforts by F, letting the dogs out late and feeding them snacks. I'm grateful, I needed the sleep.

I'm having a nice quiet morning. I watched a few brief art videos on youtube posted by the Tate Gallery in London. I saw a couple of interesting ones, David Hockney answering questions sent via twitter, Damien Hirst on Francis Bacon, critic review of Rothko exhibit, a view of the Tate Klimt exhibit, an excellent review of the Tate Cy Twombly exhibit.

One of the things I jotted in my journal was the critic's comment about a huge Klimt mural; he described one section as depicting "the enemies of humanity: sickness, madness, and death." The Buddha, as well as hindu vedic scripture, talks about the realities (four noble truths) of man being birth, sickness, old age and death. I think madness would come under the category of sickness, but hearing it singled out rang loud to me.

Madness. The world is overcome with the sufferers of madness, in varying degrees. There's the madness of those who hallucinate and hear voices, and live painful, tortured lives in solitude and despair. There's the madness of serial killers and mass murderers who strike out their mad rage at others. There's the madness of Hitler, Kim Jong Il, Stalin, Idi Amin, and way too many others throughout human history, who instigate and commit genocide. There's the madness of Dick Cheney and G.W. Bush and the havoc they wreaked on our country, Iraq, and the exacerbation of the problems in the middle east. There's the madness of ideas, like: who ever has the most nuclear bombs is the safest, or the strongest are the most moral, or war is worth the sacrifices of others. War is never worth it. You can't fight violence with violence, or hatred with hatred, or madness with madness. Of all the "enemies of humanity" madness is certainly the most lethal. It is more than sickness or disease. It is in a separate category. Klimt was very right about that.

My plan for the rest of the day is - no plan. I want a day with nothing but tasks necessary to the sustenance of my life and the life of my animals. That's it! NOTHING ELSE. The rest will be open to impulse or lack thereof, if that is my state.

Friday on Thursday

2009-07-02T08:47:00.005-04:00

Today is my Friday, even though it's Thursday. What a mind f**k we have been programmed into us. I was just going to write that I hate time, but time is not anything, it is nothing, there is nothing to hate. What I hate is the regimentation. The living on a schedule EVERY F**KING DAY of my life. Every day, day after day. What is a day? Is it only the time between sleeps? Is it daylight time? Is it a fraction of a life?

Oy, I'm in one of those moods. Time for an attitude adjustment. The positive. The positive is that over the next 3 days, I have only one commitment: going to sangha on Saturday. That's it. My work week has been exhausting. partly because I have been so busy I can barely breathe; partly because I am still tired from my trip to S.FL. Boy, that wore me out. If Brenda hadn't been there it would have been even worse. Sharing a room with her again after 40+ years was fun and comforting through the storm. My mother seems to be healing well. Glad things are better down there for them both.

July 4th weekend coming. I hope it will be quiet. It doesn't bother me much but it does freak the dogs. They will be on edge all day. Kohl has not yet experienced fireworks noise. It will be interesting to see how he reacts. He is one fun cat. Lots of personality, lots of energy, (except when napping between my legs on my recliner - like right now), lots of piss and vinegar!

I'm reading Seeking Peace by Mary Pipher. It's quite good. I see myself, I see Frankye, some of Lori. It's interesting and often quite witty. I've also just begun West With The Night by Beryl Markham, a book I have wanted to read for some time. On my iPod I just put And The Hippos Were Boiled In Their Tanks by William S. Burroughs and Jack Kerouac, a murder mystery based on a true story, co-written in alternating chapters. I'm looking forward to listening to that.

That's it for now. I hope to write more this weekend.

P.S. That's a photo of our old gal, Mittens, with her "huh?" expression.

Home Again

2009-06-26T09:13:00.002-04:00

I got home Wed eve at about 6:30 p.m. I knew I was tired but I had no idea how tired I was until after dinner. I brought home Panera salads, so neither I nor F had to prepare a meal. Afterwards I found myself closing my eyes and listening to the news. My mind kept going, but my body was really tired. Before long I fell into a deep sleep and slept for almost 3 hours. F was very kind in allowing me to stay a sleep even though she hates when I do that, especially after I have been away for a week. I woke up and stayed up about 1 1/2 hours and then fell into bed and immediately went into a deep sleep again until 7 a.m.!!! That is a lot of sleep for me. About 10 hours. A rare occurrence.

Yesterday I was in a fog for most of my day at work. It wasn't until after lunch that I actually got a real boost of energy and went through my backed-up work like crazy. I went shopping afterwards and F did meal prep. Lovely. We had a quiet evening and I went to bed at 11. Again I slept well. Woke up at 5:30, back in the groove. And now, it's Friday!

Michael Jackson. How many blogs will have that name on it. It's sad that he died so young. But what is more sad is that he lived in so much pain - all his life, I think. In a sense, it is a good thing for him that it is over. I think he has been a defeated man for quite a while. Sad for his children, his family. He was a very, very talented entertainer. Brilliant. I think the news will be filled with the same Elvis story. Self destruction, enabled and encourage by those closest to him. Sad, sad...

Another sad story, but not unexpected, was Farrah Fawcett passing. She is not a celebrity that loomed large in my life at all. Actually, the role I remember her most for is the pretty girl she played in Myra Breckinridge with Raquel Welch. They actually had a love scene together. I remember her on Charlie's Angels, but vaguely. I saw the documentary that she made about her battle with cancer. It aired a couple of months ago. It was very honest and she was open. I left that feeling a lot of empathy for her and tremendous respect for her courage in allowing herself to be seen dealing with such an awful disease. I thought she would die sooner than she did. In fact, I thought it was unfortunate that she did, she was clearly in so much pain. She is out of that body now.

Time for me to go to work. Latah!

Neda Agha-Soltan

2009-06-23T09:25:00.002-04:00

Savannah

2009-06-11T17:36:00.004-04:00

This past weekend Frankye, her sister, Barbara, and I went to Savannah. Barbara and I had never been there before. It was hot and humid, and drizzled a few times. I've always thought of the deep south as the cradle of the civil war. Savannah is an exception. Not much of the war was fought there. That surprised me. I'm not a civil war buff but I am a colonial-revolutionary war period buff. I had no idea that Savannah had such a rich history from that time period and had spent a good part of the past century preserving many of the buildings and original squares that dot the historic district in the city.

We took a trolly tour of the city and I saw at least a dozen places I would like to visit close up. The old homes, live oaks, city parks, and even the colonial park cemetery, were all beautiful with a southern quietness to them. Many tourists around. Lots of girl scout troops visiting the home of the founder of the GSA. It was a fun visit. Good food. Good company. Exercize.

My brother is better, back to his life. Taking it slow. Sunday my mother fell and broke her shoulder. She is suffering. Very painful. My father is a saint. Burning karma at a rapid pace, he is. I will be going down next Friday, earlier if my mother needs surgery. We will know on Monday.

Onward and upward...

fryday

2009-06-05T17:08:00.004-04:00

Finally made it to Fryday, and it's past 5 pm. Still at work but getting ready to leave soon. This week feels as though it has been packed with stuff:

work as always. And that was ok
Tot's accident and all the emotion of that
Barbara arrived for her much anticipated visit and that has been very, very nice
my brother's emergency hospitalization, and he is doing better tho still in the hospital
came to work today and found that I had received a bonus, and I thought we weren't getting one this year - a nice surprise.
heard that a co-worker who had been having complications gave birth to a healthy preemie last night - all is well with both

Other stuff is:

a planned trip to Savannah for this weekend, that we can now afford to enjoy what the city has to offer a little more.
re-exploring and rediscovering Bob Dylan's music, after reading his book Chronicles 1 and loving it.
reading The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet and wishing I could sit in a chair and read it through in one sitting. (An aside to my friend josh - I think you would love this book - it's about a very smart 12 year old boy - kinda like somone I know).
having it be Friday evening and Barb and Frankye are coming home from St. Augustine with dinner take out
reconnecting with Mo on-line through facebook, and missing her and her family very much
having Richard back home and talking on the phone with him and doing email together

So it has been a week of weeks rolled into one week. I am ready:

to go home
to rest and relax
to enjoy the sound of the rain
to sleep well tonight
to have my feet up
to play word whomp on my computer
to chat with Barb and Frankye
to watch the telly
to have dinner
to smile and feel good about my friends, even though they are not with me
to forget that my parents are nuts and love them anyway (oy!)
to start all over tomorrow!

Oh yeah...I forgot...I have a 4 day weekend!

Smooth

2009-06-01T15:54:00.004-04:00

I wish my life would go smoothly sometimes. I would like to have a period of time in my life where there was no ripples in the water. I’d love a long (not eons…weeks would be nice) period of no outside interruptions, or near misses for people I care about, no trauma, drama, or adversity. Just quiet. I crave quiet.

My life is too busy. Busy and chaotic. Chaotic because I am not deaf and I hear sounds and talking all day, every day, and I can’t get away from it. Living things in the world are constantly communicating with one another, or with no one in particular.

I often wonder what it would be to live in a little cabin in the woods, ala Thoreau or Merton. Getting up, doing chores, cooking, eating, reading, writing, watching, walking, sleeping; all the basic tasks of life without all the noise of the contemporary world. No tv, radio, phones, computers; news from newspapers, family news from letters. I feel a silent retreat at Marywood coming on!

The biggest intrusion of them all: the telephone. The telephone rings and I, or someone else in the house answers, and you never know if it is going to be idle chatter, pleasant news, or news that strikes fear into the very depths of your heart. Last night we received the latter.

A little after 7 pm last night, someone we know and love, someone often referred to as “Tots,” was driving his motorcycle over 100 MPH on I-95 north and hit a car. I could write a long description of the accident and damage that ensued, but I don’t want to remember it to even retell it. What is the most horrendous part of this story is the knowledge that if just one thing did not go in his favor, I would not be writing this right now. I’d be too distraught and caring for someone who was even more distraught than I.

Tots is alive, with no broken bones, no head or spine injury and no organ damage. Because of the quick thinking and unselfish bravery of the car he hit, he was spared being run over after he catapulted into the lane in front of the car he hit. The driver veered his own car into the median divider, rather than hit Tots’ body lying in the lane ahead of him. The driver and his passenger are unhurt.

Because of the unselfish bravery of another driver, coming behind, who stopped his car before he got to Tots, and jumped up on the hood of his car and directed traffic out of the lane so Tots could be brought to safety to the side of the road, he was not hit by many cars that would have not seen him lying in the road in time to swerve or stop. Because of the many cars that stopped to attend to him, and called for help, Tots was safely brought to the side of the road, removed from harm’s way, and attended to by EMT, who arrived within 2 ½ minutes.

Tots spent hours in the ER getting CT scans, x-rays, IV morphine, antibiotics, and wound cleaning and dressing. Then he went home to his apt with his gf to rest. I was told the bike was cut in two and so mangled that his brother broke down when he saw it. Tots is suffering today. He has massive and extreme road rash over many parts of his body. Today he feels like he was run over by a truck. I think he does not understand yet how close he came to that being his reality. Why is he alive after such a horrendous accident? Who knows. I just know that every thing that needed to go right for him to survive without life debilitating injury did go right. I am so grateful (to what, I wonder?). And I am exhausted from it. I’m not even his mother, or brother, or father, or grandmother. I can only imagine how they feel.

I started this blog by complaining about the intrusion of life. Life can only intrude in such a way when you care for others. I have for so long wished I didn’t give a shit about anyone. It would make it easier to be aloof, unimpassioned, quietly sympathetic but unaffected. It is so not my nature, I would be fighting against myself always to accomplish that.

When I was a child I use to swim in the ocean in the summers. I would spend long periods of time riding the waves, or sitting on the beach watching the gulls go up and down on the waves, steady, always afloat, not getting dunked. The Buddhist goal is to sit on the waves, be they tidal waves or ripples, just as a gull would sit on the water. Smooth. Steady. Undisturbed. I am so not there yet.

Is it time?

2009-05-31T08:30:00.009-04:00

I'm thinking it's time to start blogging again. I got out of writing anywhere on anything for a period of time. I even stopped writing in my journal. I just shut it all down. It coincided with not reading, or more accurately, not being able to read. In the past week I have begun writing more than the date and time I woke up in my journal, and I am currently back to reading - my minimum of 3 books - simultaneously.

I am reading Amrita of Eloquence, a biography of Khenpo Kathar Rinpoche; In the Land of No Right Angles. by Daphne Beal; and The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet by Reif Larsen. I am enjoying them all. They are each wonderful reads.

The bio of Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche is very moving. It is a simple book, with little stories of Rinpoche's life, but so revealing of his compassionate spirit. I have not had the priviledge of reading a biography of a great master, that I actually know, have met, and have had teachings from. He is gentle, patient, loving.

In the Land of No Rght Angles is about a woman's last days in Nepal. She meets a young Nepalese woman as a result of a favor for a western man she knows in Kathmandu. This woman challenges her and forces her to question her assumptions about herself , others, and her future.

The Selected Works of T.S. Spivet is about a young cartographer, about 12 years old at the start of the book. His mother is a Ph.D, his father a cowboy in modern day Wyoming. He gets invited to the Smithsonian, as a result of an illustration of the Bombardier Beetle that he submitted and had forgotten about. It's a terrific read, epic in many ways, with sidebar illustrations and notes, and destined to become a classic. Just terrific!

What else? Well, I've been working my ass off. What else is new. I'm so grateful to actually love my job. If I had to work this hard and hated what I was doing, I think I would just drop out of mainstream life. Actually, that's something I can't wait to do when it is my time to retire. Another 10 years? If I'm lucky!

Next up, still missing family in a big way. Here are some new photos of the littlest in our family:

Conner will be 2 in August, and Kayla is 5 months on Tuesday. She looks much older. She is very physically adept at her young age and was so from the beginning. The other family news is that my nephew was released from prison the other day. Halleluah! with apprehension. He didn't belong in jail, though he did break the law and was not there by accident. He belongs in court mandated rehab, ergo, the apprehension. He did not get help while in jail, so as far as I'm concerned, nothing in his life has changed except it will now be harder for him to enter the world of mainstream society. I worried while he was in jail, I worry more now that he is home.

Recently had a very nice visit from my good friend, josh. We hadn't seen each other in 6 months, and she came to Jax for a family event. I think she was here all of 48 hours, but we got to see each 3 times. I also got to spend some time with her family, most of whom I know and enjoy the company of.

There's more I could write, but it will have to be at another time. Real life calls.

Missing the family

2009-03-05T07:22:00.003-05:00

My trip to NY last month to visit my sister was really wonderful. I've been home now for 3 weeks and it lingers in my heart and mind. I can honestly say this is the first visit to NY that has stayed this long and has been filled with this much sadness about not living closer to her and my family. I miss her and my nephews and niece terribly. It's gotten worse since I went, and I want to go back soon. It had been 15 months since I saw Brenda,and that's way too long. I saw my nephew, neice and 2 grand nephews more recently in the past year because they all travelled to FL. Bren will come and visit later this year, and I hope to travel to NY again within the next 12 months. Until then, I have photos!

Zak, Conner and Kayla

Zachary, age 6

Zachary and Conner

Conner, 18 months

Kayla Rose at 6 weeks

2009-03-04T17:13:00.004-05:00

no is a BIG word

Holiday Week

2008-11-24T06:56:00.002-05:00

Thanksgiving week. Am I grateful? You betcha!

But I'm scared too. I know just enough about economics to understand what dire straits the world and the USA are in right now. I know just enough to know that this isn't going to change overnight, regardless of who the President is. I know just enough to know that this will not turn around on January 20th, but will take 3 - 7 years before there is real relief. And sadly, I know just enough to know that I am on the wrong side of the equation to not be in trouble along with millions of other Americans. That said, I'm still grateful, for many things.

I can't believe how quickly this year has gone by. Late November already. It will soon be 2009. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. Except Sunday's. On Sunday's I try not to take any steps. I sometimes succeed.

The weather here in Jax has been chilly by northern standards, very cold by Florida standards. It's nice during the day, freezing in the house at night. We are trying to keep the electric bill down, so we've been layering in the house and using blankets in the den to keep warm. Two days ago I dragged out a big blanket that a little cub keeps here and me and the dogs have been taking shelter of it.

Wednesday afternoon F and I will make our way to south Florida to spend the holidays with my family. I'm looking forward to it, but also looking forward to it being over. The rest of the holidays will be stress free. We have no $$, and we won't be doing gifts this year. We are in the majority on this one, I think. I feel no stress to spend. I feel no stress about not being able to give to friends and family. Something changes as you age. So many things fall away. And it's so ok when they do.

I will end with this last thought that I read in an email this week, "We have no time for impatience."

His Holiness the Dalai Lama Congratulates US President-elect Barack Obama

2008-11-19T17:52:00.003-05:00

His Holiness the Dalai Lama Congratulates
US President-elect Barack Obama

Barack Obama last met His Holiness the Dalai Lama in 2005 at a Senate Foreign Relations Committee event (Photo: barackobama.com)

November 5, 2008

H. E. Barack Obama
President-elect of the United States of America
Washington, DC U.S.A.

Dear President-elect Obama,

Congratulations on your election as the President of the United States of America.

I am encouraged that the American people have chosen a President who reflects America's diversity and her fundamental ideal that any person can rise up to the highest office in the land. This is a proud moment for America and one that will be celebrated by many peoples around the world.

The American Presidential elections are always a great source of encouragement to people throughout the world who believe in democracy, freedom and equality of opportunities.

May I also commend the determination and moral courage that you have demonstrated throughout the long campaign, as well as the kind heart and steady hand that you often showed when challenged. I recall our own telephone conversation this spring and these same essential qualities came through in your concern for the situation in Tibet.

As the President of the United States, you will certainly have great and difficult tasks before you, but also many opportunities to create change in the lives of those millions who continue to struggle for basic human needs. You must also remember and work for these people, wherever they may be.

With my prayers and good wishes,

Yours sincerely,

THE DALAI LAMA

The First Baseman

2008-11-18T15:54:00.004-05:00

I use to be a writer. Years ago, when I was in the fourth grade, I wrote my first short story. It was my first attempt at creative writing and it was a class assignment. I called the story "The First Baseman," and yes, it was about my one true love at the time, baseball. I don't remember much about the story and I have no copy of it. But I do remember how lost I was in the process of writing the story and what a satisfying experience it was. I also remember that on the basis of that story, I was put into a high level English class. In the fourth grade we sat in the same seat, with the same teacher and classmates, day in and day out for the whole school year. Post story, I was leaving 3 days a week to sit it on an advanced English class. I had never been singled out in such a way up to that point in my life.

During my high school years I continued to spend time writing short stories and very bad poetry for my own pleasure. By that time I was in an all-girls Catholic school in the Bronx, and we were all knee deep in the 60's experience. I still have the notebook that I kept much of that personal writing in. The few times I 've picked it up to read what I had written 40 years ago (how the hell did that happen?) I cringed and put it down quickly.

During those years I wrote freely and without self-consciousness. As a matter of fact, it was one of the very few things I was NOT self-conscious about. Adolescence was a painful, torturous time for me, and I retreated to my writing as the only haven available. I didn't want to "be" a writer back then. I was a writer. Defining a writer as someone who writes, without regard to the quality or commercial value of it, I was very much a writer and worked at it almost daily.

As I got older I relied less and less on writing as an emotional and psychic outlet and engaged instead in rehab, verbal communication with others and, to put it bluntly, acting out. I lost my inner voice for writing. Every once in a while I'd get a desire to write again, but while I think about writing I can't think of what to write.

Could it be that after having lived for more than half a century that I have less to say than I did when I was 10 or 16 years old? Or is it that I have nothing to say at all regardless of how long I have lived? Perhaps I am just really self-conscious about it now. Maybe I've let go of all the modesty and uptightness I had in my youth in all areas and moved it to the expression of my inner voice. I wrote a series of essays on gay history in the late eighties that was published in some local gay and lesbian newspapers in NYC, but beyond that I have only written in my journal and this blog, and I consider neither real writing. This, to me, is journaling. Journaling has its value, but it is a behind the scenes precursor to writing, making art, or just finding balance in my life. It is not a final product.

I'm stuck. I want to write again, and I don't. I don't even know where to begin. Rather than sit with this, as I usually do, I am writing it and putting it out there. Not to get feedback or advice. Just to get it out of me. So, if all I write about is not writing, well, at least I've written something.

a Nano world

2008-11-14T13:54:00.003-05:00

My friend josh came to Jax and visited this past weekend. We had a lot of fun hanging out. We went to the Ballet, ate Indian food at the very good "Cilantro" restaurant, dined at our favorite Italian restaurant, Vito's, gabbed a lot, and in general enjoyed our time together. It was my birthday weekend and josh was a generous friend. She gave me several gifts which I enjoyed very much (a restaurant card, a book store card, dinner out for F and I, and a wonderful Obama t-shirt! Lovely. My parents were generous, giving me cash, as did Lori.

I got a Nano iPod and I love it. I have not really been so much into music lately. Partly because I haven't really had a means of listening to it. I listen to music when I am in my studio. I'm not usually in my car long enough to do more than catch a bit of NPR. I listen to NPR when I can at work. Since I've had the iPod I have listened to music everyday. I've learned to download free mp3 files on line, I opened an itunes acct and have actually bought music downloads! I don't feel like such an old fart now.

Coincidently, while at the Ballet, it was the Florida Ballet Company's 30th Anniversary Show, both josh and I (as well as F and probably many others there) were introduced to the music of Rufus Wainwright. Curtis Williams, a gifted dancer/choreographer, choreographed a piece for 4 dancers with 4 tunes written and performed by Rufus on his "Release the Stars" album. The first song, "Going to a Town" really grabbed me. It's hard to explain, but while watching the dance I was really listening to the song. The music wasn't secondary. I was hearing the lyrics. I was both enjoying it, paying attention to it, wondering who it was, hoping to hear more, all while watching this interesting dance.

The four of us, Lori, F, josh, and I, all talked about it on the way home. The following day, josh decided she needed to buy some Rufus albums. She got four of them, all of which wound up on my iPod in very short order. I can honestly say that I haven't been as struck by a singer/songwriter in a long time. I'm really enjoying listening to his music. Here's a sample of "Going to a Town" by Rufus Wainwright. Enjoy!

The Morning After

2008-11-05T07:54:00.013-05:00

I was jittery all day yesterday about the election. I was afraid to be too hopeful. Over the last 3 days F had been asking over and over again, who do you think will win. All I could say was that I hoped Obama would win. I hoped the polls were true. I hoped it wasn't going to be a cruel joke at the end of all this. I hoped we weren't going to have more of the same. I stopped short of stating that I thought Obama would win. Not because I didn't want to be wrong, or jinx Obama, but because I couldn't trust that the media was telling the truth and not just making a story. I couldn't trust that white folks of my age and older would see beyond race and vote for the man with the better plan for America's future. I couldn't trust that the election wouldn't be stolen by the same demons that stole the last two elections.

I came home from work and prepared dinner, did my night time chores, and settled F in after work. We began watching CNN just as the first of the polls were closing. The early returns were frightening. Obama was not getting the first good returns. As the evening wore on, and quite rapidly as each time of poll closings occurred, Obama's momentum built stronger and stronger. I don't remember what time he was actually projected to be the winner by CNN, but it was before my usual bedtime. And still, I didn't trust it.

I went to bed and turned the TV on. I watched as John McCain made his concession speech. He was gracious and generous and open about his willingness to continue his bi-partisan cooperation. That's when I allowed that maybe I could trust the result.

By the time Obama came on to greet the crowd and make his first speech as President-elect, I knew and trusted that he won the election. Obama has a clear mandate across this nation. This is something no one in the White House has had for quite a long time. Bill Clinton didn't have a mandate, as popular as he was, he never got 50% of the popular vote.

More important than Obama's mandate is the excitement he has generated across the generations to do more, to be better citizens. There is no more invisibility for Generations X and Y, the groups of people that followed the boomer generation; the groups that lived in the shadow of the largest generation ever, in the world, not just in America. The groups that have certainly gotten my attention by how they have changed how they believe and, more importantly, how they behave across racial, gender, and sexual orientation lines.

I have said several times in the past, and still believe of my generation, the boomer generation, that never before in the history of the world has a generation aspired to do so much and accomplished so little. So maybe, the only accomplishment of my generation was to raise a generation that can and will accomplish what my generation was only able to dream.

The other day I heard Andrew Young say that Barak Obama did not have the scars he himself had. That really struck me. I really understood that. Barak Obama did not grow up in Jim Crow America. He grew up in a multi-racial family, part of both races, influenced by both races, a product of both races. He has often said that his white grandparents poured everything they had into him. That's a very different experience than having a relationship with white people that is filled only with obstacles and closed doors.

The same is true for the two younger generations in America today. They don't have the scars my generation have. They don't have the experience of hoping, dreaming, and having leaders who can make the dreams reality, one after the other, shot down, murdered, eliminated. They don't have the experience of being afraid to hope -- afraid to believe in leaders -- afraid their adulation will make their heroes a target. I'm so glad they don't have that. I'm so glad for them that they are free to believe, without reservation or cynacism. I need them to keep going, regardless of what happens. I need them to do what we could not. The country needs them to do what we could not.

Last night as I watched and listened to President-elect Barak Obama's speech I sat awed with tears flowing. I heard what he stood for, what he believed we needed, what he aspired to accomplish, and who he hoped would get on board with him. I was struck by the fact that through most of this campaign I missed it. I missed what they all saw in him. I was stuck in Hillary Clinton. I was stuck in something I trusted, rather than something that felt too scary to me. I started to get it a few weeks ago. I did come around. I did vote for Obama, not against McCain. I'm glad to be on board, too. I'm still afraid. I'm afraid for him. I'm afraid for his life. I'm afraid for Clio, and her generation, that they will have their dreams shattered in an awful way.

So, while this was an election, a political event, it is also a very personal event. It is a new day. A brighter outlook for this country and for the world. Though he rarely spoke ot it, I see the road Obama is walking as a road toward peace.

2008-11-02T16:08:00.002-05:00

3X Caspar

2008-10-31T16:53:00.005-04:00

Yes, that's me. I'm being a ghost for Halloween. A simple costume, just an old sheet. But as everyone knows, ghosts are invisible, unless you wear clothing. So I wore jeans and my Tilly hat so people wouldn't walk through me. I was the only ghost.

We had the principal cast of the Wizard of Oz (all upper management, with the CEO as the Wizard). We had a whole school of rainbow fish who smam through the room in a group dropping silver scales as they went by. There were m&m's of all colors, a nun in a traditional habit, hippies, animals, witches, oh my! Some very creative stuff.

A co-workers 3 year old daughter was frightened of me and wouldn't come near. She was a yellow m&m. Very cute. Her mother told her I was Casper but she wasn't buying it. She steered clear of me the whole party. And, yes, I had fun!!!

2008-10-31T10:41:00.002-04:00

"The best things in life aren't things." ~Art Buchwald

"The artist brings something into the world that didn't exist before, and he does it without destroying something else. A kind of refutation of the conservation of matter." ~John Updike

H A L L O W E E N

2008-10-31T08:05:00.003-04:00

Oy! I hate hoopla! I don't mind observing it. I even enjoy that aspect. It's participating in it that really puts me outside my comfort zone.

I bring it up because at work we have had a weeklong celebration of our United Way campaign. Being Halloween week, everyday was dedicated to a different theme. The first day each dept color coordinated their outfits. Then we had favorite team day - and everyone wore their favorite team colors or shirts. We had western wear day, and yesterday we had some very hysterical "tacky tourist" outfits. I did not dress for any of it. Happily so. But I did enjoy the creativity of my co-workers.

Today we will wrap up our United Way campaign with an afternoon halloween party and costume contest. I am going to bring a big sheet with me to wear as a costume because I don't want to be the only one in the room to not be wearing a costume. Talk about standing out. I'm sure I won't be the only ghost but I'll be the biggest ghost.

Meditation in the Park

2008-10-28T09:20:00.005-04:00

Our Sangha held its' second annual Meditation-A-thon in the park this past weekend. Saturday was a damp day, never really drying out. Sunday was a picture perfect day of sun and cool air. Here are some photos from the weekend.

Buddha in the park. Our shrine and meditation area. Lama Khandro and Director Michael Turnquist taught Meditation several times throughout the weekend. We opened each morning chanting Chenrezig and Amitabha sadhanas.

Lama Khandro in the park with our prayers for peace flags. We had Tibetan prayer flags strung on the fences and between trees in the park. Lama Khandro had prepared little paper flags and brought colored pens so people could make their own prayer flags for peace. We then hung them on the fencing around the duck pond.

The ducks and geese in the park added to the ambience of the Meditation-A-Thon. Despite the wet and chilly weather, those of us who participated had a very enjoyable day. People new to meditation stopped by and took class, others had seen the ads for the event and sought us out.

Curious passersby took the time to stop and chat. Sangha members Kim and Cathy gave generously of their time and fed us all well. We had a wonderful banquet of Vietnamese vegetarian delights, a wonderful vegetable curry made by sangha member Richard, and fresh cheeses, fruits, veggies, water, and brownies (!) provided by Cathy.

The ducks in the park added to the call for peace. They spent the day swimming from side to side, where ever the potential for food presented itself. A number of toddlers and pre-schoolers came to the park with parents to feed the ducks. It was a lovely event and was a wonderful opportunity for the sangha to spend time together.

Our Lama in the Florida Times-Union

2008-10-27T15:06:00.001-04:00

Last modified 10/26/2008 - 10:36 pm
Originally created 102708

Lama talks about her faith

Woman, 29, is the city's first Tibetan Buddhist lama.

By Jeff Brumley, The Times-Union

photo by Jeff Brumley/ The Times-Union
Lama Tsultrim Khandro is a spiritual leader of Karma Thegsum Choling Jacksonville, a Tibetan Buddhist center in Riverside. Khandro, seen here with her dog, Ohpea, is the city's first Tibetan Buddhist lama. She says one needn't be Buddhist, or even religious, to meditate.

When Tibetan Buddhist Michael Turnquist came to Jacksonville in 1984, there was just one Buddhist center in town. And that closed shortly after his arrival.

A lot has changed since then. Jacksonville is now home to at least a half-dozen Buddhist communities, including Zen and ethnic Vietnamese and Cambodian centers. The Tibetan Buddhist center Turnquist opened in 1986 reached a milestone this year with the arrival of its -and the city's - first resident Buddhist spiritual leader.

Lama Tsultrim Khandro, 29, who also is Turnquist's wife, returned six months ago after training for 31/2 years in a cloistered retreat. She led Karma Thegsum Choling Jacksonville's "Meditation for Peace" event during the weekend at Riverside Park.

The Times-Union spoke with her twice because the tape from the first interview was inaudible. Here's what she had to say the second time around.

(Jeff Brumley) Is it just me, or have we been here before?

(Lama Tsultrim Khandro) Reincarnation, brother. We have been here before.

(JB) What does "lama" mean?

(LTK) It means teacher.

(JB) What does it say about Jacksonville that it now has its first Tibetan Buddhist lama?

(LTK) It speaks to the maturity of the [Tibetan Buddhist] community here. The community has grown to where it needs it. We've had visiting lamas every year ... but it's good to have someone here full time for students.

(JB) So as a lama, you're essentially a pastor?

(LTK) I do all the pastoral stuff, I do all the ritual. I meet with students to talk about the concerns that they have ... I'm very much like a rabbi, but without the circumcision. [Laughs]

(JB) Is it your goal to grow the center?

(LTK) Ours is not a proselytizing faith. We are not looking for converts.

(JB) You were raised Catholic?

(LTK) Yes, I grew up Catholic. ... I was the first altar girl in the Diocese of St. Petersburg. I didn't know what I was doing but I was happy to be doing it.

(JB) What attracted you to Buddhism?

(LTK) It made sense to me. It was my karma to become a Buddhist. ... I looked into other spiritual traditions. None of them spoke to my heart like Buddhism did.

(JB) What do you think about all the references to Buddhism and reincarnation that we see in popular culture these days?

(LTK) It's a good thing. It's a bad thing. ... There are catch phrases I hear daily. I was at a concert and a girl was saying, "It's my karma that I got good tickets," and things like that. ... You can throw out phrases, but what do they mean? It's a good thing that it's out there, but even I have been guilty of purchasing the garden Buddhas in the big box stores.

(JB) Why is that a guilt thing?

(LTK) Well, these are items that we deeply honor and respect. These are images of the Buddha. This is not just a garden decoration. So for me to buy the image of the Buddha is completely different than ... perhaps somebody buying it to make their garden look pretty. It is an item of peace and tranquility, and they recognize that, so they purchase it. I think this is a great thing, but ... we believe in treating them with utmost honor and respect.

(JB) Are those statues and images worshiped?

(LTK) No. ... Most religions have symbols of their faith. You can simply take them as symbols of our faith, reminders of the Buddha who gave us the teachings of the Dharma, and as deeply sacred and touching images of our path.

jeff.brumley@jacksonville.com, (904) 359-4310

Basics

2008-10-16T15:36:00.004-04:00

F and I are in the pocess of having the main bathroom in the house redone. It has been without a sink for over 2 years. It has been on my "must do" list since the day it was taken apart. We finally have gotten some cash together to do it.

The handy man we hired (and like) took down the old tile, checked out the pipes (which are fine) is putting in new tile today, and a new medicine cabinet, and lighting. Tomorrow he will put in the vanity, hook up the water, and put the toilet back. Yesterday he changed the pipes under the kitchen sink (they were a moment away from disintegrating) and put in new door sills in the kitchen and our bedroom.

I am so pleased to get this stuff done!

A Foggy Morn

2008-10-16T09:54:00.000-04:00

I woke up to a thick fog this morning. By 9 AM when it was still with us I decided to photograph the creek again. The fog lifted about an hour later. The creek is so lovely and peaceful.

It's been a busy week. A busy week at work. So much to do including working all day Saturday at a Conference we are co-sponsoring at JU (my alma mater). The weather has been nice. Getting cooler each day. Still more humidity than I like, but at least the temps have gone below 90o.

I watched the debate last night. I caught all 3 of them. I thought Obama did well. I thought McCain dug a deeper hole for himself. I'm experiencing the same thing with McCain that I experienced with John Kerry. I respected both men so much more from afar.

I read both of McCain's books and was impressed with his life, how he responded to situations he found himself in, and the decisions he made to deal with them. The more I've seen him during this campaign, and the more familiar he becomes to me the less I like him. I think he's nasty. I sense the rage in him, that feels dangerous to me. It does not come off as passion, it comes off as poorly concealed rage.

I was disappointed in who John Kerry was because he had been a hero of mine since he led the Viet Nam Veterans Against the War movement in the 60's and 70's. Then he went into the congress and was a clear liberal. I held in my mind for 30 years that I would one day cast a vote for him for President. What I didn't realize is that he had become an elitist follower in those 30 years. I wound up feeling that he, as was my hero-worship of him, stuck in the past. I voted for him in the 2004 election, but there was no joy in it. I cast a vote against Bush, and would have voted for almost anyone other than Bush.

I've had the opposite experience of Obama. My initial reaction to him was distrust. I felt he was too young, too inexperienced to actualize his rhetoric. I like his ideas and the things he sees as needing change but I like Hillary's solutions better than his, especially regarding health insurance. But he is who we have and so I've been listening to him more closely, watching his reaction to attacks, watching his growth in debates. I'm liking him more and more. Partly it's because I am paying more attention to him. Partly it's because I'm getting over my disappointment and anger about Hillary's loss. I want to like him. I am not oblivious to the meaningfulness of how he has motivated and inspired a whole new generation. In a way it frightens me. I remember when my generation was inspired to action and creative solutions to problems. I also remember when that inspiration died, literally, over and over again, until we were defeated. I hope that in picking up that dropped torch that Ted Kennedy spoke about, Obama can go the distance with it. I want him to succeed. He is our best hope.

Reflection

2008-10-14T10:57:00.001-04:00

Little Pottsburg Creek This Morning

2008-10-13T07:25:00.003-04:00

"Capitalism: Nothing so mean could be right. Greed is the ugliest of the capital sins."

"There has got to be a God; the world could not have become so fucked up by chance alone."

~Edward Abbey

When Less is More

2008-09-30T09:31:00.005-04:00

I've often written about how the world seems to be spinning more rapidly than ever before. I've often talked with my peers and elders about this and we conclude that this experience, or perception, occurs as we age. The pace of domestic current events have compounded this feeling. The economic crisis, with its rapid up and down activity and hope and disappointment have amplified the world wind occurring outside my body.

It occurs closer to home than the world, or country around me. My job often feels like it moves at a pace I can no longer keep up with. My own physical limitations, which seem to grow with every year I chalk up, make me feel vulnerable to a degree I have never felt before. I have begun to lose the energy of my anger. An energy I relied on for decades to keep me powered out of depression.

Along with my physical strength and quick, sure reflexes, has gone my anger, confusion, and contempt for my place in the world. It amazes me how long I lived in that mindset, and how I used it to survive the challenges of my life. I still have challenges, but I deal with them differently. I don't come out fighting as an impulse like I used to. The delay in my reflexes has given me that nanosecond needed to think, and to be aware of my thinking. I am less than I once was, and yet more. I am a happier person and I think an easier person to be around. I am not better, but worse, as a functional being, yet better as a conscious being.

Seven Years

2008-09-11T07:30:00.003-04:00

It's get more surreal as the years go by.

Things have gotten so much worse since then. That day we feared the enemy outside. Today we fear the enemy within.

Hillary's Speech

2008-08-27T15:22:00.006-04:00

Below is the text of the speech made by Hillary Clinton last evening. The speech was inspiring, energizing, and powerfully delivered. I'm afraid we won't get to see this part of her again. Here it is, as posted from the DNC webpage:

Hillary Rodham Clinton

Tuesday, August 26, 2008 at 08:10 PM

Remarks as Prepared for Delivery

I am honored to be here tonight. A proud mother. A proud Democrat. A proud American. And a proud supporter of Barack Obama.

My friends, it is time to take back the country we love.

Whether you voted for me, or voted for Barack, the time is now to unite as a single party with a single purpose. We are on the same team, and none of us can sit on the sidelines.

This is a fight for the future. And it’s a fight we must win.

I haven’t spent the past 35 years in the trenches advocating for children, campaigning for universal health care, helping parents balance work and family, and fighting for women’s rights at home and around the world . . . to see another Republican in the White House squander the promise of our country and the hopes of our people.

And you haven’t worked so hard over the last 18 months, or endured the last eight years, to suffer through more failed leadership.

No way. No how. No McCain.

Barack Obama is my candidate. And he must be our President.

Tonight we need to remember what a Presidential election is really about. When the polls have closed, and the ads are finally off the air, it comes down to you -- the American people, your lives, and your children’s futures.

For me, it’s been a privilege to meet you in your homes, your workplaces, and your communities. Your stories reminded me everyday that America’s greatness is bound up in the lives of the American people -- your hard work, your devotion to duty, your love for your children, and your determination to keep going, often in the face of enormous obstacles.

You taught me so much, you made me laugh, and . . . you even made me cry. You allowed me to become part of your lives. And you became part of mine.

I will always remember the single mom who had adopted two kids with autism, didn’t have health insurance and discovered she had cancer. But she greeted me with her bald head painted with my name on it and asked me to fight for health care.

I will always remember the young man in a Marine Corps t-shirt who waited months for medical care and said to me: “Take care of my buddies; a lot of them are still over there….and then will you please help take care of me?”

I will always remember the boy who told me his mom worked for the minimum wage and that her employer had cut her hours. He said he just didn’t know what his family was going to do.

I will always be grateful to everyone from all fifty states, Puerto Rico and the territories, who joined our campaign on behalf of all those people left out and left behind by the Bush Administrtation.

To my supporters, my champions -- my sisterhood of the traveling pantsuits – from the bottom of my heart: Thank you.

You never gave in. You never gave up. And together we made history.

Along the way, America lost two great Democratic champions who would have been here with us tonight. One of our finest young leaders, Arkansas Democratic Party Chair, Bill Gwatney, who believed with all his heart that America and the South could be and should be Democratic from top to bottom.

And Congresswoman Stephanie Tubbs Jones, a dear friend to many of us, a loving mother and courageous leader who never gave up her quest to make America fairer and smarter, stronger and better. Steadfast in her beliefs, a fighter of uncommon grace, she was an inspiration to me and to us all.

Our heart goes out to Stephanie’s son, Mervyn, Jr, and Bill’s wife, Rebecca, who traveled to Denver to join us at our convention.

Bill and Stephanie knew that after eight years of George Bush, people are hurting at home, and our standing has eroded around the world. We have a lot of work ahead.

Jobs lost, houses gone, falling wages, rising prices. The Supreme Court in a right-wing headlock and our government in partisan gridlock. The biggest deficit in our nation’s history. Money borrowed from the Chinese to buy oil from the Saudis.

Putin and Georgia, Iraq and Iran.

I ran for President to renew the promise of America. To rebuild the middle class and sustain the American Dream, to provide the opportunity to work hard and have that work rewarded, to save for college, a home and retirement, to afford the gas and groceries and still have a little left over each month.

To promote a clean energy economy that will create millions of green collar jobs.

To create a health care system that is universal, high quality, and affordable so that parents no longer have to choose between care for themselves or their children or be stuck in dead end jobs simply to keep their insurance.

To create a world class education system and make college affordable again.

To fight for an America defined by deep and meaningful equality - from civil rights to labor rights, from women's rights to gay rights, from ending discrimination to promoting unionization to providing help for the most important job there is: caring for our families. To help every child live up to his or her God-given potential.

To make America once again a nation of immigrants and a nation of laws.

To bring fiscal sanity back to Washington and make our government an instrument of the public good, not of private plunder.

To restore America's standing in the world, to end the war in Iraq, bring our troops home and honor their service by caring for our veterans.

And to join with our allies to confront our shared challenges, from poverty and genocide to terrorism and global warming.

Most of all, I ran to stand up for all those who have been invisible to their government for eight long years.

Those are the reasons I ran for President. Those are the reasons I support Barack Obama. And those are the reasons you should too.

I want you to ask yourselves: Were you in this campaign just for me? Or were you in it for that young Marine and others like him? Were you in it for that mom struggling with cancer while raising her kids? Were you in it for that boy and his mom surviving on the minimum wage? Were you in it for all the people in this country who feel invisible?

We need leaders once again who can tap into that special blend of American confidence and optimism that has enabled generations before us to meet our toughest challenges. Leaders who can help us show ourselves and the world that with our ingenuity, creativity, and innovative spirit, there are no limits to what is possible in America.

This won’t be easy. Progress never is. But it will be impossible if we don’t fight to put a Democrat in the White House.

We need to elect Barack Obama because we need a President who understands that America can’t compete in a global economy by padding the pockets of energy speculators, while ignoring the workers whose jobs have been shipped overseas. We need a President who understands that we can’t solve the problems of global warming by giving windfall profits to the oil companies while ignoring opportunities to invest in new technologies that will build a green economy.

We need a President who understands that the genius of America has always depended on the strength and vitality of the middle class.

Barack Obama began his career fighting for workers displaced by the global economy. He built his campaign on a fundamental belief that change in this country must start from the ground up, not the top down. He knows government must be about “We the people” not “We the favored few.”

And when Barack Obama is in the White House, he’ll revitalize our economy, defend the working people of America, and meet the global challenges of our time. Democrats know how to do this. As I recall, President Clinton and the Democrats did it before. And President Obama and the Democrats will do it again.

He’ll transform our energy agenda by creating millions of green jobs and building a new, clean energy future. He’ll make sure that middle class families get the tax relief they deserve. And I can’t wait to watch Barack Obama sign a health care plan into law that covers every single American.

Barack Obama will end the war in Iraq responsibly and bring our troops home – a first step to repairing our alliances around the world.

And he will have with him a terrific partner in Michelle Obama. Anyone who saw Michelle’s speech last night knows she will be a great First Lady for America.

Americans are also fortunate that Joe Biden will be at Barack Obama’s side. He is a strong leader and a good man. He understands both the economic stresses here at home and the strategic challenges abroad. He is pragmatic, tough, and wise. And, of course, Joe will be supported by his wonderful wife, Jill.

They will be a great team for our country.

Now, John McCain is my colleague and my friend.

He has served our country with honor and courage.

But we don’t need four more years . . . of the last eight years.

More economic stagnation …and less affordable health care.

More high gas prices …and less alternative energy.

More jobs getting shipped overseas …and fewer jobs created here.

More skyrocketing debt ...home foreclosures …and mounting bills that are crushing our middle class families.

More war . . . less diplomacy.

More of a government where the privileged come first …and everyone else comes last.

John McCain says the economy is fundamentally sound. John McCain doesn’t think that 47 million people without health insurance is a crisis. John McCain wants to privatize Social Security. And in 2008, he still thinks it’s okay when women don’t earn equal pay for equal work.

With an agenda like that, it makes sense that George Bush and John McCain will be together next week in the Twin Cities. Because these days they’re awfully hard to tell apart.

America is still around after 232 years because we have risen to the challenge of every new time, changing to be faithful to our values of equal opportunity for all and the common good.

And I know what that can mean for every man, woman, and child in America. I’m a United States Senator because in 1848 a group of courageous women and a few brave men gathered in Seneca Falls, New York, many traveling for days and nights, to participate in the first convention on women’s rights in our history.

And so dawned a struggle for the right to vote that would last 72 years, handed down by mother to daughter to granddaughter – and a few sons and grandsons along the way.

These women and men looked into their daughters’ eyes, imagined a fairer and freer world, and found the strength to fight. To rally and picket. To endure ridicule and harassment. To brave violence and jail.

And after so many decades – 88 years ago on this very day – the 19th amendment guaranteeing women the right to vote would be forever enshrined in our Constitution.

My mother was born before women could vote. But in this election my daughter got to vote for her mother for President.

This is the story of America. Of women and men who defy the odds and never give up.

How do we give this country back to them?

By following the example of a brave New Yorker , a woman who risked her life to shepherd slaves along the Underground Railroad.

And on that path to freedom, Harriett Tubman had one piece of advice.

If you hear the dogs, keep going.

If you see the torches in the woods, keep going.

If they're shouting after you, keep going.

Don't ever stop. Keep going.

If you want a taste of freedom, keep going.

Even in the darkest of moments, ordinary Americans have found the faith to keep going.

I’ve seen it in you. I’ve seen it in our teachers and firefighters, nurses and police officers, small business owners and union workers, the men and women of our military – you always keep going.

We are Americans. We're not big on quitting.

But remember, before we can keep going, we have to get going by electing Barack Obama president.

We don't have a moment to lose or a vote to spare.

Nothing less than the fate of our nation and the future of our children hang in the balance.

I want you to think about your children and grandchildren come election day. And think about the choices your parents and grandparents made that had such a big impact on your life and on the life of our nation.

We've got to ensure that the choice we make in this election honors the sacrifices of all who came before us, and will fill the lives of our children with possibility and hope.

That is our duty, to build that bright future, and to teach our children that in America there is no chasm too deep, no barrier too great – and no ceiling too high – for all who work hard, never back down, always keep going, have faith in God, in our country, and in each other.

Thank you so much. God bless America and Godspeed to you all.

I Remember It Well

2008-08-26T13:51:00.001-04:00

38 years ago today I marched in my first "women's lib" march in NYC. The march was to commemorate the 50th anniversary of women's suffrage. I was 19. I marched alone with 50,000 women and men who all seemed to know one another. I felt alone. I didn't care. I made my stand. In 1970 it was a very radical thing to do.

Today is the 88th anniversary of women's suffrage and it's fitting that Hillary Clinton will be addressing the Democratic National Convention this evening as the only woman who has ever come close to being the Presidential nominee for a major political party in the U.S. It's also indicative of how much farther we have to go.

Hillary Clinton is by far the better candidate and lost the nomination by a small amount of votes. 18,000,000 Americans voted for Hillary to be the Democratic nominee. That should at least have earned her the Vice Presidential nomination.

Instead, Obama, that icon of courage and change, chose a white male who has been in the senate for 36 years. Obama won 2201 delegates, Clinton won 1896 delegates, Edwards won 6 delegates, and Joe Biden won 0 delgates. Yet Obama chose the antithesis of what he has been talking about for the past 18 months as the best possible running mate to catapult him to the Presidency.

Sounds like the same old shit to me.

Stop-Loss

2008-08-07T12:23:00.003-04:00

I watched a movie called Stop-Loss last night.

Stop-loss, in the United States military, is the involuntary extension of a service member's active duty service under the enlistment contract in order to retain them beyond their initial end of term of service (ETS) date. It also applies to the cessation of a permanent change of station (PCS) move for a member still in military service. Stop-loss was used immediately before and during the first Persian Gulf War. Since then, it has been used during American military deployments to Somalia, Haiti, Bosnia, Kosovo and during the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks and the subsequent military actions against Afghanistan and Iraq (see War on Terror).

The policy has been legally challenged several times, however federal courts have consistently found that military service members contractually agree that their term of service may be involuntarily extended. ~ Wikipedia

It is an excellent film and difficult to watch. I highly recommend it to anyone who can stomach the initial 20 minutes of the film, which contains action in Iraq by US troops. The film is dramatic, sad, frustrating, infuriating!

Stop-Loss is a back-door draft and its been used on (and against) 81,000 troops in the past 6 years of the IRAQ war. It is as immoral as the war itself.

from another messenger....

Dear Bishops,
One of my most hopeful moments of church came when the bishops of the United States were willing to wrestle with the questions of nuclear morality in a nuclear world. One of my most disappointing moments, on the other hand, came when you failed to say that deterrence that is aimed at the destruction of the globe is morally unacceptable, that a defense system that has already begun to erode the social fiber of our country with its lustful, gluttonous, profligate use of resources could possible be a sinless activity.

How can we possibly say that what is immoral to use is moral to design and develop and deploy? How can we possibly say that to abort a fetus is morally wrong but that the weapons intended only to abort the whole human race is not? How can we possibly make ourselves and our generation more worthy of the ultimate act of retaliation than at any other possible moment in history?

Isn’t the arrogance of those postures alone a sin against the Holy Spirit?

How is it that we can ask people to be prepared to die in nuclear warfare in the name of a “defense” that is destructive but refuse to ask them to be prepared to die in passive resistance in the name of the gospel? All that would happen to us if we faced a nuclear attack without weapons is that we would die, but isn’t that the very posture that we clearly espouse even now in the name of “defense”? And isn’t that precisely the kind of deterrence that we expect from the non-nuclear world even now?

The point is that we say nuclear weapons alone can be a deterrence to nuclear war. But surely there is a rational and Christian deterrence as well that would be equally effective.

It was a Christian state that designed the Holocaust, and Christian countries that waged the Inquisition, and Christian states that burned witches and napalmed Vietnamese villages and used the atomic bomb, not once but twice, for experimental purposes. Now, with all the planet and universal human morality and civilization itself at stake, in an age when errors cannot be forgiven, we are begging you, lead this Christian state to more than that.

The Rule of Benedict requires humility as the cornerstone of spirituality built in the patriarchal culture of imperial Rome. We need that same humility now from the church. Call the country to negotiations, to human respect, to faith and to humility in our dealing with both the little and the great ones of the world.

There is an ancient proverb that teaches, “Wherever there is excess in anything, something is lacking.” Finish the fine work you have begun and give the nation what it lacks, to its peril, in its excessive militarism—the challenge of peace.

– letter by Joan Chittister from Dear Bishops: Open Letters on the Morality of Nuclear Deterrence Addressed to the US Catholic Bishops, Pax Christi USA, 1989, 5th anniversary of US Roman Catholics pastoral, “The Challenge of Peace: God’s Promise and Our Response.”

The only thing that surprises me about the Bush-Cheney nightmare is that they have not, to date, opted to use the nuclear option. That surprises me as the other decisions they have made, world efforts for peace ignored, requests for disarmament they've rejected, violations of the Constitution they have perpetuated, and allies they have betrayed, would lead one to believe that their quest for world domination and exploitation for political and monetary gain would include nuclear terror. But the administration is not over yet.

My Favorite Paintings

2008-08-03T09:21:00.007-04:00

There are many artists who's work I look at regularly. There are artists who's development over the past 30 years has been closely followed by me. I find their work inspiring and intellectually, visually and emotionally satisfying in some way.

But if I had to answer the question, "What are my favorite paintings?" The answer would be only two. I have two favorite paintings. Only two.

My favorite artists are: Van Gogh, Murray, Schnabel, Motherwell, Clemente, deKooning, Rothenberg, Picasso, O'Keeffe, Marden, Hesse. There are others that I look in on, but none that I look at as frequently as I do these artists.

Robert Motherwell, Reconciliation Elegy, 1978

Vincent Van Gogh, Starry Night, 1888

2008-08-03T07:13:00.002-04:00

"This silence, this moment, every moment, if it's genuinely inside you,
brings what you need. There's nothing to believe. Only when I stopped believing in myself did I come into this beauty. Sit quietly, and listen for a voice that will say, 'Be more silent.' Die and be quiet. Quietness is the surest sign that you've died. Your old life was a frantic running from silence. Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking. Live in silence. "
~Rumi

For a faraway friend

2008-07-28T08:50:00.003-04:00

Just yesterday afternoon, in the midst of a lovely slug day, Ben, out of nowhere, said, "how is Uncle Josh?" F and I were shocked, not only by his ability to articulate such a thought, but that he did so while enjoying a nap at the foot of F's chair.

So, I decided that I would post this picture of Ben and his sibs taken on July 17, '08. By way of posting this photo, Ben, Yeshe, and Allie B. Old are saying hi to Uncle Josh.

Memories

2008-07-25T16:01:00.002-04:00

I've been experiencing a lot of memories lately, and I've thought a lot about what memories are and aren't.

What they are is spontaneous. I can't control or prevent them from arising. Probably the only way not to have memories is to have amnesia and I can't even imagine what that would be like. The only thing I can control is my emotional response to memories. There was a time when I couldn't do that. I would have memories of times and incidents that were emotionally painful or humiliating for me and I would be thrust right back into the pain and discomfort of that moment and situation. Not as intensely, not as despairingly. That has changed. Now I experience most memories without all the emotional baggage.

I don't even know if or when I wanted that to happen. I think by the time I knew that you could actually achieve that I was becoming aware that I was on my way. I don't know if it's aging, or if its meditation and contemplation. I just know that I have aged and I meditate and I contemplate and now it is different.

I remember when my relationship with L ended. Prior to being together I was almost crippled by fear. I was afraid of violence. I was afraid of being caught sleeping and off guard and losing my life in painful ways as a result. At one point in my life that was a realistic fear, but it hadn't been for many years, yet I still experienced aloneness as if it was still my reality. I didn't like to live alone because I feared the fear so much. I feared the sleepless nights, the nightmares and anxiety. The twelve years we were together I lived under the belief that if alone I would experience that again on a daily basis. Then we broke up.

When we parted ways I decided I really wanted to live alone. I was afraid, not of being killed or harmed. I was afraid the fear would be there again and that it would be all encompassing like it had been in the past. I moved into an apt. alone and it didn't happen. I wasn't afraid. I didn't have fear of being alone, of being harmed, of being caught off guard. I was comfortable alone. I felt safe and enjoyed the quiet and freedom that it brought me. I didn't know until I had tested it, until I had put myself in the position to confront it, that it had fallen away during the course of maturing. I had become the person I wanted to be and I hadn't known it until then.

And now I am moving into another area of realizing that who I thought I was has changed. I am experiencing it as a sense of loss. Loss is a weird thing. It makes me very aware. I am aware of the absence of something that I have been accustomed to being part of my psyche or my physical experience. Loss, for me, is awareness of absence, and it is often a relief and a liberating experience though it can also feel strange, scary, and sad. Loss is adjusting to the absence of something I have had to live with. Even if that thing was an obstacle, as they often are, I experience the absence of it as loss. But I know that it's ok, and actually I want to experience more. I want to lose more assumptions, obstacles, preconceived notions of my abilities and opportunities.

I would like my life to be stripped bare of all barriers that prevent me from reaching my full potential as a human being. And what would that look like? What would my life be like if I were living, thinking, functioning to my fullest? I don't even know. And isn't that the point? To imagine what it would look like would be to put some kind of parameters around it. To establish a high water mark, so to speak, for what "fullest" would look like. Maybe I am at this very moment living to my fullest capacity. But will that be true tomorrow? Or the next day?

Recent Sketches

2008-07-24T15:32:00.005-04:00

I often doodle faces. I like noses. I like eyes. I have trouble with lips. I have trouble with placing the features proportionally. I use the word doodle because I don't sketch through observation. I just doodle and I enjoy it.

I also enjoy doodling bowls. Bowls are interesting shapes and I like the utilitarian nature of them. Bowls, vases, cups, are my favorite kinds of pottery. They are vessels to be filled and help us fill ourselves. Bowls are some of the earliest artifacts archeologists have found from early human civilization. They are a tool that has not changed much over tens of thousands of years. I like simple bowls. They have a quiet dignity to them.

HOLY SMOKE!

2008-07-23T17:52:00.003-04:00

Frankye and I watched a very good movie the other day. It was called Holy Smoke and starred Kate Winslet and Harvey Keitel. The film is about a young woman who goes to India (from Australia) and falls under the spell of a guru. Her family becomes alarmed and hires the best de-programmer America has to offer. The heart of the film is about the time the de-programmer and the young woman spend together challenging one another's life and belief assumptions.

I thought it was a powerful film. F did not, though she felt it was enjoyable and beautifully photographed, which it is. I related very much to the film and as a result I have had an on-going stream of memories just bombarding my mind. I feel like I'm living in a meteor shower of memories from my late teens to my early 20s. The memories are not disturbing, though that period of my life was. It's as if the memories are just pieces, fragments, floating, detached, and I am finally making sense of it all. With that has come a sense loss. I feel a sense of loss about opportunities that I didn't even know I had. I didn't reject them. I didn't know they were there. And that "unawareness" makes me sad, because if there is one thing that I can say I would do over again it would be that. I don't know that I would have taken any of the oportunities. I would just like to have known they were there.

I'm a Blue Crayon

2008-07-17T16:29:00.001-04:00

I am a Blue Crayon

Your world is colored in calm, understated, deep colors.

You are a loyal person, and the truest friend anyone could hope to find.

On the inside, you tend to be emotional and even a bit moody.

However, you know that people depend on you. So you put on a strong front.

Your color wheel opposite is orange. Orange people may be opinionated, but you feel they lack the depth to truly understand what they're saying.

What Color Crayon Are You?

A visit from a Q

2008-07-15T16:52:00.004-04:00

I had a lovely sobriety anniversary day yesterday. Friends remembered and told me so. I had a busy work day but lots of energy and good feeling all day. It was a good day.

It was preceded by a good weekend. By the time I got home from work Friday night I didn't feel too well. I had a headache off and on since Wednesday afternoon. The Q was in town and we had lunch together at India Restaurant. She looks great, and Andrea looks great and it was a pleasure to see them. I went back to work after lunch and slowly the ongoing headache returned. F and I chilled out, spent the evening watching the first 4 episodes of "The L Word" on a netflix DVD, and then went to bed.

Saturday I dragged myself through a series of chores, including going to KTC for some bookkeeping work (I had a severe headache at that point and could not practice.) Afterwards I went home and napped. I could have slept for hours on end but didn't. Again, F and I had a quiet evening. By Saturday evening the sharpness of my headache had dulled. I went to bed and read until 1 then fell into a deep sleep.

Alice B. Old decided I didn't need to sleep past 5:45. So I got up and enjoyed the morning quiet and no headache. I read, watched the news, did some on-line surfing, had breakfast with the dogs, talked to josh on line and then went out and shopped for groceries.

At noon the Q came over for brunch. F made wonderful blueberry pancakes and scrambled eggs. We had a pot of my favorite New Mexico Pinon coffee and chatted and caught up. As usual, we laughed, reminisced, and ate too much. After a while we moved into the den and settled into lazy boy chairs. The Q and I napped and F farted around with the animals. At 3:30 we left to go to Bruster's for ice cream and then dropped the Q at Andrea's house. It was a really lovely day.

It was fun to be with the Q again. I miss the Q and josh. I miss our weekend get togethers, dinners at each others houses, hours spent giggling in Borders or Barnes & Noble. Having the noodles and teckles all together in one room. But life changes and it's not a bad thing. They certainly seem to be much happier in MD.

F and I enjoy our quiet evenings together and the routine of our lives. We've settled into a comfortable and companionable lifestyle. We want for little, have everything we need, and desire just enough material comforts with our meager means to prioritize and set goals. We both agree that excess money is worth saving for trips rather than acquisitions. Being in the mountains, away from the city, quiet, relaxed, and creative, is worth the wait. We look forward to a time when we can return to the desert in NM and spend time making art and exploring. We'd like to own an RV at retirement time and spend months at a time in places we love.

But that's the future. And having 2 of our closest friends in the same city is the past. And it's ok. Today life is good as it is. It's different, but it's good.

Bastille Day

2008-07-14T07:26:00.005-04:00

I'm not French. I know next to nothing about French history. Yet every year for the last 32 years I celebrate the now 219 year old French holiday, Bastille Day.

Bastille Day commemorates the storming of the French Prison, which not only held prisoners indicted by the crown for un-appealable offenses, but also was used as an armory. The holiday commemorates what the French believe was the start of the modern French Republic. Kind of like our Boston Tea Party.

Bastille Day coincides with my own day of liberation from the prison of addiction. Thirty-two years ago today I decided I needed to stop drinking. I was a daily drunk at that point. Not working. Unable to work, because of my drinking. Living once again in the nightmare of round the clock intoxication and unmanageability. I had been there before and I knew the scenery well. I never slept the night of the 13th. I drank and drank and drank all day and night and couldn't get drunk enough to forget that what I was doing was futile and that if I kept doing it I was going to relive my past and probably not survive it this time.

I couldn't sleep. I just sat in the home of my most recent drinking buddies, until it was a reasonable time (9 AM) and I could call my friend Betty. Betty was the mother of a friend of mine. Her son Vito and I had been through drug rehab together and Betty and I had also become friends. There was an Italian connection there. Betty was a sober alcoholic. She had been sober about 5 years at the time.

I called Betty and went to her house and told her I needed to get sober. I stayed with her for the first 3 days of my sobriety. I basically detoxed in her home.

Betty took me to my first AA meeting. She told me I never had to have a first day again. She talked to me for hours on end while I couldn't sleep. She refrained from laughing at me when I read the 12 steps and said arrogantly, "I've done all these." She invited her sober friends to her house and we had an AA meeting sitting around her kitchen table. She fed me. Gave me a bed to sleep in, and kept bringing me to meetings. Thanks Betty! If not for you, I'm not so sure I would have been able to get sober 32 years ago. She always told me to just pass it on.

Thirty-two years is a long time to not do something. Because of Betty, the people she introduced me to, and the things I heard in AA meeting rooms ("the rooms"), I know that just because I haven't had a drink in 32 years doesn't mean that I am not an alcoholic anymore. It just means I don't live like an active alcoholic anymore.

It was only last week when the thought of sitting and drinking some wine crossed my mind. It was a month ago, prompted by something I read, that I wondered what it would be like to do LSD now, knowing what I know, and being of sounder mind than I was 40 years ago when I first start doing acid. The thoughts still arise to drink, to smoke pot, to taste heroin or utilize meth to pump up my energy level. They arise and they get batted away almost involuntarily like swatting a mosquito biting my arm or a fly buzzing about my head.

But the thoughts still arise. They always will. A cold beer on a hot day, or at the ballgame, will always be appealing. Because of that I remain diligent in my adherence to practices I learned in early sobriety. No eating food cooked with alcohol. No using mouth wash with alcohol, or tooth paste with alcohol, or other ingestible products made with alcohol. I do no recreational anesthetizing, no matter how good the thought of that may be at times. No erosion of the practices I established to get sober. That has been my commitment.

So today I celebrate another 365 24-hour periods of continuous sobriety. I celebrate silently all day long. I pat myself on the back for a job well done, again, this day, the only day that I have to make my continued sobriety a reality. I'll feel good about it all damn day.

It's Fryday!

2008-07-11T16:13:00.001-04:00

I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
No, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
Well, I wake in the morning,
Fold my hands and pray for rain.
I got a head full of ideas
That are drivin' me insane.
It's a shame the way she makes me scrub the floor.
I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.

I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more.
No, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more.
Well, he hands you a nickel,
He hands you a dime,
He asks you with a grin
If you're havin' a good time,
Then he fines you every time you slam the door.
I ain't gonna work for Maggie's brother no more.

I ain't gonna work for Maggie's pa no more.
No, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's pa no more.
Well, he puts his cigar
Out in your face just for kicks.
His bedroom window
It is made out of bricks.
The National Guard stands around his door.
Ah, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's pa no more.

I ain't gonna work for Maggie's ma no more.
No, I ain't gonna work for Maggie's ma no more.
Well, she talks to all the servants
About man and God and law.
Everybody says
She's the brains behind pa.
She's sixty-eight, but she says she's twenty-four.
I ain't gonna work for Maggie's ma no more.

I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
No, I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.
Well, I try my best
To be just like I am,
But everybody wants you
To be just like them.
They sing while you slave and I just get bored.
I ain't gonna work on Maggie's farm no more.

------------------------------
Maggie's Farm, music & lyrics by Bob Dylan

Hope is in the Details

2008-07-08T21:22:00.004-04:00

Barack at Risk is an interesting commentary by Tom Hayden in this week's The Nation.

It Was Oil, All Along by Bill Moyers and Michael Winship.

2008-07-07T08:17:00.002-04:00

I had a strange but very nice 3 day weekend. It was strange because I was clearly still in vacation mode. My brain was just not engaged with what my body needed to be doing. I misplaced my wallet, my cell phone, my eye glasses, my book, my mala beads. So many things.

Fryday I was a total slug. I don’t think I left the house at all. I was like a lump on the couch, a small part of my mind scanning the web, a smaller part listening to the TV, the largest part completely spaced out. I had a wonderful nap as well. I probably could have had 2 or 3 naps, but didn't.

Saturday I got up early and went to sangha. Afterwards, I went to pick up JuJu, but while on the phone with Lori, drove way past the turn and wound up down by NAS Jax. After the u-turn, I stopped to see Taylor, as I was driving past Caffeino anyway. I got a mango smoothie that was so cold it made my forehead and the base of my skull hurt! But it was delicious. It kept me conscious enough to drive safely to pick up Julian.

I successfully picked up Julian and we went to The Loop for lunch. At that time I had no idea where my wallet was and I had a mere $17 for us both to have lunch. I had a bowl of tomato bisque soup and Ju had....., whatever he had. It came to $16 something because I had coins left over. After lunch we went home. Ju hung out with F in the den and I went to bed for a nap. I slept 3 hours. When I got up Ju and I watched the end of the NYY/BOS game. Yankees won!!!! Then I made dinner. We all chatted and ate and at about 8 pm we went to Bruester’s for an ice cream cone and then took Julian home. What an exciting day!

Yesterday I was a little more functional, physically. Still not too connected. At noon I went to visit my cousin and Aunt and Uncle who were in Jax visiting other family. I love them all and rarely get to see them. My cousins' daughter is almost 6 (!) and just the most adorable little girl. Around 3 pm I came back and picked up F. We went to Borders for a short while, as we hadn’t been in quite a while.

Afterwards we were scheduled to meet Shannon, Lori and Dwight at Vito's. We were in Borders and I had no idea what time it was. My watch has a dead battery and I could not find my cell phone. Finally, F received a call from Lori telling us that Vito's was closed, as were most of the restaurants in the area due to electrical outages. By then it was storming, with rain and lots of lightening. We decided to see if there was a Japanese restaurant open near Bay Meadows and Southside, and actually found an Italian Restaurant called Guiliana's open. We made calls to all parties concerned and met there for dinner It was a nice restaurant, comfortable and the food was very good. We all enjoyed it.

F had brought with us gifts for Shannon's birthday, which was on the 28th, and (I thought) I had a gift for Lori and Dwight, thanking them for house sitting. Of course, I had forgotten it. I had laid it on my backpack (so I wouldn't forget it) before we left the house, but had absently moved it so I could get my backpack. DUH!!

Ok, I'm tired of this now. Time to get back to function mode. I have to work, and function, and not make mindless mistakes. No more pretending that I can just go away internally as well as physically. I need to pay attention. But it's so hard. I'm so relaxed. I'm so relaxed that for the first days after vacation started my neck hurt. My shoulders had lowered about 4 -5 inches and the stretching of my neck muscles was painful. F said I look stoned and have a far off look in my eyes. I just feel relaxed.

Later

Okey, dokey. Apparently I saved this post this morning but never published it. So the malaise continues. It's going to be a long day!!

The Cost of Living

2008-07-05T08:23:00.003-04:00

Things are getting tight. Money tight. Not just for us, but for everyone. I see it everywhere. The last few times I was at Publix I noticed prices were higher, and lines at checkout were shorter. While we were in NC prices were outrageous. But when we came home we found that prices here in Jacksonville had also increased.

The other day I bought 5.8 gallons of gas for $24.99. That will get me about 120 miles. Glad I don't have my old job anymore where I traveled around to the counties, some days traveling well over 100 miles. There is no way I could afford doing that today.

I sound like an old fart, I know. Talking about rising prices. F and I sit and watch TV and are amazed when people use the word fart on television, or commercials that target men with "weak streams" and erectile dysfunction. We hear ourselves talking about how no one values anything any more, how we live in a disposable society and how wrong that is. Just 2 old farts, not adjusting to change.

Every generation has moved into that behavior as they approached 60, 70, 80 years old. The world changes faster than we can adjust to it. I know I have gotten to the point where computers are the outer limits of my technological expertise. I wouldn't know what to do with an iPod or any of the new kind of cell phones. I don't have a camera on my cell phone. That's not what phones are for. At least not for me.

Speaking of change, I had an epiphany while on vacation. F and I were driving and passed a big truck on the road. I was in the passenger seat and as I turned to look at the truck we were passing I noticed pig snouts sticking out between the slats of the truck. Many, many pig snouts. They were jammed in there like the Jews put in cattle cars to Auschwitz. That is the image that came into my mind. I realized that they were being sent to slaughter in the same way the Jews were, and that it was also horrific, even though they were animals and not humans.

It hit me like a brick that I am a participant in that brutality regardless of how removed I am from the process. I can stare at "meat products" wrapped in cellophane on a shelf in the supermarket and not feel any more connection to the process than I do to the process of growing a tomato when I buy those. But I am connected to the process of both of those products merely by consuming them.

I felt sick from the sight of the pigs and decided that I would commit to vegetarianism. This is something I have thought about for quite awhile. For years in fact. I have never felt ok about eating meat again, but I have done it with gusto at times. Each time, discarding the thoughts of how wrong it is. Last December, H.H. Karmapa came out with a statement on meat eating, promoting vegetarianism and encouraging practitioners to stop eating meat. It has been on my mind daily since I read his comments about it. I am now ready to commit to it.

Being vegetarian is something I did for 10 years. I liked it and didn't have a hard time with it. It takes more work preparing foods and more thought to make sure meals are balanced and that there is enough protein. When I lived in NY it was easier in many ways because fresh made tofu was so readily available. I have not been able to find 1 single vendor here who sells fresh tofu. That is the best source of protein for vegetarians, and for me, since I can't eat rice too much. But I will focus on it and do everything I can to be make this transition successful.

Independence

2008-07-03T16:24:00.007-04:00

I love national holidays. They don't exclude anyone living in America. Everyone who is on American soil on a national holiday can participate. There is no exclusion based on religion, creed, race or nationality. Independence day is a particularly good holiday to me. There are no expectations for it. It's a day off. It's a day we usually spend at home. No expectations. No stress to be happy or festive or celebratory. A day to do whatever the hell we please to do. And I am happy to do just that.

I returned to work after a 12 day vacation. When I have a good vacation I am always happy to come back to my job. I love my job, enjoy my co-workers, and feel like what I do adds depth and meaning to my life. So, while I can't wait to be retired, as long as I "have" to work, I am so grateful to be doing that here. Two days of work this week and now a 3 day weekend. Life is grand!

Moving On (again)

2008-06-28T07:27:00.005-04:00

Today is our last day at the cottage. It's been a lovely week. Yesterday we decided to have another in day and did not venture out in the car at all. I enjoyed the in days as much as I enjoyed the days we went out and did things. I'm happy that F and I both recognized the need to do that and didn't push ourselves to do things just "because."

While inside I watched TV, wrote in my journal, read more of 13 Moons (loving it) took a nap, packed some stuff and loaded it in the car, spent several hours on the porch with F reading aloud, reading quietly, watching birds and listening to thunder echoing throughout the mountains. It was lovely time spent together.

Afterwards, I made us a dinner of fresh sliced tomato salad and blueberry pancakes made with rice flour. MMMMM. Delicious! F and I have shared the cooking and cleaning during the week. No one of us was burdened with the chores of daily living. It's been a very nice balance.

We have mostly stayed away from the news on TV. I have no interest in the presidential campaign at this point. I will not be watching every speech and every sound bite for the next 5 months. I will tune in again about 2 weeks before election day and make a decision then. I just don't want to deal with all the spin in the media. Here's a photo of F expressing her feelings. She's not an enthusiastic Obama supporter, but she is enthusiastically against McCain

Today we will make our way down to Greenville, SC. We will visit the sight of Todd's death. Frankye wants to mark the site with a stone. Then we will go to the cemetary and see his headstone for the first time. We'll be staying at a motel, coincidentally the same one we stayed in when we were in Greenville for Todd's funeral. This will be the hard part of the trip for F. That and having lunch with her daughter-in-law and her new husband. F was just told that Todd's youngest son, Jake, who is serving in the Air Force, and was in boot camp when his father died on his birthday, just received orders to go to Iraq. His company will be deploying this September. We knew this was inevitable but dreaded it.

That's all the news fit to print today.

v a c a t i o n

2008-06-27T06:22:00.011-04:00

This has been one of the more restful and rich vacations F and I have ever been on. Our stay here in Weaverville has been quiet and slow paced. We spent two days (Sunday and Tuesday) just hanging around the house napping, watching tv, reading, napping again. We didn't turn on the computer until Wednesday evening.

We've sat out on the porch like two old farts, eating berries, reading aloud teachings from the Heart Advice of the Karmapa. The teachings are clear and concise and it is apparent His Holiness has strong feelings and opinions about living dharma in the modern world.

Wednesday we went to Cherokee. We had originally intended to gamble, but once there preferred to spend our time at the Museum of the Cherokee Indian. It's a wonderful museum tracing the Cherokee on this continent from 11,000 B.C.E. to just after their removal from native lands via the trail of tears. It's very well done with dioramas, films, voice over exhibits and authentic costumes, tools and weapons. As we entered the museum we were greeted by an elderly Cherokee native who struck up a conversation with F (of course). Turns out he is the Cherokee on the brochures and is a member of the Wolf Clan of Cherokees. Unsolicited, he autographed a museum brochure with his photo on the cover and gave it to F.

Yesterday we spent a rainy day in downtown Asheville. We browsed a used bookstore, had cappuccino and a bagel at Izzy's coffee house, and spent a little more time at Malaprop's, where we had another cup of coffee and chatted. I bought 3 books, 2 by a local mystery writer named Sallie Bissell, and Thirteen Moons by Charles Frazier. We decided to take the scenic route back to Weaverville and came across a lovely park along French Broad River. It had stopped raining by then and we walked down to the river to explore a little. There were a number of families in the park, wading in the river, picnicking, and fishing. An older man with 2 generations with him came over and chatted with us for a short while. He's a native of the area and talked about how much cleaner the river is now than it was 25 years ago. Unfortunately, this is a typical story in America. We have trashed this continent and it's really a shame, because it is so beautiful. We took several photos of the river, each other and a close-up of us. F picked berries from a tree and enjoyed them. We made our way back to the cottage and sat on the porch watching the hummingbirds and finches feed. Another lovely day.

Lenoir

2008-06-21T10:12:00.002-04:00

I slept very well last night. Probably the best sleep I've had in over a week. I woke at 5:30 and quietly rattled around a bit. I made myself a cup of coffee and went on line. We have high speed in this motel and there are a number of websites I have wanted to visit. I downloaded a number of them very rapidly for later reading at the cottage. We will have rudimentary AOL dial-up service there and I'm not even sure yet if it will be a toll call. Having webpages already on my computer will give me an opportunity to catch up on some of my favorite or new blogs.

About 8 am I went downstairs and got breakfast for F and I. I made her a fresh waffle and myself a toasted bagel. We each had a hard boiled egg and 2 cups of coffee. It was delicious.

After breakfast I read aloud a teaching from Heart Advice of the Kamapa, a book of teachings given by H.H. the 17th Karmapa that was published on the occassion of his first visit to America. The teaching was on the essence of Buddhism and is quite good. F and I had a nice discussion about it afterward.

I read a little more, wrote in my journal and have now written this blog. I'm about to wake F up from her post-prandial nap and we will get up and out. We will be traveling about a half hour to Boone to attend the Boone in June art manufacturers fair sponsored each year by Cheap Joe. Afterwards we will make our way to Weaverville and to our rented cottage. I will post more during the course of our vacation.

Another Place

2008-06-20T22:38:00.002-04:00

I began vacation on Thursday. F and I had plans to leave Jax between 8 - 10 a.m. The time came and went. This time it wasn't F. It was me. As I have been writing here and in my journal, I have been exhausted. All week F and I went to work, did work around the house and needed chores all in anticipation of hitting the road on Thursday morning. When it came, I couldn't do it.

Tuesday morning my father was admitted to the hospital again. This time in anticipation of sx to remove malignant tumors from his prostate. The sx was scheduled for Thursday afternoon. It took me the afternoon of Thursday to realize that the reason I was dragging my feet on leaving Jax was that I couldn't stand to add another mile to the distance between my father and me. I live 330 miles north of him and the thought of going another 450 miles away was just undoable. I needed to wait for the sx results and know that he was ok before I could leave home. F was patient and understanding throughout the day. The dogs were most grateful to have been given a reprieve. As was Lori.

With dad's sx successful and behind him F and I loaded up and pulled out of the driveway at 8:45 am this morning. We had a very uneventful and pleasant trip through Ga, SC and into NC. In the course of it my shoulders lowered, my neck untensed, and my mind slowed down. I am on vacation!

We arrived in Hickory NC at 5:15pm. Several weeks ago we had made arrangements to meet Ken & Jerry at Olive Garden in Hickory on Friday. Had we arrived on Thursday as planned it would have been a half hour drive from our hotel. It was a one hour+ drive for K & J from their home in Winston-Salem. We got to the restaurant 3 minutes before the scheduled time. We had travelled 433 miles and we were on time! Had we left on Thursday, and traveled to Hickory from Lenoir, we would probably have been late. I'm sure of it.

We had a wonderful, but too short 2 hours with K & J. They both look TERRIFIC. We laughed, reminisced, dished, and shared about our current lives. They seem very happy with their life in W-S, their cats, and their lives together. We parted promising to visit them in W-S next trip.

We made our way to Lenoir and checked into our one night stay motel. We were settled in for the evening before dark. And my father had a good day too!

the call of the mountains

2008-06-15T11:34:00.006-04:00

It's Sunday of the week we leave for vacation. Hopefully, Thursday morning by this time, we will be passing into SC from GA. Can't wait.

The first part of our trip will take us to Lenoir, NC, arriving before dusk on Thursday. Just south of Boone, it is close enough to spend only a half hour traveling to Boone for Cheap Joe's Boone in June Trade Show on Saturday. Friday we will tool around the area taking in the mountains and the sights. Friday night we plan to meet friends in Hickory for dinner.

After Boone in June, we will head west to Asheville for the next and largest part of our trip. We will spend 8 days in Weaverville, just north of Asheville, where we have rented a small 1 bedroom cottage. While we plan to do some outings, we also plan to stay very close to the cottage resting, reading, doing Buddhist practice and artwork, and watching DVDs. There is a phone with local access but we won't know if we will be able to log onto the internet from there. We've already been told by the owner that cell phone receptivity there is rare if at all. I hope to have internet access while away so I can post pictures and tales of our time in the mountains.

The last part of our trip is a somber pilgrimage. We will go to SC for 2 days and visit the location of Todd's death and go to the cemetery to view his headstone for the first time. Seeing his name and his birth and death date chiseled into stone is the very last part of the process of letting go of Todd. It's already been 2 years. It goes fast. We will visit with Todd's widow and her new husband, then return to Jax on July 1st.

I need this time away like I haven't needed a vacation in a long time. For the last 5 years I have taken vacation in late March - early April. I am feeling the fatique of the extra 2 months of work without vacation. I'm tired and really need a break. I love the area we're going to. The mountains roll over my consciousness and soul in a way that refreshes me. When I lived in NYC I vacationed every year in S.Florida. That is where I went to wash away the stress and strain of my daily life. Now that I live in FL I seek out the mountains of NC for restoration. I love it there. The air, the beauty of the mountains, the sky, the people, the sound of no sound.

But the trip is not today. It is not until the end of the week. And there is much to do here now.

Happy Birthday Pooper!!!

2008-06-03T07:51:00.006-04:00

Today is my Pooper's birthday. She is 37 YEARS OOOOOOOOOLLLLDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my, how and when did that happen. I love you and miss you Clio! Happy Birthday, baby.

Lots going on in this past week. Busy like crazy at work. Nothing new about that. I am enjoying working with my boss JD. We worked together in the past for about 4 years and are once again in an easy relationship. A job opened last week in my former dept. and I opted not to apply for it. I will stay where I am and continue trying to contribute something worthwhile to this project.

Frankye came home after a 17 day trip to Annapolis. While all creatos in the house missed her, we had gotten into a routine of day to day activity that was quiet and pleasant. However, if one were sensitive, one could have gotten offended when every being in the house, including spiders and bugs, RAN TO THE DOOR at top speed the moment they heard her voice. I heard them, under their breath, screaming in a whisper....she's home, she's home, she's home!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God, it's over!

The other thing that happened is my father was diagnosed with a tumor in his prostate. Not so unusual in a 78 year old man. Last week he had a biopsy and a procedure to remove the tumor, regardless if it was malignant or not, was scheduled for this week. As the week wore on, he began to lose his appetite, he got weak, and was urinating like crazy. By Saturday, he was so dizzy and dehydrated that he fell while bringing laundry in. He hit his head and couldn't get up. He refused to allow my mother to call the EMS. Instead she called my brother and nephews. They were there in a flash and were able to get him up. If it had to happen, I'm glad it happened on a Saturday when they were home.

Once my dad was up and tended to, my mother called my dad's doctor and the doctor spoke to my father and insisted he be taken to the hospital. He entered through the ER on Saturday. He had developed an infection from the biopsy, became dehydrated, his blood pressure went into the basement, and his heart rate became very elevated. His infection is being treated IV, his bp is getting better, but his heart rate has not slowed down. He is feeling better, has the energy to be agitated about the culture and schedule of hospital life, but hasn't gotten any indication of when he may be returning home. Not sure if they will keep him in and do the tumor removal while he is in the hospital or not.

I feel as though my parents have turned a corner. They have turned the corner of vulnerability, of aging to the point of increased frailty, not so much in their ability to be mobile, but in their ability to recover from accidents and illness. My mother has been home alone since my dad is in the hospital. She hasn't wanted anyone to come over and stay with her. I know she is scared. She hasn't been sleeping well. She is anxious about losing my father. She is anxious and when she is anxious she cleans. She tells me on the phone that she is cleaning to prepare for my father's return. A nice sentiment, but the house is not now, nor is it ever, not clean.

I'm frightened too. I'm frightened for them both. I'm frightened for the one who is left. Whichever one it is, will have a rough time of it. I know they both think of death. They both know it is coming. They have made arrangements, and have set up everything in our names jointly with theirs. That works really well if they go together. I don’t think that I, my siblings, or either of them are prepared for a long protracted illness for either of them. How do you do that? Other than knowing the possibilities, how do you gracefully prepare for that inevitability?

My mother is the matriarch of her family. She is the oldest of her generation. Three of her female cousins have died in the past 4 years. Two were in the their 50’s and one was 68 when she died this past year. My father is the patriarch of his family. He is the oldest male. He lost his eldest brother (and closest friend) in 1980. He just recently lost an elder sister. He has 3 other siblings alive, only one older than he. It is their time. They know it more than I do. As I am aware of my own aging in ways others do not yet detect in me.

This has been my week. I've had 3 joys in my week: watching the visit of H.H. Karmapa from afar; the return of Frankye safe and sound; and the news that my nephew Joseph and wife Karen are expecting their 2nd child!

2008-05-28T07:11:00.008-04:00

I've been reading a really good book. The kind of book you want to savor. I read every word, and sometimes over and over.

The book is The Snow Leopard by Peter Matthiessen. It is a day by day account of his on foot journey through Nepal and Tibet. He describes in beautiful detail the flora, fauna, and animals he encounters. But it's his own inner journey, his own yearning to uncover his core being that is so riveting.

It's the kind of book that has me question my own intelligence, depth, sincerity, and the value of my life as I've lived it so far. I can't help but think of how I wasted years of opportunity and roads not taken because of self-doubt, fear, and concern for what others think.

I had my own "walking tour" in 1972. After fleeing a drug rehab I hitched and walked through the south. It lasted a little over 2 months. It changed my life. I could not have returned to rehab and recovered from drug addiction had I not been on that journey. I would not be sober over 3 decades had I not been on that journey. It is what I saw, what I felt, the values and traditions I grew up with that I questioned for the the first time in my life. Once I questioned the narrow parameters of the Italian Catholic traditions and values I was raised in, I was able to expand my interest in the world.

Unfortunately, it took me long past my physical capability to lose the fear that kept me locked into the "place" I have existed in. As much of an eye opener and "aha" it was to leave the city and wander out into the other America, it would have been so much more had I actually left America and taken a walk on another continent. This is the lost opportunity I refer to.

For many years after my own local trek, I was physically strong and capable of such an undertaking. I was sober. I was unencumbered by a home, a relationship, a desire for physical comforts. What I lacked was courage to act on it. I lacked true desire. I lacked cognisance of emotional and mental growth, and maturity. I lacked confidence in my intellect and inner strength. I allowed fear to rule the decisions I made about my life. Fear of the unknown. Fear of living too much out of the mainstream. Fear of getting lost - irretrievably lost. Fear of dying before I even knew I was alive.

Being alive is a process of dying. Each moment dies as we live it, and we can only know what we lived from a look back perspective. Everything I know is the past. I know absolutely nothing else.

There's a wonderful little chapter in Matthiessen's book about his 8 year old son. He recounts observing his child in a moment of oneness with his environment. He attaches the observation of his child to his own yearning for presence as participant in the world. We humans tend to observe from offstage, even when we might be center stage. The only way to live is to not watch myself living.

I know that I don't need to walk another continent. I know that I did it the way I did it because that was the way I could do it. I know that I can achieve presence anywhere, anytime. I know that I achieve this every single day, if only when I am sleeping. I know that I have a desire to continue on this path. Not just for this life but for all subsequent lives.

It is nice to read how someone else has done their inner journey. I highly recommend this book to anyone who questions the value of their own life. AND it's also just a beautifully written book.

COUNT MY VOTE

2008-05-23T07:55:00.004-04:00

I sent an email with this message to the Democratic National Committee this morning:

My commitment to the Democratic Party is this: If the Rules Committee does not seat every delegate from the FL Primary I will NOT vote in the Presidential election in November.
It is my commitment to the Democratic Party that causes me to refuse to allow it to be as reckless and as disregarding to the America voting process as the Republican party is.
Anything less than seating ALL delegates undermines and punishes the voters. If you do not want and count my vote in the primary, you can not have it in the general election.

Nothing to add to that.

Moved From a Distance

2008-05-22T21:06:00.005-04:00

I have been closely following the activities of H.H. Karmapa since his arrival in the U.S. last week. KTD has been generous in posting photographs of the Karmapa's agenda while at his main seat in North America. Several bloggers have been diligent in posting snippets of talks, his personal disclosures, his humor, and the rituals His Holiness is engaging in.

The most moving parts of what I have read involves His Holiness' comments on his reaction to NY, his feelings about Americans and America, and recalling when he first met Americans when he was 8 and thought they were strange looking. It is His Holiness' embrace of Americans and New York that have moved me to tears.

I have not been in NYC since 9/11/01. I just have not been able to go. I've visited my sister several times since then, each time purposely flying into MacArthur Airport and avoiding the aerial view of NYC. 9/11/01 broke my heart in many ways. I've seen photos and clips in films of the NY skyline without the WT towers, and each time it is as if the empty space were lit in neon. It is always, "what's wrong with this picture?"

It is not the buildings that matter. I have always believed that the buildings would come down. I just never imagined it would happen in such a violent, deliberate way. That one incident has left me vulnerable and homeless in a sense. The thought of going to NYC is unsettling, as if I would be going to a strange land. I don't want to see the remnants of the bombs (that's what the jets were - flying molitov cocktails). I don't want to see armed military protecting citizens in the streets, ala Tel Aviv. I don't want to see the changed landscape of NYer's eyes.

But now I have a new thought. A new image. The image of His Holiness Karmapa at ground zero. The image of His Holiness strolling through the contemporary art wing of the Met. The image of His Holiness at Tibet House. These places have become holy to me now. As if going would be akin to making pilgrimage to holy sites in India. I know that sounds sappy, but for me it is the first candle lit in the darkness that has been NYC since September 11th, 2001. My healing is beginning now.

2008-05-17T21:25:00.002-04:00

On His Holiness Karmapa's visit blog today there are lovely pictures of his visit to museums in New York. The most touching post and photos were his visit to Ground Zero, where he presented flowers at a closed shrine, and signed and wrote this aspiration in the guest book (translated from the Tibetan):

Through peaceful hearts,
Peaceful feelings,
And peaceful intelligence,
May this world truly move
From darkness to light.

His Holiness visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art and after visiting a number of galleries, requested to be taken to the contemporary art gallery. The blogger noted that His Holiness was particularly taken with the Pollock's and the Rothko's.

I really understand that. To see the large Pollock's in a gallery space is an emotional experience. The same with Rothko. When you stand before those large paintings, they take in all your vision, including your peripheral vision. The painting is all you see. It becomes reality. And because there are no focal points in either artist's work, the essence of the color field is the experience.

Saturday

2008-05-17T18:39:00.001-04:00

I've had a very pleasant day so far. I slept well - till 8:26 in the morning!!!! I woke rested and ready for my day.

I went to Sangha practice this morning. It was an abreviated practice due to a life release Lama Khandro did to remove obstacles for all our Sangha traveling to New York to see His Holiness Karmapa. We released worms. She purchased them at a bait store and in rescuing them and then releasing them, it not only saved their lives, but perhaps the lives of fish these worms would have been used to catch. Lama Khandro read a very good rational for life release and what an important and profound practice it is. The worms were in containers and placed on the Rinpoche's puja table. The Lama did some prayers over them, and placed little discs of "stuff" she had made (the same substance used to make tormas), they had previously been placed on the shrine and were blessed.

We had our monthly pot luck lunch after practice, and Kim and Cathy provided a wonderful meal. Lama Khandro led us in a prayer of blessing, and then a plate was prepared as an offering and placed on the shrine while the rest of us ate. After the shrine was closed the food was removed and I wrapped it up and brought it home. When I got home I released a container of worms in the lot next door, and spread out the food (tsok) for wild life to feed on.

Afterward, I went to Chamblin's Book Mine and traded in some books. I did a little browsing and got a book by Alexandra David Neel called Initiations and Initiates in Tibet, a drawing book that I had checked out at the library and really liked (and looked for on several past visits to Chamblin's), and a small little gem I found called The Watercolor Handbook. This little book examines watercolors done by the Masters, such as Van Gogh, Cezanne, Klee, Delecroix, and others. It's a very interesting little book. I paid no money and still have over $25 credit for a future visit. I love Chamblin's. I don't know the last time I got books from there that I actually paid cash for.

Between Sangha and Chamblin's I spoke to F twice, spoke to C, bought gas, and had the car washed. I did some cleaning outdoors, rummaged through my studio for a new moleskine, and played with the dogs outside for a bit.

Once inside, I looked at email then read for a while, currently reading The Wisdom of Solitude by Jane Dobisz. She is a Zen Buddhist Master. The book is about a 100 day retreat she did alone in winter in a 150 sq. foot cabin in New England. It's an easy read, but delightful. I identify with her fears and her apprehension. I'm enjoying it. As always, on Saturday, a nap was enjoyed.

An Auspicious Day

2008-05-15T19:39:00.003-04:00

Today is an auspicious day in America. His Holiness the 17th Gyalway Karmapa arrived in New York today for his first ever visit to the U.S.

There is a blog that has been set up called His Holiness the 17th Karmapa's 2008 U.S. Visit. Daily postings of activities and photos began today and will continue throughtout His Holiness' visit.

This is a photograph of His Holiness being greeted by children at the airport. He arrived this morning from India and made his way into Manhattan. A number of people from my local Sangha will be attending one or more of the events. I will not - this time. I am staying home and will watch from afar. I look forward to my friends return and hearing their stories and seeing their photos.

Returning

2008-05-14T20:25:00.003-04:00

It is mid-May now. The Winter months have gone by quickly. The days have just rolled into weeks, which have rolled into months. I guess that's what happens when you're busy. I have been too busy.

Now that I've returned to blog, I haven't much to say. And perhaps that's why I've stayed away for 2 months from blogging. I haven't had anything to say. I'm too busy doing, and when I'm not, I'm trying to have quiet restful time. I don't always succeed.

When I left off blogging in January, I was very taken up with the Democatic primaries. I have spent most of this time very engaged in watching the process. I've maintained a commitment to Sen Clinton despite the likelihood of her not getting the nomination from the Democratic party. I am still unsettled about Sen. Obama. In Nov I will have 4 choices: vote for Sen Clinton for President, or for Sen McCain, or not vote for anyone, or vote for Sen Obama. I might not know exactly which one I will do until election day.

I have done no artwork beyond doodling in my journal in this time period. I miss it but have not had the energy to do any. When I've had downtime I've been too tired to do anything but rest. So much lost opportunity. A casualty of age, I think. But perhaps it's also the gift of age. What's wrong with just being? I put on myself that I should be "doing" when I need only to just be.

In this time period I've read a number of books. Several mysteries, the newest Robert Parker Jesse Stone book, the latest in the #1 Ladies Detective Agency series, The Nine by Jeffrey Toobin, and most recently, Pico Iyer's new book on H.H. Dalai Lama called The Open Road. I've recently ordered a few used books for very little money on-line. One by Peter Matthiessen, one by Rick Fields about the history of Buddhism in the West, and another one I can't remember right now.

I've been enjoying reading, doing a daily crossword puzzle or two, and playing scrabble on line. Those things, meditation, thinking, working, practice, and chanting, are how I have spent my time. Occassional family visits, time with my friend Lori, Dwight, my animals, activities with Frankye. And that's it. Our friends moved last year and they are ensconsed in their new lives. We keep in touch but gone are the weekly lunches or dinners out. Gone are the afternoons at Borders reading magazines, giggling, drinking coffee and eating sweets. Gone are the dinners at each others houses with all the teckels in tow. I miss them but am very pleased at the satisfaction they feel for the life they have now.

So that's my blog. I hope to write more often now that I've started again.

2008-02-28T14:40:00.002-05:00

THIS SITE IS ON HIATUS

UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE

another Tuesday another primary

2008-01-29T17:18:00.000-05:00

Today is the Florida primary. It's odd that the Dems won't be collecting delegates, or, won't have their delegates seated. The Dems had all agreed they wouldn't campaign here and so local and national news has been covering the Republicans all over the state. It will be interesting to see if that race stays as unformed as the Democratic race appears. It's been quite a while since there was this much tension and excitement in a campaign year. But then, it's been a very long time since there was no incumbent (or V.P. heir apparent). The last time, I think, was 1968, when LBJ declared he would not run and the Democratic field ripped wide open.

Speaking of 1968...Ted Kennedy's endorsement of Barak Obama was a bit surprising, but the the thing that was really surprising was how he compared him to his brothers. I don't feel that way about Obama, but if young people today feel the way I did about Robert Kennedy, then I understand the hope and excitement they feel for the future after the confusion and sadness of the past 7 years.

I think I have assumed that young people were too self involved, and too engaged in capitalism to care abut the USA or the world at large. But the way they are reacting to Obama makes me think that they just aren't as pissed off as we were in the sixties, but that doesn't mean they're not turned off. That doesn't mean they don't know it's a bad time for America. And it doesn't mean that they can't change it. Perhaps they just needed to be inspired by someone closer to their age and ideals. Maybe the person had to look a lot different than all those who came before him, for them to even want to listen. Maybe they needed their own prophet and not some recycled one from their parent's youth.

So, if Obama is the RFK for the youth and young adults of America, then hallelujah for them -- all is not lost. I still don't think he has the skills YET to make real his dream and his ambitions. But that is my prerogative to feel that way. That is the privilege of my age. The best thing about America, though, is that we all get one vote, no matter how old, how committed, or how inspired (or not) we are.

I'm rooting for Hillary, but I'm also rooting for the youth of America to make this a better place than it is now.

What Goes Around

2008-01-27T08:06:00.000-05:00

Well, you don't always know how long it will take for karma to come slapping back at you, but it always does. I was disappointed and upset with how both democratic candidates behaved in the debate Tuesday night, and then even more disgusted with how the media played with it all week. It culminated in an impressive win for Barak Obama in the South Carolina primary yesterday. It was a "shame on you, you should know better" loss for Hillary.

I hope this brings an end to this kind of volatile, sniping exchanges between those in the same party during this primary season. I really think Clinton paid the price for her heavy handed push back at Obama. We know she's tough. She doesn't have to beat up the altar boy for everyone to know she's tough.

How tough is she? She's Golda Meir tough. She's Margaret Thatcher tough. She's more than tough enough. Now she needs to show that she is also dignified enough.

Another Day

2008-01-23T14:50:00.000-05:00

Today I cast my first ever vote for Hillary Clinton. Florida conducts early voting in all primaries, national and state-wide elections. I have taken advantage of this option since its inception. Why fight the crowds? I hope to cast 2 more votes for Hillary Clinton -- in November 2008 and November 2012. After that she can retire at age 72 after a 2 term presidency.

I'm kind of amused at how the talking heads are trying to shape the election. They keep using old tactics to designate what they want to be of most interest to voters. They are frustrated by there being no run-away-from-the-pack front runner, although they would be bored to death if there were. The primaries are all they talk about. It's as if America weren't at war in two countries. They are talking about the economy, but mostly in context of the candidates. They showing film clips of candidates from both parties dissing George W. Cheney, but they aren't dishing Bush themselves.

I was going to write a long rant about politics and the media, but I just got a call from an old friend who gave me two pieces of really good news about 2 people I love very much.

The first is about my longest friend, Marcos. He is well, working his way back to his profession, is single, and has just transferred to Tampa. While I don't go to Tampa enough to get to see him, I am so HAPPY for him that he has made it through his long dark night and landed on his feet. Watching and knowing Marcos has been going through this hard time for these past 6 - 7 years has been painful. There is nothing I could do for him but pray for him and love him. Anything else would not have helped. I had to stand on the sidelines and love him in silence. It's been extremely difficult, and I am so happy he has made his way through it all. I understand the making a new way for himself. I am just filled with love and admiration for him.

The other good news was that Clio got a very good job, a little more money, doing something she loves! I am SO HAPPY FOR HER!!!!!!

Ok, the rant...
...back to Obama. Was I talking about Obama? I watched the National Black Caucus debate the other night. I have to say that I really disliked the tone and energy of the sniping that Clinton and Obama did at the debate. By default, John Edwards looked more mature and was able to stay on his message and get a lot of info about his proposals out there.

I hope that what they did at the debate is the last time they snipe at each other in that way. I think they both are better people than that. That said I would like to comment on some of the things that Obama said, that stuck out to me.

He said he didn't know who he was running against, Hillary or Bill. I don'tknow why the media didn't pick up on that being a negative about him, and not Hillary's campaign tactics. If he doesn't know who he is running against because he is being verbally attacked, how is he going to stand the type of criticism and animosity he would experience as the leader of the free world? It was said in a cute way to dis Hillary, but instead it made him seem as though whatever Bill was doing was working. As Bill is not the candidate, it is clear that Obama is sexist, as he is listening to "the man" and not the rival who's name is on the ballot with his.

The other thing that came out was his voting record while he was in the IL state legislature. He voted 129 times "present." Apparently it is an option in the IL government. His explanation as to why he did that on important bills, including one he introduced into the process, was that he was showing his support for the idea of the bill but not the content of it as it came up for a vote. Even if it made things better, if it wasn't the way he wanted it to be, he wasn't going to vote yes, but wouldn't be so bold as to vote no. The example Hillary gave and Edwards picked up on was a bill to cap off the amount of interest credit card companies could charge. The bill came to vote with a 30% cap. Obama voted "present" because he wanted a lower cap. What Edwards pointed out was that there is now no cap. Credit card companies are free to charge as much as they want, and do, in poor and black communities. So he didn't get what he wanted, but he didn't help make it better either.

The clear message to me is that he wouldn't and couldn't compromise. How can he be President and believe he can turn around a humongous beauracracy like the U.S government without negotiation and compromise with the Congress. Does it mean he will do nothing if he doesn't get his way? Will he stamp his foot too?

He threw mud at Hillary for sitting on the board of Wal-mart (before it was super-duper-mow-down-all-small-businesses-Walmart). She threw mud at him for having a client that is a slum-lord, who, by the way is (still) a major contributor to his campaign. He said he worked on his account for 5 hours. He said it was years ago. What he didn't say was that this same slum lord bought a piece of property next to the house that Obama bought for his family. In 2004. Half of the property was sold to Obama, so he could expand his own property. The guy was under Federal indictment at the time. One who lives in glass house should not throw stones.

I do not have an expectation that candidates be squeaky clean. I would be very suspect of them if they were. (Romney) Politics is a dirty business, and only the dirtiest, shrewdist players get to the top (B. Clinton/George W. Cheney). It's the hipocracy of it I can't stand. It's Obama's attitude that all his foibles are behind him, not part of how he does business to this day. They are not behind him. He should own up to them. If he doesn't they will be thrown in his face, when he least expects it, like they were Monday night. He set out to throw mud at Hillary, and she threw a rock back at him.

I'll say it again...Obama is not ready for the game...or the job.

I'm for Hillary! Still!

2008-01-08T07:19:00.000-05:00

It's Primary Day in New Hampshire. This is the real start of the election process as the candidates will now begin amassing delegates to the nominating convention scheduled for August 25th-28th in Denver CO.

My support of Hillary Clinton for president has not wavered one bit as a result of Obama's surge. As a matter of fact, the cult of personality momentum that is building around Obama is beginning to frighten me.

My gut tells me this man is not yet ready for such a heavy load. It feels like ..."be careful what you ask for (people), because you just might get it." If Obama is elected we wind up with a situation we've had for the past 8 years, a President in over his head, allowing those with a stronger, clearer agenda and much better behind the scene skills and connections setting the pace and agenda for his presidency and the nation. This lesson has been chiseled into the historical record by the Chaney led administration of George W. Bush. It's been disastrous for the country on every level imaginable. If we learn nothing else from the last 8 years, let us learn that.

I wish the best for Hillary in this month. I know she will stay in there.

I pray the American people will look beyond the "magic" of Obama and seek answers as to how he intends to accomplish this change he is promising. Lofty goals are easy. Planting a seed of hope after the past 8 years is not so hard. Making them real is the hard part. Making them real in Washington is a monumental task that takes experience, connections, and strong support internally and externally. This is not a government ruled by a President. It is a government ruled by a triumvirate structure, the President being only 1 aspect of that structure. If he (she) does not have the internal support and the connections, and the experience, someone else within the structure will and they will determine the change.

It will change. Nothing stays the same. But will it continue to change in a way that squeezes, endangers and embarrasses the American people or will it change to a climate of support, security and pride for the American people? That's what's at stake in NH today and during the primary period.

Keep going Hillary!

Back to the Grind

2008-01-07T06:34:00.000-05:00

Monday morning again. It comes so quick. I would have loved a lazy weekend. I would have loved 48 hours of aloneness and quiet time. I didn't get that. What I got wasn't bad, but it wasn't that.

F and I have a grandson living with us again. Not sure how long it will be. He's a good kid, easy to be around. But it is an additional person here with us. My parents drove through Jax on Saturday on their return from NY. F and I met them at Smokey Bones for lunch. Afterwards she brought T to work and we had a quiet evening and dinner of cheese and crackers. Watched the Jags beat the Steelers (barely). It ended when F had to go pick up T from work. Short, but sweet.

Yesterday was F's birthday. She originally said she wanted to just stay home and be left alone. I insisted that we actually "do" something. I contacted family and friends and made arrangements for a brunch out. Wound up cancelling it and F got her original wish and stayed in all day. She got lots of sleep-in time, alone reading, breakfast in bed, chores done for her, and as much quiet time as she wished. I brought T to work, and brought her home krispy kremes, and she spent about 2 hours working on her bonzai plants out on the deck with the noodles. She said she loved it. F & D came by for a little while, bearing gifts, pizza got delivered, and T came home and a nice evening was had by all.

In a few hours I go back to work, for a full 5 day work week, in a position I'm not liking no matter how hard I try. I try, try, try to like it everyday, and just don't. I do it anyway. I do it anyway. I do it anyway.

That's it for a Monday morning.

Iowa

2008-01-04T08:10:00.000-05:00

Last night's Iowa caucuses officially launched election year. I wrote the following predictions in my journal yesterday morning:

Republican
1. Romney
2. McCain
3. Huckabee

And it didn't happen that way. It went Huckabee, Romney, McCain/Thompson. I thought for sure that Huckabee's gafs and apparent lack of knowledge of global politics would do him in. It didn't. My immediate reaction was to think "he'll never get elected!" But then I remembered thinking that with Reagan and more recently with Dubya. Then I felt the thud in my stomach and actually heard myself say "OY" out loud.

Democrat
I had 2 scenarios for the Democrats:
1. Clinton
2. Edwards
3. Obama

or

1. Obama
2. Edwards
3. Clinton

The second scenario was what came to pass. In both scenarios I knew that John Edwards would benefit as a second favorite choice from the 4 or so candidates that would not achieve 15%. It seems that he and Obama both benefited from that peculiar Iowan ritual.

As in the past, the press pays much attention to the winners in Iowa. Only 2 non-incumbents have actually been elected President after winning in Iowa: George W. Bush and Jimmy Carter. Ronald Reagan and Bill Clinton, both incumbents at the time, won Iowa and were re-elected.

So how important is Iowa? It is 5 days important. In five days, the Primary in New Hampshire takes place. Iowa will be a memory. As we move through January there will be 5 primaries, including FL on the 29th, leading up to Super Tues Feb 5th, when 20 states will have their primaries.

The excitement of being an American.

There's Always Room For Jello

2008-01-02T16:49:00.000-05:00

The mind, my mind, is a really weird thing. In the course of a day, hundreds, if not thousands, of words, images, phrases, cross my mind. Some of them are so nonsensical, like the title of this blog. Some of them are horrifying, like remembering an awful time in my life, thinking someone is going to die or a plane will crash, or something equally tragic and painful. Sometimes it's a song lyric....

When I as younger
so much younger
than today,
I never needed
anybody's help
in any way.

And now my life
has changed
in oh so many ways,
My independence seems
to vanish in the haze.

There's no reason for me to have thought of this song. I haven't heard it in a long time. It's the opposite of my experience. I don't know why it popped into my head. But there it was.

I have no explanation for many of the things that come into my head. It's like being on a long train ride and looking out the window. The train is moving and the scenery becomes a blur unless I focus on something. Even if I spend a second with it, I will get a clearer picture. It will be something I am aware of.

That's kind of how my mind is. This constant whirring blur, and occassionally something will catch my attention, and I will spend some time with it, until something else catches my attention. While all this is going on I am either eating, working, thinking, watching tv, talking, listening, playing a video game, driving... Sometimes, several of these at once. So, like I said, there's always room for jello.

"Help" lyrics by Lennon/McCartney, published by Northern Songs, Ltd.

Post Mortems

2007-12-31T14:15:00.000-05:00

The news is filled today with recalling the horrors of the past year and the deaths of people who some how or other had become meaningful to large numbers of people.

Of course, the most recent and upsetting for many was the assassination this week of Benazir Bhutto. While she had many followers in Pakistan, she was also held in high esteem by many, many people around the world. Her murder, while predictable, was no less tragic.

The one death that surprised and effected me most was the death of one of my favorite artists. Her name is Elizabeth Murray and she was a wonderful painter. She died in August. Murray cut her canvases into the shapes of her paintings and so they were both paintings and sculptures.

I first came upon her work on a gallery hop in Soho in 1986. I had a route that I took and galleries I visited on a monthly basis. I had not heard of her or seen her work prior to walking into the gallery that day. As I entered the gallery I walked up to a large painting laying on a tilt on the floor. As a fan of abstract expressionism I was accustomed to art not present on a square or rectangular painting surface. Artists had for many years been pushing the envelope on what is suitable for painting.

I don't even remember which painting it was. It was large. It was a cut-out canvas in an organic shape. It was colorful and strong. I got a chill and teared as I stood before it and stared. I went through the exhibit 2 or 3 times. I was excited by her work. I felt like the cells in my body had been electrified and were tingling.

I've had that reaction to 2 painters. Elizabeth Murray and Vincent van Gogh. Early in the eighties I stood before van Gogh's "Starry Night" at MOMA and wept like a fool. I was so moved by that painting.

But now Elizabeth Murray is gone, at age 66, taken by cancer. It's a loss for those of us touched by her work.

painting: Elizabeth Murray, Careless Love, 1995-1996

On the Eve

2007-12-31T08:05:00.000-05:00

It's new year's eve. Just another day. Just another eve. My 56th. It really has changed for me over the years. The best part of it is I am lucky enough to have a job that gives me a day off the following day. For the last 10 years, I have enjoyed a half day of work on the eve.

In previous years, the end of the year had meaning for me. I saw Jan 1st as a beginning and Dec 31st as an ending. I no longer see it, think of it, or have expectations of it, in that way. I tend to think of my life as a line, a landscape with rises and falls and flat areas. I think of the calendar as a circle, locked into a rotation that broadens slightly every 4th year.

We humans love to categorize, label, count, and document time. The beginning, end, mid-, start, finish...and on and on, as ways to distinguish one now from another. But it has no real meaning. There is a Hebrew calendar (5768), a Chinese calendar(4607), an Indian calendar (1929), an Islamic calendar (1428),a Tibetan calendar (2134), and a Julian calendar (2007). Each calendar counts the years within their tradition, but it has no meaning for time, life, existence, etc.

The new year is celebrated at different times, as well. The Chinese will celebrate the new year on Feb 7, 2008, Indian new year is celebrated variously in Spring or Autumn, depending on the region of India, Hebrew new year was celebrated on Sept 12th, Tibetan new year will also be celebrated on Feb 7th, and of course the western world's celebration on Jan 1st.

The only thing we all have in common is that we document time. It's a human thing to do. It's a tradition, with sub traditions of when and how, within the tradition. It is nothing more than that.

I no longer make resolutions. I no longer search my memory for the successes I've achieved to try and balance out every failure I caused or experienced in the past calendar year. What a futile exercise that is! Oy!

So, on the eve, F and I will spend a quiet evening at home with our animals. We've decided on a menu of scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon, sliced tomatoes and toast for dinner. We will have a late evening snack of salsa and tortilla chips. Our evening will probably include watching a few episodes of "Profiler" that we have on TiVo, and at 11:55 PM turn to a network station to watch the ball in Times Square drop. We will make comments about how glad we are not to be there with all those people and all that craziness. We will both sleep well, as we have no work in the morning.

The Elusive Illusory Now

2007-12-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about a quote I read the other day about staying in the now and regarding the the past as unliveable (not verbatim).

Then I was thinking about journaling. It's something I do on a regular basis, almost daily, and have done since I was in my 20's. The thing about journaling that is so daunting is that we can never capture now. There is no way to document now. By the time we document now it is already the past. So I can only document the very recent or more distant past.

While I mull that I wonder how many "nows" I have spent documenting "then." Does it matter? I reminisce not.

I am on the precipice of a 9 day break from work. That is not anything I have had in 10 years of being on this job. I'm sure I have been off for 9 days in a row in the past, but everyone of those times I went somewhere during the break. This time I will be home for the whole 9 days. I am really looking forward to it.

I have been very stressed lately. I've felt a lot of stress on my job since I moved into a new position. I feel financial stress. I feel stress at home. I feel stress about my eating. I've gained about 8 lbs since Thanksgiving and it is coming off at a fraction of an ounce at a time. At the the office there is candy and cake and cookies all over the place everyday. Vendors have been sending treats as gifts, staff have been having departmental celebrations with lots of leftovers, The Board, Coalitions, all having luncheons with leftovers. Food, food everywhere.

The stress is causing me physical pain. My neck hurts, I've had headaches, my legs hurt. I'm hoping the work break will give me an opportunity to recover control of what I eat and how much. Oy, I'm whining!

We, Frankye and I, are having the least expensive Christmas we have ever had. Largely it is out of necessity. If we had more money, we would gleefully be more generous with those we love. But we are very stretched financially, so we are giving, but on a much smaller scale. And it's ok. It actually feels better to give within our means, than to stress out about acquiring more debt.

There are a number of things I would like to do on my vacation. I want to clean out my studio, discard much unnecessary clutter and then actually spend time in there DOING art. I'd like to see a movie or two, in a theater and at home. I'd like to spend a morning in bed, in peace, at least 1 day. I want to read, rest, nap daily if possible, do some long neglected chores around the house and property, spend quality time with F and j and bbb and boogie-mites, and last, but not least, practice, practice, practice. A tall order, I think. But, then, that is the future, as unliveable as the past.

The Face of War

2007-11-29T10:49:00.001-05:00

Youssif, who suffered a near fatal bomb attack in Iraq, is in the U.S. for extensive plastic surgery on the damage done to his face. Doctors may be able to erase most of the scars from his face, but no one can erase the scars on our souls for being a part of this.

2007-11-19T14:04:00.000-05:00

Saying it out loud. Writing it down. This is how I make commitments. It is when I know what commitments I am truly ready to make and keep.

Today some co-workers were talking about Christmas, and shopping, and decorating. After much chattering and silence on my part, I was asked what I do to prepare for the holiday. I replied that I do not celebrate Christmas. That is the first time I have really said that out loud, though Christmas has stopped being a meaningful time for me many, many, years ago, long before I converted to Buddhism. It's been within the last 5 years that I have fallen out of the excitement of the commercial holiday of Christmas, as well.

It's been a very long time since I have been able to call myself a Christian, though I tried to resurrect that belief when I first moved to Jacksonville and joined F's church. Had she and L not been there, I never would have gone, or stayed as long as I did. I remember the day I was made a member. I had to say that I believed Jesus was God. I didn't believe that at all. F wanted me to be a member and when I discussed it with her before hand she said not to worry about it, maybe I would come to believe again in time, or maybe it didn't really matter.

I don't mean to besmirch the name or memory of Jesus. I believe there was a historical Jesus. I believe he was more politically relevent than religiously relevent in his time. I do not believe he was/is divine. I do believe he had a message of love and peace and compassion. I believe he was kind hearted. I believe he was a bodhisattva. I believe he would mock what is done in his name today. I believe he would not consider himself a Christian either given the way his teachings have been ignored or twisted.

So, now it's in writing as well. I've said it out loud and I've put it in writing on the world wide web. I'm not a Christian. I don't celebrate Christmas. I celebrate my friends and family. I celebrate our annual gathering of a special meal, enjoyed together, with small gifts exchanged as a way of expressing affection for one another. That's it. That's the whole of it for me. No need to decorate for that. No need to spend a fortune and go into debt to do that. No need to feel stress, or guilt or pressure to do it right.

So now, with Thanksgiving this week, and Christmas following a month later, I am ready to enjoy what there is to enjoy from the holidays: my friends, my family, time off to relax, special cooking, special eating. A respite more than a celebration.

2007-11-12T07:45:00.000-05:00

I had a good weekend. Balanced. Sangha. Meditation. Reading. Family time. Alone time. Recreation. Football. Lunch out. Dinner ordered in. Sleep. Rest. Socializing. Reflection. Study.

I am still studying Karme Chakme's Mountain Dharma by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche. It is so wonderful. The book is a teacher. The book embodies what Karme Chakme taught, and what Khenpo Karthar taught.

Here are a few notes I've made while reading the book:

By abstaining from criticizing people, it is possible that you may be accumulating positive karma, but even if you are not accumulating anything positive. It is definite that you are not accumulating negative karma.

Enlightment is becoming aware and clear about everything, developing the wisdom state of our mind.

What makes a human life meaningful? It is protecting the roots of your 3 vows: individual liberation, Bodhichitta, and samaya (committment to the Guru, to the practice, and to the sangha.

Mara is anything that obstructs the practice of Dharma and seduces you into abandoning your practice in favor of worldly activities.

Most of the Buddha's teachings of the 4 Noble Truths are an explanation of karma.

Virtuous actions which are not dedicated to the awakening of all beings are very fragile and can be quickly exhausted.

I dedicate these notes to all sentient beings especially those that find themselves in harms way in war zones all around the world.

odds and ends

2007-11-10T07:54:00.000-05:00

I had a good week. Another 3-day work week. I could get used to these easily. I am just getting an inkling of the work of my new position. After 10 years of working within the same dept. and becoming knowledgeable of that federal grant, I have to learn a whole new one. It's new people to get to know and different tasks to learn, though the skills needed to do them are the same. It should be fine.

I began to read about buddhism over 7 years ago. This coming January will be 7 years since I took refuge. It is only recently that I feel my commitment to practice developing and growing. It takes a long time for me to transition from intellectual curiosity to sincere interest to a seed of belief to commitment. This is the first time since I have been affiliated with KTC that I can actually see the growth. It encourages me to keep on.

I thought this blog on Buddhism and tattoos was interesting. I have a tattoo on my left bicep of the Om Mani Peme Hung mantra. I don't consider it art but a form of practice. Getting the tattoo is a commitment to Buddhism and to the mantra in its written form.

I am trying to think through not worrying too much about the future. I worry about things like: what if I lose my job? what if I lose my home? what if I get sick? what if I have an incapacitating accident? These are useless worries. Useless because it doesn't matter what the answer is. Whatever will happen will happen whether I worry about it or not. The very worst thing that can happen to me is that I die. And that is the one thing that I know will definetly happen. So what's to worry? It is just an old habit that's difficult to break. I have outgrown it, as I have outgrown many things.

Speaking of outgrowing things brings up the issue of aging. I'm 56 now. Part of me is stunned! It just happened so fast.

On another level, getting older is such a delight. This past weekend in Finksburg I sat by the back door window and watched leaves fall from the trees. I thought about how like human life that is. We spend a good deal of our life growing, accumulating information, possessions, habits, ideas, beliefs...
Then one day you realize that a gear has shifted, almost without noticing. Gradually, possessions, ideas, beliefs, habits, are reconsidered, and many slowly float away, like a discarded leaf in a gentle breeze. You lose your physical agility and gain mental and emotional agility. What a trade off. Actually, it's a good trade-off. I wouldn't go backwards. I wouldn't trade what I know now for a body that can do whatever I want it to with pain-free ease.

Another Birthday

2007-11-08T17:45:00.000-05:00

My birthday was Monday and I was 56. I got birthday greetings from all the people I hold dear in my life, except for one, and it will dawn on him next week some time and then he’ll call me (and it’s ok).

In addition to birthday greetings I had a most wonderful gift. It came in two parts. The first part was the trip to Atlanta to see H.H. Dalai Lama teach and speak. The second part came this past weekend when F and I traveled to Finksburg MD to visit with our good friends Christi and Sue. Lori and Dwight agreed to house and animal sit (again), so we could travel with a clear mind knowing all would be well at home. The weather was wonderful. There was enough of Autumn’s beauty left to marvel at, and our friend’s home was big, and comfortable, and rural, and relaxing to be in.

I have seen pictures of their new home but nothing could have prepared me for seeing it in person. The house sits on a little over an acre in a rural farm community. There are houses near by but not on top of one another. A short distance down the road is a farm with beautiful, almost majestic looking Angus cows. The whole area is littered with horse farms, dairy farms, and tree farms. It’s so dark and so quiet at night – I can’t remember when I’ve heard such stillness. It really makes me long for a country life.

The house itself looks very modest from the outside. Once inside you realize how big the house is, how well laid out it is, the beauty of the cherry wood floors, the crown molding, the upgrades and renovations that were done to bring the almost 50 year old house into the new age. All the appliances are new, the windows are new, and the view is open and serene. I recognized about half of the furniture from their other home here in Jax, but it was in new places, with new compliments and looked very different. I felt like waves of relaxation slowly washed over me. I think my shoulders were 2 full inches lower by the time we left.

Their house has a wonderful, partially completed basement. There’s a huge room with a TV and an area where Sue works on her mosaics. There are a variety of utility rooms and some nice but unfinished sections of the basement as well. The best place is an oddly shaped room that Christi has converted into a shrine room. She calls it a meditation room, but it is far more than that. Again, I’d seen photos, but they could not convey the sense of what a calm, quiet, space that Christi created. One of the highlights of the weekend was practicing silent sitting meditation, Chenrezik and Amitabha with Christi in her shrine room. It was so nice to share that together.

Christi and Sue are both kind and generous friends and they treated us to everything! We had several lunches out at delicious and unique restaurants. Christi did big cooking, which means big clean-up – all of it delicious, and we spent quiet evenings chatting and watching TV. Sunday evening we watched a DVD of HH Dalai Lama’s teaching at KTD Monastery in Woodstock. The talk was 90 minutes and it took us about 150 minutes to get through it. We kept stopping and discussing parts of it. It was really good to do that as a group. That’s something we really haven’t done in the past.

Other things we did were play with the little teckles that we miss so much, visited an apple orchid and bought apples, and jams, and other things, went to Eldicott City ate, walked, explored shops, visited Westminster, drove through the 2 block town of Finksburg, went to an art store in Towson, went to the COW, which has the BEST frozen custard I’ve had since the 70’s in NYC, drove around small towns in the region soaking up the rural sights and lusting after the beautiful land and flagstone homes, drove by Sue’s job, and drove down near Baltimore to where Christi works.

If that all wasn’t enough, Christi made me a wonderful birthday dinner of roast chicken stuffed with goat cheese, garlic mashed potatoes, fresh spinach sautéed in olive oil and garlic, and a home made birthday cake with white cake and the best chocolate butter cream frosting I have ever had! And after all that, I got cards and gifts to boot. I was really overwhelmed by the generosity of them both, and warmed by their affection.

There were sad times as well. Sad to leave, sad when I first saw Sue because it hit me how much I’ve missed her, sad to be in such a beautiful place that is so close (1 hour 45 minutes by air) and yet so far away. I was sad to feel how much I’ve missed the landscape of the north and the variety of trees and hills and mountains. Sad because I know they will never come back to Jacksonville. They will live far away for a long time. Sad, but happy too.

It was a memorable trip and a great gift!

All photos by C. Cripps

Memorable Photos

2007-10-31T16:48:00.000-04:00

I still have no time to write but I have a few minutes to post some photos. All were taken by my friend C. Cripps.

His Holiness the Dalai Lama in Centennial Park in Atlanta GA giving a public talk. He is waiting to be introduced.

His Holiness speaking to the crowd of thousands on a rainy day.

Clio and I and Christi and I hanging out at Clio's loft.

This was a most memorable experience. Having Frankye, and Christi and of course, Clio, with me there made it VERY special. I feel I haven't taken it all in yet. I felt so much emotion during the weekend that it was hard to feel calm and take in all that was taught. I think this was the most generous gift I have ever been given and I can't thank my friend Christi enough for that. When I can I will dowload the teachings that have been posted by Emory and listen again to His Holiness' teachings.

2007-10-15T14:24:00.000-04:00

The Merton Reflection for the Week of October 15, 2007

My own peculiar task in my Church and in my world has been that of the solitary explorer who, instead of jumping on all the latest bandwagons at once, is bound to search the existential depths of faith in its silence, its ambiguities, and in those certainties which lie deeper than the bottom of anxiety. In these depths there are no easy answers, no pat solutions to anything. It is a kind of submarine life in which faith sometimes mysteriously takes on the aspect of doubt when, in fact, one has to doubt and reject conventional and superstitious surrogates that have taken the place of faith. On this level, the division between Believer and Unbeliever ceases to be so crystal clear. It is not that some are all right and others are all wrong: all are bound to seek in honest perplexity. Everybody is an Unbeliever more or less! Only when this fact is fully experienced, accepted and lived with, does one become fit to hear the simple message of the Gospel-or any other religious teaching.

The religious problem of the twentieth century is not understandable if we regard it only as a problem of Unbelievers and of atheists. It is also and perhaps chiefly a problem of Believers. The faith that has grown cold is not only the faith that the Unbeliever has lost but the faith that the Believer has kept. This faith has too often become rigid, or complex, sentimental, foolish, or impertinent. It has lost itself in imaginings and unrealities, dispersed itself in pontifical and organization routines, or evaporated in activism and loose talk.

Thomas Merton. "Apologies to an Unbeliever" in Faith and Violence. South Bend, IN: University of Notre Dame Press, 1968: 213-214.

2007-10-15T08:20:00.000-04:00

A good weekend. Sangha on Saturday morning, an enriching experience, as always. Good home time with F. I rented 2 movies on Saturday and we watched both Georgia Rule and Thief of Time. We liked them both. Sunday I did some houswork. It took several hours but it has really helped get the house back in control. F spent good time organizing the kitchen. She did good and it adds to the feeling of things in control. Last night we watch the Milarepa DVD. It was quite good.

This coming week is special. C is coming on Fri, I think in time for she and I to have lunch together (maybe at India Restaurant), and then spend the evening together. Saturday morning we 3 head out early to go to Atlanta. We will see Clio (YEAH!) and attend events Sat, Sun, and Mon related to H.H. Dalai Lama's visit to Emory University. Sat night we will attend the Tibetan Mystical Arts performance. Sun morning we will attend a teaching by His Holiness to Buddhist practitioners and then Mon afternoon we will attend the public talk in Centennial Park. We will return to Jax on Tues. It may be the only time in my life to see His Holiness. He is aging and has announced his coming retirement, though he has given no date. What a gift to see him. A special gift from C who is making it all possible. Exciting stuff!

I am still reading Karma Chakme's Mountain Dharma and really, really learning a lot. Some tidbits...

Buddha cannot remove your karma. Only you can remove your karma in reliance upon Buddha.

The only point of studying buddha-nature is to be inspired to practice Dharma, because it is the practice - not the knowledge - that reveals our buddha-nature and enables us to obtain buddhahood.

No one shapes us except our own afflictive emotions - our attachment, anger, ignorance, pride, jealousy and greed.

There is a long chapter on karma that is the most detailed explanation and description of cause and effect I have ever read. It is quite good.

I haven't done any artwork lately, and it's ok. I am journaling, and reading, and enjoying my favorite television programs. I am reading mysteries, and dharma, and meditating, and praying, and attending sangha, working, and feeling well balanced. Homelife has been very good. F and I have found a place where mutual respect and common courtesy rules and it is very easy going. Something we haven't always been successful at. But we are now and that is what matters and what we need to remember that we know how to do.

2007-10-12T16:10:00.000-04:00

What a week! I had a wonderful trip to my sister's. I spent time with her, that we haven't had together in a long, long time. She is the best medicine in my world. I love her dearly. I met and spent time 4 days in a row with my new grand-nephew, Conner. He is BEAUTIFUL and such a good baby.

I spent time with my niece Diana and my other grand-nephew, Zack! He's 4 now and smart, and beautiful, and well-mannered. Diana has a hard way to go but she does right by her son. It takes a lot of courage and hard work to do that as a poor, single mother.

I also got to watch the Yankees lose the playoffs to the Cleveland Indians. It didn't matter to me that they lost, it was just so good to watch Yankee games. I love baseball.

I went to work yesterday and then right to KTC for a board meeting. We met until 10 and I'm tired today. I am so glad I decided to not step away from the board at this time. I really wanted to. But I needed to stay and I'm so glad I did.

more later

2007-10-02T16:21:00.000-04:00

If I had better knees...and it wasn't pouring rain outside...and I wasn't sitting at my desk at work...I'd skip down the street. I'm so excited that at this time 2 days from now I will be in a jet flying up the east coast to NY. I will have 5 full days with my sister and I am thrilled about it.

I have really been feeling like getting away for a little bit. Aside from a few trips to my parent's home (which are never stress-free) I haven't been away since the trip to NM in April. That was such a wonderful trip. I not only have fond memories of the trip and the time there with F, C, and Q, but I have a longing to go back - a longing that is deeper than my original desire to see NM.

I haven't been to my sister's since April 2004. I went for my nephew's wedding. It was a wonderful weekend, but crowded with lots of family and activities. The time before that was as a surprise to my sister for her 50th birthday. Again, a short trip stuffed with family and activities. This trip is planned around no family reunions, celebrations or rituals. I will visit with other family, like our newest member Conner, but aside from that, Bren and I will hang out and rest. I'm bringing 2 novels, a dharma book, and a couple of mags. We'll talk for hours and hours, eat healthy meals, sleep in, enjoy the yard (beautifully landscaped by my brother-in-law) and weather, and visit Conner (more than once, I'm sure).

When I return we will be home for 2 weeks when C arrives and we travel to Atlanta to see His Holiness the Dalai Lama at Emory University. As if that wasn't the best of the best, Clio will also be there and we will spend time with her. We'll then be home another 10 days when we fly to Maryland to spend some time with C & Q at their new home. F has been there already, and loved it, but this will be my first time. I will celebrate my 56th birthday while there. The trip is a generous birthday gift from C & Q. So much good stuff to look forward to.

I've have worries, too. I'm worried about my friend Laura, who recently lost her dad. I haven't seen or talked to her and I don't want to infringe on her privacy. F and I drove by their house the other day to see if they were in, but they weren't. She will resurface when she is ready, but I miss her and know this is a sad, difficult time for her.

I'm worried about the trees around the house continuing to fall and the damage they will do. Last Wednesday, a neighbor's tree broke and fell on our fence and knocked down a portio of the fence and crushed the gates far beyond repair. It's been raining most days since then and we haven't been able to buy replacements and fix it until we had the tree and trunk removed. We were blocked on the property unable to take our cars out but gradually have had the tree cut up and removed. Today after work I am going to Home Depot to purchase a new gate and F and I will put it up tonight or tomorrow night. What I really fear is one of the big old oaks that surround the house will fall on the house and create a disaster. It is with sadness that I look back on the days of carefree apt. living.

I'm worried about the health and well-being of my teacher and pray for his return to good health and a long life.

I have other worries, too, but nothing that couldn't be cured by some home made Skotch broth and fresh pressed apple cider! Hmmmmm, I wonder where I could get some of that.....

2007-09-30T17:08:00.000-04:00

I am reading a very thought provoking book called Karma Chakme's Mountain Dharma as taught by Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche. It's really a wonderful book of Buddhist teachings, and Rinpoche presents it in a very simple way for us western learners. The teachings are 5 volumes and to date 2 have been published. Volume 3 is schedule for the end of this year and volumes 4 and 5 are scheduled for release in 2008. It will probably take me that long just to finish volume 1. I know I'm not dense (well, actually I don't know that) but it does take me a long while to absorb this completely new way of seeing life and the world and reality. I need to munch on each point for quite a while, like a cow chewing her cud. The hardest part is to see it as it is, and not through my own cultural references. Is that possible? Yes, but it's damned hard.

2007-09-28T17:17:00.000-04:00

Negative, negative, negative....for my pap, the biopsy, and the ultrasound. More about this later.

2007-09-24T14:55:00.000-04:00

I woke up tired, sunburned, feeling good and energized. I took an inventory of why I felt so good after having had none of the things this weekend I usually crave: sleep, uninterrupted alone time to watch my favorite reruns on TV, watching football, playing SNOOD or WORD WHOMP on my computer, scrolling through dozens of art blogs on-line, and napping. Instead, I participated in the KTC Jax Meditation-thon.

The Meditation-thon began Friday night at 5:00 p.m. in Memorial Park and ended Sunday night in Memorial Park at 5:00 p.m. The entire event wasn’t in the park. As a matter of fact, half of it was held at our center, with an opening program of Chenrezig sadhana on Friday night and all night meditation Friday and Saturday nights. In addition, one of our members led a midnight Chenrezig sadhana at the center Saturday night/Sunday morning. This was all in celebration of the United Nation’s International Day of Peace. It was an honor to be a part of it. And I was only a very small part of it.

But what I did that made me feel so good was break my pattern. Instead of feeding my craving for mindless activities I believe I deserve to indulge in, I meditated more, chanted more, spent more time with like-minded people, contributed something to the world – if only a wish and a prayer for peace, spent time talking, listening, laughing, watching meditation, listening to birds, squirrels, and people playing in the park, talking to strangers, playing with a dog, talking and visiting with friends, and being outdoors in the sun. I drank lots of water, ate nutritious and delicious Viet Namese vegetarian food prepared by the daughter of a sangha sister, and enjoyed fresh fruit. I took good care of my body and I fed my inner life. The only thing tired at the end of it was my body, and 9 hours out in the sun will do that to anyone. I feel renewed by the whole experience and am so glad I participated. It was a gift to me.

Credits

1. Photo of the Meditation-thon by EMILY BARNES/The Times-Union

2. International Day of Peace Poster by the United Nations

2007-09-22T20:03:00.000-04:00

I'd really prefer to ignore what I'm going to write but I'm not ignoring it, I just haven't written about it up to this point. So I might as well write about it.

I have recently been going through some medical tests to determine why I had a post-menopausal period after 7 years. I got the blood results first and they were fine - even better than fine - they were very good. I went to a GYN, who I really like, and she did a biopsy of my uterus and scheduled me for a transvaginal ultra-sound, which I've also had. I have not yet received the results of these 2 tests.

I was buoyed by the blood test results and in general do not feel overly concerned about having uteran cancer, except that while all this is also going on I have been so fatigued as to be in pain at times, just from exhaustion. I am not anemic, or deficient in anything that would cause fatigue. I get a good night's sleep every night, and have been able to nap several times a week. My morning's start off ok and I feel energized. About 3 in the afternoon I feel like I hit a wall and I have to sleep. I admit to having fallen asleep at work on several occassions, right here in my little cubby.

I am scheduled to see the GYN again next Wednesday to get results from the babopsy and the ultrasound. I'm sure it will be fine and then I won't have anything to ignore. For now.