November 30, 2006

same day same flavor


One of my favorite movies to catch on tv is "Same Time Next Year." In homage I named today's entry same day same flavor.

The above posted picture is a wc I did in my sketchbook this morning before coming to work. I like the colors. It's obvious that I've been influenced by the new I-95 flyover here in JAX, and by the time I've been spending looking at the abstract drawings of Richard Diebenkorn. He is one of the abstract painters I am very attracted to. I am stilled when I see his work. I feel the same with Brice Marden, Mark Rothko, and early Susan Rothenberg.

Today is Thursday and that's a good thing. I enjoy getting near the end of the work week. The closer to my private time, the better I feel. I slept again until 7. I've been waking up between 5 and 6 each morning and deciding to sleep in for another quarter hour or so and before I realize it an hour or more have passed.

Coming up tomorrow is the opening ceremony for the Buddha Relics Tour. I'm looking forward to seeing the exhibit. There will be a relic from H.H. Karmapa I in addition to the relics of the Buddha Shakyamuni. The whole event is very exciting and I'm grateful to Mike for all his hard work on this project.

There are many reasons for being grateful I am no longer a teenager. There are even more reasons than that for being grateful for not being a teenager in this technological world. It's hard to be an active teenager today, interested in and involved with the technology you will need to succeed economically in life. It's hard to have a secret life -- and all teenagers have a secret life. It's hard to have one and use technology. That's all I can say about that.

I may add more comments later.

November 29, 2006

2/25/43 - 11/29/01

Remembering George Harrison who died 5 years ago today from cancer. The new Beatles compilation "LOVE" has a wonderful, sweet version of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps." His voice is so clear and lovely on that track. A huge talent and influence.

WEDnesDAY


Had an appointment with my shrink today. Talked about the vacation and holiday and family. I talked about my childhood and my parents and how I thought I was the kind of child who would have responded well to 30 seconds of explanation about why some behaviors were unreasonable coupled with appropriate behavior modeling. Instead I had the sledge hammer approach to child rearing. I talked about going deep within myself to find quiet and solace. I talked about the importance of books and theatre and art in helping me explore a life worth living.

We also talked about aging and no longer being excited by or attached to holiday rituals. I've been feeling particularly annoyed by the over emphasis on commercial aspects of the holiday. In some ways it has had a positive effect on me. I have no xmas list. There is nothing I want or need. The only thing I look forward to for the holidays is having more free time to spend with F, my pups, my friends, time home, quiet, relaxed.

My friend, Josh, found me a website for cheap air tix and I will be able to fly to Atlanta to see Clio in January. She's been doing a lot of jewelry making and is hoping to ship some to her sister to sell in Denmark. I'm going to bring my camera and photograph some of it. I am very excited about the coming trip to see Clio. I can't remember how long it's been since she and I had time to just hang out together. However long it's been, it's been too long.

My mother is annoying me with her concern for my niece. My mother is overly involved in the lives of her grown grandchildren -- especially my brother's children. She keeps pressuring me to call her. When I tell her I haven't had the time she cries and tells me how worried she is about her and she can't sleep for her worry. Oy. Such drama. I guess that's what happens when you don't have books and art and intellectually interesting and fun friends in your life. You get theatre where you can.

The above b & w photo was taken in November 2005 on the back porch of the house C & S rented in No. Carolina last year. They generously shared it with us for a week and we had a fabulous time.

November 27, 2006

some quotes


"The purpose of art is to lay bare the questions which have been hidden by the answers."
- James Baldwin







"Art is not what you see, but what you make others see."
- Georgia O'Keeffe

Tis the Season

A Rant: ...to be jolly, or tired, or just plain unamused. Things are not always so wonderful this time of year. So much pressure to spend, spend, spend. I am so over it. It has absolutely nothing to do with the amount of money I can afford to spend. I'm just over the commercialization of this capitalist holiday and how big business has hijacked a time friends and family show affection to one another. So I will not participate in the usual manner, but I will give and let my people know I love them.

The Immediate Past: I had a wonderful 4-day Thanksgiving weekend. So laid back. I feel like I caught up to myself after the hustle and bustle of vacation (which is supposed to be restful but wasn't physically -- though it was mentally and emotionally) and returning to work. We had a wonderful holiday at C & S' house. Lots of laughs. I realized after that day that I don't laugh enough. It's one of the reasons I enjoy my time with C & S so much. We always laugh so much. Fri, Sat and Sun was relaxing and restful. F has a cold so she wasn't into doing much and that always suits me.

We went to Borders with C & S on Saturday and I got the new Beatles remix album, "LOVE." I really like it. It's a collection of songs from their catalogue that have been remixed by George and Giles Martin from the original Beatle tapes. They sound so good. The remix of "Strawberry Fields" is wonderful as is the stark a capella of "Because." Glad I got it. I bought it with leftover birthday money. I went away with $168 in birthday gift cash. I gave F $60 because she had no personal spending $$ for vacation. I bought a banner for our shrine and some Nepalese mala bead bags at the Himalayan shop, 2 used art books, and a gift for F at an art gallery in Berkeley Springs, WV. I came home with $58. I've used some for gas and groceries but I still have some left.

Coming Events: This weekend coming up is the Buddhist Relics Tour coming to Jacksonville. As a KTC Board member I will be spending some time there as a volunteer. I am very excited about our group co-sponsoring this event with the Cambodian Buddhist Center. I also had absolutely nothing to do with it. Our Asst. Director Mike did all the work on this one.

I am looking forward to the holidays - coming and going - and I'm looking forward to visiting Clio in January. I will be going up to Atlanta for the Jan 12-15th MLK bday weekend. I hope to find cheap air tickets ($100 or less) or I will drive. I am going alone, will stay at her place, and just hang with someone I love very much and hardly ever see or spend time with it. I'm very excited about it.

November 21, 2006

Time Flies When You're Looking At Art


I’m astounded to sit here and write that Thanksgiving is only two days away. My mind FLOODS with cliché’s. “Where did the time go?” “The older you get the faster life goes.” “Feels like we just finished 2005, where did 2006 go?” And on and on.

But I don’t know where this year has gone. I guess its just gone the way of all the other years I’ve been alive. Not sure if time goes faster because I move slower now, or if it seems faster because I do less. It could be that I actually do more and spend less time pondering and resisting what I need to do. Yes, that could be it. NOT!

While my life is much more settled than ever before one search has not ended yet. That is the search for deeper meaning – in everything. I search for more meaningful art – mine and others. I search for writing and philosophy that will be so deep as to permeate my bone marrow. I search for words and facial expressions that will tell me that another human knows, truly knows, the depth of my feeling, and I, theirs. I think when I let go of this desire life will be pointless and I will fade away. Or maybe it be its most real.

I got the a new art book , “Plane Image: A Brice Marden Retrospective” in the mail yesterday. Frankye had ordered it for my birthday. I believe Brice Marden is the greatest living artist, not just the greatest American living artist. There is something about his work that moves me deeply. It has a depth and stillness to it that grabs hold of something within me. Something indefinable but palpable. I can only aspire to reach that in a picture I make. I’d like to be able to do that at least once before I die. I don’t care if it is only a 2” x 2” sketch on a scrap of paper. I will know it when I see it.

So another Thanksgiving coming. Delicious food served up by and enjoyed with close friends, chosen family. There will be less excitement about the holiday and the food. After all, I've done this 55 times. It's not new. So while the anticipation is no longer there, the satisfaction and enjoyment of it is more.

November 20, 2006


RFK on the Campaign Trail 

RFK at the Ambassador Hotel, June 5, 1968 minutes before he was shot 

November 19, 2006

Bobby

I haven’t seen this film yet but look forward to it. I think it will be sad to watch. I know it will bring me back to that time in my life. 1968 was a difficult year for me. My life was in turmoil. I was suffering the throes of adolescent angst and engulfed in household filled with the same rage and unpredictability that the country was in. 1968 began the last year of my father’s active alcoholism. I was immersed in my own addiction to drugs and drinking. My sexuality was blooming and not in an acceptable way. I was trying to hold on to some semblance of sanity in a very insane and out of control environment. I was fighting to survive on many levels.

This all culminated by a physical breakdown in late May 1968. I had mononucleosis and was put to bed for the summer. I spent the first few weeks too sick to know where I was. I remember sleeping around the clock. I remember high fevers. I remember my grandmother coming to stay everyday with me while my parents went to work. I had never been so sick in my life, nor have I been since then.

I was in this state on June 5th, lying in bed my clock radio near my head on the night stand. The radio came on at the preset time and the voice of the commentator gradually permeated my consciousness. He was talking about the Kennedy assassination. It had occurred 4 ½ years ago. As I listened I wondered why they were talking about it now. Then I heard him say that Kennedy was in a coma. The commentator mentioned Robert Kennedy by name and the coming 1968 presidential election. I understood then it was not JFK they were talking about. I was shocked. I was a supporter, though too young to vote, of an RFK presidency. He was smart, well read, unafraid to express flowery idealism. I had recently seen him up close and personal as Marshall of the St. Patrick’s Day Parade on March 17th, 1968. I took a photo of him waving at us on the sidelines. He was smiling, his long hair falling in his face, his right hand pushing it back to the side.

This movie is supposed to be a snapshot of that day. Not just his assassination, but the people in the hotel that day. It’s a snapshot of their hope for the future and how hope died that day. That was my feeling too. Hope in leaders and in America did die for me that day. Not just because of Bobby Kennedy’s assassination, but because it was the last in a string of assassinations of people who were making a difference. I remember clearly the assassinations of JFK, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Jr. and RFK. They were heroes, each of them, to me and my generation. They had a vision of the world and America that included peace, acceptance, and harmony. They were brave and put themselves on the line for their beliefs and paid the ultimate price for it. The lesson was clear. Don’t take the risk. Don’t care too much. As Dylan said, "Don’t follow leaders, watch your parking meters." Care too much about a leader and they will be killed. They will be taken away from you.

After RFK’s assassination there was a discernable shift in the attitude of my generation. There was an anger and bitterness there that eventually turned inward on itself. There was a war in Viet Nam that most of us disagreed with. In November 1968 Richard Nixon was elected president and the war Bobby would have ended escalated into a larger, more destructive war. There was no hope in sight for it’s ending, and in fact it went on for another 7 years.

The peace and love generation became a pissed off, hopeless mass of shiftlessness that took more and more drugs and dropped out in ever increasing numbers. Hope died and we became the cynics who money mongered in the 80's and who lead this nation now down a dangerous path. Never before had so many, dreamt so large and accomplished so little.

"We've had difficult times in the past. We will have difficult times in the future. It is not the end of violence; it is not the end of lawlessness; it is not the end of disorder."
~~Robert F. Kennedy, April 3rd 1968


RFK lying on the floor of the Ambassador Hotel pantry, shot but alive